Destination weddings ruining your own travel plans?
May 7th, 2006, 04:09 AM
#21
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another angle to it - for those who invite someone to a destination wedding and say they are not forcing people to come:
a) are you still expecting a present if they do not come; or
b) if they do come, do you consider the expense of going the present to the couple as it will be pretty expensive?
a) are you still expecting a present if they do not come; or
b) if they do come, do you consider the expense of going the present to the couple as it will be pretty expensive?
May 7th, 2006, 04:10 AM
#22
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I'm getting married in Florida in October and my fiance's family is from Vermont and by default, for them, it is a destination wedding! lol
I agree that some weddings get out of hand but on the other er hand, there has been an increase in guests wanting to do more when they come to a wedding. Since mine is in Florida because I have lived here for 28 years, people are saying "cool! it's Disney time" or "great, we are coming for a week to stay on the beach!" In some cases, brides coordinate something then like a beach day but not as a requirement but as a way to help people from out of town.
For my wedding, we are having a something (no title yet) for out of town family members on the day before the wedding only because our family reunion was cancelled this summer and people are using my wedding as a reunion too. Now shouldn't I complain that people are using me and my location????
I agree that some weddings get out of hand but on the other er hand, there has been an increase in guests wanting to do more when they come to a wedding. Since mine is in Florida because I have lived here for 28 years, people are saying "cool! it's Disney time" or "great, we are coming for a week to stay on the beach!" In some cases, brides coordinate something then like a beach day but not as a requirement but as a way to help people from out of town.
For my wedding, we are having a something (no title yet) for out of town family members on the day before the wedding only because our family reunion was cancelled this summer and people are using my wedding as a reunion too. Now shouldn't I complain that people are using me and my location????
May 7th, 2006, 04:42 AM
#23
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My opinion and observation: Weddings have been out of control and are getting more out of control!! I'm guessing, I think it was ten years ago when I saw on a TV program that the average wedding cost $15 to $20 thousand. Whew, what are they now? I'd think parents would give the money to put a down payment on a house! How about a exotic honeymoon for them? The money would be and should be better spent.
My husband and I had 20 people to the church and to a small, intimate sit down dinner. It was only close immediate family and the minister and his wife. It was very tastefully done. And, very special! It meant a great deal to me to have the most important people in our lives there. Not to mention all the stress of a big wedding was left out!
It will always be very special memory. And, we didn't need all the hoopla. Money was used for our home, a great get away honeymoon, and the rest is in the bank collecting interest for our future. My opinion, the foundation for a future is more important than that one day to try and out do, impress everyone.... Loved my Wedding!!
My husband and I had 20 people to the church and to a small, intimate sit down dinner. It was only close immediate family and the minister and his wife. It was very tastefully done. And, very special! It meant a great deal to me to have the most important people in our lives there. Not to mention all the stress of a big wedding was left out!
It will always be very special memory. And, we didn't need all the hoopla. Money was used for our home, a great get away honeymoon, and the rest is in the bank collecting interest for our future. My opinion, the foundation for a future is more important than that one day to try and out do, impress everyone.... Loved my Wedding!!
May 7th, 2006, 05:27 AM
#24
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I agree that weddings are out of control. I think that so many people have forgotten the true meaning and spirit of weddings. In fact, most people that I've known who have had destination weddings were the ones who truly understood that your wedding day is a day for you and your spouse. In many "normal" weddings that I've attended, the bride and groom are so busy attending to every guest that they don't even have time to enjoy themselves. What's the point of that? I mean, if you really want that, and I had it with my first wedding, then go for it. I had a blast in my first wedding, and it was a very inexpensive big wedding (250 guests for under $8K). But my second wedding was tiny (less than 50 guests and under $2K). And I loved that even more--I'm betting though that it was because I was marrying the right man this time! ;-) But we would have done the destination wedding if we could have flown family over. And we would have just done a big party at home when we returned. But my friends who have had their destination weddings understood that people wouldn't be able to go, and they were okay with that. We just honored the couple when they returned. They sent out invitations just in case the people they cared about would be able to go. We still gave presents, and we spent however much we normally would have had they married in town and depending on how close they were. We never get insulted because we can't afford to go. We don't change our plans if we have other plans. And we definitely get excited if it's at a place where we've always wanted to visit and could afford to attend. IMHO, too many people get too worked up about things that really shouldn't bother them. If you don't like it, then don't take part in it.
May 7th, 2006, 06:10 AM
#25
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I think some are naive when they suggest that the wedding couple will understand when others decline to attend. I have friend who literally lost their very closest friends because they didn't go to their wedding in Aruba. Word came back to them that the wedding couple were hurt and shocked that the people they thought were their closest friends didn't care enough to travel to their wedding. They cut off all contact with them after the wedding.
Petty? Sure. But it does happen. Emotions seem to run high around weddings.
Petty? Sure. But it does happen. Emotions seem to run high around weddings.
May 7th, 2006, 06:11 AM
#26
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I'll agree with everyone else that weddings are out of control! Brides today seem to forget that the wedding is just ONE DAY of the MARRIAGE. It doesn't have to be something that puts you into debt for a long time, and it shouldn't be something you do to show off or impress people.
My brother-in-law and his new wife got married in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico last May. NONE of the groom's family was able to attend due to lack of money, fear of flying, schedule conflicts, etc. They knew all this when they chose the location and date, but they went ahead with it anyway because that was what they wanted.
My brother-in-law and his new wife got married in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico last May. NONE of the groom's family was able to attend due to lack of money, fear of flying, schedule conflicts, etc. They knew all this when they chose the location and date, but they went ahead with it anyway because that was what they wanted.
May 7th, 2006, 06:21 AM
#27
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Some really good points have been made here, and it's interesting to see the differing points of view.
I think the issue of whether weddings in general have gotten out of hand is a whole separate issue. In fact, wasn't there a recent thread on this very topic?
So trying to stick to the original question, I'd like to point out two things. First of all, sometimes a destination wedding is the result of a couple trying to avoid having a big 3-ring circus that costs a fortune. For a fraction of that cost, they can go to a "destination" and pay for their air, hotel, and a small dinner for the few guests that will join them. And then they're often already at their honeymoon location. On the one hand, this works since they're opting out of they type of wedding where they would have to go into debt. But on the other hand, they're doing it at the expense of their guests who join them, and at the expense of the other guests who don't get to share in their special day. So I'm still on the fence on how I feel about that.
The second point is that sometimes a destination wedding is not really a destination wedding. Since we're long past the times where everyone stayed in the same place they grew up and ended up marrying someone from their hometown, you will often have a situation where the bride is from LA and the groom is from NY. And maybe now they're both living in Chicago. Where do you hold the wedding? Tradition says the bride's family hosts the wedding. So if it's held in LA, it's a hometown wedding for any family and friends still living there. But now it's a destination wedding for the groom's side, as well as the couple's friends from Chicago. In other words, SOMEONE is always going to be put out. However, as a general rule, I don't really have a problem with that type of situation. My concern is where there is a deliberate attempt to have EVERYONE travel, especially to an exotic (read: expensive) local.
I also agree that while there shouldn't be any hard feelings if you can't attend, the reality is that it's never as easy as that.
I think the issue of whether weddings in general have gotten out of hand is a whole separate issue. In fact, wasn't there a recent thread on this very topic?
So trying to stick to the original question, I'd like to point out two things. First of all, sometimes a destination wedding is the result of a couple trying to avoid having a big 3-ring circus that costs a fortune. For a fraction of that cost, they can go to a "destination" and pay for their air, hotel, and a small dinner for the few guests that will join them. And then they're often already at their honeymoon location. On the one hand, this works since they're opting out of they type of wedding where they would have to go into debt. But on the other hand, they're doing it at the expense of their guests who join them, and at the expense of the other guests who don't get to share in their special day. So I'm still on the fence on how I feel about that.
The second point is that sometimes a destination wedding is not really a destination wedding. Since we're long past the times where everyone stayed in the same place they grew up and ended up marrying someone from their hometown, you will often have a situation where the bride is from LA and the groom is from NY. And maybe now they're both living in Chicago. Where do you hold the wedding? Tradition says the bride's family hosts the wedding. So if it's held in LA, it's a hometown wedding for any family and friends still living there. But now it's a destination wedding for the groom's side, as well as the couple's friends from Chicago. In other words, SOMEONE is always going to be put out. However, as a general rule, I don't really have a problem with that type of situation. My concern is where there is a deliberate attempt to have EVERYONE travel, especially to an exotic (read: expensive) local.
I also agree that while there shouldn't be any hard feelings if you can't attend, the reality is that it's never as easy as that.
May 7th, 2006, 06:40 AM
#28
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"I have friend who literally lost their very closest friends because they didn't go to their wedding in Aruba. Word came back to them that the wedding couple were hurt and shocked that the people they thought were their closest friends didn't care enough to travel to their wedding."
So, they don't REALLY know what created the problem, but instead listening to gossip.
If you have friends who won't understand you can't attend because of money, you need new friends.
If you feel coerced to attend even though it isn't convenient or economical, you need a backbone implant. Good friends will understand.
The wedding isn't about you and your needs. If you can't go, you can't go. That shouldn't mean that the wedding couple needs to have a reception at the local VFW just to meet the needs of a few friends.
So, they don't REALLY know what created the problem, but instead listening to gossip.
If you have friends who won't understand you can't attend because of money, you need new friends.
If you feel coerced to attend even though it isn't convenient or economical, you need a backbone implant. Good friends will understand.
The wedding isn't about you and your needs. If you can't go, you can't go. That shouldn't mean that the wedding couple needs to have a reception at the local VFW just to meet the needs of a few friends.
May 7th, 2006, 08:31 AM
#29
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Since 50% of marriages now end in
divorce, I would probably need a contract from the couple stating they
will be together for at least 5 years
if I have to travel over 5,000 miles
to attend the nuptials. If I have to
travel over 10,000 miles they'd better
plan on sticking it out at least a
decade!
divorce, I would probably need a contract from the couple stating they
will be together for at least 5 years
if I have to travel over 5,000 miles
to attend the nuptials. If I have to
travel over 10,000 miles they'd better
plan on sticking it out at least a
decade!
May 7th, 2006, 08:59 AM
#30
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I'm sorry, but some of these very strong feelings are a bit amusing to me and it certainly has strayed from the OP questions. Who gives anyone the right to determine how someone's wedding should be planned and whether it's out of control or not? It's the bride & groom or their parents footing the bill for their 'out of control' wedding, not you. Just accept or decline your invitation and go on with your day. Say they choose to have their Destination wedding and don't invite you because they knew you couldn't go since you just bought tickets for your family vacation. Then you might be complaining and offended because you weren't invited. This world and nation in particular is just becoming way to concerned about accommodating EVERYONE, unfortunately it's just not possible.
May 7th, 2006, 09:37 AM
#31
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Definitely ggrtist - no matter what a couple chooses, people are going to take issue with it. My inlaws were unhappy that there wasn't MORE pomp and circumstance surrounding our wedding. Oh well. They got over it - I think. If they haven't, they no longer say anything - LOL.
May 7th, 2006, 09:56 AM
#32
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"If you have friends who won't understand you can't attend because of money, you need new friends."
No one said it had anything to do with money. That was part of the problem. The couple who chose not to go simply didn't go because they didn't want to go to Aruba and didn't want to change other vacation plans. They could easily have afforded it which is why the wedding couple took issue. They saw it as their "not caring" enough about their wedding to change their plans.
But I do agree. If two couples are friends and they can't communicate better than that -- they all need new friends.
No one said it had anything to do with money. That was part of the problem. The couple who chose not to go simply didn't go because they didn't want to go to Aruba and didn't want to change other vacation plans. They could easily have afforded it which is why the wedding couple took issue. They saw it as their "not caring" enough about their wedding to change their plans.
But I do agree. If two couples are friends and they can't communicate better than that -- they all need new friends.
May 7th, 2006, 03:23 PM
#33
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If anyone got mad at me for not going to a destination wedding, for whatever my reason, I would consider myself blessed if they were no longer speaking to me. Life is too short to be manipulated like that.
To answer the op, no I would never sacrifice my plans to attend a wedding at some far flung locale. The polite way to decline is, as someone pointed out, check the "no" on the RSVP. If pressed by the bride or groom as to why, I would explain it just doesn't fit with my travel plans, after wishing them all the happiness in the world. (Maybe they'd be happy to trim their guest list a bit.)
I would go if it were somewhere I wanted to go and it was at a time that suited me. So far, the only destination wedding I've gone to is Las Vegas for my own more than a few years ago.
To answer the op, no I would never sacrifice my plans to attend a wedding at some far flung locale. The polite way to decline is, as someone pointed out, check the "no" on the RSVP. If pressed by the bride or groom as to why, I would explain it just doesn't fit with my travel plans, after wishing them all the happiness in the world. (Maybe they'd be happy to trim their guest list a bit.)
I would go if it were somewhere I wanted to go and it was at a time that suited me. So far, the only destination wedding I've gone to is Las Vegas for my own more than a few years ago.
May 7th, 2006, 03:51 PM
#34
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Why would anyone be offended at being invited to a destination wedding? You don't have to go!!!!!!, don't be critical of the bride and groom's choice, where they will exchange their vows. It is after all their choice not yours!
May 7th, 2006, 04:00 PM
#35
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This is a really interesting thread. The most interesting point is that some people seem to think that the bride and groom should be expecting a significant number of people to decline when they have a DW, and that they shouldn't be upset by this. Now, I'm sure most DW brides and grooms do expect declines and they don't mind when coworkers, cousins, and not-so-close friends decline, but I do believe there is some pressure when it comes to family and close friends. Especially when those close people choose to take another vacation somewhere else within the same time frame... People can say whatever they want about the need to be able to say no and how the bride and groom should just understand, but I do think it would be pretty tough to tell someone who I cared about alot (like a best friend) that my other vacation was more important than to see them get married, which is quite possibly the most important day of their lives. For a best friend or close family member, I would have to say I would probably choose to go, assuming I could afford it, regardless of my other plans or if I liked the locale or not. This is simply because some experiences with people I care about will always top whatever travel destination I would rather go to. Just my two cents...
May 7th, 2006, 04:22 PM
#36
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Its a tough call for anyone who has been there.
We had VERY close friends recently get married in the Carribean. When I figured out expenses, we would have spent about $3k on 4 days + spend 1/2 of two days traveling there and back. While I wish we had unlimited funds and time, it was virtually impossible. If I had called in the 'babysitting chit' then that was our only vacation for the year.
My overriding emotion: disappointment.
I was looking forward to their wedding in the town they live in - about 2 hours away. A night away without kids and a chance to have a cocktail (or two.. or three...)! (I don't mind calling the babysitting chit for one night...). Obviously, this didn't happen.
THEY chose to save money and have it in Nevis. However, that cost ALL of their guests serious coin. I wish they had never invited us, because then I wouldn't have had the guilt of not going. Did THEY put that guilt on us - no, they were understanding, but we would have never received an invitation with 'save the date' card and travel arrangements if they didn't expect people to attend.
My personal view: I think its selfish and I was resentful that they expected me to blow my vacation funds, time, and babysitting for THEIR time. Yes, much of it was self-driven, but I think they expected us to come (otherwise no travel arrangements, etc.)
ymmv....
We had VERY close friends recently get married in the Carribean. When I figured out expenses, we would have spent about $3k on 4 days + spend 1/2 of two days traveling there and back. While I wish we had unlimited funds and time, it was virtually impossible. If I had called in the 'babysitting chit' then that was our only vacation for the year.
My overriding emotion: disappointment.
I was looking forward to their wedding in the town they live in - about 2 hours away. A night away without kids and a chance to have a cocktail (or two.. or three...)! (I don't mind calling the babysitting chit for one night...). Obviously, this didn't happen.
THEY chose to save money and have it in Nevis. However, that cost ALL of their guests serious coin. I wish they had never invited us, because then I wouldn't have had the guilt of not going. Did THEY put that guilt on us - no, they were understanding, but we would have never received an invitation with 'save the date' card and travel arrangements if they didn't expect people to attend.
My personal view: I think its selfish and I was resentful that they expected me to blow my vacation funds, time, and babysitting for THEIR time. Yes, much of it was self-driven, but I think they expected us to come (otherwise no travel arrangements, etc.)
ymmv....
May 7th, 2006, 04:34 PM
#37
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I guess my parents brought me up with an old fashioned sense of responsibility.
To me a wedding is an event that takes place with all of your family and close friends present to take part in the celebration. The most sensible way of accomplishing this has been to have a ceremony performed where it would take the least amount of difficulty for anyone to attend.
This also includes the lavishness of said wedding. Weddings do NOT need a second mortgage taken on the parents home to accommodate the bride and groom. Marriages can and do last for many years with a minister performing the ceremony in the living room or garden.
I can see misunderstandings occurring when not all "friends" can afford to accept invitations to lavish destination weddings. Many of us have a bit of difficulty saying "sorry I really don't have that kind of money for the trip."
For what it's worth "give me a small wedding where the guests have known either the bride or groom most of their lives." That is truly sharing your love with those you love.
my 2cents too.
To me a wedding is an event that takes place with all of your family and close friends present to take part in the celebration. The most sensible way of accomplishing this has been to have a ceremony performed where it would take the least amount of difficulty for anyone to attend.
This also includes the lavishness of said wedding. Weddings do NOT need a second mortgage taken on the parents home to accommodate the bride and groom. Marriages can and do last for many years with a minister performing the ceremony in the living room or garden.
I can see misunderstandings occurring when not all "friends" can afford to accept invitations to lavish destination weddings. Many of us have a bit of difficulty saying "sorry I really don't have that kind of money for the trip."
For what it's worth "give me a small wedding where the guests have known either the bride or groom most of their lives." That is truly sharing your love with those you love.
my 2cents too.
May 7th, 2006, 08:26 PM
#39
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ggrtist, think you are headed in the right direction with the "don't go if you don't want to or can't but there's still a disconnect. You cite that because the couple and/or their parents are paying for it the invitees should ust put up or suck it up. Well, if the hosts were paying for the guest's travel that would be fine. Instead, most "destination weddings" are the sad attempt of people with some resources trying to behave as if they had a lot of resources - what we used to call pretentious. If a place is so special to you, then go ahead and enjoy it - by yourselves.
May 7th, 2006, 08:28 PM
#40
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LN
Interesting point about "Marriages can and do last for many years with a minister performing the ceremony in the living room or garden."
I've read a statistic somewhere that couples who don't go into a lot of debt for the wedding tend to stay together. Of course that doesn't apply to all but it makes sense when couples focus on the marriage rather than the wedding.
Bottom line- it really doesn't matter how or where you get married or who attends. It's more fun to look forward to Anniversary parties!
Interesting point about "Marriages can and do last for many years with a minister performing the ceremony in the living room or garden."
I've read a statistic somewhere that couples who don't go into a lot of debt for the wedding tend to stay together. Of course that doesn't apply to all but it makes sense when couples focus on the marriage rather than the wedding.
Bottom line- it really doesn't matter how or where you get married or who attends. It's more fun to look forward to Anniversary parties!
