whathaveidone

Have you ever had such an oxymoron? To avoid the bi-annual "home invasion" of my MIL, I decided we'd go to her area in NW Florida. We will be staying on the beach, not her place and will be renting a car. We plan to spend some time with her, but intend to enjoy our vacation on our own as well. She's already more than provoked that we're not staying with her and now she's gone off the deep end that we've rented a car. Anyone have similar experiences/advice? Begining to dread this decision. We're leaving in 3 weeks. I was trying to make everybody happy but am now having 2nd thoughts. Needless to say, my MIL and I do NOT get along! Help please and thanks!

Wisdom

The road to hell is paved with good intentions and with people who try to make everyone happy.

noway

Do NOT give in to her! She sounds a lot like my ex-MIL - manipulative and narcissistic, and finding any excuse to complain & cause probs with you & spouse. Too damn bad if she's in a snit. You are on your vacation, you'll make time to see her, and that is that! Be firm and polite and don't let her get to you. Cut her off if she goes overboard and just say "I'm sorry if you don't like our plans, but they're already made." GOOD LUCK!

x

did you notice noway says she's his ex - his strategy hit a wall! you better get down on your knees and kiss her foot, if you want to stay married. you are fooling with one of the fundamental forces of the univesre, and screw it up and you'll pay forever (to her daughter).

S

Stick to your guns. You'll be happier in the long run. That said, try some compromises. Got kids? Let them alternate being spoiled by themselves with Grandma. You take off and do something by yourself and let your wife and MIL go shopping, just the 2 of them. Consider spending the last night of your vacation with her at her house. Good luck. (I have a wonderful MIL, but we're 700 miles apart!)

whathaveidone

Thanks for your replies and I am the daughter-in-law. I think the main reason I'm so angry right now is when she found out that we're renting a car (last sat.) she had a tantrum, said terrible things about me (nothing new) and hung up on my husband twice. We just suffered a miscarriage 11 days prior to this. I think I'll just stay at the beach. As far as kids, none yet (wouldn't do that to them if there were). Thanks again, I appreciate the support!

Monica

Wow, no kids and you're still spending your vacation near MIL? I think you're already a candidate for sainthood. Stick to your guns, you're being a good daughter in law and she can decide to act like an adult and enjoy her good fortune.

Faina

Whathaveidone, I'm both a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law. From reading your post my first question would be: did you husband cut off his ambolical cord? Is he a "Raymond Barone" type? You have to see your MIL twice: to say hello upon arrival and good-bye upon leaving. The rest of the time enjoy yourself and let your hubby to see her as much as he wants. If he and his mommy dearest don't like it - it's their problem not yours. Be very polite, thank her for being so understanding And don't blame yourself for anything.

kkj

Normally, I'm all for family and love to spend time with mine. But if your mother-in-law is acting like this than you need to stay away. If you can't change plans than go see her one last time. At the first sign of trouble high tail it out of there.

What we did to alleviate a the same problem is start a trip at MIL's spend a weekend and see her than go somewhere else not so close by.

Staying so close by and not staying with her is what is getting her goat.

Can you change your plans a little?

Just remember if she starts trouble make this the last time you visit until she behaves.

been there

Hang in there. the one piece of advice I have is "you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't, so do what you want to do. But, while you are doing it, just smile and be nice.

Act like you don't know there is anything wrong. Include her in many of your arrangements. If she sees , you are going to spend time with her, maybe it'll calm her. From my experience, I have found that it is better not to cut yourself off, you'll only land up being left out and you'll resent your husband because he is not spending the time with you.

whathaveidone

You ought to see how she behaves in my home. I wasn't kidding about the "home invasion" of her visits. This was just a last ditch effort to appease my husband, incorporate a vacation for us and keep her from coming to our home. Wisdom couldn't have said it better: "The road to hell is paved with good intentions...."

Marie

I think you're nice to take your vacation near her home and plan to spend some of your vacation with her. In my opinion, you are not obligated to visit anyone, even a family member, who is not nice to you, or doesn't treat you politely and with respect. If your husband expects you to anyway, you've married the wrong guy and should not have any children with him. If there's no pleasing his mother and you husband does not stand by you, you've got a serious problem. My recommendation would be to have a talk with your husband and have him have a talk with your MIL. If she does not get reasonable forthwith, cancel your plans and vacation elsewhere. If by "home invastion" you permit your MIL to invite herself to your home, shame on you!

Cherish

Whatha, while your there maybe you could stop by and say hi to my mom. She'd be glad to show you around all the best attractions, like Walmart, and Publix. And she knows all the best places for great seafood like, Red Lobster. But you'll have to go before 4:00 so she can get her discount. And, you could meet all of her sweet old friends and get the scoop on all their lastest ailments. It'll be fun. I'll call and tell her your coming.

Anonyimouse

You MIL must be a martyr. Why would she want to be inconvenienced and burdened by your visit? More food, more laundry, more hot water, and cleaning. And she would have to alter her schedule to accommodate you.

Jeez, she should be grateful and kissing the ground that you walk on because you are staying at a hotel, renting a car, and not inconveniencing her. She doesn't have to cater to you. I'd like to have guest like you.

Although I agree with you, I think your MIL wants the company and she wants to be a good hostess. So, I agree with some of the others, take her to lunch or dinner a few times, and let your husband spend as much time with her as he wants. You should enjoy your vacation.

Bailey

Sorry to hear of your loss. You need sometime to heal before taking on this much stress. Sounds like you need a relaxing vacation. Talk to dh about your feelings. See if both of you can come to terms on how much time you'll need to spend with her. Also, plan the days and nights you and your dh can spend alone together. Concentrate on the fun things you'll be enjoying alone together. Good Luck

JC

Say what I always say, "Although it may appear differently to you, our intention is not to insult you, we feel this is the best way to go about things for us as a family, I'm sorry if we've offended you but understand, we want nothing more than to have fun and spend good time together. We appreciate everything you've done and all of your gracious offerings, this will just work out better for us, Now what can we plan on doing together while we're there?"

Works like a charm. Despite how you feel, make her feel good and this way, she's happier and you still do what you want, it simply means a better time for all of you

Good luck,
JC

Nikki

Hi

You've suffered a great loss - a miscarriage is rough on the body and hurtful to the soul.

I'm a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law. My MIL was not easy to be with (but then my mother wasn't easy for my hubby to be with). Been there has my kind of advice. Don't give in or give up. Just always be pleasant to her and give her a smile. It will make your marriage easier.

You might consider telling your MIL that the doctor has ordered some rest and peace/quiet for you and you'll need to spend a fair amount of time at the beach resting. If hubby wants to visit with Mom - he should be free to do it. This can also give you the resting time you need. You'll be close enough and yet you'll be far enough away.

My sister-in-law is always furious when we visit cause I won't stay with her. She has the world's worst barking dog so "I'm allergic to dogs" - I stay in a motel - She doesn't realize that I've driven all this way ( 16 hours) and am spending money for lodging - Just to see and be with her. Wow - what's lost with some of these people.

God bless and please rest your body and mind. She'll come around - she'll have to.

NoneOfMyBizBut...

I think you've taken the correct approach with this. A leopard can't change its spots and if somebody's going to be miserable, it might as well be the person who is dishing up the misery. Don't cave, because you do not owe that to her and your only thanks will be to be treated like a doormat. There are some people in this world who are fundamentally unhappy and impossible to please.

The problem with the car rental is all about control, pure and simple. So are the tantrums. She may not be able to help herself, but you will certainly not be doing anything but reinforcing outrageous behavior if you give in.

You have a good and reasonable plan that takes EVERYONE'S comfort and sanity into account, so go with your instincts and don't roll over. You will only regret it and she's not going to appreciate any compromise short of having the world revolve around her.

Good luck!

whathaveidone

I am overwhelmed by the amount of very helpful advice and support. I would have posted a lot sooner had I'd known there were people that could relate so well to this problem. I feel incredibly validated for once. I usually feel guilty when I put my foot down where she is concerned, not any more. Just wait til she invites herself for Christmas (believe me, she will)!!! Thank you all and don't hesitate to keep 'em coming .

peggy

If you love your husband make peace with his mother. Remember, without her you would not have your husband. When I think bad thoughts abotu my husbands mom, I am reminded of that sentiment and it always brings me back to earth. Good luck and have fun.