Would you invite your 17 yo son's girlfriend on a family vacation?
Dec 23rd, 2003, 06:05 AM
#21
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And why not? What's to lose? Why a blanket Nyet when you've not even met the girl (young woman?).
We rent houses every summer for FAMILY beach weeks. We invite friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, old friends, new friends - really anyone a family member wants to come. Even the kids of ex's, and that may be the ultimate stretch. The guiding rule is they have to work out equitable sleeping arrangements.
No problems so far, just lots of fun, laughs. Perhaps we're more relaxed and open to new people, to the idea that kids are entitled to bring along their friends, as are we. So, if you like the girlfriend, go ahead and ask her.
We rent houses every summer for FAMILY beach weeks. We invite friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, old friends, new friends - really anyone a family member wants to come. Even the kids of ex's, and that may be the ultimate stretch. The guiding rule is they have to work out equitable sleeping arrangements.
No problems so far, just lots of fun, laughs. Perhaps we're more relaxed and open to new people, to the idea that kids are entitled to bring along their friends, as are we. So, if you like the girlfriend, go ahead and ask her.
Dec 23rd, 2003, 06:07 AM
#22
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We were all those teenagers at one time and of course didn't have any perspective. We were in love, would die with separation, etc. It's up to the parents to be the adults, set the rules, and teach by example. Often the other siblings feel left out or neglected when an outsider is brought along--she is a "guest" and they are not. My brother did this to us sisters when he reached 18+.
I always remember he had been dating a woman for awhile in college, brought her to family gatherings, etc. Then he moved away to go to graduate school and the woman had the nerve to telephone older brother and ask when she should be ready for him to pick up for the 100-mile drive to my parents for Thanksgiving (she hadn't been invited as the brother she was dating wasn't around and he hadn't mentioned her). No one liked the woman (obviously very pushy, loud, crude), but my Southern gentleman brother brought her along, making an awkward otherwise family gathering (no one knew if he was trying to dump her, was coming back to her--brother was very vague on the subject). Eventually she moved to join him, got pregnant and they got married. Then she kept him home from all family holidays after that
I always remember he had been dating a woman for awhile in college, brought her to family gatherings, etc. Then he moved away to go to graduate school and the woman had the nerve to telephone older brother and ask when she should be ready for him to pick up for the 100-mile drive to my parents for Thanksgiving (she hadn't been invited as the brother she was dating wasn't around and he hadn't mentioned her). No one liked the woman (obviously very pushy, loud, crude), but my Southern gentleman brother brought her along, making an awkward otherwise family gathering (no one knew if he was trying to dump her, was coming back to her--brother was very vague on the subject). Eventually she moved to join him, got pregnant and they got married. Then she kept him home from all family holidays after that
Dec 23rd, 2003, 06:08 AM
#23
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I am not an attorney so maybe one posting here can help...What about your liability if God forbid something were to happen such as a car accident etc.?
And as the previous poster said above, it's no vacation when you have to worry about them sneaking off and worry about someone else's kid.
And as the previous poster said above, it's no vacation when you have to worry about them sneaking off and worry about someone else's kid.
Dec 23rd, 2003, 06:33 AM
#27
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So many responses here seem to imply that teenagers are not people, so they simply don't count for anything.
It's been a while since I was a teen, but I have a 19-year-old sister-in-law and she's a real pleasure to be around. While in high school and through her first year of college she dated one boy exclusively for about 3 years. He went on several family vacations with us, and she went on several with us without him. There was no "kissy-kissy" and they were both pleasant to travel with.
Yes, teens have raging hormones. But to assume that none of them can ever control themselves is a bit absurd. If you and your DH know your son well and have some idea of his personality around adults this should help you in making your decision. I would have to know the people involved before I would decide whether or not to invite a girlfriend or boyfriend of my child on vacation.
But, as I mentioned above, I can attest to the fact that travelling with a teen couple is not as bad as it's made out to be in all the above posts. Many teens are intelligent, interesting and pleasant human beings, if you give them a chance to be.
It's been a while since I was a teen, but I have a 19-year-old sister-in-law and she's a real pleasure to be around. While in high school and through her first year of college she dated one boy exclusively for about 3 years. He went on several family vacations with us, and she went on several with us without him. There was no "kissy-kissy" and they were both pleasant to travel with.
Yes, teens have raging hormones. But to assume that none of them can ever control themselves is a bit absurd. If you and your DH know your son well and have some idea of his personality around adults this should help you in making your decision. I would have to know the people involved before I would decide whether or not to invite a girlfriend or boyfriend of my child on vacation.
But, as I mentioned above, I can attest to the fact that travelling with a teen couple is not as bad as it's made out to be in all the above posts. Many teens are intelligent, interesting and pleasant human beings, if you give them a chance to be.
Dec 23rd, 2003, 06:35 AM
#28
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Oh, and as to liability - I imagine the same would apply if you picked up your son and his girlfriend at their homes and took them to dinner across town. Many, many families travel with their children's friends to many locations around the world. Make sure you get a form from her parents (if she's under 18) stating that you can make medical decisions for her in case of emergency if they cannot be reached.
Dec 23rd, 2003, 06:57 AM
#30
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Another no vote.
Although I do not subscribe to the belief that a family vacation means only blood relatives - when I was a kid we had friends come on vacations too and it made it that much more fun, but these were friends that were very close to family - I would not let a kid bring a lover. I don't think it's appropriate and as others have mentioned, you wont sleep well and will have to deal with them in their own little world. A buddy will be more likely to be part of the whole group. A lover - not likely.
Although I do not subscribe to the belief that a family vacation means only blood relatives - when I was a kid we had friends come on vacations too and it made it that much more fun, but these were friends that were very close to family - I would not let a kid bring a lover. I don't think it's appropriate and as others have mentioned, you wont sleep well and will have to deal with them in their own little world. A buddy will be more likely to be part of the whole group. A lover - not likely.
Dec 23rd, 2003, 06:59 AM
#31
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"Family vacation" - especially not being the custodial parents - why would you want to invite anyone else? You should all use that time to reconnect & get to know each other better. None of the children should bring a friend under those circumstances.
Dec 23rd, 2003, 07:01 AM
#33
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As the mother of a 17 year old son, the answer is absolutely NO. Several reasons:
1) No matter how in love they think they are now, that will probably change. 17 is certainly to long to be making lifelong commitments so this girl is very unlikely to ever be a member of the family.
2) Family vacations are just that--for the family. Our son didn't want to go on a family trip to Alaska next summer--my husband told him when he is 18, he can decide. Till then, we get to decide.
3)Problematic issues regarding sleeping arrangements and too much 24/7 contact--just encourages possibility of them having sex.
1) No matter how in love they think they are now, that will probably change. 17 is certainly to long to be making lifelong commitments so this girl is very unlikely to ever be a member of the family.
2) Family vacations are just that--for the family. Our son didn't want to go on a family trip to Alaska next summer--my husband told him when he is 18, he can decide. Till then, we get to decide.
3)Problematic issues regarding sleeping arrangements and too much 24/7 contact--just encourages possibility of them having sex.
Dec 23rd, 2003, 07:02 AM
#34
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and i'm sorry but unless you are REALLY REALLY good friends with the girl's parents, you should NOT NOT get a form from her parents giving you permission to make decision on the girl's health! and frankly, the parents of the girl should not allow that unless you're family (and trusted family on top of that). that's simply asking for trouble.
Dec 23rd, 2003, 07:32 AM
#35
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I have neither the time nor the inclination to read this long thread, so perhaps my response has been said above:
Nothing is going to happen on the vacation that hasn't happened many many times already. If your son is having sex, then he'll have more sex on the vacation. If he's not, the vacation will not make a difference.
If sex is your worry, get over it. If disharmony is the concern, that's another matter . . . and one only you can answer based on the unique dynamics of your family and your son's relationship.
Nothing is going to happen on the vacation that hasn't happened many many times already. If your son is having sex, then he'll have more sex on the vacation. If he's not, the vacation will not make a difference.
If sex is your worry, get over it. If disharmony is the concern, that's another matter . . . and one only you can answer based on the unique dynamics of your family and your son's relationship.
Dec 23rd, 2003, 07:32 AM
#36
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It's not a blanket statement to make any decision you want. But do you really want the emergency room to not be able to do something basic to help your child because they can't reach you by phone?
Talk to a lawyer about the options here - don't take the advice of anyone (including me) from a bulletin board about these types of matters.
Talk to a lawyer about the options here - don't take the advice of anyone (including me) from a bulletin board about these types of matters.
Dec 23rd, 2003, 07:34 AM
#37
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When I was 17 my family invited my boyfriend's family to go to the beach with us for the week. They stayed in the house next door to our beach house.
Guess what? We got in a fight and by the end of the week, neither family was speaking. We managed to RUIN everyone's week.
Do NOT invite the girlfriend.
Guess what? We got in a fight and by the end of the week, neither family was speaking. We managed to RUIN everyone's week.
Do NOT invite the girlfriend.
Dec 23rd, 2003, 07:34 AM
#38
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Final thought: The people on this forum, particularly the over-anxious hypocrites & prudes, don't know you or your family, so please take all of our advice, certainly including mine, with a tiny grain of salt. Your situation is unique; there is no right or wrong answer. Step up to the plate and be a parent.
Dec 23rd, 2003, 07:35 AM
#39
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There has been a lot of speculation on this thread about the teens' relationship -- whether they'd fight, how long they've been going out, whether they'd be kissy-kissy or whether they've "had sex" (how I hate that term!) already or would be tempted, what sort of personality this girl has.
The reason that I would say NO is simply *because* all these things are unknown, and very likely unkonwn even to a noncustodial parent. The girl is a complete stranger to them, they have no way of anticipating what impact she'd have on the vacation (as they would if they were custodial and knew her already). Given how fleeting teen relationships usually are, I'd place a higher priority on fostering the boy's relationship with his noncustodial parent and step-mom rather than indulging in his request to bring ANY friend along.
The reason that I would say NO is simply *because* all these things are unknown, and very likely unkonwn even to a noncustodial parent. The girl is a complete stranger to them, they have no way of anticipating what impact she'd have on the vacation (as they would if they were custodial and knew her already). Given how fleeting teen relationships usually are, I'd place a higher priority on fostering the boy's relationship with his noncustodial parent and step-mom rather than indulging in his request to bring ANY friend along.
