I just want to make one quick point. I may be misreading this, but mah seems to assume that because a student leaves their first school, they will automatically be going to a school close to home. That is most definitely not the case. Obviously, many students leave one school (large or small) that's "away" from home and transfer to another that's also "away". A transfer often has to do with the first choice school, not with the fact that the student is away from home.

As for the small school-large school thing....I really think it depends on the student. My daughter had her heart set on a small school (smaller than her high school) and is very happy with her choice. My son wants nothing to do with a small school. He's very into college sports. And I'm sure he'll be happier at a large school with a good sports program.

Okay, I know that was two points!

I don't understand how these threads tend to get so argumentative and nit-picky. My posts, which I thought were benign and attempted to be helpful, were based soley on my experiences (which I prefaced each post by saying). The people I know and knew shaped these experiences. In none of my posts did I intend to convey or indicate that people that transfer from college or move home are second class citizens. I was merely conveying to the OP that in my experiences as a relatively recent college graduate (and law school graduate), those who did not like my school transferred, and those same people tended to transfer home.

Going away to college for me and many other people was an extremely positive experience. I went to college 4 hours away from my parents. However, those fours were worlds away from what my experience would have been had I not went away. I think I can speak to this issue b/c the summer after my freshman year of college I took 2 classes at another university near my parent's house.

My thesis in my posts has been that going somewhere unfamiliar, although at times uncomfortable, will often make one a better and more well-rounded person. "Often" is the key word. Clearly, if your son or daughter is living with a serial killer then they should change roommates or dorms. But changing that may dramatically alter one's perception of a school. We are all shaded by our various life experiences. Mine causes me to suggest to the OP that perhaps her daughter may want to look at various other ways to change her current situation at UCSB (e.g., honors program, different dorm, different roommate, getting involved in various clubs/activities), that are less drastic than changing schools.

Clearly if we had known he was going to be charged with murder 9 years later, it would have all been so much easier. It's always so clear cut 9 years later.

He lost his job, he lost his dorm. He was constantly surrounded with controversy as RA etc. committee all got involved. It was too tense to explain.

I'm sorry I made him stay that year and I'm sorry I made him stay the next.

He was much happier in the school he graduated from- small and with friends across many fields of study.

He was just as happy with a big school he attended for his Grad. school specialty.

I don't really disagree with you mah1980, not with your conclusions anyway- but I do with the last couple of sentences of your original post. It's a prejudice that is common. It's not nit picking, nor were the others who posted after I did.

"I think you need to just let your daughter give it more time."

Sorry, mah1980, but that's what you said.

We understand you feel you can give advice (we were all young once, too); we merely question whether you, without having kids or knowing the SPECIFIC kid in question, can possibly make that kind of statement.

If there's a major theme running through this entire thread is how impossible it is to absolutely, positively know exactly what to do in any scenario because no darn kid came with operating instructions. The consequences of wrong moves on our parental part may be irrevocable. The two worst possible outcomes are to have a child who never grows up or one who feels so responsible for his inability to fit in that he takes his own life. Which one would you choose, mah1980?

Case in point: friend has daughter who just shows up at home four weeks after start of school--place where she got major scholarship. Mom, a teacher, is appalled. Sends kid to guidance counselor, who also happens to be relative and who also happens to be guy all of us teachers think is the best thing going. She calls me; we are agreed: kid needs to tough it out!

Kid comes back into the house. Mother says, "So when are you going back?" Kid says, "Never." "Didn't Cousin so-and-so tell you that everyone has adjustments?" "Nope--he asked me a bunch of questions and said you might want to talk to him."

Friend calls Cousin the Guidance Counselor. "What's wrong with you?" she asks. "This kid has got to get adjusted!" Guidance Counselor says, "You have two choices as I see it...you have your kid home where she's walking and talking to you or you have her home in a body bag. Your choice."

Gulp.

He has some ten-point scale thingy that he does when dealing with unhappy teens, and he quickly made assumption scenario was going to be ugly fast. My friend is really upset with him, but she does accept his advice.

So...yeah, it's not pretty. Kid has a six-month adjustment. She sleeps in for awhile. (Mother calls Cousin the Guidance Counselor and is a tad sarcastic with him but he stands firm on his advice). Then kid gets part-time job. Then she takes some local classes. She doesn't go back to elite LARGE school with her HONORS program where she got elite scholarship. And her life is ruined? No.

After visiting five more campuses, she found place where she felt at home as soon as she stepped foot on campus. She found the love of her life there and obtained her fabulous career there. She now lives five hours away from Mommy and Daddy (nope, no separation problem) while happy with hubby and precocious four-year-old as she earns promotion after promotion.

It's not the scenario we would have chosen; it's just the one that worked with her.

Cassandra said it all with her statement: "The kid who gets through freshman year without some crisis is the exception, but the definition of the "fix" is highly variable -- depending on kid, college, problem."

Wow! This is getting a little too heavy for me. I don't have children, but I don't think the OP has a child but instead has a daughter that is at least 18 years old. The person who knows best is the parent and student, but the OP was looking for feedback from others. Since middle aged people on this forum seem to be spot on and more suited to give advice on this subject than a youngster such as myself (despite the fact that many have probably been out of college for as long as I've been alive),I will now gracefully bow out before there is any more generational warfare.

I don't understand how this thread got so spooky, with talks of suicide, etc. I think this may be beyond the scope of this forum.

And just because I was extremely careful NOT to be heavy with Heavens the OP, let me tell you- because I AM the Counsel and I perhaps may do the testing. And I still did not recognize all the problems of my OWN kid and how he was REALLY coping.

Because you see, big impersonal places do have a high body bag count. And also people who might just go MIA with few noticing as far as their education OR growth goes.

There isn't any one way to fix this for sure, maybe not even ten. Maybe with 50 young people there will be at least 15 to 30 different ways.

mah1980, you're opinions are indeed valuable because, as you said, you are closer in age to Heaven's daughter than the rest of us...well most of the rest of us.

If you have children one day, you will quite quickly come to understand that whether your child is 8, 18, 26 or 40, they are still, and will always be, your child. Parents struggle to let their children make their own decisions and grow up. Often we may not think they make the best decisions, but we have to let them make mistakes so they will learn from them. The trick is letting them make mistakes which will not harm them permanently. Sometimes it's very hard, and that's how it is for Heavens right now. We never stop feeling responsible and our hearts ache when our children are hurting, no matter how old they are. There isn't one correct answer to Heavens' problem. They have to find the way that is best for them.

I feel for Heavens. I had adjustment problems my first semester at college too. Was it right for me, was this the right place, am I studying for the right career and so on and on.

I sort of knew the area I wanted to study and I had wild ideas about changing majors to something that wasn't right for me because of adjustment issues (maybe it was in the if I'm going to fail, fail big time). I also had roommate issues. At the time I could pay a supplement for a single room. That was a big help. Look into that option.

And then I know about how far away some kids are when they go away to school. At least Heavens can go for a visit or child can return home for a weekend.

Good luck with this.

Long thead and since Mrs Kal and I are DINKs, quite interesting to find out there is such a phenomena.

Has anyone metioned a guy named Harlan Cohen?
Heard him on the radio recently discussing this subject.

He wrote a book "The Naked Roommate" and has a website with forums for students and parents.
Sorry if mentioned already.

Looks like an interesting site, thanks Kal!

Here is another helpful site for parents who want to know more about the reality and not the marketing of a school or area.

Many of these stats are kept quite out of the regular rhelm of parent and/or student reading agendas.

http://ope.ed.gov/security/search.asp

You can check the actual statistics of your designated college or university here.

OMG, thanks once again Fodorites for ALL help and suggestions. The diverse perspectives on this issue are very helpful.

Basically at this time we are just trying to hold our ground. We want her to stay, she is adament to leave after fall quarter. We have discussed why she should stay until we are blue in the face, with each other, our friends, and our daughter. But ultimately, it appears, the choice is up to her. She has stated that if we should "force" her to stay there it would impossible for her. Uh, OK, then.

She has made good grades, 92 and 86 on mid terms. She is very proud of those scores and feels that it should show she isn't trying to sabotage the college experience. We only have about a month left, so we are praying that she will think this through very carefully before she makes the "final decision".

Both Mr. H and I feel that being a parent and doing our job well is one of the, if not the, hardest thing we have had to do in our combined 100 years. So there you have it.

I mean this when I say we are truly grateful for you honesty, your experiences, your help and your time. You have really helped us to see many sides of this very huge issue. God bless you all.

Have been enjoying this thread.

From my own observations, it seems like kids who were popular in high school have a harder time adjusting to college because that cocoon is gone. They want to be home on weekends with the comfortable old friends. I was somewhat of an opposite. The only thing my parents allowed was school activities -- no socializing, no phone calls, no going to each other's homes, no fun whatsoever. It was nearly a prison. To break free and be 6 hours away was exactly what I needed. I was so happy to find people to have fun with.

This thread reminds me of when my friend's daughter started college 10 years ago. They told the parents that dorm life has become more difficult because these are kids who have never had to share a room before. My friend chuckled because in her college days of the late '60s, four women would share a 1BR apartment with two double beds.

Heavens, good to hear back from you as I was afraid some of the comments had given you so much cause for alarm you were afraid to read any more.

Most young adults are very resourceful and it's certainly to your daughter's credit (and yours) that she has done so well this term.

Good luck with finding a solution to her unhappiness, whether it's in a new college or perhaps a semester abroad, even taking more high school credits.

There are all kinds of choices for all of you!

Heavens: yes it was good to hear from you again. Here is a recent situation: my sons friend left college after one year; she wanted to leave after one semester, but parents "encouraged" her to stay when she did not want to - she is home now, and working for my company part time while she figures it out, takes some extra courses at a local college at night, etc. - she is a lovely girl, intelligent, kind, just wasn't experiencing a comfortable fit at the college she chose, so she is researching otions and figuring it out - Your daughters grades are impressive, she certainly is applying herself academically; yet if she is still unhappy in general, and can't switch the roomate, and can't find her niche, then the question becomes, why make her stay? I wouldn't want to stay in an unhappy situation. It doesn't necessarily mean she is not trying. Perhaps it just truly isn't the right fit. Not the end of the world. When jobs aren't the right fit, we look for new ones. When college isn't the right fit, we look for a new experience - a semester or year off isn't the worst thing. time to reflect and perhaps make a better choice than the first go around. As an adult, I wouldn't want anyone to make me stay in a situation I wasn't comfortable in. Thank God we have choices. Life is too precious to be unhappy if we can change that.
Everyone finds their own path, their own way, in their own time. With all your love and support, she will find her way. I think you are doing an excellent job of supporting her and discussing her many options and helping her figure out her next step.
Remember when they were little and many mothers worried about who is walking first, talking first, gave up their pacifier, was toilet trained, etc....and yet they all got on the bus for first grade toilet trained and without their pacifier and talking, walking, etc....everyone at their own pace. Same to me with college; at their own pace and with their own "match" - We are all unique individuals and nowhere is it written that every high school senior must go immediately to college and whether they like it or not stay there - life is full of wonderful options. choosing a different option or different path for awhile, to me, doesn't mean failure - it means knowing yourself and doing what is good for you. Just keep the lines of communication open and help her find what will make her happy. It's heartbreaking for us when our kids are not happy - as long as you let her know your goal is the same as hers - to be somewhere where she is happy and engaged in her education and all that goes with it - she will know she has your support in finding her way.

Very sage advice and very well put, escargot.

Thanks Escargot. Your post is very well put and very much how we feel in the big picture. If this is how things must be, so be it. We just want her to be sure that she did all she could to make it work, that we, as parents, did all we could to make it work. We all have to live with this decision, once it is made.

It is a huge decision, especially for an 18 year old. So, our job, we feel is to make sure that she has considered ALL possibilities before she cuts the ties from the "Big U" and all of the resources that go with it. Once she cuts the ties, she can never go back. It will be final. We need her to understand this, the gravity of her decision. We want to be sure that she doesn't look back the rest of her life and wonder "what if". Her decision, as her Dad and I see it, has been a bit hasty. But she is sticking to it. She is determined. We are going to be OK, whatever way it goes. She is a smart kid with goals. So, as time goes on, we are adjusting to plan B. Thanks Escargot for your thoughts and help.

Very well said, Escargot! Heavens, hang in there! Your daughter sounds like someone who is very capable and also strong. These qualities will serve her well in whatever path she takes.

Yes, you are all communicating well. And you, Heavens and your husband are doing a hard job, well.

good for you, heavens, to be such a caring parent!