Three words - the edited version

Mar 30th, 2007, 05:30 AM
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Three words - the edited version

Once upon a long journey, through my Europe trip, I came upon an exotic museum that caused me to turn around and scream: HELP! There’s a rat! It was him whose new GPS fell into Venice where he drank a cold Limoncello. Across the street covered with pigeons. To his surprise they were filthy and his chagrin there it was an Antonello de Messina he looked around and saw death in the clouds but then discovered a way to live forever. He then decided to write a report detailing his adventures with his blood on magic paper after many errors... he gave up people were staring and pointing!

He wore comfy shoes. Clunky white sneakers and a moneybelt bulging with euros and peanut butter and Velveeta cheese and three lipsticks. He needed ATMs there was none so he hopped on the vaporetto the wife yelled mind the gap but before long he realized that …Oh my God! He had forgotten his dental floss the gondolier laughed and gave another unsuspecting tourist a 210 Euro Ride and foot massage and a gorgeous passport photo.

He wanted to eat gelato and pizza but didn't know the caloric content metric conversion. Instead, he chose to a restaurant called La Dolce Vita and ate a medium-rare steak Florentine and molto vino. While he ate she walked in and saw him picking his nose. And she said Oh, it's you! His wife looked like she wanted some kinda quickie but no Viagra. She offered to help him out and handed him... a Kleenex and a bottle of vintage Chianti and a toilet plunger. Smiling, said “Around that way... on the bed!”

The next day while being quiescence he dreamed of a new trip in his dream he rode an orange Vespa to piazza Navona but fell into a bucket of Michelangelo's paint hidden inside a box. He tried to get out but was distracted by a group of obvious TOURISTS wearing shirts that read Smith family reunion. They appeared rather out of place with their balloons they wandered aimlessly floating over their Rick Steve’s guidebooks and fanny packs and money belts over their pants and Harry Potter Naked!

Suddenly, they smelled some Roquefort cheese and ran towards the naked Potter boy all the while stirring the pot of Tartiflette potatoes and singing very loudly. The horse neighed for quick relief of a constipation attack, but the tourists were in disguise. As were Metro pickpockets and girlie men carrying pink flamingos. Not that anything is wrong with that but he is wearing pink shoe laces and white earth shoes and nothing else Bombastic I thought.

Licking his gelati, he suddenly saw a fellow Fodorite trying desperately to recruit more members to dispense factoids. “No, siamo contadini” peasants in search.. was his translation.

In the transporter, during dematerialisation, he arrived in Paris in time for the sewer tour. He wore his Gucci rubber boots with such elan, Tom Ford cried “Give it to the sanitation worker”. Meanwhile, another Fodorite in the cafe asked the waiter if he knew the secret of cooking gnocchi with a non fattening sauce.
The waiter replied: “knock Kneed Monsieur? No, knockabout he mange le cheval! mieux que McDonalds ! Wimpy's est meilleure.”

I'm not hungry but I am so I go to Les Deux Magots and buy the quiche au jambon without regret or paying the bill. “Should I tip?” Only if the waiter laughs at my French or the stain on my shirt.

My companion was looking for some place to hide his stash of calvados and cheese, but the policeman thought we had pocketed a banana, some Iranian caviar and some truffles in the moneybelt. He was about to ask for a dollar to offer the waiter for a big kiss or something more in a round basket. Astoundingly however, the big bad monkey lunged for the miniature Eiffel Tower made out of colour paper clips and candy corns and chocolate mousse at McDonald's, nonetheless!

Prince Charles said “SPAM fritter please” as if he was trying to sneak past the flirt. With Camilla imitating Monty Python with her silly walk and that English five o'clock tea made his hallucinations seem very real. Mary Poppins said Read My Lips! But her lips spoke sweet nothings. Supercali Fragili Cious! I feel gay and needing a big, bad Brit to do my nails and hair and whatever else. Forget the Brit - a Scandinavian instead? Antonio Bandearas look-alike? Which was difficult but not impossible - it’s gay Paris!

It's raining dogs and cats with deep poodles and their leavings when you’re wearing only an umbrella that has holes the size of a brown mole on Gorbachev's face. Ironically Gorbie was eating at McDonalds before the Eurostar to London Waterloo suddenly he collapsed. Crying out before he could tip the waiter not to bet. However, he did braid his hair the reggae style.

Meanwhile in London, ira, ekscrunchy, and hausfrau, were planning a GTG with Fainagain and Comfyshoes. They all had one objective; to talk about meeting the Queen. They wanted to ask her about the King's runny nose and dreadful hacking cough because nothing's worse than a bad breath, like a dogs. The Queen said “my hat is so terribly outdated as is my outlook on life”. Poor, pathetic woman slipped on an obviously used handkerchief. Poor Mum, Charles... But hey! Look! Prince Philip is a bad boy and so is ira the Fodorite (who's also knowledgeable about moishapippics that about birds and camel mating behaviour).

Very interesting, said Elton John and looking at Furness through big glasses, swiftly raised his dittybag full of filled with ditties. “How 'bout this? “. We fly away.... over the yellow-brick schoolhouse where we see ekscrunchy, laartista, and other Fodorites, with Lucy in the sanisette in the middle of a tourist scam.

Undeterred, they continue toward Rue Mouffetard only to realize the frakking cylons were there. “Au Secours!!” He lashed out with a bloody curse. Horrified, the Fodorite alerted Fodors' busybody who called NeoPatrick. NeoPatrick is a little known superhero, better known as The Fodorite Flash who can travel faster than a hot snot and the TGV Est. “This is stupid”, said stupid Curt. Then don't play AND GO AWAY. Consulting Rick Steve's site's NORML link using tiny URL (Rick Steve's NORML? Who's really NORML) it appeared that Lawchick is NORML. Meanwhile, Neo Patrick was flashing signs saying “STUPID IS ALL AROUND” but in pictograms. In the meantime, we enjoyed a Pastis... with 3 French very well known beret designers who design for French hens and French horns while French kissing the French queen. “Lovers' Queen”, certainly. They partied until midnight struck and the shoe fell off the balcony and hit the upheld bread basket filled with pink ballerina's tutus and "allegedly ""normal"" noggins." -all purloined from allegedly NORMAL noggins!

As they danced, suddenly, distant music made them dance on thin ice but only thin. Like Russian Olympians they skated gracefully until one fell and caught cold. Ice on face, a handsome bystander hurled the pistol to the girl "and yelled ""Shoot!""" "She said ""Quoi?" " pousse cequi? où? Oooohhhh!!!” Too late! The huge suitcases and body parts flew everywhere and thus got lost.

In the Twilight, flying on a broomstick back to London where the squirrels go pub hopping to meet interesting and good looking lasses wearing pink, Fodorites carrying oversized fanny packs and looking happy to take a picture like silly tourists. Who'd have thought, although understanding continuity. Christian Louboutin shoes still thought they were home.

Meanwhile, in the mothership, the cylons (what's a cylon?) eyed the escargots and the mysterious stranger. Their appetites increasing, the snails slithered along a leaf and started falling onto the plates. Amazingly fully cooked. “waiter! ketchup SVP” (SVP or RSVP???) (SVP, toujours SVP when asking for ketchup on escargots or mustard on pancakes). “Dijon mustard SVP and Coke Zero”. With my hotdog in one hand and waving his prostheses wildly trying to stop the yellow bus going to Almalfi or maybe Moscow, Idaho - To achieve that difficult task of finding potatoes growing with tulips in Amsterdam cafes inside of windmills.

The yellow bus blew a tire and speeded south towards famous tourist traps. Sticky toffee pudding flew everywhere and flew everywhere and everyone knew that before Bern "came laartista's ""camel-stop"". ”No toilet paper.. oops!.” Then use Fodor's printed thread ( ) but never use a starched napkin because it rubs those tender spots. “Ouch, Ouch, Ouch”... moved her lips saying “YES! Ouch” but nobody heard because of the yodelling coming from a Chinese laundry.

Madame Wong sang Tsing Yyong Odel.
“Earplugs PLEASE “ said George Walker Bush.
“Read my lips.. NO NEW ATTORNEY”.
“Quiet! We're sleeping and dreaming of slithering simmering escargots”.
“What's for breakfast?”
“Anchovies and champagne BAUGUETTES AND GELATO all ketchup slathered”.

Woke up hungry in Portofino overlooking the tranquil harbour, feet stinking like skunks in love. Under the sheets of finest burlap, smelling the feet, something moved! Suddenly, thought to myself, roving behinda Bush its a snake!

Strangely enough, it stared at me and said, “I ssssssmell ssssomething ssssusssspicccccioussss” and it died.

It was Bozo, the secret service. I took it, stroked it gently, holding my breath and he awoke! He said “Asp me no questions”. Travel, but only after you wash your hands of that snake's kissed nose Medusa Kiss full of stone and snake spit.

The bidet awaits! Need to wash my sins away, so I'm free to be me but I prefer to travel somewhere Tell us, where? Lourdes, Fatima, Czestochowa Tuscany, Swiss Alps, Amalfi Coast (et al). The moon lapsing into reality, an icy spring cooling my thoughts of faraway places at whirlwind paces with muddy faces and untied laces of sneakers and girdles jumping over hurdles life's little hurdles. Along came Myrtle, like phone bills which we ignore promptly.

Visit La hore while still daylight but wearing what? “Squeaky leather pants? a pink jogging-suit”. Squeaky leather pants are covered with ants only in France en route to Belgium!

Bruges' canals, are full of water and used condoms. Just say no and keep doing what your passion dictates you to.

Making passionate love to a doll bought in Amsterdam while they swam in the Adriatic stirring unseen shells and wishing wells. Waving to tourists looking for hotspots that accept AM$. Letting them spend time drinking in cafes but never forgetting Fodor's web site’s chic netizens.

Venice was mysterious, capturing my heart, but not my blue moon over Kentucky. Shining in Texas, riding with Lance Texas’ precious son who was fun while it lasted.

Meanwhile in EUROPE it was raining again. A rainbow formed over the Rigi. I had never been there due to the high cost of everything in Switzerland.
“Go to Poland eat lots of kielbasa slathered in ketchup onions and peppers and washed down with Fernet Branca lotsa vodka and grenadine”.

Not forgetting tipping the waiter over a barrel of pickled herring Herring, James Herring brother of Cherry Mat and Jes smoked eel's better than slimy escargots and better than mussels in Brussels. Unless with garlic butter, I would rather have Yorkshire pudding.

In a pub get chilled limoncello shots on Capri while wearing capris and pink sneakers with ped socks (Very comfy indeed!). “You look like a macho matador who loves gore”. Is Algore an internet inventor extraordinaire or an inconvenient truth?

Driving Smart cars into the wall surrounding old Avignon. “Sur le pont d'Avignon on y danse…” “Stop that dancing!”. “Palenq's a partypooper! May I have the next dance?” “Only if you dici per piacere Greek to me like feta on moussaka with ouzo or softshelled crabs on black sand surrounded by seashells sold by Suzy and the Divas”.

Suzy sells seashells on the sly for Slovenian euros. “You're oh so , putting it politely, full of it!” “Xamine Your Zipper!” “Let's go somewhere 700 times to soak in a hot tub overlooking Tuscan hills drinking Chianti and wistfully dream someday moving to Bora Bora.” “Baby !”

We're travelling Europe, in cheap couchettes (never cheap--inexpensive or easy), but free to you. He spoke excitedly, as he grabbed a huge scone dripping with clotted blood from the dreaded Tuscan mosquito in my villa (trip advisor recommended!) with free WiFi which RARELY works!

So I called our friend. Ira (always ready to provide excellent advice on how to eat pizza Margherita, crack a pecan, wear dinner jackets) gives me money. “Does he now?” For services rendered.

Turning on light bulbs, I asked, who is Ira? He is the Irish Republican Army? my Turkish delight! Very intriguing missymissy!

Sexy naked Ira, ate a grape and his date was wearing nice comfortable travelling pants and a six euro pashmina. They went to Venice and Izmir. He travels light by going commando.

DELTA special's forces infiltrate the Louvre with Amwosu's paintings of naked Ira! Posing as a Georgia peanut farmer, the Bonaparte Hotel masseur, eating chitterlings and drinking Fresca with Bonaparte's cat was scaring the poor tourists from Atlanta who were nude except for the Rick Steves moneybelts white tennis shoes a raspberry beret a fanny pack from Louis Vuitton and BIG hair.

Did I dream of a Unicorn flying over the electric sheep, whilst taking mind altering foie gras?.... Ahhhhhh! Or was it a funky mushroom swallowed in Amsterdam in that omelette? The psychedelic omelette filled with mushrooms what a trip!
Feelin' fine, we tripped over. Oh, the diarrhoea! And no TP, so used pages from Rick Steves instead. Still no clothes? Rick didn't mind the unendless stream of information, dampened yet meaningless palaver about wearing a Speedo to the Vatican during High Mass or giving tips to surf with a lazy Fodorite, good ole Ira!

On the other hand, it’s not a foot long like the one Faina saw last …..

ACHTUNG! BREAKING NEWS... the longest elevator ever skied down was a sand dune in London's tube? No, in Arcachon Dune de Pylat it was steep, but not a peep from that creep we're so deep. So let's leave well enough alone.

But not before having creamy chocolate eclairs spiked with vodka made me feel positively nauseous. However, the feeling passed and I trudged through the snow my buns freezing, my baguette limp, when I stumbled and fell headfirst into the moat but was rescued by Prince Harry in his Landrover.
Lawchick is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 05:31 AM
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I cleaned it up but did not alter it. It's completely mindless.
Lawchick is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 05:55 AM
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Wow!! Please don't tell me you printed this all out and then typed it up?

Some bits read really well and others, hmmm not so sure.

Well done for doing this. Schnauzer
schnauzer is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 05:57 AM
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I did my best. The complete disregard for punctuation by most of the 3 worders has caused the difficulties. Ahem!
Lawchick is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 06:04 AM
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Lawchick, well done.

I guess we shouldn't quit our day jobs.

Does this mean we can stop that thread now?

hausfrau is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 06:11 AM
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That's exactly why I did it. Please stop the torture.
Lawchick is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 06:11 AM
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Just when it's getting good.
kleeblatt is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 06:12 AM
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My favourite quote from this is

He wore his Gucci rubber boots with such elan, Tom Ford cried “Give it to the sanitation worker”.
Lawchick is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 06:18 AM
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Lawchick - I had started to do the same thing that you had, but with not looking at Fodors over the weekend and having the last 3 Mondays off, I realised that my attempt was futile and thus gave up.
trafaelwyr is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 06:34 AM
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I am such a proud mama. I contributed 1/6 of that quote.

Is this a case of group genius or idiot savants?

Thanks for compiling this! What a hoot!
starrsville is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 07:00 AM
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Quite an undertaking Lawchick...
Are you really a lawyer? When do you find the time?
robin23 is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 07:01 AM
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this makes me
PalenQ is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 07:06 AM
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I'm in awe. I bowel before greatness.
SuzieCII is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 07:27 AM
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really is an amazingly well-crafted piece. Wow! I'm in awe as well. sincerely in awe!
PalenQ is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 07:43 AM
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Isn't there a saying about giving a million monkeys a million typewriters and they'll produce Shakespeare?
BoniseA is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 07:51 AM
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oh, it's over?

( my mind is operating in simple three word phrases after this literary experiment....hehe ) Great job, Lawchick! Melissa
missmissy is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 08:19 AM
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But who will play the part of naked Ira in the made for television movie version?
amwosu is offline  
Mar 30th, 2007, 08:44 AM
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Johnny Depp...
SuzieCII is offline  
Mar 31st, 2007, 02:22 AM
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Lawchick, I tried, I really did, but the darn thing just won't die!

hausfrau is offline  

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