This might help:

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated column in the world -- known for its uncommon common sense and youthful perspective.

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/

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Esther Pauline Friedman Lederer, a.k.a. Ann Landers (July 4, 1918–June 22, 2002), wrote the famous syndicated advice column "Ann Landers". For some 45 years, it was a regular feature in many newspapers across North America. In it, people wrote the columnist for advice and she answered. Lederer's writing style was direct but often witty and sometimes acerbic. She would regularly upbraid an errant letter-writer with the quip, "Watch it, bub!"

In good health almost all of her life, she died of multiple myeloma in 2002 at the age of 83.

It was decided ahead of time, however, that the column would not continue after Lederer's death.

The Ann Landers column has since been replaced by Annie's Mailbox, a similar feature written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, the longtime editors of Lederer's old column.

http://www.creators.com/lifestyle_sh...olumnsName=ama

Heavens--I'm a little puzzled. She is disturbed by the partying but has pledged a sorority. It was my experience of college and those of others, that sororities and fraternaties were the biggest source of partying as well as drinking on campus.

When kids are trying to fit in and "find" their place and friends that they are relaxed to be with- they often times join groups and or pledge. Give her some points for trying.

SOME Greek organizations are big on partying. Not all. She isn't sure where this one falls in, but she met a young woman from this sorority and they really hit it off, so she invited her over to their house when fromal RUSH was over, for the informal RUSH.

My daughter, I'll call her JJ, went through RUSH, and this didn't start her off on the right foot, to the college experience. Within a few days, she felt inferior and rejected. This friend invited her to her house where she met a few of the girls and she liked them, they invited her that night with songs and gifts. Now she isn't sure what she wants to do.

Many sororities work hard in community service and ask the students to maintain their grades. Some have study nights. The fraternities do this also. So, like the rest, depends on the group...

It sounds like you are listening to her and know your daughter.

It will turn out ok and she'll find out if it is for her or not soon.

My daughter is a sophomore at UCSB, living in a dumpy apartment in IV and loving every minute of it. Freshman year was a major change for this only child who had to adapt to the chaos of the dorms and the stress of being "nice" to kids 24/7. She had a bizarro roommate who thankfully left after the first quarter. This can be a HUGE factor, it isn't easy socially to request a change, but perhaps she can try for next quarter. By January, my kid had made some marvelous friends and had fallen in love with UCSB. By this time she has learned how to party "properly", and scoffs at those who over indulge. Her freshman grades were a disaster, though - this year she has got a grip on herself.

All kids are different, but my advice to your daughter would be to hang in there, it's only been about 4 weeks and things will change. UCSB is only 1.5 hours drive from home, so my daughter came home about every other weekend, however it was only to visit an unsuitable boy friend who she ended up dumping in February!

Good luck mom, it's awful to have your kid crying on the phone...

Hi gigib, your post was very helpful.
What, overall, turned things around for your daughter? Just giving it time? Or do you think it was something more specific? My daughter has not declared her major yet, and is a little lost here also. UCSB can help with that, I think.

She has come home once, we have been up there once, and she met us in San Diego once. So, she hasn't exactly been exiled, LOL.

Today she sounds happy, and that is bc her best friend, still in high school, is going to be there in about an hour. She is thrilled, of course. So, as long as she sounds happy now and then, that is about all we can ask for these days.

We know she is growing, but why does it have to hurt so much sometimes? Thanks again, all. You have given us much to ponder.

DH and I have decided to take a little trip up there this week for observation, research, and wine sipping. All very scientific.

Enjoy your trip and lots of wine (for research purposes only)!

And good luck with the decisions. I can't offer much in the way of advice, except that transitions are hard and you know your daughter best!

Hi Heavens, I saw on another post that you will be going to Santa Barbara this weekend. Have a lovely time.

A couple of thoughts that were brought to mind due to posts here. I think one reason my husband insisted our daughter "hang in there" was that she was a bit spoiled, he realized that and felt she needed to buckle down and face the real world. But every person in different. I still think she was not mature enough to handle the problems. When she went back to UCSB when she was older and wiser it all went well. As I said before she got her degree and in doing so found her "niche". She made friends during that period that she is friends with today. Also, and I had forgotten about this, she had a boy friend the last couple of years of HS who while was an ok fellow was certainly not the person for her. And he was pushing her to get married right out of HS. Fortunatly she did want to "get away" from him. My husband, I think, felt that being out of our area was good for that reason. I believe he was afraid if she left UCSB she would end up feeling like a failure and perhaps allow this young fellow to take over her life. And that could have happened IMHO.

Her brother btw also went to UCSB and never had any problems. He had the ability to ignore all the party types and kept his nose to the grindstone. If I had one wish for him I wish he had taken the time to have a little bit of fun while at UCSB.

He then transferred to law school and then through the Army Corp of Engineers got his master degree. But he was always a serious person who knew what he wanted and never let anything or anyone distract him from his goals.

It is so hard raising a child. And we sure are not given a book of instructions when they are born. And even siblings can be so different from each other regarding their outlook on life, their maturity etc.

All we can do is the best that we know how. And asking for thoughts from others can often help us come to better decisions. Again, best wishes to you and your daughter Heavens. And enjoy that wine!!!

heavens,
i attended UCSB for a quarter, and also worked there in the '80's. I never found it to be a warm and fuzzy place...felt too much like a bunch of L.A. transplants or something, I was just never happy there...
I graduated from the UofMaryland, and was a lot happier there. Transferring to another school may not be a bad idea...
My son just started junior college near home, didn't want to go away yet, and I have doubts about that, whether he should've gone away. I do know he wouldn't like UCSB...this is a generalization, but it's sort of a "shallow" place...no insults to those who love it intended.

UCSB is definitely known as a party school but I know of several students from S. CA (where I live) who go there (and are not big party kids) and they have grown to like it a lot. They say it takes time to get to know other students like themselves but pretty soon they have a nice group of friends. I wonder if getting a new roommate wouldn't be a good move. I graduated from a large University in the Midwest and I had the roommate from hell when I first arrived but I asked for a change and my second roommate was great and we are good friends to this day. Sometimes the roommate is the biggest problem. If all else fails and she can't stand it after trying to meet others like her and changing roommates, perhaps a change is the answer. She may need a smaller school. I loved being at a huge University (and I grew up in a very small town) but some kids just want a smaller atmosphere and they do well there. Just depends on the person. Good luck to you and her too!!

Hi frankie, "shallow" is something I think of regarding UCSB but not all the students that go there are "shallow". But IMO a lot of students do go to UCSB because of its location, the beach and ocean, its party reputation.

And I hate to say this but for decades UCSB has said to be "working" on their image. IMO that is not going to happen. Some schools become party schools, some don't (well not as much). And some students love the party atmosphere and some don't and some can ignore it.

It seems to me more and more we read about universities and the problems surrounding them. Perhaps it is because so many more families can send their students off to university without making the terrific sacrifice that families use to make. I don't know the answer. I just know when I got out of HS that students that went on to higher education had a lot of expectations and consequently seemed to take their opportunity to get the education a lot more seriously than young people do today. And I say this will all the observations I have made in our own family. I consequently can imagine how difficult it must be for the serious student to adjust to campus life and feel as though they fit in while being away from home for the first time.

i have to apologize about the word "shallow". I know there are a lot of great people there...it did just feel like an awfully hard place to get to know people.
And to go straight there out of high school these days is a real accomplishment, it has high academic standards. It is not an easy school to get into as a freshman...

Heavens,
Our daughter had a very difficult first year away in a party dorm, and since she is quite shy, did find the adjustment much harder than she anticipated.

She ended up going to an on campus health services counsellor who really helped. They are available to listen and encourage the students, whether their problems are social, academic or psychological.

The minute we gave ours the option to move into an apartment, she decided to stick it out. I think feeling they have no way out is the worst part for many kids.

As often as you can visit, do so, and continue to be supportive. It sounds as if you are on the right track and she will thank you for it in the coming years.

My teen? Sheesh, I hated college at first! And,,,, at second. I had far too much on my plate - charged with raising my younger brother and sister + working part time + four classes and, often, a lab in order to carry 16 units per semester. 128 units over four years; should be breezy.

A four year degree? Not w/o taking summer or winter courses. Add into the equation that I met two separate university counselors in two years to select courses which were later deemed not applicable to the 136-unit degree I sought.

Luckily, I had no time for a fraternity. I <i>was</i> in a sorority one night, though. ;)

Worth all the struggles? Certainly. You betcha.

Pis

I just sent my second daughter off to college. Fortunately, they are both only approxinately 2 hours away and neither of them really had the home sick blues too much. On the subject of sororities, it was and continues to be a huge comfort to my eldest. They are not allowed to drink at sorority sponsored functions, and they have to maintain at least a 3.0 GPA. The university she goes to has over 50,000 students and she would have never made this many friends on her own. Her freshman year going through rush was very difficult (know what you mean, Heaven, by how she felt, my daugher called crying with the same feelings). Once she settled on the sorority and got involved, it's all been good (ridiculously expensive the parental units think, but what isn't??). If she knows she has the option of making a change after the semester, or the year, she might be able to look at things differently. Good luck to all of you, it's so hard to have your kids sad!

Heavens - For many kids the first semester or quarter of school is difficut, just being in a new environment and being far from home. I think they need to stick it out for the first year to see if they truly don't fit in. It takes a while to make friends and dealing with a roommate you don't get along with makes the process even more difficult.

My older daughter just graduated from UC Irvine and adapted right away. Even though we live an hour south of Irvine, she never came home because she always had so much to do with her new friends. She also got a part-time job after the first few months and that kept her busy.

My youngest daughter is a freshman at CSU San Marcos and is living on campus. She is having a much harder time adjusting although she likes 2 of her 3 roommates. She has been home alot and was not happy the first 6 weeks. She seems to be liking it better now.

Both of my daughters have had friends go to UCSB. Almost all of their friends are not into partying and I was surprised that these particular students picked UCSB. With the exception of one of them, they all loved the school and did well there. The sister of my youngest daughter's boyfriend goes to UCSB. She is a quiet, somewhat shy girl but has found her friends and likes it there alot. While joining a sorority may mean more partying, it is also a way to meet more people. It sounds like the girls your daughter met at the one house might be a good match for her. It will certainly give her a group where she feels like she fits in.

One thing that is difficult here in California is transferring after your freshman year. Most public universities will not take tranfers unless they have 60 units which makes them a junior. If she leaves UCSB her only option might be to get more units at the local community college so she can tranfer to another UC school as a junior.

One of my friend's has a daughter who goes to Arizona State. The most month there she loved it, then for the rest of the first semester she cried almost every day about wanting to come back to California. Her parents had her stick out the first semester, she's now a junior there and couldn't imagine going to any other school.

Sorry this post is so long but hope it helps.

My daughter went to the opposite coast for college. Yes, first year was difficult. Being used to having her own room, she opted for a single room. Big mistake, she realized too late. You really need the interaction with other students. Most of the unhappiness comes from feeling like you're the &quot;odd man out&quot;. Once they start making friends, get comfortable with the layout of the school, know where to eat and play off-campus, etc., then it begins to feel more comfortable. We told our daughter that she needed to stay just that first year. If she really wanted to change schools after that, then she could. She stayed all 4 years, graduated 2-1/2 years ago and stayed on the east coast - loves it - and has lots of friends.

I think it's harder on the parents sometimes. If they know it's ok to change schools at the end of one year, it makes it easier on them to cope. They just need to know you respect their feelings and are willing to work with them.

I don't have a teen but my own experience (9 years ago) starting university wasn't so hot. In the end, it didn't have much to do with the actual place or school but rather that I wasn't in the right program. I ended up switching degrees twice (ouch on my bank account - yes I funded my own schooling and wasn't wasting Mom and Dad's money). If your kid is happy with the study part - great. Try to encourage her to meet others by signing up for clubs or volunteer groups that interest her...and this doesn't need to be restricted to what the college offers...look outside the school.

I went to a large state university
(now ranked #3 for football!) and hated it my first year....the ENTIRE year. Roommate was nice enough, but strange. Did not know a soul from high school. Faculty in my major were more intent on 'weeding out' than teaching. My dorm had twice as many people as my high school did! Could not get home to see family...luckily my best friend from HS had the same experience at Emory-

I considered transferring, joined a sorority, joined the club field hockey team, became an RA, and got a car. It took two years until I felt a part of the campus...

Maybe transferring is the best option, but your daughter needs to give the campus every opportunity, not vice-versa. If your daughter was involved in high school, she needs to seek out those type of activities in college. The grass is not always greener at another college- who is to say that things will change if she transfers? Other schools party, have elevators in dorms and lush roommates!!!

Fast-forward: my last 2 years of school were dramatically different. It was a tough, but necessary part of my education.

Now I teach high school, and find that when graduates come back to see me, the best indicator of their college experience it the ROOMMATE! If they 'click' with their roommate, they seems to enjoy the whole environment more. A negative roommate situation just spills out to other aspects of college life...