On a Delta flight from Brussels to JFK, three families of six - what looked like a small village with carry-ons like I've never seen - boarded at the last minute. During the flight they were out of their seats, going up and down the aisles and standing in front of the movie screen. I saw some flight attendants in tears at not being able to control the situation and one who lost her cool and yelled at them. Even someone from the cockpit came back to try to get them to sit down. When we landed at JFK the pilot came on the PA system saying, " It will take about twenty minutes for us to get to the gate. FAA rules say that if anyone gets out of their seats during this time we will have to go back to Brussels and try again." (They stayed in their seats.)

On our way home from Europe, we flew, pretty much all day, in an effort to get Home. On the last leg of the flight, the Captain came on the PA and said, 'Ladies, and Gentleman, if you notice, the air is a little cleaner, and sweeter, it is because, we are now in the Great State of Texas' everyone cheered. <BR>Incindentally, he had a thick, Texas accent. <BR>I will always remember that. <BR>

Cross-threading here from the Monty Python one: Have any of you seen the airplane sketch from John Cleese's "How to Irritate People"? It is, I think, the funniest thing I have ever seen on film; it's all about pilot announcements.

Remembered another one - somewhat off topic but nonetheless a memorable flying experience. <BR> <BR>I was flying Air BC (also known as "Scare BC") a float plane from Vancouver to Victoria Harbour. I sat down in my window seat, and the window proceeded to fall in on me. All of it - there was a wide gaping hole in the aircraft. The flight attendant went up to the cockpit to ask the Pilot to assess the situation. He came over to my seat, picked up the window and its housing, and with his fist pounded it back in place and pronounced it "fine". Off we went.

On a flight from SFO to Las Vegas on United got into a pretty bad storm just before landing. We almost landed, but they have closed the airport and our plane was diverted to Ontario. While this was happening the place was hit by lightning twice. <BR>Once we landed in Ontario they asked everyone out so that "technical personnel can inspect the aircraft". We were sitting in the waiting area and observed the technical personal "inspecting" the aircraft: a guy with a duct tape and a brush lefted himself on a platform to the nose of the plane. He then affixed a peice of duct tape and carefully brushed it off, lowered himself and went on his business. In a few minutes we've heard on PA an annoncement that "technical personnel has cleared the aircraft" and they will take us to Las Vegas now. <BR>

An American shuttle from LaGuardia to Toronto was scheduled to leave around 4:30 PM, but takeoff was delayed because of weather patterns between the two cities. At around 7:30, the pilot came on the PA (again), and began his announcement with a sigh. Then he said, "Ladies and gentlemn, I guess I should update you, but at this point I don't know anything more about the situation than you do." Big laugh in the cabin. Not much laughter when we returned to the gate at 8:30 after they shut down LaGuardia (for the night) because of approaching thunderstorms. We found ourselves in the (closing) food court, scrambling to find something to eat alongside Peter Jennings. <BR> <BR>In June, on a Continental flight from NYC to SFO, the pilot introduced himself by playing a really cheesy recording from Austin Powers. Even the flight attendants were rolling their eyes.

A military pilot friend sent these to me. Enjoy! <BR>The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airliners and <BR>control towers from around the world: <BR> <BR>Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." <BR> <BR>Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, <BR>after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the <BR>runway." <BR> <BR>Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; <BR>did you copy the report from Eastern?" <BR> <BR>Continental 635:"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we <BR>copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." <BR>************ <BR> <BR>O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one <BR>o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound." <BR> <BR>United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that <BR>Fokker in sight." <BR>************ <BR> <BR>The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground <BR>control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing: <BR> <BR>Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the <BR>active runway." <BR>Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!" <BR>The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop. <BR>Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?" <BR>Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location <BR>now." <BR>Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?" <BR> <BR>Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing. <BR>I didn't stop." <BR>************ <BR>I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, <BR>Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. <BR>This was the conversation overheard (I don't recall call signs any longer): <BR> <BR>Lufthansa (i German):"Ground, what is our start clearance time?" <BR> <BR>Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English." <BR> <BR>Luft (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. <BR>Why must I speak English?" <BR> <BR>Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer): "Because you lost the bloody war!" <BR>************ <BR>During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made <BR>a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going?. I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there. I know it's difficult to <BR>tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right". <BR> <BR>Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting <BR>hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to <BR>sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can <BR>expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to <BR>go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got <BR>that, US Air 2771??" <BR> <BR>The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am". <BR> <BR>Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the <BR>verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate <BR>ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of <BR>the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?" <BR>

A friend of mine swears that the following is true: <BR> <BR>On a flight from L.A. to Baltimore, the pilot, a female, made this announcement. "I am Captain ---, and my crew is ---,---,---, and --- (all female names). On THIS flight, at least, ladies and gentlmen, we will NOT refer to the area in front of the plane as the COCKPIT!"

In that spirit: On our recent trip to Chicago, I was listening to good ol' Channel 9 on United's in-flight audio system, which is the link to the pilot's communication with ground control/tower, etc. As we approached O'Hare, I heard the controller giving instructions for landing to various craft, who seemed to be landing at about 20-second intervals. Repeatedly, I heard (don't remember exact flight numbers but anyway): "American 770 cleared for landing runway 4L, make that 4R" "Delta 342 cleared for landing runway 14L, make that 14R." <BR> <BR> Eventually I heard her clear our flight UA 271 for landing "runway 14 R, make that 4R" but I wasn't worried about our pilot getting confused because he'd been instructed to approach 4R all along. But I had to wonder if he was chuckling when, minutes later when we were just a few feet above the approach lights at the end of the runwy, she said "United 271, in case I didn't already tell you that, you're cleared to land runway 4R." <BR>

from Reader's Digest <BR>"Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a delay in takeoff because the machine that tears the handles off your luggage is out of order, and the employees must do this by hand".

One from my mom from years ago...... <BR>After an aborted take off, the captain came on and said "Sorry about that folks but we had a warning light come on. It seems to have gone off now, so we're gonna try again!" <BR>Off they went......!

As my Valujet plane was beginning to gain speed on the runway for liftoff, the flight attendents all joined in and sang, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....I know I can, I know I can, I know I can...." Thank goodness we made it, but knowing how old those planes were, the joke wasn't exactly comforting. <BR> <BR>During the time of the O.J. trials, the verdict was expected at anytime. The pilot made an announcment, "The jury just came back with a verdict in the Simpson trial.........Oh, would you all like to know the outcome......O.J. Simpson was found not guilty."

Great thread. Brings to mind a story I heard recently. <BR>The passengers on a plane are waiting for their flight to leave when two men, both wearing dark glasses, dressed in pilot uniforms, walk up the aisle. One is being led by a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men go into the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers are all looking around for some sign that this is just a little practical joke, but there is none. As the plane moves faster and faster down the runway, the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off and will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, <BR>"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die." <BR>True story. <BR>Really!! <BR <BR>&gt; &gt; <BR>&gt; &gt; <BR>

I am LMAO at some of these announcements. Mine isn't funny - but amusing. My husband and I were flying back to Phila. the same night as game 7 of the Bucks-76ers series. About 10 mins before we landed the pilot came onto the PA and said "just wanted to let all you 76er fans know that they have just beaten the Bucks XX to XX" (can't rememnber the score. The whole plane shook with the cheers!

Small, really small town in Alberta Canada. Lined up to check in onto a small aircraft. The lady at check-in counter got all our boarding passes done etc. and the man there in his coveralls loaded the luggage into the plane. When everyone had checked in and the flight was ready to go, the woman pulled down the "closed" sign on the station, the man unbuttoned and took off his coveralls and she became the flight attendant and he became the pilot! Scary!

Provincetown, MA: Small airport, waiting area. A slender young woman in brief, disheveled uniform, blouse loose, hair flying, chewing and cracking gum is on the phone at the check-in desk, standing on one foot with the other out of her shoe and tucked into her knee. <BR> <BR>"Ok, so that's a mushroom and a pepperoni with green peppers? Good. You get beer? Good. K. See ya." <BR> <BR>She hung up the phone, went out to the plane, checked it all over, and got into the cockpit and put on her headphones.

Not a pilot, but a flight attendent, during the usual spiel, obviously trying to get our attention: "....In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, masks will drop.... If you are traveling with a small child or someone who just acts like one, please put on your own mask first and then...."

A couple of true ones. <BR>My mother, who was afraid of flying in the first place, was taking off in Boston to visit us in Ca when one of the engines fell off of the wing. The pilot announced "We have had a small technical problem and will be returning to the gate." (She did eventually make it. <BR>When flying to Seattle, the pilot, my brother in law at the time announced that the fuel consumption used during the flight would fuel a Volkswagen to drive from New York to LA xx times(forgot how many he said.) <BR>He also told me that on a number of multi leg flights he, the first and second officers would have a bet that the roughest landing would have to buy them all dinner. <BR>Art <BR>

Last week we pulled to the side and let other planes proceed to the runway for 40 minutes while the pilot "took care of some paperwork". We wondered if he was in the bathroom.

Delta flight from Los Angeles to Hong Kong. Strong winds that day. The pilot announced: We're going to spend a little extra time on the ground to add more fuel so we'll have a BETTER CHANCE of reaching Hong Kong."