Alrighty, so I went through the same exact thing. Well not exact my roommate was anything but a party go'er and we lived far away from the elevators. But the "I don't fit in" and "this school isn't for me" thing. I wanted to quit after the first semester because of these problems.

I personally think that the first year is the hardest for many reasons. Please encourage her to at least finish the year because I found that towards the end of the school year I felt better about my choice. If at the end of the year she still regrets it or wants to switch schools at least she gave it a try. I didn't finish going to school where I started at because I went home to go to community college because of finance issues but once I get my associates degree I will be going back (with a full scholarship this time!).

The first year is hard. Everyting is new, and there's homesickness and trying to build new friendships and it's a bunch of pressure. I think there's more pressure in college than in high school because in high school you have known people for years and years (at least I did) and you grow up with these people. When you leave this group of people and don't know anyone it is extremely intimidating.

I would at least live out the semester but seriously try to get a year finished. A lot of things change in the second semester and that's where I formed some of the best friendships ever because I had figured out the flow of college I was able to relax and meet people who were like me and not big partiers. Ultimately she has to do what's best for her and I think that she will know that better than you will (no offense). I hope this helps you.

We're very lucky in that our daughter loves her school and has from the beginning. But that's not been the case with many of her friends. And, over the years, I've known many other people (my husband, my brothers) who've not been happy with their first choice. In most of those cases, they've chosen to transfer either after the first semester or after the first year. Offhand, I can't think of a single case where they weren't much happier with their second choice.

In fact in the case of my brothers (they're twins), they were both so happy with their second choice that they still live there thirty some years later. One teaches high school, the other is a professor at the school they attended.

One of our daughter's friends chose a large party school several states away. As with your daughter, she wound up with a party girl roommate (even though she'd requested a quiet, study intense floor!). She complained and was able to get a new roommate. That, in itself, made a tremendous difference in her feelings about the school. However, she did still try to transfer closer to home. Unfortunately, she didn't get in to the school she chose. And wound up going back. Apparently, she's much happier this year.

But I really feel that if you're gonna go for the whole college experience (as opposed to living at home, working and going to school), you should do everything you can to make it a good experience. Of course, she has to stick out the semester. But, beyond that, if your daughter is miserable, why not let her try to find a better "fit"?

One of my daughter's best friends is very unhappy with his school. He had his heart set on a small school but didn't get in to the ones to which he applied. He wound up at a very good, but very large school. He complains constantly. Everytime my daughter tells him he should transfer, he says "It's only 3 more years." Yes, but they should be good years. Not years he's just trying to get through! Life's too short!

It sounds as if you're getting lots of good advice, as well as lots of accounts from other people about what they or their kids have gone through. You might not need one more - but I'll offer it anyway just in case.

My youngest son applied to Berklee College of Music in Boston and was ecstatic when he was accepted. It offered educational opportunities that were exactly what he was looking for and he couldn't believe his good fortune.

When he got there, he ended up in a dorm with several other guys who knew each other from their home town. Without being specific, they came from a particular kind of strict religious background that was not very tolerant of other religions - in fact not very tolerant of anybody who differed from what they considered to be the norm - and they also happened to be not very nice people. When they found out my son was Jewish they began to harass him. They did some pretty awful stuff and I won't go into detail but they made him miserable. He didn't know whether to complain to the Dean, or what to do, and I wasn't sure how to advise him. What finally persuaded him to take some action was that they began to persecute another kid in the dorm, who happened to be gay. My son might have been resigned to being harassed himself, but he's not the kind of person who could stand by and let it happen to somebody else, so he did go to the Dean. Immediate consequences followed and by the time Christmas break came around, the perpetrators had been warned that if one more incident occurred they would be turfed out. In fact, they were advised to take very good care of the two guys they had been harassing because if either of them got into any kind of bad situation, the perpetrators would be the first ones to be blamed. We were all very pleased with the way the school handled it.

My son was relieved that he didn't have to put up with the crap any more, but he really wasn't enjoying school. The joy that he had anticipated at being able to study what he loved in a place he admired hadn't materialized. What turned it all around for him, though, was making some friends and moving out of the residence into a shared apartment for his last couple of years.

He did very well at Berklee and graduated summa cum laude, but he was happy to come back home to our city once school was finished. The friends he made are still in touch with him and came to his wedding a few years ago. In some ways the experience of going to school far away from home may have been "just not for him," but he was able to make something good of it by changing enough things to make it a happy experience overall. Hopefully your daughter will be able to do the same, and if not, there's no shame in leaving a situation that can't be improved. Good luck!

Have you read the book "Letting Go" - if not it is full of some excellent advice I thought, I read it when my kids started college -it is all about what they go through and what we go through, it might help you with some ideas/ it addresses problems that arise and also the process of us letting go of them a bit and them letting go of us. it's scary for everyone. my kids were ok at their schools (both about 4 hours away by car) but my friends daughter hated her college, like yours, in the fall - but 2 mths is really not a long time for an incredible adjustment and when the roomie stinks, well, that can make it all the more difficult.(her daughter had a roomie who was always drinking or using drugs) I agree with whoever said find someone else on hall or in classes she likes and switch next semester. Her roomie probably doesn't like her either, they seem so different. I thought my girlfriend handled it well; she stayed on top of it, listened and listened and listened until she was tired of listening, but still did - and basically told her all the hints mentioned to find interesting courses, join a club or group or activity, and that if by Feb she wasn't happy, they could certainlyy talk about transferring and she could do that. By the time Feb came, the kid was so happy she didn't want to think of transferring. Another friends kid was still unhappy, and did transfer. Some people change jobs, some change schools. The important thing is to stay connected so you know if it is just an adjustment period or she is truly unhappy and depressed. Keep sending care packages: nothing like walking down the hall with a box of goodies to make friends! New adjustments and the roomie thing - can you imagine if after living at home for 18 yrs someone suddenly put me in a room with a stranger I didn't like? I'd be miserable too ! - is there an RA she can talk to? My neighbors son had a roomate this year who was always using drugs and selling; and she finally connected w/ the RA and the kid and they said this is their job and with all confidentiality they handled it and her son is in a new room and much happier. Or, at least she should get a new roomie for next semester. My kids went through the adjustment earlier, as they boarded in high school about one hour away. I learned that sometimes, they would call me - and vent, vent, vent, about who they didn't like and they missed their friends, and they didn't have new friends yet, and what was terrible, and they didn't think they liked it and when I'd hang up I'd be so upset and hardly sleep and then the next morning I'd call the dorm head (teacher) and ask how they thought my kid was and they would so "oh great, last night after study hour they were all in the common room eating pizza and laughing at some lame movie. I'd mention this to them and they'd say "oh, yea well we did that too." Well gee, could you tell me the good stuff too??!! Instead of just saving the "angst" for me? Maybe hopefully she is having some fun times, or will soon.
So I learned in the beginning, she saved the "venting" for me, and was leaving out the fun stuff.
Hopefully, this will happen for your kid too. Just keep the lines of communication open. Boy, isn't being a mother just the pits sometimes? Your heart aches for them. I think when they hurt, we hurt even worse.

I joined a sorority and I was not a big partier (I'm still not) and it was a very good experience. I met a lot of really great people who I still keep in touch with today and it got me active in campus activities. Sororities do lots more than party. I say she should try it if she is interested and if she doesn't like it then she can say she tried. This is very early in the school year - it will get better.

I'm impressed with the good parenting so many on this thread have accomplished.

I was just IMing with my daughter and got to thinking about something that may be relevant to this thread. I came into this fairly late so didn't thoroughly read every post. Forgive me if this has already been mentioned.

I wonder whether most students (and parents) know that most schools offer substance free floors in their dorms? My daughter has been on one both years and loves it. Some of the kids on the floor do still drink and do drugs. But they can't do it on the floor. And they know that if they come back drunk or stoned, they risk being kicked off the floor. So they're far more likely to sleep it off elsewhere. It makes for a quieter, far less crazy dorm experience!

Heavens, you've gotten some fantastic advice! I truly hope it works out well for y'all.

Sorry to butt in here again. But I should have added that another huge advantage of being on a substance free floor is that it's enabled my daughter to meet other students whose interests don't include partying.

Heavens, it may be worth checking to see whether UCSB offers these floors. Perhaps your daughter could transfer to one second semester. It could possibly make a real difference in the way she sees the school.

Hi Heavens, i just replied to your simi-valley thread and was surprised to see this.

Sorry to hear your DD is going through a tough time. I've read that adjusting to college as a freshman is second in difficulty ONLY to that of a firstborn adjusting to a new sibling!
But no one should have to tolerate a roomie who abuses alcohol or drugs and i would hope her RA could help in that regard.

DS adjusted well but he's always sailed through life seemingly effortlessly. I'm holding my breath with DD...

But i too, experienced something similar back in the day, and was ready to tranfer. Then i pledged a sorority, which really helped. Yes, they were heavier partiers than i was (at the time!) but i found two kindred spirts in my pledge class that made a huge difference. I really think finding just one of two friends to rely on can help smooth the rough spots. And life moves so quickly in college that who knows what a day will bring! Hopefully for your dd, much more contentment and peace.

I'm sure she'll find her way, her niche, with your support and love. Please keep us posted.

wliwl - thanks for the link to that excellent site!

Heavents,

My thoughts as I am reading the posts. First, from my personal and obviously limited sample, I don't think having a bad experience freshman year is the norm.
Our daugther is enjoying her first year at college and so are the children of my friends. We are surprised that they are all happy, as a couple of them were troubled in high school. They are going to a wide range of schools, from Brandeis, to Scripps, to a variety of state universities. So, I would say, your daughter's experience is not the norm, from what I am hearing.

I know a couple of kids that were unhappy last year (other friends' kids). One had left a girlfriend behind and wound up in a school very different politically from him. Between the national election and the girlfriend, he left after the first semester. Another didn't make it into the frat of his choice and was abandoned by his best friend. He's still hanging in there, but isn't happy.

I am hearing from other parents that the roommate makes the biggest difference freshman year. This may be a lot of your daughter's problem. Can she find another roommate?

By the way, my daughter is going to a school with a reputation as a party school, and there are plenty of kids serious about studying who are not part of the partying scene. The school is trying hard to change its reputation and offer healthy alternative entertainment. It isn't on the beach in California, so that is an easier mission!

Good luck to you! As another poster said, keep your eye on which credits transfer. Changing schools or taking time off isn't the worst thing that could happen. When you speak with adults about how they got to where they are, many have not followed what would seem to be the straightest or easiest path to their destinations.

In a word, nope. In fact, they had so much fun it should be outlawed. As long as they maintain their grades how can I complain? My DD # 2 (Child #4) is currently going through the usual adjustment issues as a freshman in Virginia. But she LOVES school. Maybe because I have very independent children. Maybe we just got lucky with our school choices. Don't know, but sooner or later they have to figure out what they want and don't want in life. And after a year in college if they are miserable, they should transfer. We all know life is a mixed bag of goods so you have to deal with that. Maybe her task right now is to learn about negotiation and compromise. I wish you and her well.

Give her a little time. When I went off to college.( a thousand years ago) I had NEVER been away from home on my own. I was living in the SF Bay Area and picked a school in Columbia, MO. Why? NO clue..just sounded good. Anyway, I was so scared when it came time to leave, I was actually sick on the way to the airport. To make matters WORSE, I had to change planes in Chicago, all by myself...OH NO!!!!! I had no idea where I was going etc. Well, I made it to school..didn't know a soul..HATED my room mate and the feeling was mutual. Well, after a couple of weeks my room mate and I decided we liked each other so THAT worked, made lots of friends etc. and settled in. Three and a half months later, went home for Christmas and it was like I was VISITING home because my actual life was at school. There was one girl in our dorm that could not adjust..she was calling home, sobbing, every night, would NOT make any effort to be friends with anyone, couldn't deal without her boyfriend, and she was gone after two weeks. Anyway, taking that "jump" away from home was the best thing I ever did. Your daughter WILL find her place with a little time. Best of luck to her.

We have been very fortunate with our sons, but our neighbor's daughter had a difficult time. Just as she seemed to adapt, she came home for the winter break and the difficulties began all over again. Luckily it was short-lived and she is now very happy at her school.

I wish you and your daughter all the best, Heavens.

There is always an adjustment period in going away to school. And it is possible to get the roommate from hell. But the essence of college is new experiences, new people (not clinging to old friends in fear but adding new ones).

But you don;t mention anything about the academic side of things - the real reason for college - remember. Is she happy with her classes? her profs? Is she doing well? Or feeling too challenged? Or bored? Or feeling that she's picked the wrong major?

A lot of kids do pick the wrong school at first and need to switch. (Our two are fine but several of my cousins' kids - who came from small towns - were just not ready for [they felt] large schools.)

I would sit down with her and do an analysis of all the factors (you can easily change roommates - and should be able to find congenial friends anywhere - but anyone who expects a dorm anywhere to be quiet except between 2 and 6 am is being completely unrealistic).

So perhaps this is just the wrong school for her. Or perhaps she needs some conseling regarding her expectations and need to be more adapatable.

Perhaps she's really a serious scholastic and feels a party school is wasting her time and not challenging her enough?

Heavens! You could be sitting in my living room - we have the same situation but at Emory --
any one know an online support group!

Miller10621-
When were you at Tech? What dorm and/or sorority?

I ask, obviously, because I was there too!

So darn funny that I just happenned to read this thread! I am the "best friend who was at Emory" that Miller20621 cited! (see, I know your screen name now) I'll only add one thing . . . I think that for me, it wasn't so much that I hated school (which I did, and I wouldn't send my kid to Emory, although maybe it's changed), as I really missed what I had in HS -- a close knit group of friends, school where I was confortable, happy life, etc. Coming home to visit was a big wakeup call for me. No matter which school I went to, I could never have that old life again. I applied to transfer to my local college after just one semester, felt like too much of a wimp, so deferred a year, then ended up staying at Emory for all 4 years. Maybe I should have transferred . . . but I did meet my husband there! But if you could help your daughter realize (gently) that she has to move on from HS, someplace, she might try a little harder to make whatever college work.

Heavens, I thought about you all weekend, I didn't have much time last Friday to write. Aren't Fodorites great, look at all this good advice!
When you go visit your daughter, take a couple of her friends along for a meal, you will learn so much.
What dorm is she in? Mine was in San Miguel. She is still friends with "the fourth floor boys".
My husband had a rather wild time at UCLA in the early 70's, so my daughter grew up with some crazy dorm stories which prepared her a bit.
Keep us all posted...

Oops! Should've known that my friend K, who recommended this forum to me, would catch my post about her! We had a good laugh about it tonight at a family gathering...and agreed that we are grateful our freshman year of college is WAY behind us!

Shaya: I was at Tech 88-92/West AJ/PiPhi- how about you?

Heavens: thanks for an interesting post!