"new roommate (major party girl and lush), coming and going 24/7 in the dorms (room is by the elevator), big party school (UCSB), only one person from high school who is at the same school."

Heavens-These are the 4 reasons you give as to why your daughter feels like she doesn't fit in and UCSB isn't for her. Only 1 of those is UCSB specific (the big party school). The first two could and will change with a different housing situation (new roommate and something not by an elevator). And I'm sure the last reason (1 person from H.S) will become irrelevant as she meets more people.

To me, it doesn't sound like she's given the school much of a chance, and she's unhappy primarily because it's "different" than living at home and going to high school. I really think she'd be best off sticking it out for at least the first year, and maybe even two before deciding to transfer. At that point, she can determine if the school is the real problem, or if the other (changeable) factors are the reason for her unhappiness.

Miller-
Tech 88-93 (5 year plan!)/NUF/Phi Mu.
Go Hokies!

Hi all. I can't thank you enough for the time and care that you put into your posts. They have all been very helpful to us.

We are still in the holding pattern. We are trying to "hold" her in the quality school, she is trying to "hold" on to the safety and comfort of the past, or high school, IMO. We feel that, for some unknown reason, even unknown to her, she is afraid to "let go" of what she is familiar with in her life.

We drove up there last Monday and I was dialing help to the school to arrange a meeting with a counselor. Since they offer the services, and since my feeling is that the school doesn't want to lose a full paying student, they might want to help us out with this dilemma.

They arranged something right away. We met with the counselor, all three of us and had a good meeting, just stating the problems, not really time to solve. Now it is up to our girl to follow up, also with career counseling and placement questionaires. So, that eased our mind that they wanted to help and dived in immediately to assist.

She still wants to leave. We are trying to "buy" more time in hopes that she will see what she is throwing away. But, who knows. We are just doing all we can, short of forcing her to stay.

The interesting thing is that we can already see a change in her. She is growing and "slowly" becoming a "college" girl. She is going through the process and learning a lot along the way. So, maybe a little more time will turn things around. But ultimately, we feel that the final choice is hers, bc we don't want to "force" it on her.

Thanks for your conceerns and I will keep you posted. We have until mid Dec and time is going fast...

Best wishes to you Heavens and your daughter. Having been through the same problem I really can relate as to how you must be feeling. Thanks for reporting back. I sincerely hope whatever decisions are made that they are for the best. Don't forget to take good care of yourself while you got through this stressful problem.

My daughter has been happy as a clam up until this week, but a bad grade on a chem mid-term, really cold rain, a problem with her knees and her NCAA registration have all plunged her into a funk.

WE had a long talk about time management, setting priorities, and seeking out help from teachers and she seems better today. Luckily, she loves her school and her dorm, otherwise I'm sure it would be a lot harder to resolve.

Some random comments: 1. separating some of the problems out seems a good idea. Would fixing the roommate situation make it a lot or only a little easier? Surely there are other kids in her situation -- she just hasn't found them. 2. transferring isn't as bad an idea as some parents think -- and "quality" isn't necessarily forfeit.

If she gives it her best shot for 1 semester, 2 quarters, or 2 semesters -- gets decent to good grades, etc. and STILL wants to leave -- the bargain should be that she have a plan about what she'll do next. If she's got a semester of work outside school that's interesting and her grades didn't crash, she may actually be a stronger applicant to a "quality" school (esp. a smaller one, say, Pomona) than she was as a h.s. senior. In many cases, the secret is that transfers may have an easier time convincing admissions boards because they can say "I really want to study X, I tried the U of YZ but it was the wrong place for me because of size, atmosphere, etc., and while I was working, I discovered I'm really interested in doing ABC." As tough as all this is for her (and the end of first term is notoriously freak-out time for most anyway), she may actually come out ahead.

LoveItaly, on our trip up to see her we stayed in wine country and visited quite a few wineries. I'll be posting a trip report soon. We bought some excellent wine, and that will for sure get me through this and any crisis in the near future. Thanks for your thoughts.

ICUY, time management is the mantra at USCB. With the quarter system, there is no slack time. This part of her life seems to be on secure ground right now. Most of her problems are social with homesickness thrown in. Sounds like you handled your daughters crisis just right. Gotta stay on top of things.

Cassandra, my information tells me that to transer from one state school (Cal state or UC) to another requires I think 60 credits. I am understanding this is the case bc of new state emphasis to get students their degree in four years. I am not aware of any state school that would take her under 60 credits. If you know differently, please let me know. She could maybe transfer to a private school, or for sure, a JC, but not state. That is what we are told.

She says now that she wants to be a teacher. And UCSB does not give out credentials. But she could stay there for first two years and then "travel" to another school in another town her last two years. We see this as an option, she does not.

Heavens, a former high school team-mate of my son's went to UC Davis on a scholarship right after high school. This boy was so homesick that he did poorly academically and left after the first year. He enrolled in San Diego State. I really don't know if he went as a sophomore or if he started from scratch, but he is much happier now.

Have you actually talked to anyone at any of the State schools?

Barbara, As far as I know the UC and Cal State schools will not take transfers unless they have 60 tranferable units. If you look at the SDSU website, they say they are not taking any applications for lower division transfers. My older daughter's friend went to CS Long Beach for one year and hated it. She tried to tranfer to San Diego State but they were not taking applications. She came home, finished up her 60 units at Palomar Community College and then was able to get in SDSU for her last two years. This was just in the last 3 years.

Another one my friend's daughter hated her school also (Vanguard in Costa Mesa). The only public school she could get into as a sophomore was Univ of Nevada Las Vegas. I am sure some of the private schools will take sophomores but then there is that expensive tuition.

Heavens-One way your daughter might have around this is because she wants to be a teacher and UCSB doesn't give credentials. But I still think she will have to have 60 units to transfer to a public school. I also know what you are going through. My younger daughter is a freshman at Cal State San Marcos living in the dorm. If you read my earlier post, I said she was having a hard time adjusting but I thought she was doing better. Well she came home Friday afternoon and was crying about how much she hated it and wants to leave. So I know exactly what you are going through. We talked about some options but she needs to stick the year out as she has a contract in her dorm/apartment. She is having a hard time adjusting both socially and academically so we'll have to see what happens.

Ah Heavens, loading up on wine from Napa Valley..you are a woman after my own heart! A good glass of wine does take the edge off of things, that is for sure.

I didn't realize that UCSB does not give out teaching credientals. That is interesting.

Looking forward to your Napa Valley trip report when you have the time. Glad you had some relaxation while you were in CA. Best wishes to you.

Actually, LoveItaly, it was Sideways country, not Napa. We are fortunate now to have so many wine areas in our beautiful state. There is Napa, Sonoma, Paso Robles, and the area where we were - Buelton, Los Olivos, Solvang, Santa Ynez area. Beautiful and excellent wines. Look for my report...coming soon to a Foders near you.

Thanks again. Lots to look into on this. Maybe we have more options than we think. I hope so.

Paula, we have friends at San Marcos. The problem there is the social, from what I understand. Not much going on to support a social life. A counselor at our local community college raved about if for my daughter to get her teaching credential. Over SDSU. That surprised me.

This first year for some is just so complex and drama packed. Yipes. Where's the pinot!

If this posts twice, I apologize. it didn't seem to go the first time I tried.

Paula, I'm very aware of the 60 credit requirement as my son will be transferring next year-to San Marcos. I also know that what I described actually happened. He started at SDSU this year. I don't know how they managed it, but he may have started over as a freshman. If you're not trying to transfer grades, then maybe it's possible.

Heavens, I'm of two minds when I read your post. My oldest has had some really down days as she, too, struggles with freshman year adaptation. And I find I identify with my freshman year 34 years ago when I too felt "this place is not for me."

My parents gave me the speech BeachBoi's mom did and I truly accepted that. I also became suicidal during the second week of second semester. Thank goodness I made a phone call to my parents. They were at the school by the end of the day and they got me help.

I did not, however, transfer. I sucked it up (hey, lower middle class families don't have a ton of options) and graduated with academic success.

Flash forward. I am visiting all the schools that accepted my daughter. She gets accepted into one of the most elite universities in the US. It's a beautiful day on the campus. The program for accepted students is lovely. Our student tour guide is charming. We go to lunch. Daughter starts sobbing. I ask what is wrong. She says, "I should go here. It's fabulous. But I look around and I can't imagine who I would like or where I should be." I told her, "Hey, this is why we came. No problem."

We headed home (eight hour drive) and I started crying. She said, "Are you disappointed in me?" I said, "No, honey, I'm crying for me. I felt on that campus the same way I did at my own college--only I felt that way for four years. I should NEVER have gone there. I made the best of it, and I never ever want to see that school again."

I can't advise you. My parents will never, ever know that with the best wishes for me, they damned me to the four worst years of my life. They paid for my education, and all they will ever need to know is that I am grateful for their sacrifices and their love for me. I certainly was able to make use of the education they gave me, and I have had a wonderful, wonderful life.

My daughter, however, is told in every single phone call that.."YOU, yourself, come first. If you hate it, we get you somewhere you like."

And incidentally, she hasn't come home once.

Paula, you have brought up a point that none of us have thought through. We have only paid through one quarter, but we are probably contracted through the end of the year, for room and board. I cannot imagine that we would not be under contract and obligated for that money, which is nothing to sneeze away, I am sure. We are going to look into this today.

I mentioned this to my OD that we might have a hitch in her plan B. Surprisingly she didn't have a melt down. I told her we will have to honor our committments. That is what we do, and if we are committed to this, than we might have to stick it out. Will be interesting to see what happens...

Thanks again all. Barbara, if you do find out about this friend and if they accepted him without the 60 units, let us know. I think there are situations that you can petition admissions, where they review case by case. Maybe this was his situation?

amelia, wonderful advice!!!

Having read most of the answering posts, I think you have received some good advice and trust you will make the right decision. Only additional thought I have to offer is to try to help her figure out if this is a question of wrong school or underlying depression - which I know as a parent of teenagers is an almost impossible task.

If someone could just tell us which of the traumas and dramas of teenage years and young adulthood were situational, which are serious, which will pass if just left alone - everyone would sleep better at night.

My perspective is one of watching our son (now 19 and happily settled in college) 4 years ago suffer thru "bad teachers", "friends that do not understand", and a variety of other issues - fueled by an underlying treatable depression. Once that was dealt with, he was much able to see things in realistic perspective and far more able to handle the normal ups and downs of life.

Heavens -- you've received some great advice here. However, I thought you might also be interested in learning about another forum to gain some advice. The website called collegeconfidential.com has a discussion forum for parents that might be helpful. Here's a link to a post about freshman blues: http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/...ighlight=blues

Good luck.

Susan

Barbara-I wasn't trying to dispute that your friend's son got into SDSU with less than 60 credits, I just hadn't known anyone who had done that recently. It would be great for Heaven's daughter if you find out any info for her.

Heavens-I saw my daughter again today as I went to San Marcos to see a movie with her. She seems a little better and is willing to at least stay there through the rest of the year. I agree that there is not much social life at CSU San Marcos and that is part of the problem. She is also a little overwhelmed by her classes as she is having to apply herself more than she did in high school. She has never been a huge fan of school but knows that she wants that college diploma. So it's a combination of the two that is making it difficult for her.

I tried to talk her out of San Marcos because I knew she would probably do better in a school with more activities. But she had her heart set on going there mainly because she didn't want to go far from home. CSUSM is a very good school and yes their teaching program is highly regarded.

As far as the living situation, I don't really remember if my OD signed a rooming contract at UC Irvine. The difference at San Marcos is the dorms are owned and run by a private company, not the state. So basically what you sign with them is a lease either for 9 months or a year. She probably would be able to get out of the lease if they could find someone to take her spot.

It breaks my heart to see my daughter unhappy and I know you feel the same about yours. I do think they have to give the school a chance but once that first year is over, I am not going to make her stay there if she's unhappy.
I hope it works out for your daughter, too.

I'm thinking the majority of college freshmen go through a transition phase of many sorts-- giddiness, loneliness, over-the-top socializing/partying, introversion, extroversion-- you name it. I know it's very hard to hear your student cry on the phone when he or she is away at college. I've certainly been there, done that. But I'll bet it's pretty much an inescapable part of growing up.

Maybe the more we parents do to "fix it", the slower our students mature. I wonder if this generation of kids, who were shuttled to and from so many planned activities during their formative years, has a harder time than our generation in making the transition to living on their own. Maybe their expectations are higher, too?? Just a thought. No help to you at the moment, I'm afraid. Wishing you a happy and healthy outcome.

As a mother who just sent her son back to SDSU this afternoon (he came home for the weekend) I overheard him say to his friend who was driving "Oh, it will be so nice to get home to see what happened this weekend." It struck me wrong, to think my only son who was so very close to me thinks of his college dorm as "home" - but then I realized how lucky we are after reading this post. Both my husband and I had reservations about him attending SDSU because its a "party school" - let me tell you that they have a freshman dorm exclusively for kids who are transistioning from home to college and they want to shed that reputation. Its called "Living/Learning Center" and its excellent. They have a full time faculty member living there with the kids and it's great to know someone is watching the kids (as much as they can). Now thats not to say some kids are unhappy there, but my son is estatic about SDSU and should be the spokesperson of that university for freshman. He came from a small, all boy private catholic school in the
LA area and has had NO problem adjusting to a school with 40,000 students.

Just my two cents - I'm not trying to make the poster feel bad about her daughter, I just wanted to share my thoughts of SDSU. And what a bargain, too! Living in San Diego for $13,000.00 a year!!! And he leaves THEIR lights on rather than OURS!