When we lived in HAwaii we had a charming separate guest house far removed from the main house and we hosted hordes our friends multiple times (it was a B&B when not being used gratis by family and friends.) It was a very comfortable situation for all....luxury, privacy, beautiful surroundings; above and beyond the normal guest expecations (and free, of course!)

Now we live in a very small 100 year old bungalow. It is located in a desirable area but we cannot comfortably accommodate houseguests. There would be zero privacy and I, personally, would go crazy LOL. So I have never offered to host visiting out-of-towners. But several people have not quite comprehended my polite refusals ("we cannot comfortably accommodate you, a hotel will have to suffice") and insist upon staying here ( "we won't bother you"
or "we can sleep on the floor.") I am aghast. Does anybody have any similar tales or advice?!?!? I have declined a wanna-be houseguest couple several times for next month and they are not taking the hint, still being insistent about staying here.

P.S.

Let me add this: We always stay in a hotel or VRBO when we are out-of-town and have never been anybody's housegests (except at our own mom's houses!)

So if they don't get your hints, ask them to bring Cheney along for a hunting session

Seriously, if they don't get it, tell them it's not their privacy which worries you, it's yours!! What have you got to lose? Their friendship?

There is no way they can insist on staying there if you don't let them in. I guess it's not a possibility to hide when they arrive at your door. . .

It is the hieght of rudenes for these guests to invite themselves. You will just have to be firm and say it's not possible. Give them a list of local places within their price range--although from what you say, their price range is "free."

height of rudeness

Vivi,

Your place in Hawaii sounds absolutely dreamy! I guess if you live in such a fabulous place friends/relatives want to visit.

Stick to your guns! People will have to understand your new arrangement. Just don't leave any room But for "negotiation". I would say, " We just dont have the room any more. Really! But There is a cute B&B down the road. We can get together for dinner and sight-seeing though."

Good Luck!!

I meant to say don't leave any room for negotiation.

Sounds like these people should stay home and take a class on manners instead of traveling. I would flat out tell them they are being rude for insisting on staying there after you suggested otherwise. So what if you hurt their feelings - it might do them some good!

We have a vacation home in a very popular location [see, I'm so paranoid about people inviting themselves, that my natural instinct is to not even say where it is!]. We invite some friends and lots of family to use it "when we're not there." We go more now that I'm retired, but even with that, when we go it is our special immediate family time. Our teen sons will often bring friends and our adult children will bring sig others. But that's it. And, just to be helpful, it is located in a place like Hawaii where friends and family could easily keep it filled year round.

One time we got an email from friends that we see about once a year, saying they were coming a certain date which also happened to be a time our family would be there. I emailed back that the family would be there then, and asked if they could make it another time.

They emailed again that this was not a problem for them, besides they had already bought the airline tickets. Now mind you, all our friends already knew and respected our policy. I was livid, and my wife was stunned. What a horrible position they'd put us in. I picked up the phone and called before even thinking it through. I told them I was very sorry, but that was one rule we'd always had and intended to keep - that the family didn't "share" our vacation time there, and we'd be happy to help them find other lodging, but we just could not accommodate them. Well, to make a long story short, we recently saw them at a funeral, 12 years later, and they apologized and said they realized since they now had several children, how important and rare it is to get the whole family together.

Vivi, I don't regret it, and had I thought it through, I may have acted differently. Thankfully in this case I didn't. You have to decide what's best for you. It is after all, your HOME! Good luck!

There was a long thread on this subject not too long ago and lots of rather silly argument. If you don't enjoy or want them in the space you have, you can tell them that in a definitive way. You don't have to sound annoyed or offended, just definitive, absolute/final and with little defensive reasons given.

You don't have to have lousy manners, nor be nervously defensive about the denial, just because they do.

I too have people ask themselves to a home I have, just because they have come before. And I think that very few people who "assume" realize the work involved for the host.

If you really were as firm, direct and polite as you seemed to be, then these must be the rudest people in the world.

Perhaps in response to the "we won't bother you" you can say something like "Perhaps you have forgotten that we have moved and there is not even space enough for us much less guests" - but that really shouldn't be necessary.

You might also have a list of nearby accomodations in a variety of price ranges and offer to make a reservation for them with their credit card.

Do you want to see these people at all when they are there? If not, we could have fun creating an open season on snappy come-backs for comments from these people.

To me the best strategy for dealing w/a situation like this is an ancient technique from the self-help assertiveness training movement of the 70's. It is called the "broken record technique"--shows how old it is, as no one even has records anymore!! You just keep saying the same thing over and over again, no matter what they say. You do *not* respond to the points they are making. For example, in this case you just endlessly say, "I am so sorry, but it will just not work for you to stay here". Do not vary from your chosen scripted response, no matter what they say. Eventually, the topic and their protestations must die.

"they are not taking the hint, still being insistent about staying here." vivi, they don't get to insist! They're not in a position to dictate to you. Say "sorry, but we can't accommodate you." Don't explain why and repeat as necessary.

When I was a kid, we lived in a small town that was overrun with tourists in the summer. We had nonstop houseguests (my poor mother cooked and cleaned and laundered constantly) until the day a woman we'd never seen before showed up at our doorstep, luggage in hand. She was the former co-worker of a relative and believed that that entitled her to a weekend stay! That was the last d*@! straw. Mother politely told her to find a hotel and from that day forward, she told people, "sorry, but we can't accommodate you."

Stick to your guns. Good luck!

Hi vivi, I use to have houses that all had a private guest quarter within the various houses I owned so various family members and friends were use to coming and staying with us.

I now live in an apartment. I have invited house guest twice, one couple was family, the other two very close friends from Italy.

Having said that..I can assure you if someone, anyone, called me and invited themselves to stay with me I would just tell them there simply is not any room and as others have suggested I would give them a choice of lodgins they could reserve in the area.

No one can take advantage of you unless you let them.

Just a thought..after all the free accomodations you have given various people over the years when you were in Hawaii these people all ought to get together and give you two a lovely get-a-away as a thank you for all your past hospitality,lol. I know that isn't going to happen though!

Anyway, do not feel guilty, stressed or unhospitable.

Regarding the couple that has been "nagging" you..just be blunt and tell them "I guess you do NOT understand, we do NOT run a B&B anymore". If you lose their friendship, well it really wasn't, was it? Best regards.

socialworker, I just love you! I've heard that advice from you on the board before - but I'm so glad to read it again.

I invited someone up to the mountain place recently. A couple of weeks later, I received a call asking if I would be up there the next weekend. I stalled...and asked why. The person said "Oh, I'd like to use it if you aren't going to be up there." Totally shocked. An offer was never extended. I can't imagine asking someone that.

Invite them over...First night,cook them a nice dinner...
Then after they are done let your dogs and/or cats lick the plates clean and then put them right back in the cupboard!

They will not return and they will probably tell other future mooching friends.
I used it on Faina and she hasn't been over since.

"I'm sorry, but we just don't have room for guests. I'd be happy to help you find a reasonably priced motel."

I think the key is, don't hint and don't leave them room to misinterprety things: just politely say it.

Kal,
You are the BEST!!!

North Georgia mountain home, huh, Starrsville? Maybe we could cut a deal! LOL

Works for me, SB!