Did your teen hate college at first?
 

OK, when our kids "travel" away from home to a new place to stay for a few years, it can be difficult for them, initially. Well, we are going through this right now. We know if she gives it time, she will adjust. It is hard; new roommate (major party girl and lush), coming and going 24/7 in the dorms (room is by the elevator), big party school (UCSB), only one person from high school who is at the same school.

All of these factors are creating major cries of "I don't fit in" and "this place is just NOT for me". We are understanding that this is normal for fall freshman to go through. And throw in major homesickness from "traveling" so far away from home to get their education and set up a new life.

Anyway, sorry if some feel this is inappropriate for this forum. There are many on this board who have discussed their kid's college experiences here so I figured that many have been through this also. Any tips or words of encouragement to offer?

Our advice to her is to give it time and stay the course. Not falling on receptive ears, if you know what I mean. Thanks for your time.

Heavens, being that it is the end of October, maybe this school truly isn't for her?

Can she finish out the semester, start the spring at a local school at home (many community college courses will transfer if they are 101s) and start elsewhere next fall?

Some kids just aren't ready for school away from home.

I would suggest the above and see what she has to say.

Here are some websites:

http://www.sideroad.com/College_and_...man-blues.html
http://www.ehow.com/how_1589_beat-college-freshman.html
http://www.campusblues.com/
www.talk.collegeconfidential.com
When I confronted my Mom about this, her response was:"You think you are the Lone Ranger?OK, you make the choice...college or the barrio??" Best of Luck!

If she choose the school herself primarily, I'd do just what you're doing. Listen, stay open.

Every student is different with expectations meeting adjustments etc.
Is she coming home all the time? Or is that not possible?

The University I work for is a school which attracts a lot of students who do not like the big school experience. We have a lot of transfer students start as Sophomores here. We have about 3,400 FTE (Full Time Equivenlency) students in the entire structure, including Grad students. About 1/2 of those started here from their first day of college and the other 1/2 have transfered in.

All my kids went to huge State schools to start (all different) and for one of them it was disliked almost immediately because of the size/contact with profs etc. and all kinds of other factors, some exactly like your daughter's.

Many might say to just wait it out until she makes friends and adjusts. I did with the one who hated it, and he ended up going there for 2 whole years.

He made the best of it, but a big school was just not "for" him. He ended up coming here where I work now and he LOVED it.

Sometimes it doesn't work and sometimes it just takes more than a semester to meld.

More than any other advice (these things are SO hard to determine)I could give you would be to tell her to be VERY careful that she only take courses that are transferable. Nothing like a Fine Arts course (example: Interpretation of Film) that may not translate easily into another agenda.

If UCSB is on semesters (I don't know)-I would have a truth telling session with her before the next registration to determine what basics will transfer if she is still feeling uneasy after November. And you definitely can not depend upon your Academic Advisors to tell you these options on course transfers. If she is thinking of another school- get their catalog and let her plan her own path.

Is she depressed?

Heavens, My daughter HATED UCSB. Precisely for the reasons you mentioned. She would never have gotten used to it. She ended up doing the second semester abroad, in a program sponsored by UCSB so it wasn't a waste. And being it was in Paris it was a great experience. The next year she transferred to a different university and was very happy. In my opinion, USCB is an environment that just isn't a good fit for some kids.

Heavens,

I just finished reading the book "I Am Charlotte Simmons" by Tom Wolfe. I don't know if you have read it, but it may give you a little insight as to what she may be going through. (He did lots of research on college campuses before writing this piece of fiction) It is pretty shocking.

I have friends who graduated from UCSB and it IS known as a huge party school. If getting drunk/stoned and "hooking up" are not what she is into, then maybe she is right and she doesn't fit in (and aren't you glad!).

I'm no expert on this subject, but it sounds like this environment is not for her. I hope she will finish the semester and move to a place where she feels more at home.

Editors: Our concern for each other is the main reason I frequent this forum. Please allow this thread to continue so we can help Heavens. Thanks.

Fortunately, our daughter took a "gap" year off and started college a year older and wiser. That made a HUGE difference. The constant partying did get to her, nearly instantly, and she did not enjoy her first two quarters. She too had a party girl roommate and eventually that roommate went to another dorm and our daughter ended up with someone more compatible. She still never enjoyed her year in the dorm. It was only when she moved out into a house with other theatre majors that she felt more comfortable.

The first year is the toughest - for them and for you. See what happens when she comes home for the holidays (assume she will do that). I know some families whose kids returned to our hometown university the very first year, and I don't think it's at all unacceptable. Remembering that most kids when they head off as freshman have never lived away from home and everything is different. While it may seem exciting at the first, it isn't for everyone. Classes that transfer easily are a great suggestion. Funny, though, our daughter talked several times about transferring back in her freshman year, and then passed a point where she never really brought that up again. It was if she found her spot there and never looked back. Now, she is tired of the town and ready for graduation and moving on in the world!

Good luck to you, and to your daughter.

Oh yes. And it started before she even left for school. Although SHE chose it out of every school she applied to (and was accepted at) she was suddenly away from all her best friends and had one of those psycho roommies, too.

It was never hard for her to make friends, it just took a while for her to get used to having to deal with the bureaucracy of a large state university, and that she wasn't involved in any "activities" yet. I don't think she was REALLY happy until the end of the first year, when she decided to change her major, and was comfortable with a couple of girls who have remained wonderful friends to this day. Once she stopped spinning her wheels, she enjoyed it much more.

It would be a good idea for her to research the options for transferring to a different school next year -- but she'll need to pay close attention to her grades so that it is an easy transfer. Maybe if she could take a couple of "road trips" to other schools in the system, and talk to friends who went to other schools, she could see that everyone is adjusting.

She's NOT the only one with a bad-match for a roommate. If she can find someone else on the floor or in the hall who is having a tough time, they might just click. They might even be able to switch roomies at semester break (or at least know that they could room together next year).

Try to get her to focus on the one problem that bothers her most (which I'm guessing is the roomie.)

I used to live in LA (went to UCLA), and UCSB is kind of a party school. As is Pepperdine.

So the big question here is -- why on earth did she choose to go to UCSB in the first place? It's no secret what it's like. The answer to that may determine what she should do. If UCSB is wellknown for some particular program and that's why she chose it, then she should give it some time, and maybe can change roommates. If she had no good reason for choosing it except the beach, california, etc.... well, you need to figure these things out as to what the decision process was in this school.

It's early in the semester, and lots of kids feel unsettled at college to begin with. Since you're financially committed for this semester, convince her to stay and maybe she'll settle in. Or the travel abroad option through UCSC could be an excellent idea, especially if she wants to study abroad anyway.
I think it's too soon to make a do-or-die decision-- see if she can make it through this school year. Then you'd have the summer to talk with her friends about their experiences, and make a decision about returning.
I've read the Tom Wolfe book, and I have a daughter who's a junior in college far-away-- don't let the book scare you. IMHO some kids may experience college like that, but if your daughter has a head on her shoulders, she probably has more sense than that.
Santa Barbara is so beautiful, maybe she can get involved in community service off-campus and find things to do other than campus life. I do think dorm life is tough-- who wants people 24/7 partying in the hallways and even your own room? It's a lot of adjusting to do, on so many levels, wherever you go.

Heavens:

Go over to the collegeconfidential.com parent forum and post there. Great parents, very knowledgeable and experienced with college stuff. You'll get lots of sympathy and good advice.

Try this link to it:
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/...splay.php?f=15

Reading some of these posts, maybe the WORST thing that could happen is that your daughter actually adapt to that environment! :-D

Dear Heavens, I remember your post when you were going to take your daughter to UCSB and I was wondering if she would like this university.

I say that as years ago my stepdaughter wanted to go there. We tried to suggest that perhaps it was not the university that would work for her but she insisted this was what she wanted.

Heavens, she would call us at least three times a week, usually in the middle of the night, crying and begging to come home.

The reasons for her unhappiness is the exact same reason that your daughter is expressing. In fact the situation is so similar right down to having only one friend from HS that she shared the dorm room with. This young lady came from a very strict upbringing and I can only assume that after she got away from her parents control she just became the over the top party girl. This was not something either my stepdaughter or we anticipated.

My husband would advise our daughter to give UCSB one semester. By that time she decided that she could handle things.

Looking back on it I think we made a big mistake. My stepdaughter ended up leaving UCSB the middle of her sophmore year. A bit of a breakdown so to speak. I did get her a medical discharge.

She than worked for two years. Eventually she went back to UCSB. She was older and more mature of course. She had her own apartment and consequently had her space to live the way she wanted. And she did get her degree.

With what I have seen over the years some students go to a university far from home to get away from parental control. They are not interested in studying. This makes it so hard for the serious students.

I don't have any great advice for you except to say that you two know your daughter as no one else would. At the time we went through this I guess I didn't agree with my husband's thought that she needed to mature and grow up. My sixth sense told me she needed to come home. I am always sorry when I don't listen to my sixth sense.

My best wishes to all of you. I am sure you will make the right decisions. Take good care.

GoTravel, her school is on quarter system, so she has been there for maybe five weeks, pushing it. She also pledged a sorority during informal rush, and that has been two weeks.

Beachboi, we have been so tempted to adopt your Mom's kind of tough love. It is hard not to. And hard to give in. I will check out the websites, and thanks.

Thanks for all of your responses. She is going to watch what she schedules in the future in case she does go through with a transfer. Which we don't mind, as long as she gives this school a chance.

Hummm, why did she pick the school? For one, she went there in high school in the summer for a leadership conferance. When she "traveled" to the campus she fell in love with it. But they have all of those orientations in the summer also and we saw a different school than what she is describing. Also, partying goes on at almost any school, IMO.

Also, she was in the top 4% of her class and they accepted her bc of that so she thought to give it a go. She is the most adventurous of teens, that is why this whole thing has taken us by surprise.

Your responses are so helpful, you have no idea how great it is to get such knowledgable advice. A million thanks...

For the record, I am not in any way bad mouthing the college. It does have that reputation but the school is working very hard to change the image. We love the school. But it does seem to attract a lot of young kids who want to just have a good time. Many are not old enough to handle the responsibility and in this day and age, the school has their hands tied to patrol it.

I just mentioned the name bc so many who post here are familiar with the school and have first hand experience with its uniqueness, whereas all of this is new to us.

Thanks again for all of your insight. These are huge decisions not to be taken lightly...

Hi there,

I have to preface my comments with the fact that I'm not yet a parent, but my brother went to UCSB and I had a hard college transition of my own (west coast to east coast) with the last 10-12 years so it may be still relevant.

I think your daughter should stick it out for the year and give it a chance. And in the meantime, she should concentrate and do well academically in case she does ultimately want to transfer.

As I remember it (and coincidently I was just talking to my friends from college about this last week), freshman year is a year in flux. Everyone is trying to find their group, trying to find people like them. The people she's hanging out with now, the first 2 months into school, will not be the people she will be hanging out with after she comes back to school from xmas break or next year. Some people immediately find their niche and it takes others longer. When I first went to college in New England from San Francisco, I thought I was an alien in a strange land. I also thought about transferring. It took far more than a year to adjust and ultimately, I had a great experience and met my best friends. I knew of a couple of people my age from SF who went off to college and came crying back after 2 months. In my mind, those kids gave up b/c they couldn't handle having their comfort zone challenged.

That's essentially what's going on. Your daughter is out of her comfort zone and the knee jerk reaction is to say, "I want to transfer," "I hate this place." I know b/c I went through it too. Who knows, after a year, she may still hate it. If that's the case, she can transfer. But I imagine she'll have a different viewpoint come March. I know I'm a stronger person for having been out of my comfort zone and had to adjust on my own. It's a hard but it is a very important thing to go through because there will be many things in life that will be hard and you have to learn to push through. There have to be people at UCSB who don't want to party all the time or are over the party thing and she will find them! Good Luck!

Heavens-
I can only answer this from the perspective of a student (well, make that one whose graduated and out for a long time now.)

I HATED college at first--had a roommate that not only had never met a Jewish person but also did hardcore drugs. Having lived in a pretty small town my whole life, I had never really had to make friends--something my parents pointed out but I didn't listen to. They also tried to talk me into going to schools closer to home but again I was stubborn.

I was miserable for much of the 1st semester. I called my parents crying all the time and my mom has told me many times that it broke her heart. That said, she told me at the time I had to suck it up and finish the year (think she may have said semester initially)

I'm so glad she did that. When the end of the first term came, I decided I could stick it out for the rest of the year and then would consider transferring to a school closer to home. That never happened because I found my niche and group of friends and came to love being away from home.

I have to say that in my first year of college, I grew up and gained so much confidence in myself. It was hard and definately a rocky way to grow up but it was one of the smartest moves I ever made--and my parents for forcing me to live w/my decisions.

Good luck!
OWJ

Sounds like the exact experience we went through. Second year, things are completely different. Hang in there, part of growing up and maturing is learning how to cope with these travails and NOT making a major move to another college/back home, whatever. This too, shall pass. She's going to have to face this world, and now's the time. This is also the experience of most of the parents of my kids' peers!

Heavens, you know UCSB does sound a lot like our Southern IL Univ.in Carbondale.

As she is on quarters that is even more registration choices. Tell her to keep it to the basics.

I know people have all kinds of other tales the opposite way, but I would not go beyond this coming Spring if she feels this way.

In my job I see so much depression and suicidal thinking in this group that I would much rather err on the side of carefulness. Listen to her, even when you don't want to hear it again.

I feel now, much like LoveItaly. I totally wish I would never have been so hard-headed to make up him stay that second year. Some people just don't like the ruckus of a big school and my youngest was definitely one of them. He ended up getting a Masters degree plus, but never ever in that environment.