oops - hit the button too fast! That last line sounds pretty snotty as is - meant to say enjoy it by yoursleves - that's what honeymoons are for - but don't expect others to foot the bill (money or time) to indulge your personal wishes.

Seamus, while your free to express your opinion, I have no idea what 'put up or suck it up' is supposed to mean because I clearly didn't say that. I wrote several replies to this post, in each of them I've expressed my opinion that couples should be able to hold the type of wedding they choose and in turn, guests should choose to go or not go without feeling obligated. I think it's ridiculous that any person tell someone how they MUST celebrate their wedding. BTW..I recently read that the average cost of a wedding in California is about $17,000, and hearing what many friends and co-workers are spending on weddings, that's probably a low-ball. I agree with what some have posted on here..spending tens of thousands of dollars is IMHO, money spent better elsewhere. Many destination weddings, including ours will cost about a 1/3 of that, I wouldn't call that "pretentious".

The one thing that's so disheartening about online forums is how so many people feel the need to judge others.

The perfect destination came to me while responding to another thread here - while we were in Florida in February, saw a wedding being held at upscale mall, CityPlace in West Palm Beach. Ceremony was held in front of a fountain, guests sat in little courtyard and non-invitees, like us, could watch from balconys.

Perfect destination wedding - guests can do a little shopping after the ceremony.

We were very pleased when, after a ++year 'courtship' our daughter and her intended announced plans to (finally) marry. We were less than pleased when we learned that they were having the ceremony in Jamaica. In August. DH and I do NOT like heat. (But he's way-worse about it than I am.) And it was hot! An armed guard patrolled at night outside the young folks' rented villa. The cost of our travel and accommodations (where the generator and hence, the a/c went out every afternoon for several hours) was...a lot. And the return journey, with an overbooked, way-delayed flight, was pure nightmare. Only time I ever truly wanted to kiss the pavement on arrival back in the U.S.

Just rec'd word from an elderly aunt (who lives near Chicago, as do the groom's parents)that her grandson's wedding this summer is being held "on a farm in Iowa." Auntie has health issues. She'll not be going. "I'd always wanted to dance at his wedding," she says, wistfully.

I do understand wanting to have some kind of 'dream' wedding....but at the expense of dear ones, who can't be with you? Or at their great expense? Seems like there should be a middle ground (and a little greater consideration).

I think couples fail to recognize that in the long run what will matter most about their special day is having their friends and family there.

All the beautiful, dream-like scenery in the world isn't what matters about a wedding. But like so much of the FANTASY that weddings have evolved to, people somehow think that is what matters.

I wish one of my 4 currently single brothers would get married and have a destination wedding. I'd love to go. I think it would be a blast.

christy,

I agree. IMO, the only way to pull off a destination wedding and still show you care about your friends and family (and truly want them to attend) is to simply pay thier airfare and resort fees. Otherwise just make it withing driving distance and be happy that all your loved ones can share the experience.

Bardo1 and Wliwl,

Amen!

To ggrtist: I wanted to respond to a comment you made, but I'm not sure I'm understanding it correctly.

You stated: "I agree with what some have posted on here..spending tens of thousands of dollars is IMHO, money spent better elsewhere. Many destination weddings, including ours will cost about a 1/3 of that, I wouldn't call that "pretentious"."

If I am reading your comments correctly, you're patting yourself on the back for only spending 1/3 of what many other people spend (you referenced an average of $17,000) since that means you are not 'pretentious' and you're also saving yourself 'money better spent elsewhere.'

What confuses me is that it sounds like you're the only one saving the money, and you've decided to do it at the expense of your guests. In order for you to get away with spending only $6000 (roughly 1/3 of $17000 in your example) and still have an exotic wedding, you're relying on your guests to make up the difference with their air, hotel, car rental, and lost time from work and family. Sounds like you believe the 'money better spent elsewhere' rule only applies to you, and not your guests.

Please let me know if I read your posting correctly. Because if I did, I find it disturbing.

I also can't help thinking that expecting guests to shell out that kind of money and time committment, together with eliminating guests that would like to celebrate your special day but now cannot, and therefore feel sad and guilty, is clearly the ultimate definition of "pretentious."

i think a lot of people here are forgetting that weddings are about the bride and groom who often bend over backwards trying to make everyone happy. this is, of course, impossible. when you're in your 30's and you've both moved around for school/work and your parents have moved since you left home where, pray tell, are you "supposed" to have the wedding?! it's not always as simple as the place where most people can drive.

so we're having a destination wedding. off season and in the continental us. everyone has to fly there, but that includes the bride and groom as well. we do not have the money to pay for our guests airfare and hotel as someone suggested, but we did negotiate hotel prices to make it more affordable. we sent invitations to people who are important in our lives. yes, they all included travel information but that wasn't meant to "obligate" anyone to go. it was simply meant to keep everyone abreast of our plans. we are not at all offended that many people can't come. and as for the whole "weddings as money makers" thing... yes, we have a gift registry, but it is composed ENTIRELY of non-profit organizations to which we have asked our guest to make donations!

please take a step back and look at the situation. maybe you should be flattered that you were included in your friends' wedding plans and politely decline if you are unable to go. maybe you disagree with the way the happy couple has planned their day, but it is THEIR day, not yours.

To Judy24.. and any others who continue to 'judge' people and circumstances they don't know...

My father died 1 1/2 ago ago at the age of 53. My mother has mental health issues and can't attend my wedding regardless. My Grandpa and Aunt thinks it's great because they can visit some other family in Hawaii while they're there. My sister & family were planning on a group vacation trip to Hawaii before I got engaged, they are staying with us for free. My 13 year old is thrilled to go. I have no other close family members.

My fiance's parents have a timeshare so they're stay in Hawaii is free. His 4 best buddies and cousin are thrilled to get an excuse to vacation in Hawaii this summer because some of them have never been.

We're not excluding anyone that really cares. The other 2nd cousins, uncles and relatives we see MAYBE once a year are looking forward to attending a fun at home reception.

You can re-read your post and see that NONE of it applies here, feel free to sleep worry-free tonight because we aren't 'expecting guests to shell out money and time committment' that they don't want to spend.

No one else needs to bother personally addressing any posts on this thread to me, my time is better spent on the friendlier Aloha section. I rarely get involved in these debates and this is the reason why.

GGrtist and Moti, I hope you both have wonderful weddings and create great memories that will carry you through many years of marriage. I don't know why anyone would begudge you this.

Amen, Moti.

The bottom line is, some people will complain about anything.

When a bride and groom have a destination wedding (my gay boyfriend is a college professor and a professional wedding planner and I've helped him with tons of destination weddings), they realize that close friends and family may not be able to attend the wedding. It's a given.

If it is a burden, don't go. I'm sure the bride and groom would rather not have complaining unhappy guests.

It really is that easy.

If it really is that easy, Go Travel, then why is it that I know of at least three life long friendships that have been greatly altered/affected by the fact of a desination wedding.

You can't as a parent, re-live your life to get another great friend, who remains "hurt" that people did not attend her only daughter's wedding etc. etc. etc. The hurt is hurt, and it's there. If you saw her birth, you should see her wedding.

Yes, it "shouldn't" be. Yes, the friendship may be labeled "flawed". But
humans are. And it happens. A lot.

And I find that this 30, moved away from home, this is what we do, are often the groups that end up having no friends or few connections, sometimes even to each other. Yes, it is a vast generalization. No, I am not against all of these weddings. Yes, each case is different. But in my case I've seen two of my friends(NOT ME), who were best friends for 35 years, become somewhat altered with each other over this. And when all is said and done, I find the majority of the guests are often frankly half-hearted about going in the first place. And that most of the brides/grooms do it just to reduce the size of the "party" overall.

I don't find it simple or easy to invariably hurt a friend, when I need to because I just can't afford these things. And they are NOT like a vacation to me, at all.

JJ5, not doubting that the friendships were ended over wedding plans but if they were that strong of friendships, would something as trivial as a wedding end them?

Personally, I think it is up to the bride and groom to decide how they wish to spend their day. If some one is going to ruin a friendship because a guest cannot travel to a wedding, then I would think there truly wasn't a friendship to begin with.

However, I would suggest that rather than sending invitations to all and sundry, it perhaps might be best to send out invites to those who the couple feels can be there and they wish to attend. Any others should perhaps get a wedding announcement instead of an invitation. I've had this happen to me, and it worked out really well. Of course, there was a more casual reception/party given at a later date for the couple to celebrate with those guests who could not travel. That is always a nice idea as well.

People get hurt when friends/close relatives decline a wedding invitation for no good reason. My best friend's only sister refused to attend her sister's wedding! The wedding was in mid-July. My friend's sister had had a baby in mid-March....4 months b/f the wedding. She told her sister that she was not going to the wedding because she had "just had a baby"!! This was not a destination wedding. Nor was it a wedding that wld have involved major expense....they only had to drive a couple of hours to get to the wedding. Well, all of this happened over 20 years ago & my friend is still hurt. Many times over the years she has tried talking w/ her sister about how hurt she was( & probably still is) but the sister has always said "stop going over the same old crap."

" I rarely get involved in these debates and this is the reason why.
"

Because people disagree with you?

No it didn't "end" the friendship, but it did change it- considerably.

And now in 2006, yes, it is up to the couple entirely. And even sometimes when they aren't paying for it themselves. (I HAVE witnessed this more than once.) But that was not always the case, in either history or long human tradition. In fact it was almost a polar opposite in the past. It was about society and the base cultural unit of the economic system. And hugely about the family that raised the girl to womanhood. That's why there are so many songs re Daddy's and wedding etc. etc.

Most of those perimeters are no longer true, and I don't think the transitions to new forms have been simple. Nor can you easily please JUST the couples' immediate families when distance is a large factor in the equation.

And not one mention was made of religion. Which is important to many young couples today, believe it or not.

To many of us, it just isn't that simple as a yes or no. Most of the time, in my case, it is a no, when I would like it to be a yes.