Thanks, Pepper ! Would love to have gone to your wedding!
And thanks to everyone else for this thoughtful thread! Seems to me everyone here has made some good points, but I do have to say, Ziana, couldn't you look at some of those gifts you'll never use with at least some affection and memories of your special day?

No

I belong to one of those cultural groups for whom a wedding, usually large, and reception is the norm. We are a culture of big families and extended community relations that JJ5 was talking about even though I probably live 1,000 miles from her and it's a different culture than in her neck of the woods
When you are invited to a wedding here, usually it is someone you love, you've grown up with, probably gone to school for a number of years with. Otherwise, it's a relative, close or not so close, it's a relative just the same so we do have alot of weddings every year. Everyone is happy FOR you, MOST people enjoy the weddings because they are good parties and the people like each other. And the gifts are to give the new couple a boost in their new lives. You want them to do well and to start life together right, so money is a popular gift, as are things off the registry. If you can, you give more, if you can't, you give what you can. But you give the gift for the couple, for the couple's benefit. Sure, we are all happy for the couple - who isn't happy when people you care about find someone they love and with whome they will share their life with, but our wishes aren't going to help them set up their new home, help them pay for their honeymoon, or for a down payment on a house. That's what a gift is for. And, if you can't give a gift, it doesn't matter because family relations, and life relations are important to us.

Now, let's not talk about the people who come to a wedding uninvited (like adult children of my boss) because they figure it is a good party, free booze, and dinner. And all I got was a lousy kitchen rug

amcc, have a hug...you figured it all out as I would have, thanks.

I can't resist this thread lol.
Frankie- you sound very generous. It sounds to me like this family is important to you and has been good to you. I think you got the right idea about this. $250.00 sounds like a very nice gift! I know if a family had been good to me I would do the same thing as you and be as generous as I could. Kind of like passing on the torch of kindness and generosity. It sounds like in your own way this would also be a thank you for the help you have received in the past from the parents. I can't think of a better way to do this. It's a win win situation for all of you.
Enjoy!
Annika

From other folks in other forums:

\\Money is always a good gift.. $300 sounds like a good amount especially if it's family. I agree with Linda116622, Yound couples usually do need money when the start off...


I think $300 is a good amount, especially since it is her niece. Most young couples I would say need $$ more than wine - If it were an old couple, they might need the wine more LOL.


I always give $$$, at least $50 per invited guest. So for 4 invited guests, at least $200. I got married in August, it was my 2nd marriage, I could have cared less what people gave, most people gave either $50 or $100 per couple. I have some friends without alot of $$$, I got some really pretty picture frames, a great personalized photo album....Mostly $$$, but that could be a northeast (boston).


have found that proper gifting is regional. In my area everyone gives a check, but in other parts of the country, money is considered tacky or thoughtless.

I just got married in Dallas in October 2005. About 80% of our guests had to fly to attend our wedding (and pay for their hotels). Honestly, having our guests making all the way to Dallas was the best gift. DH & I really didn't care if they gave us nothing or $500 worth of gifts/check/cash. It's not like we'll judge our friends differently depending on how much they gave us.

My best friends got married 6 years ago. I was their only witness at the city hall at the JP office, and I was the maid of honor at their wedding a few months later. What did I get them? A ceramic picture frame which I painted (from one of those paint-your-own pottery place). It cost about $25 or so. That's all I gave them. To this day, we're still best friends.

You can't judge your friends and family by how much they give you. (At least I don't.)

About 15 years ago I belonged to a quilting bee of 12 members. We met twice a month and rotated the location at each member's home. One of the members was planning her wedding. The bride to be's parents were deceased, so she, her sisters, and the groom to be and his parents were paying for the wedding. There were probably going to be about 60 guests and the reception was being held at a Kiwanis or Lion's Club hall (the future father-in-law was a member).

I casually knew the bride to be and my only contact with her was through the quilting bee. I had never met the groom to be. Lo and behold, I received an invitation to the wedding. The invitation came with a handwritten note from the bride to be. It said that if I wanted to bring a guest (my husband) to accompany me to the wedding that I should enclose a check for $50 to cover his plate.

I found this to be particularly odd and offensive, so I called another member from the quilting bee. She also received the same note. I subsequently found out that all of the members of the quilting bee received a wedding invitation with the same note. None of us attended the wedding. We did, however, give a gift. At the last meeting the bride to be attended, we gave her an envelope with the unused postage stamps that were affixed to the response cards. She never returned to the quilting bee.

Me too! I've had one through a business acquaintance connection, that "invited" me to attend a wedding lunch and asked me to "donate" to a bank account #'s (listed) for the honeymoon, in lieu of any gifts. Declined, and didn't even send a gift to that one.

sojourn - loved your story. What's happened to tact and etiquette these days?

This bride should have known better, she was in her mid 30s at the time. My relationship with her was so casual that I never understood why I received the invitation in the first place. Had that stupid note not been included, I might have felt obligated to attend if the other members of the quilting bee were going.

I do recall that our little group had purchased a number of items for her for a shower gift which we had intended to give her at the quilting bee. I did buy her a Martha Stewart cookbook for about $25, but I subsequently gave it to my Mom. Luckily, she did want that cookbook and continues to use it.

How about we start a new tradition: No gifts are given at the time of the wedding, but rather on the 10th anniversary.

The 10-year point is about when all of the stuff you have wears out and you could use new AND only those who actually stay married would get gifts.

One thing that is much more common in invitations is the inclusion of registry information. I think this is really tacky- people always find out where a couple is registered.

Putting it on the invite always struck me as a note so subtle note.

soujourn, I guess one should never be surprised by anything.

I have been to wedding or baby showers where each guest is given an envelope and asked to write their name and address on it so that the honoree can get their thank you notes out "quicker".

But of course guess that beats giving a lovely present (shower or wedding) and not ever receiving a thank you note.

I always like to give Italian Ceramics - but I'm biased! ;-)

I've never failed to get oohs and ahhs with a large hand-painted bowl even before I started importing them myself.

Hi SFImporter, Italian Ceramics are beautiful and am sure everyone that receives one from you are thrilled. Wish you had my address!!

Thanks, LoveItaly and cali. Both such kind responses!

LoveItaly, your story about the widowed Italian lady brought tears to my eyes! How touching.

Now that I think on it, my best friend of 14 years didn't give me a wedding gift. She was my maid of honor and put enormous effort in coordinating my shower/ bachelorette party and bought the dress she wore in the wedding, gave me lots of emotional support... what more could I ever ask for!

My husband and I agree that it was the best day of our lives-- because of all of the people we love being there with us having a good time.

Hi lynnejoel, thinking back on those wineglasses and the beautiful wedding wishes brought tears to my eyes too. It is not the money spent is it, it is the thought behind the present.

And lynnejoel, some years later when our daughter was about four years old this lovely Italian lady gave my daughter a special Christmas present. It was a purple toothbrush! Unusual colored toothbrushes were unheard of than. My daughter remembers that purple toothbrush to this day. Other times she gave my daughter little Barbrie doll outfits she had sewn..again my daughter remembers all of those outfits.

Very sweet and special memories.

What a sweetie!!

The entire thing with non-cash gifts is that you put yourself in the place of the receiver, not yourself. That's the essence, and IMHO many givers do just the opposite.

I've seen couples get card table sets or large items that they immediately have to discard/sell/or give away because they are shipping out or have no possible way to keep them.

mah 1980, if they didn't put their registries on the invitation I would have no idea where to start. In my area we have at least 5 to 10 places where you can register. And now with Field's going, I don't know if the girls are going to go into the Pier One, Krate & Barrel direction or to the Target or Carson (totally different) ends direction. And there are many others as well.

We had one shower just recently that a bunch of women got a little hot over because it was so hard to find the registries and she did list them, but there were 4 and one was scanty and filled. People don't have eons of time to shop for the right thing anymore in my circle, actually we never did, yet we all do want to get something that the couple can really use and is appropriate for their situation. We KNOW the people and their lifestyles, we don't KNOW the stores. I can't imagine where we would start if we didn't have the registries on the invitation here.

The bride would end up getting 3 toasters or 5 coffee makers.

And to be fair, I can think of 3 or 4 young (25-30) married women that have given or sold or returned almost all their wedding shower gifts. One I do know well, does think it all is junk, but would never say it out loud. Rude maybe, but I do admire what the true feeling is when it is expressed. Otherwise how can traditions change to become real giving or practical to the times. I think these girls' lifestyles are not going onto the home/cooking/house tracts. Maybe that's why the Italian ceramic bowl etc. or art has become so popular. It doesn't just translate into traditional homemaking use, but also into multi-use or decore.

Having been the receprient of three deceased womens' kitchen goods in the last 10 years and having an entire basement filled- which is only 1/4 th filled now, I do have a different perspective. One kept many, many things that she never took out of the box or ever used. She just didn't want them but felt too "funny" to dispose of them because they were gifts.

The others had enough for 4 families and did use some of it, but it became a burden. Both felt that feelings got hurt when they disposed of gifts, and in one case they did. So to imply all gifts can become cherished memories is not quite on track either. And the girls of today don't seem to connect "things" that way as much anymore, regardless. That is only my opinion but I do work and live with 20-25 year olds constantly, which most of you don't.

That's one of the reasons I think money now is a better gift than ever. Just the $$$$ housing market alone completely changes the realistic picture of starting a couples' life.