ttt pretty interesting hmmmm....

"Cover your plate" rule. Wow. Have never heard of this either.

I was raised in TX and now live in CA. I live in a southern CA small town and everyone here is very extravagant with gifts. Much of it is trying to impress the others, IMO. My OD is graduating from high school today and the nieghbors and friends generosity for this event has been overwhelming. These people just love to give nice gifts. It is wonderful. Problem is, I can't afford the same.

Back to weddings. I love to give the bride and groom something that "we" have grown to love, not live without. We love to cook, so I try to get them some cooking gadgets we can't live without, or some awesome pan they will use everyday. Not into the china, crystal, silver stuff that sits in the hutch.

More practical. I have never spent more than $75 on a gift. I have also given carving sets, or knives that we love to use. Quality stuff. But maybe on sale.

You know I think the "cover the plate" cost is just a reality check for the current cost of a wedding and therefore a wedding gift has a range of monitary propriaty. For example, to host a wedding in the Northeast is generally an average of about $15,000 so to give a gift with a value of $15 would seem way out of line. Given the fact that a half gallon of milk now cost almost $3.50. My point is, times have changed and costs have risen so naturally a gift should reflect that as well.

For a close family member, close niece, nephew, etc. I would spend $100 to $200. Child of a friend, distant relative (cousins etc.) $50-$75.

I would really hope to find something unique as a gift, something the couple would be proud to own but may not think to purchase or spend their money on. A monogramed sterling silver laddle or a set of sterling candlesticks would usually fill the bill. Of course, the registry can be the biggest help when deciding which way to go, however, always try to jump on that asap as the gifts get purchased quickly and you may only be able to choose from the $$$$$ expensive items.

Starr, did your Southern grandmothers also insist on thank you notes? CMC's post made me think of that.

Even though my parents are Midwesterners, it got drilled into me soon after we arrived in Georgia. At just about every shower I went to growing up, there was a young lady posted by the bride to write down what the bride received and who gave it. I did it for my sister at her showers.

I started writing my thank you notes for gifts the evening after my first bridal shower because I knew if I didn't, they would never get done. My husband couldn't figure out why I was so pleased that I had them all done within a month after my wedding. Felt like a personal triumph!

This is a fascinating thread. Another variable I suspect is at play...generational differences.

starrsville,

I'm an Alabamian, and my grandmother or mother would turn over in their graves if they ever thought I gave money as a wedding gift!
In our part of the south, wedding receptions are most often cocktail buffet types of affairs, with plenty of food.

I'd be willing to bet that nobody in our town has ever heard of the "cover your plate" rule. I really had no idea what that meant!

Gifts here are:

For family and close friends: Preferably a place setting in chosen sterling pattern, or if the bride has inherited silver, place setting or serving pieces in her "good" china.

For others:
Chosen items from local gift shops.

When our daughter married several years ago, the only cash they received was from an elderly house-bound relative.

This is all so interesting...you learn something new everyday!

As a regular ol' middle class person, I couldn't imagine spending more than $100 on a wedding gift. I'd go broke.

altswan, my mother also insisted on hand written thank you notes and I got started on them right away after showers so that I wouldn't be bogged down by the wedding. She made me also send them out for graduation gifts and told me that if I didn't, none of those same friends and family would be buying me a wedding gift.

It's a habit my southern mother got me into early on and I'm glad she did because it's still a habit to this day. In this day of modern communication I can understand electronic thank you's and I'm not offended by them at all. However, handwritten notes of acknlowedgement for gifts of special favors is still such a nice touch.

atlswan, I wrote and then backed out of a post regarding Thank You notes. YES! Thank you notes are required and we were not allowed to use a birthday gift until the Thank You note had been written and addressed. (Mom would stamp and mail the envelope). It trained us well - and I do treasure the Thank You notes from kids in the extended family and have saved them through the years.

Here's what I didn't post before -

In perhaps an unnecessary attempt to prove that I am not a lousy wedding gift-giver (evidently just a Southerner , here's the latest thank you note -

Dear Starrsville,
Groom and I are still in awe over the Tiffany & Co. vase. It is absolutely beautiful! It was even a treat jus opening the package. They really had it fixed to the T! I is definitely one of our favorite girsts. We are so happy that you got to come to our wedding. It meant a lot.
Love,
Bride & Groom

Is this another custom thing? We rarely take wedding gifts on the wedding day but send or have them sent to the bride before the wedding (actually shortly after the invitation is sent).

That strange word was supposed to be "gifts" - not a wild version of grits!

Good job, atlswan! Glad to know the thank yous are not hopelessly lost.

We have always operateed under the cover your plate rule - since my friends first started getting married - like 25 years ago. (An
nd previous my mother had used it for family etc.)

In this area that usualy means that a couple should give a gift in the $200 minimum area - more for a very close relative - less for the child of a not so close friend (in which case we often don't bother to go).

Whenever possible we just order something from wherever the couple is registered - unless we know them well enough to pick out something special.

bogger, I hate to appear dense (or just a dumb ole Southerner) but I repeat....

I do not see ANY correlation between where the bride and groom choose to have their wedding ceremony and/or reception and the dollar amount I choose to spend on a gift that celebrates their wedding and union as one.

What on God's Green Earth does one thing have to do with another?!?!?

If you choose to have a fancy schmansy wedding you "deserve" a fancier gift than if you choose to get married barefoot in the backyard?!?!?!?

That's poppycock. Maybe cultural poppycock, but poppycock!

What are we celebrating here - the wedding event or someone's deep pockets - or not-to-deep pockets if someone expects me to "cover my plate"? I'm with the earlier poster. If the price of my attendance at a wedding is the catering charge for me and my guest, I respectfully decline. If you want me there to celebrate your union, I'm there "with bells on" - and a gift will have already been sent to the bride.

I'll shut up now.

Atlswan, I have a lot I'd like to say regarding your post (all supportive) but have already posted too much on this thread. Are you at all interested in meeting me and another Fodorite for lunch tomorrow in the Alpharetta area around 1:15 or so?

In New England, cash gifts are often brought to the wedding; gift items are usually sent before. Most people give cash, $50-$100, but a close friend or relative probably most often gives a gift. Registry items are usually given at showers. "Cover your plate" generally applies, and Thank You notes are a MUST.

I wonder if the casual, outdoor wedding stems from the better weather down south. Northerners almost always book restaurants, and the caliber has increased along with everything else, as the "keeping up with the Joneses" disease spreads.

I loved the old thread about doing a budget wedding. Someone's daughter gave the best advice: Don't even start looking at the Bride magazines!

Oh - I think Girl's comment about the questionable food was meant to indicate that she is not sure if a dinner is being served.

I think she is going to have to bring a gift of about $30-$40; then no one really knows what amount she spent, and she does it in southern style.

"cultural poppycock"? Is that a dig on my comment, starrsville. I suggest you consider it geographical/regional poppycock then.

Starr, that's so nice! I really would like to do that. Alas, I work near Tech campus and just getting up to Alpharetta (one of my many roosting spots over the years) would take up my lunch hour entirely.

However, I'm leaving my job in August (been supporting hubby through law school, now it's his turn!) and will have ample time then for such a nice occasion. Maybe then?

Thanks for bein' sweet as tea. ;-)

Sorry for jumping back in but want to assure seetheworld that "poppycock" didn't apply to her - or anyone else.

Just my grandmother's voice (and word) popping out of me!

I used "cultural differences" in my post to the budget wedding thread. My words - and I promise no dig to anyone who has posted. I've really enjoyed this thread - just have absorbed all I can without saying too much - at least without continuing to "open mouth, insert foot"!

Starrsville, let's just elminate the problem of weddings by just suggesting everyone cohabitat! Oh, just kidding...that might just open up a whole other can of worms

Starrsville: I meant to add earlier that I think it is a great idea to give the gift before the wedding. I appreciated the early gifts so much as I was able to immediately write the thank you note. I worried about gifts being separated from cards after the wedding and then accidentally missing a thank you note.