I have an approach similar to Starrsville's mother: I often buy a quality stainless tray and have the couple's names/date engraved. Size of tray depends on how well I know them. It's my meager attempt at stopping the couple from dumping my gift in a garage sale.

My own wedding was far less lavish and more practical than most, and gifts were in accordance with finances and relationships. Best gift was probably the nice picnic basket and accessories. Will mention, though, that one of my really close girlfriends gave us an $8 set of candlesticks. But I still have them!

Weirdest thing I've seen in a Target registry was a DVD of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." (I'm not kidding!)

Have noticed that where I live, champagne bottles decorated with much ribbon are popular for second-time around couples.

No, kurriff! I've never heard of the "cover the plate" rule before this thread. I've NEVER given a cash gift and never given a gift in the hundreds to anyone - even in the family. I've helped out "behind the scenes" financially, but feel it inappropriate to give a $300 - $500 gift. A friend's wealthy brother paid off the reception for a friend's daughter at the Mansion at Turtle Creek in Dallas - but again it was behind the scenes.

My siblings and I hosted a 50th anniversay reception for our parents. We knew there may be a problem with dividing the costs. Three of us approached the fourth and shared the amount we could afford and wrote a check for that amount to my SIL. We gave her the go-ahead to add to our amount and order anything she wanted from the caterer. It was a good solution for all - and I have no idea how much she spent. The reception was lovely and was hosted by "all of us".

Wow. I am just floored that folks spend hundreds of dollars in wedding gifts - especially if the rationale is to "cover the plate". It truly IS a different wedding world out there - and I had no idea before today!

In regards to the comments on buying a gift from the bridal registry...when we got married, we received practically everything we had registered for at our bridal showers. I had three. Two smallish ones--my side of the family, work friends--and one larger--60+ from my husband's side. I'm not a fan of big showers, but my DH's mother is Italian and that's how they do things. So for our wedding, the only gifts left were the more expensive items, like china and a breadmaker and the like. We received those from close friends, but cash from most others. I personally love giving and receiving gifts opposed to money, but most people we know go the cash route.

I agree with Statia that having your loved ones celebrate with you is more important than any gift. Of course it's wonderful to receive a gift, especially one that comes from the heart, not the pocketbook. My two favorite wedding gifts...my dearest friend since we were 14 cross stitched a beautiful alphabet sampler with a house and our names and many other details. It took her several months and then she framed it herself. It's hung in my living room for the past 10 years. My mother's best friend made our wedding cakes--seven cakes, each a different flavor and filling, placed in a tier with flowers between each cakes. It was amazing! Those are the kind of gifts you never forget. But as a young couple when we married who had just bought our first home, had not lived on our own (except for in college), and had only begun to furnish our home with the bare minimums, we truly appreciated each and every gift.

"That being said, when we got married last year (semiformal, not in a hotel), there was a big difference in the gifts from the Northerners v. Southerners. Don't get mad at what I will say next, but we noticed that the Northerners, as a rule, were MUCH more generous and and almost always gave cash. The Southerners gave more modest gifts from the registry."

I guess what I'd like to know is what this is supposed to mean. Why did you feel that you needed to mention this?

Forgive me, but it does make me a little mad.

I do believe the poster meant there are differences in gift giving customs but did not mean to offend.

On the mad note and a sideline-why slam Smith College? As the proud mother of a Smithie I am offended.
That said, ahem, I had not heard of cover the plate either, but I have found significant differences between the left and right coasts....

It didn't offend me, atlswan. That comment was one of the most straightforward on this thread and helped ME understand the difference in approaches.

Okay, here's what my SOUTHERN grandmothers would say.

1 - Cash gift? NEVER - unless it someone is paying for something behind the scenes but very few people will ever know about it and a gift is given as the official present. Cash is crass (according to my Southern grandmothers).

2 - What to give?
First choice - something heirloom or with personal meaning
Second choice - something off the registry - preferably the china, crystal or silver so the place settings for 12 can be completed as soon as possible
Third choice - another item the giver considers appropriate

3 - How much to spend?
Wedding or reception location has NOTHING to do with the decision

With a bit of thought today, this is what I would consider "normal"
Closest connection - $100 - $150
Friend or mothers' close friend - $75 - $100
Church/ community/ work contact - $50
Neighbors daughter - $25 - $40

My signature gift from Tiffany's - $115 with shipping

Egads, OWJ! What will you think of me now!

I don't mean to act defensive. But the "MUCH more generous" part bothered me because it implies (to me alone) that Southerners are lousy gift givers at weddings.

What if I were to give a trip report that said, "I noticed that many of the New Yorkers I came in contact with were MUCH more rude than any of the people I met in Chicago"? That would arouse a lot of comments, would it not?

I just don't see why it was necessary to say it.

Starrsville, as far as "normal" goes, is that per person or per couple attending a wedding?

Knowing OWJ as well as I do I know that she did not mean to offend anyone, she was merely sharing her experiences regarding the difference in customs regarding the north and the south. And she also said one should spend what they are comfortable with and at times she has felt pressured to spend more than she comfortably can on her teachers salary.

OWJ is one of the finest and well mannered lady's you could ever meet. She is also kind and generous. I know she doesn't need me to defend her but I just felt like I needed to respond. Thanks.

LoveItaly, I appreciate what you said. Honestly, I need to take a chill pill today.

I think my reaction is a symptom of something else that I feel conerning this site. And OWJ has nothing to do with it.

To be honest, there are times when I post and read posts here that make me feel that in comparison to many here, I make a lot less money and am not a very seasoned traveler. I've never stayed at a Ritz Carlton or gone to Paris. I don't eat at fancy restaurants. Add to that the fact that I live in Atlanta, a city many people consider a joke.

The truth is that I control how I feel and I need to get over myself.

My apologies, OWJ. You were just being honest about your experience.

On a related topic, what if you have to travel to attend the wedding? Should you give less than you would if the same people were getting married close by? My husband and I am attending a wedding in Richmond (we're from NY) and between hotel and airfare we are spending $650 for the weekend. To further complicate matters, the bride (fiance couldn't come) attended my wedding in October '03. Normally, assuming fairly equal financial positions, I tend to match what the other person gave as a gift so as not to "outdo" them or make them feel they gave too little (or too much for that matter).

"why slam Smith College?"

My sister went there for a semester, before she realized how unhappy she was and transferred to Dook (I don't approve of that decision either).

No offense to Smithies...it is a good academic school but I'm only being painfully honest. For a guy looking to find attractive women a northeast women's liberal arts college is the last place to look. A big state SEC or ACC school is the best place (aside from Dook).

What has interested me most in the last few years...well, more accurately it has infuriated me most, is the failure to thank the giver. I give carefully chosen gifts to the couple, my southern grandmothers would haunt me if I gave cash, usually spending quite a bit of time selecting something from their registry and having it gift wrapped. In about 75% of the cases I never receive a thank you. That is especially annoying when it was a gift I have had mailed. I don't even know if they got it. In about 35% of the cases, I get an emailed acknowledgement. It is the simple polite thank you note which I miss so much. I guess I can bury my expectations of that right next to the RSVPs which never come.....don't even get me started on that......

Well, we are getting married here in NYC in about 6 weeks. Small wedding in a restaurant but still the cost has been OUTRAGEOUS. We are "older" and paid for this wedding ourselves without any help from parents -- not that we need it, thank god. We put this together as we wanted because *we* wanted to make it special for us and those close to us. NEVER did it cross our minds that we *expect* to make money on this. We hope that people will be generous with their TIME as some will need to travel from as far as Tokyo and Chile and Spain. It we get that much, I will be the happiest person in the world. We noted to our guests that monies received at the wedding will go towards the Susan G. Komen Foundation (breast cancer research). We are lucky that we can do that but I think it makes so much more meaningful.

I have heard of the "cover your plate rule" and used to try to adhere to it in my younger days. Now, I simply do not care what a couple has planned.

For me, location has no bearing on the amount that I spend. It depends on the relationship I have with the couple and what I can afford at the time. Oh, and I always give cash at weddings. (But always give gifts at showers) I just hate bothering with schlepping around a huge box (why are wedding gifts never small?!?!?) from home to church to reception. A nice, neat, small envelope that fits in my purse works well for me.

Plus, at least here in So Cal, we have many cultures where giving an actual gift is considered extremely bad taste. (specifically Vietnamese and Armenian) In Vietnamese culture it is expected to slip the bride or groom an envelope when they visit your table. In Armenian culture there is a box placed discretely in the reception area for envelopes to be placed in.

This is a VERY interesting thread. Having lived in Chicago and several places throughout the Midwest, customs vary widely everywhere. The first ethnic Chicago wedding I attended was a real eye opener. I didn get the "message" that only family showed up to the church service. Where I grew up, if you didn't go to the service you didn't go to the reception. I also grew up with giving "gifts" not cash, and the Polish bride was offended by the box I had brought containing an expensive (at least for me) silver tray. When I witnessed my first apron dance, where men stuff cash in the bride's apron pockets in order to dance with her, I realized there is a history behind exotic lap dances. My DH and I have been married 22 years and we entertain quite a bit. To this day, whenever I take out a tray or candlesticks or wedding gift, I think about the people who were so generous to us when we got married and the momentoes we have. Especially since some of them are no longer around. Personally, I think a well chosen gift is the nicest. If you want to be politically correct, poll several other friends/neighbors, but do what you feel in your heart is right.

Well, I wasn't offended but was interested to learn today that according to the above posts I, as a Southerner, AM a lousy gift-giver at weddings based on apparent Northern norms!

Good thing my friends and family love me I guess! But, I also fit in the norm of my community and heritage.

Seetheworld, at 8 am this morning I would have absolutely NO idea why someone would ask that question. Which, is why I drew a blank when the OP shared that the reception would be in a backyard with questionable food. This morning I had no idea why that would be considered relevant in any way, shape or form. In asking, are you applying the unspoken "cover the plate" rule?

I will share that I was completely aghast at the wedding reception at the Presidio in SF (sit down dinner for 250) when guests started pinning money on my friend's wedding dress during what I learned was the money dance. I was sooooo embarrassed for the first guests that approached the bride and probably was a sight to see while I watched. I had no idea it was an Italian tradition - and the wedding couple were thrilled at the loot they accumulated for their honeymoon trip - but I was completely floored! This thread has continued to open my eyes!

DH and I are coming up on two years next week and have recently attended many friends' weddings. We live in Virginia so we're Southerners. My opinion is rather long because I so vividly remember how much we appreciated cash and registry gifts.

First, we could have cared less about the amount spent; our friends who are married feel the same. We were mostly amazed by the generosity of our guests and, frankly, a bit embarassed by it--especially people who were invited as friends of our parents.

Any complaints I have heard about "cheap" gifts usually pertain to relatives or close friends who are thought to have money---sad, huh? But I have never heard anyone complain about a non-relative or non-close friend's gift; there is probably no expectation as to what you'll spend on your friend's daughter (and if there is, are you really that concerned about living up to it?).

Second, try to give from the registry or give cash/gift card. I returned almost everything that was not off the registry unless it was sentimental. I returned things that didn't match, didn't suit and duplicative gifts. It's not that I didn't appreciate the time and thought of the gift but I don't like to have things sitting around unused, what a waste.

If you MUST avoid the registry, at least take a look at it (many are online) and get an idea of their taste and decorating scheme. We didn't register for any china or crystal --not our taste or needs -- so those lovely and beautiful and expensive gifts were either sold or returned.

Give something the couple would enjoy, the registry is a big clue and if it's off the registry you know it's appreciated no matter the cost--after all, they asked for it!

Have fun at the wedding.

No, starrsville, I wasn't think about the "cover the plate" rule when I posted my question-- I actually hate that rule, but at times felt obligated to cover my plate. I have just stopped going to those weddings -- if you feel obligated, then there isn't really the special connection attached to the couple that there should be.

Anyway, your numbers to me as a northerner, seem good per person.

I have a wedding to attend in July of the daughter of my dearest friend. I most likely will add to her china (still expensive) not because I feel obligated, but because I love both her and her future husband.

I have also learned so much by reading this thread -- cultural and geographical differences should not be offensive, but enlightening.