Vacation/Visiting Mother-in-Law
Jul 24th, 2002, 08:29 AM
#41
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whathaveidone: The relationship between your MIL and husband sounds like an alcoholic and an enabler. It doesn't seem like your husband will ever stand up to her. You must decide if you can live your life this way; and only you can answer that. Take your time; go to counselling on your own, if need be (sort of like Al-Anon). Good luck to you, honey - you are too nice a person for this to be happening, especially now.
Jul 24th, 2002, 08:30 AM
#42
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If that were just the problem, it would be one thing. But whathaveidone just had a miscarriage. The MIL is pitching a fit about their hotel stay AND their rental car plans. A rental car means they won't be dependent upon her for their transportation. That's a control issue.
Jul 24th, 2002, 08:46 AM
#43
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You've made your travel plans and you have absolutely no reason to change or discuss why you made them with anyone. The subject is (as I say to my kids) NOT NEGOTIABLE! Your husband has the responsibility of communicating this to his mother if she continues her controlling behavior.
Jul 24th, 2002, 09:12 AM
#44
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At least you are seeing this woman only on a bi-annual basis. We live about 1 hour away from my husband's parents and my husband wants to go home for dinner/visit at least once a week. We are newlyweds and I know for a fact (my own eyes and our wedding video among other evidence) that his mother does not approve of our marriage. She doesn't speak to me/acknowledge me when we are at her house. I feel stupid going over for this visit, but guess my husband wants to see his parents. Sorry about the rant but I despise the weekly "travel" to the inlaws.
Jul 24th, 2002, 10:32 AM
#45
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first, my condolence on your recent loss.
I am old enough to be someone's mother-in-law, so I will give you first-hand advice.
"Home invasion" sounds very familiar after more than 30 years of marriage. My husband is a wonderful person; sadly, he has a horrid, controlling mother.
After being married 20 years, I realized
my husband's mother would dislike whoever her son married. Start with this premise and move forward.
After 25 years of marriage and after numerous attempts of discussion (a/k/a confrontation), my husband told his mother she was no longer welcome in our home. If we visited her, she would put us in a twin-bed room. I have not seen this woman in several years; she must live with her consequences. At my suggestion, my husband and I travel to a bordering state; he rents a car, and visits as a day trip. She actually thinks he drives all night, just to see her (perhaps she's delusional). Age has nothing to do with a controlling person; any criticism falls on deaf ears. You may want to consider not telling her too many details of your upcoming visit, as she will more likely capitalize and try to micro manage your time on her turf.
Another suggestion is to screen your home phone calls; this way, only your husband needs to speak with her. I feel sorry for both you and your husband. Above all, maintain your dignity.
I am old enough to be someone's mother-in-law, so I will give you first-hand advice.
"Home invasion" sounds very familiar after more than 30 years of marriage. My husband is a wonderful person; sadly, he has a horrid, controlling mother.
After being married 20 years, I realized
my husband's mother would dislike whoever her son married. Start with this premise and move forward.
After 25 years of marriage and after numerous attempts of discussion (a/k/a confrontation), my husband told his mother she was no longer welcome in our home. If we visited her, she would put us in a twin-bed room. I have not seen this woman in several years; she must live with her consequences. At my suggestion, my husband and I travel to a bordering state; he rents a car, and visits as a day trip. She actually thinks he drives all night, just to see her (perhaps she's delusional). Age has nothing to do with a controlling person; any criticism falls on deaf ears. You may want to consider not telling her too many details of your upcoming visit, as she will more likely capitalize and try to micro manage your time on her turf.
Another suggestion is to screen your home phone calls; this way, only your husband needs to speak with her. I feel sorry for both you and your husband. Above all, maintain your dignity.
Jul 24th, 2002, 10:56 AM
#46
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Ask your husband - does he want to spend the rest of his life trying to please her or does he prefer to do what's best for his family and his sanity?
My suggestion is to go and have fun on your own, but do tak MIL out to join you now and then. It might hurt a little, then again, it might turn her around. In any event, it will get you a better seat in heaven.
My suggestion is to go and have fun on your own, but do tak MIL out to join you now and then. It might hurt a little, then again, it might turn her around. In any event, it will get you a better seat in heaven.
Jul 24th, 2002, 11:02 AM
#47
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Allie - Double dittos!
Good Luck - Whathaveidone may not be as sweet as she seems to be in this post. Let us talk control freak when she says to avoid a bi-annual visit from her MIL "I DECIDED" the vacation would be in the area of MIL's home. I don't think she is provoked she is hurt. For my husband's sake I could tolerate his Mother and count down the days until time for her to leave. Whathaveidone needs to discuss her feeling with her husband and MIL together, she needs to grow up and stop being the little control bitch that she is. It is evident that she knew exactly what she was doing when she decided where their vacation would be. Why didn't she plan a vacation away from her MIL. Because she knew how upset MIL would get. Mil only comes to visit twice a year and she calls it a home invasion.
Because she had a miscarriage doesn't invoke sympathy from me, that has happened to many women, me included, you get on with your life and get over it. By stating this she feels that everyone will feel so sorry for her over the miscarriage and what she has to put up with concerning her MIL.
Husband, if you can't stand up to your wife concerning your Mother I feel I must ask, how did you ever father a child?
Good Luck - Whathaveidone may not be as sweet as she seems to be in this post. Let us talk control freak when she says to avoid a bi-annual visit from her MIL "I DECIDED" the vacation would be in the area of MIL's home. I don't think she is provoked she is hurt. For my husband's sake I could tolerate his Mother and count down the days until time for her to leave. Whathaveidone needs to discuss her feeling with her husband and MIL together, she needs to grow up and stop being the little control bitch that she is. It is evident that she knew exactly what she was doing when she decided where their vacation would be. Why didn't she plan a vacation away from her MIL. Because she knew how upset MIL would get. Mil only comes to visit twice a year and she calls it a home invasion.
Because she had a miscarriage doesn't invoke sympathy from me, that has happened to many women, me included, you get on with your life and get over it. By stating this she feels that everyone will feel so sorry for her over the miscarriage and what she has to put up with concerning her MIL.
Husband, if you can't stand up to your wife concerning your Mother I feel I must ask, how did you ever father a child?
Jul 24th, 2002, 02:07 PM
#50
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Gee, MotherInLaw, there you go being presumptuous! My MIL is wonderful. She would never, ever, invite herself to our house. When we visit her, she understands perfectly that we prefer the privacy of a nearby hotel. She is always thrilled to see us BOTH and never critizes our plans or how much time we spend with her. My Dad is the same. On our last visit to my hometown, we were supposed to have dinner one night (of many) with my Dad. When I phoned and said we were right next to the Aquarium and we'd really like to take advantage of the fact that there was no line (we'd heard of very long lines most of the time) if he didn't mind, he didn't mind a bit. Until my MIL died, we saw her as often as we possibly could, sent flowers regularly, not just on Mother's Day. Some people (and you sound like one of them) are just impossible to get along with and are so unpleasant you just want to avoid them. Any MIL who "goes off the deep end" because the kids rent a car while there on vacation cannot possibly be a reasonable person.
Jul 24th, 2002, 05:13 PM
#51
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I have never seen a mean spirited MIL "turn around and be nice". I would not be nice on the pretense she may be a nice lady after all...in your dreams! Her son may be nice, but the writing is on the wall. These are the cold hard facts and they are kicking you in the butt right now.
Jul 25th, 2002, 05:16 AM
#52
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Yes, MIL there are two sides to every story and in this case three. But no matter what you say any person that goes into another persons home and upsets it by being nasty, picky, bossy, selfish etc. etc. is WRONG. That is why this woman doesn't want MIL in her home, she wants peace.
It is very obvious that her MIL is controlling. If MIL can't "get along" with her DIL in her DIL's home, she should stay in a hotel when she visits her son.
Don't try to tell me that a person that acts like this MIL has any justification. She is the one being selfish. Believe me I know from what I speak, because even though my mother and MIL are GREAT, I have a father that can upset Everyone when his is around. He is an a number one control freak. The point is that any visitor to someone's home is just that, a visitor and should act like one.
It is very obvious that her MIL is controlling. If MIL can't "get along" with her DIL in her DIL's home, she should stay in a hotel when she visits her son.
Don't try to tell me that a person that acts like this MIL has any justification. She is the one being selfish. Believe me I know from what I speak, because even though my mother and MIL are GREAT, I have a father that can upset Everyone when his is around. He is an a number one control freak. The point is that any visitor to someone's home is just that, a visitor and should act like one.
Jul 25th, 2002, 05:50 AM
#53
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whathavei, I have to ask, is your husband Italian? Mine is and I find that Italian men have this overwheming need to please their mommies and gain their approval. They can't even see it and the fact that I've learned to be amused rather than annoyed by it has saved an 18 year marriage.
Something happened yesterday though which really ticked me off. My husband has some free nights at a very nice hotel chain, so I made reservations to use them before we lose them. He then tells me he wants to give them to his mom since she could really use a vacation (the woman has PLENTY of money, and is NOT generous with it). She's very tight with money, and I'm more than a little furious that he would hand the nights over to her to use with her "boyfriend", who can't afford to go anywhere. He doesn't have money.
Call me a bad DIL, but I would just take the kids for a few nights to enjoy the hotel pool before I'd give them to my well-off MIL.
Again, the little boy is looking for a pat on the head from mommy. Grrrrrr.
Something happened yesterday though which really ticked me off. My husband has some free nights at a very nice hotel chain, so I made reservations to use them before we lose them. He then tells me he wants to give them to his mom since she could really use a vacation (the woman has PLENTY of money, and is NOT generous with it). She's very tight with money, and I'm more than a little furious that he would hand the nights over to her to use with her "boyfriend", who can't afford to go anywhere. He doesn't have money.
Call me a bad DIL, but I would just take the kids for a few nights to enjoy the hotel pool before I'd give them to my well-off MIL.
Again, the little boy is looking for a pat on the head from mommy. Grrrrrr.
Jul 25th, 2002, 05:59 AM
#54
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Geesh, I would love to see the faces on some of you Mother-in-Law bashers when you actually reach that stage in life yourself. Life will not seem nearly as simple or cut and dried then when the shoe is on the other foot. Some of you are going on and on about how this woman's MIL behaves in her house.........you have no idea of that! You haven't been there. What about how this DIL acts when she's in her MIL's house........that may not be a pretty sight either. I have a DIL, and we have our ups and down, but always put family first. Some of you don't deserve families, with your attitudes.
Jul 25th, 2002, 06:17 AM
#55
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Anne: Could you be whathaveidone's MIL? Re-read her post - she just had a miscarriage and the woman went ballistic because they want to rent their own car? What an insensitive, control freak! The witch can't stand that her only baby boy has another woman.
Jul 25th, 2002, 08:27 AM
#56
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I am sure that my MIL thinks she behaves perfectly in my home. Just as I think I behave perfectly in her home. However, the reality is that we do not like each other, although we have never been outwardly impolite to each other. (Unless you consider her calling me by my husband's old girlfriend's name for the first 5 years of our marriage rude!).
When they visit, they stay in a hotel. We do likewise when we visit, or make more frequent day trips. I think that we had both hoped to have in-laws with a warmer relationship, but no one needs the stress of 24-hour contact with people they don't like. While at first I suspect she was a little put off by this arrangement, it makes for much more pleasant visits - we each get a little decompression time before pasting on a smile again. After over 20 years, a truce has been achieved.
Another thought for future, especially when you have kids, is to sometimes meet in a neutral location. We have gone to Cape Cod, Disney, etc. and also, since distance is less than yours, met a restaurants for a meal and then go someplace like a mall or park. When she and I feel less protective of our turf, we seem to get along better.
When they visit, they stay in a hotel. We do likewise when we visit, or make more frequent day trips. I think that we had both hoped to have in-laws with a warmer relationship, but no one needs the stress of 24-hour contact with people they don't like. While at first I suspect she was a little put off by this arrangement, it makes for much more pleasant visits - we each get a little decompression time before pasting on a smile again. After over 20 years, a truce has been achieved.
Another thought for future, especially when you have kids, is to sometimes meet in a neutral location. We have gone to Cape Cod, Disney, etc. and also, since distance is less than yours, met a restaurants for a meal and then go someplace like a mall or park. When she and I feel less protective of our turf, we seem to get along better.
Jul 25th, 2002, 08:38 AM
#57
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Oh Gail! How I can relate to the old girl friend thing. My MIL displays her picture TO THIS DAY in her house. She does not display any of the other siblings ex-girl/ boy friends pictures. The girl is married with kids, but guess it doesn't make any difference. My MIL is waiting for me to divorce her sonny boy so the ex-girlfriend can swoop down and pick him back up. THe MIL keeps in contact with the ex-girlfriend with "my husband" reports etc. How do you like that?! Thank god for 1000 miles in between us.
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Collette
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Sep 5th, 2002 08:53 AM
