There’s Going to Be a Taco Bell Hotel and We’re Very Excited

PHOTO: Mike Mozart/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

Do NOT break my heart.

When I heard there was a Taco Bell hotel happening within three hours’ drive of my house, I understandably lost my mind. This was my chance–finally–to stay in the hotel of my dreams (the hotel of my dreams is a Taco Bell).

We don’t know much yet about the hotel itself—Taco Bell has only released teaser-like information (and a video that literally says nothing) to the public. Here is what we know for sure:

    • Everything will be “Taco Bell themed,” including the “room decor, breakfast menu, and pool floaties shaped like hot sauce packets.”
    • There will be Taco Bell cocktails (??) and Taco Bell snacks (so… Taco Bell).
    • There will be “Taco Bell nail art in the salon” (????).
    • The hotel will only be opened for four days (!!!!).
Taco Bell / Facebook

A few things jump out at me immediately and both of them are disappointments. The first of those is that it’s only open for four days which means reservations are going to go fast. The second is that I’m not sure that anyone on this planet has ever asked for Taco Bell nail art, and I don’t like that this was one of the first promises. I hope there will be more promises (bigger ones) coming soon, but I’ve been disappointed by Taco Bell before.

Around a year ago, I attended a wedding inside of a Taco Bell on the Las Vegas strip for two people I did NOT know and didn’t even get to partake in the Mountain Dew Baja Blast toast. This, admittedly, is not completely Taco Bell’s fault because I was at a Taco Bell wedding that I wasn’t invited to. Maybe it is wrong for me to assume the worst before knowing all the information. So, I’ve created a list of baseless expectations for the new Taco Bell hotel in Palm Springs just in case Taco Bell executives are reading.

The Rooms Should Be Themed by Menu Item

Each room should be based entirely upon a Taco Bell menu item, and each floor should be a category for all of the rooms on it. For example, one floor will be the burrito floor, and the rooms will each take the theme of a different burrito: a Classic Bean Burrito Room, a Beefy 5-Layer Burrito room, a Beefy Fritos Burrito room, etc. Another floor will be taco-themed, another nacho themed–you get it. The Crunchwrap Supreme room will be a suite that takes up the entire top floor. The Value Meal floor is on the bottom level and has more affordable rooms.

Obviously, the furniture in the rooms should be shaped as the menu item, as well. A quick (and very regular) internet search of “burrito furniture” will prove that this is an entirely possible request.

The Room Decor Must Be Intricate

I am not talking about a Taco Bell poster here and there. All the linens should look like tortillas, and the robes should look like Taco Bell wrappers. Don’t tell me burrito blankets aren’t possible, I’ve seen them, and they are. Another easy possibility? Human-sized tacos. This is a perfectly reasonable request.

Also, let talk about that pool for a brief moment. I’m going to need more than pool rafts shaped as hot sauce packets.  I just paid an exorbitant amount of money to come to Palm Springs and stay inside of a Taco Bell themed building. I need more than inflatable pool accessories.

The Hotel Should Look Like a Taco Bell

This goes without saying. I don’t want to go to a hotel that just SAYS Taco Bell on it–I want Taco Bell to BE the hotel–at least from the outside.

Some of the Chairs Should Be Shaped Like Cinnabon Delights

Cinnabon Delights, the dessert at Taco Bell (and based on a treat from a DIFFERENT fast food chain), are the perfect shape for beanbag chairs. It would be silly to not take advantage of the shape of this classic treat.

If There Was a Nightly Delivery of the Food My Room Is Based On, I Wouldn’t Be Mad

I wouldn’t be upset if, each evening, there was a special delivery of the menu item that my room was based on. Most likely I have just spent time having Taco Bell themed cocktails at the Taco Bell themed pool, so a nightly delivery of my special themed menu item would definitely be appreciated.

I Want There to Be a Maze

I’m talking a Labyrinth-style, hedge maze. It would also be perfectly acceptable if this maze was constructed of hot sauce packets instead of hedges, but, regardless, I would like to have the opportunity to get lost inside of a maze on the premises of the Taco Bell hotel.

Hot Springs but Taco Bell

I don’t know how you’re going to pull this one off–I’m not an architect. But the thing is, you chose to put this hotel in Palm Springs, so you’re going to have to have SOME sort of hot springs situation going on, and it’s understandably going to have to be Taco Bell themed. I didn’t make these decisions, you did, and you gotta follow through on the promise of the premise, my friends. I don’t make the rules.

There Should Be Some Sort of Monument Onsite Dedicated to the Chalupa

The Chalupa is an intricate and special taco, as it is regular taco ingredients shoved into a strange, funnel-cake-taco-hybrid that is somehow both chewy AND crispy. Therefore, it should have a special area in the hotel (be it a whole room or a simple statue) dedicated to it. The Chalupa is the special prince of the Taco Bell menu and should be treated as such at the Taco Bell hotel.

The Salon and Gift Shop Better Be Good

They’ve already said that there’s going to be a salon with special “nail art.” But manicures aren’t enough. I’m going to need the salon to be able to style my hair to look like the menu items at Taco Bell. It can be simple. A burrito or taco would be fine. As with the individual rooms, the salon furniture should also look like menu items. Preferably they would sell shower caps that are shaped like burritos, and I know this is possible because I’ve seen it on babies.

As far as the gift shop goes, don’t you dare try to just sell me Taco Bell graphic tees–I can get those on most websites that sell shirts. Absolutely every item for sale on the Taco Bell Offical Shop should be available at the gift shop, along with more imaginative products.

I Want To Stay in the Double Decker Taco Room

Lastly, if you’re still reading Taco Bell executives, I would like to stay in the room themed after the Double Decker Taco. This article is my booking reservation. Ever since the Double Decker Taco was released into the world, I have been obsessed with it. It is both a burrito and a taco, at the same time, and the ingredients work together effortlessly. It is the perfect food. The Double Decker Taco room should not only take on the likeness of the taco itself, but the beds should also be “double-decker.” We’re talking bunk beds (but comfortable), and a loft I can get up to by ladder (it’s a big room). The decor will be a mixture of both taco and burrito. Please email me if you need any more suggestions (I will gladly draw out blueprints).