Personally, as a 40-year old single woman, I have never felt pressured by society to marry or have children. I have felt pressure to dress up whilst in Paris and to never EVER wear my running shoes on vacation -- but to be expected to marry and pro-create...never. No ill-intent meant by this...just an opposite viewpoint.

Fishee, I'm in the same situation and probably your same age. I must admit that I am a bit reluctant to have children because I do enjoy traveling so much. To be honest I love my life right now with my husband and don't want to share him because he works long hours. The one nagging me to have kids is my mother who lives 3000 miles away and one SIL who just had a baby and wants me to have one too so the kids can play! Their intentions are good but the number one thing to remember is that YOU are the one that will be raising a child. Yes, I feel the pangs to have a child every now and then but they go away real fast when I see a kid misbehaving. Don't get me wrong, I love the children of my friends/family but I don't see myself raising one and don't know if I ever will .

My clock is ticking at this age and I guess I have 2 years before I have to get really serious (I said that 2 years ago). But for us, I am 100% happy in my marriage and happy with my life. Honestly the only time I think about a family are when others ask me and I feel guilty or I see a kids that brings out those maternal instincts for a moment. No one has the right answer as to having a baby or not having one. The one thing I do know that many others have told me is not to have kids because you feel pressured by other family/friends and I believe that to be true. I have friends/family that love having children and ones that confide they think they would have been happier without children. So, the answer is, I don't know the answer but perhaps go with your heart. My husband and I are happily married for 12 years and no kids yet, do not know what the future holds but we are very happy on our own right now.

On a side note the birth rate is also decreasing rapidly in Italy. Many young people are choosing to not have families. There are liked articles about Europeans and child bearing linked to the right of the article:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4739154.stm

This has been an interesting discussion.

The only aspect I think that is still lacking is that parenting - in its 24-7 responsibility period- doesn't go on forever.

People with adult children live pretty much the same as 'no kids' people in the sense of responsibilities/financial burdens etc etc. By the time they are properly grown-up (unless you are very unlucky) you only get the nice bits of parenthood and none of the headaches. In fact, you can get a lot of benefits. My parents travel more now that they did in the past as my brothers can afford to take them away with them on occassion (and both brothers also own holiday homes, one in the UK and one in Portugal, which my parents get the use of).

so, essentially, you don't have to choose between two desperately different lifestyles if you have kids. You just experience the parenting lifestyle AS WELL as the lifestyle of freedom and more selfish pleasures. It's not one or the other, it's both.

Another little point. I do think age makes a big difference. I think it is more disruptive to have your kids late than early. I had my son when I was 21 and we had a ball together when he was little. Now he is 20 and living independently, I'm still only 41 and now living pretty much the free lifestyle again (with the odd 'mum's taxi' job) with the benefits of a having a lovely son as well. Would I consider having a kid again at this age - no, absolutely not. Tying up your life in childrearing until you are aged 60 sounds like hell to me. This is MY time. I think that the changes and restrictions brought by children must be harder to deal with for older parents who have already established their adult lives.

However, I'm only saying all this to point out that kids do not actually equal a lifetime of sacrifice and servitude as you seem to feel at the moment. The main effort of parenthood is a phase, not a life sentence.

Don't have kids unless you really want them. Who cares what other people think? People were pretty judgemental about my having an 'only' child too. Tell'em it's none of their business!

My group of friends is not generally a very 'childy' one. A few have one child. One couple has two children. No-one has more than that. A lot of us have chosen not to have any children at all and no-one seems to find that odd. We all seem pretty much the same with regards to overall happiness/satisfaction/achievement. Those of us with children don't regret having them. Those without children have never expressed regret about that either.

Fshee and all the other undecided no children travelling women on this page. I am a 26 year old with three beautiful children. yes I have sacrificed travelling and alot of other things I guess I would of done in life without children, but the thing is, I havent travelled much but i have been around Australia nearly twice also I spent two weeks in vanuatu on my honeymoon and my sister and I are off to Europe and italy for 1 month. The thing is I could not for one second regret (even on the hardest day) my children, the love that you have for a child and the love that you get in return outways anything you could ever do in life and you know when you get home there is always open arms and a great big kiss (unconditional love). Never having children Is a personal decision and yours alone but what will you do when your to old to travel anymore.

By which time your children might not be speaking to you - I think unconditional love stops at adolescence, doesn't it ?

Hi Fishee,
Only have kids if you really want them.
I had mine young (late 20's). We had no money to go anywhere anyway. We took a few trips when the children were babies (to hawaii from the east coast). Most of our traveling started about 5 years ago (besides beach house type things in the summer). We took some trips with kids and some without. Now, it seems we travel only with. The girls are almost 13 and 14 years old. The early years were hard. I will not lie about that. Having two about 1 and a half years apart is like having twins the hard way. They are one year apart in school and get along very well.(They always have.) So, I have been blessed. They are also good travelers. (another blessing). Travel for me is a must. I love it. My husband enjoys it as well. The kids have definitely enjoyed the perks. We are planning our first trip to Europe with kids for summer 2008 which will be our 20th wedding anniversary. Neither one of us has gone together and the last time we were both in Europe was 1980 when we were teens!

I was not a kid who liked babysitting. I do not have patience for other people's little kids and I would never want to be a school teacher. I am not really a little kid person. BUT, I love my girls and can not imagine life without them. They are my life. They get more fun each year.
Enough of my story. I hope that you will find what YOU want out of life. Having kids is definitely a decision that will get harder as you get older, more established in your job, and more used to doing whatever you want. Good luck with your decision and don't listen to anyone that gives you a hard time about it. It is a life long job really. You will worry about them and put their needs above your own forever.
Of course, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Fishee: Being only a few years older than you, I had the same inner battle a few years ago in my early 30's. Be it family, friends, co-workers, or society in general you feel the pressure of having to do the "normal/traditional" get married have babies thing. Otherwise people assume that you are lonely, dislike kids, ect.
I never married. I have no children unless you count the 45 so called adults *mostly alpha males* that I supervise! I have one and 1/2 dogs (my mother forgot to return 1 two years ago after dogsitting). And I own my home.

In my early thirties, I had the "if I am going to get married and have kids I need to do it now crisis". After a brief period of turmoil, I just asked myself "Am I happy? Do I want the other path or am I just feeling the pressure? And will I be happy if I take the other path?" The true test is to answer these questions honestly to yourself.
My answers: I never had that inner desire to have children. I love my evenings at home in solitude. I am blessed with friends and family. And the male friend "with benefits" likes the fact that our relationship is free of any of the above pressure.
I have traveled extensively. I go to Paris regularly. I have traveled with my mother, friends, a teenager, and solo. I have loving memories with these people at home as well as during my travels.
And for all those couples who see me eating dinner alone. DON'T look at me with pity. I AM IN HEAVEN!

"parisnow" - good point - I eat alone all the time, and am just used to being by myself, "with" myself. Good thing that I like myself, and I am my own favorite company! I think I would go into absolute shock if I had to dine every night with a 2 year old screaming & throwing tantrums because he didn't want to eat his peas!

As for looking forward to travel after the kids are out of the house - not for me. I am not the type to say "when I retire, when the kids are done with.., blah blah blah" My parents tried that, and my mom needed knee replacements at age 65, still has problems walking, and has never traveled far since. She had lots of dreams to go all over, but physically can't. I'll be darned if I wait until I have arthritis & am living on a fixed income to see the world. NO WAY!

The "no kids + travels a lot" lifestyle is great. I've never regretted it for a minute. You can come and go at will, don't have to answer to anyone but yourself and to anyone you _CHOOSE_ to include. Your money goes further. There are so many solo travellers now that you will not lack for company if you want it as long as you're social and not too shy.

>>What will you do when you're too old to travel any more?<<

The older (60s and 70s) single childless women I know all still travel, and to more exotic places than I do (I don't "do" jungle). Sure they have more medical issues than they did 30 years earlier, but they don't let that stop them.

In Florence last autumn we got chatting with an American couple who were on a day trip from their over-60s cruise; they were telling us about the provisions made for wheelchairs, deafness etc.

So I reckon it must be a pretty small percentage of people who end up actually unable to travel for a significant portion of their lives.

Fishee:

This site is wonderful for getting opinions about subjects you didn't originally intend. It is difficult for me to respond to your question without assessing my own decisions and laying judgment upon yours. However, since I do not know you, I will try to assess no judgments.
As for your question
"I'm asking the people who don't have kids and who also travel a lot, what has your experience been with this lifestyle?"
With no children of my own, but two adult stepsons, the travel lifestyle my wife (of 7 years) and I have led has been a mix. Our trip last year was to Paris and we took the boys with us. It was a wonderful experience for all, but it's not economically feasible for continued travel toting the water for 4.
As the two boys start their own lives and family (if they choose) my wife and I beleive that our travel will certainly be more expansive, from the economics of it alone.
Having no biological children, our travels with and without the boys has been the same for me. On our trips I have never caught myself once asking myself "I wish I had children of my own." At least not any more than when I am sitting at home or responding to your post.
I believe that if you choose to not have children, you will do so for the reasons you believe are best for yourself. Any regrets that you may have about that decision won't be affected by how you live your life after making the decision, its the decision that is important.
As for your belief that "I seem to enjoy traveling much more than my friends, family, or colleagues", it may be that those folks do enjoy to travel, but, with kids, are not financially and logistically able to do so as you are.
My advice to you is to make the decision to have children or not have children. You will have more regrets if you ponder the question so long that choosing to have children is too late.
There, I hope there were no judgments in this post. Good luck in your travels, no matter your choice on having kids.

Lorrena-- You offer the argument that -"what will you do when your (sic) to (sic) old to travel anymore". Well.....I hate to break it to you but kids come with no guarantees that they will be there for you in your old age. This argument can be turned around just as easy-- What would you do when your kids take off and go to live their lives?

I think it is great that you have three kids and seem to be a very loving Mom, but I guarantee you the day I can't travel anymore there will be plenty of other things to do. That's the only guarantee I can think of.

I suppose really this is a thread about regrets.

"I'm a little concerned I could have regrets later on and I would love to hear feedback from people who have chosen this alternative and are a bit older".

We all have a few regrets in our lives. Usually things that we didn't do and opportunities missed. However, fear of a future regret is not really a good enough reason to do anything. You have to want to do it in the here and now.

the way to avoid getting 'bitter' regrets is to remember that everything you have ever done or not done was the best decision for you at that time. (otherwise you would have done differently).

You don't want kids. Therefore that is the best decision for you at this time. You are unlikely to regret it later as long as you remember that.

Also, as someone else pointed out, even if you 'regret' something there is no guarantee that a different decision would have turned out as you imagine. Taking that opposite decision could just as easily have led to disaster as to a good result. If you later find yourself idolising the idea that you should have had kids, consider all the unhappily families, all the adult children and parents that are not talking to each other, the families who lose their children through illness or accident. Having a baby is no guarantee of a happy family life 30 years down the line.

It's impossible to predict what might have happened if you'd done something in your life differently. So regrets like that are utterly pointless.

One more thought on this: A lot of people feel guilty when they are not living up to what is expected of them. In your case, your a female and so you are expected to want kids. You feel guilty for not really wanting that path.
Do what is right for you. My DH wanted more than two kids. I felt guilty for a few years in my mid-late 30's because I didn't want anymore. I stopped thinking that way. I am a good mom to the two that I have. I would probably be a raving lunatic if I had more
But sometimes, other people can make you doubt yourself and what you want. So, my advice is to do what is best for fishee and no one else!

Hi Fishee! Thanks for your question because I'm enjoying reading this thread immensely.

My thoughts: I am 36 and my husband and I are not having children. This was decided before we were married nearly nine years ago. Every day we want children less and less, if that is even possible considering we didn't want them to begin with. What started with a mild sort of "I don't think I want kids, but feel like a weirdo about it," has turned into "Boy did we make the right decision!!!"

Now, does the fact that we saved our money (on pitiful journalist salaries, mind you) and quit our jobs and moved to Paris just because we wanted to have anything to do with us not having kids? Yes it does. Without question. We couldn't have done it financially otherwise, particularly considering we have very little income and mostly live off our savings at the moment. Space-wise, we live in less than 300 square feet. Also not so great for life with children.

And yet, we did bring our two cats, but they fit under our airplane seats and have not turned out to be much of a financial drain. ;-) But to be honest, they might like more space!

Gotta say, the lifestyle without kids is great. Everyone else we knows has them, although we have a small club of others in the same boat. I'd say all of us are travelers by nature, and a couple of us are what some call "hopper-offers," where you sort of step off what most feel is the obvious path to take in life and try something a bit more challenging or risky or just unusual. You can certainly take more financial risks without kids, it would seem.

We also enjoy buying fixer-upper properties, working on them and then selling or renting them. This real estate hobby would probably have not become as serious a hobby if we had kids. We probably wouldn't have come to Europe as much if we had kids, and we probably wouldn't have managed to buy our little apartment here in Paris 3 years ago.

I hope someday that women can make the decision not to have children and not question themselves for chosing a different lifestyle someday soon. I read today that the amount of women not having kids has doubled from 10 to 20 percent.

Perhaps I've gotten off the subject a bit, but hopefully there's something in there that speaks to your question.

I can relate to your self questioning as my wife & I went through the same process. I'm not sure whether in all honesty you're hoping for justifications or regrets from others. I didn't read any regret and rightly so since regret over something that's irreveresible is worthless or at least non productive.

Curiously, our questioning process went quite differently. As a young couple we were very happy simply enjoying our lives with each other that for years we thought we shouldn't have kids fearing how they might change our relationship/put a crimp in our life enjoyment but yet we wondered if we were simply too young to realize what we'd miss later. We asked a few childless older couples (55+)that we respected and who travelled a lot about what they thought of having no kids, the plusses & minuses etc. Unlike many posters on this thread, they all told us that, while they have no regret, they honestly would have had kids if they were to do it over.