Okay, I don't know what to do about this so maybe all of you can give me some advice. Okay here it goes... Two years ago, on my last europe trip to germany and italy, my husband and I, along with our teenage sons, brought along my brother. He paid his own airfare, and food and other incidentals, but for the most part we wound up paying his hotel rooms. Although, it was agreed upon that he would pay for his hotel bill, but never did. When it came time to pay the bill I saw him scurry into the bathroom and come out after the bill was paid. How convienent!! Now for the issue, should I invite him again on my trip in september, on the one hand he is my only brother, who recently told me that if it wasn't for me, he would not travel (its not because of money that he doesn't travel,but has put more of an importance on buying material objects), but, on the other hand, he did not pay for the hotel and I can't afford to be paying for his hotel bill either. I just don't know what to do. I can't lie to him and tell him I am not going on a trip , so what should I do??? any advice would be of help..

You could sidestep the issue by saying that this time you are doing prepaid hotel rooms, and he will need to book and pay for his room.

Or you could say that you are using your credit card to book at X hotel - so he will need to make his booking there at well.

It's likely better if your reservations aren't linked in any way.

Maybe you should mention to your brother that paying for his hotel rooms the last time was an unpleasant, unexpected expense.

But then again why invite him? Just tell him you are going on the trip.

<< ...you should mention to your brother that paying for his hotel rooms the last time was an unpleasant, unexpected expense... >>

You don't come out and state clearly - - did he, in some way, share a hotel room with you and your family?

How was it that the expense of meals was apportioned, but the hotel expense was not?

There are enablers, and there are enablees...

I think we know which you and your brother are. What about your husband?

Best wishes,

Rex

First of all - Why didn't you ask him to pay way back then? Just because he ducked into the loo - he eventually came out again. I never understand why folks let things like this fester w/o dealing w/ them.

I would have told him "OK, Bro - we just paid the bill. your share is €95. I can show you where the ATM is?" He couldn't get away w/o paying unless you allowed it. There is always the chance he though you were treating since you paid the bill.

Since you wimped out last time - this time is trickier. If you like traveling w/ him - then do what WillTravel suggested - pre-pay and have him book his own rooms.

I winced because I thought MaddieAstrid returned with her family horror stories.

Why do you ask strangers about your personal problems? It's so ridiculous that adults cannot directly speak to each other, especially siblings! The minute we point out that he's a jerk and you're a wimpy baby you will deny it and get mad at us, so please grow up and make your own family decisions. Wait a minute, you have TEENAGE SONS? At first, I thought you were newlyweds or something, but sheesh, you're pushing 40 and babbling like a teen. Get a grip here and quit complaining.

My brother pulled something like this on us and we just decided to not invite him on trips anymore. But you should handle this however you feel the most comfotable. If he wants to travel and doesn't want to travel alone, there are lots of tourgroups he could join (where he would have to pay for all of his own expenses.) No reason for you to feel guilty. I remember reading something in Ann Landers that fits this situation perfectly:
"If someone takes advantage of you once, shame on them. If they take advantage of you twice, shame on you!"

Orzini: you got good advice all around. I agree with those who've said you should have said something right away.

Or...you can just be up front and tell him you can't afford to spot him for all his hotel stays like the last time because you simply cannot afford to do so. That is, if you have invited him again for this trip.

Otherwise, I'd just tell him that your family is going on a trip. If he invites himself, then mention the above.

Have a good trip. I see you're planning for Switzerland this time around. I'd be interested in hearing what you come up with as I'm also planning on Switzerland (Geneva specifically), but in June.

Honestly I feel that your brother has found a way to travel and have you pay for what he doesn't wish to pay for. If you fall for his sob story then include him again, but you'll know what to expect this time.

We have gone on a few trips with my MIL when we're back in the US and we have always paid her hotel room - BUT she was staying in the room with our kids!! We have to pay for 2 rooms anyway - so there really isn't any extra cost.

However, this last 8-day trip - in addition to paying for the hotel (quite pricey), we also ended up paying for almost every meal (including every dinner) and most admission/entrance fees. While I wasn't happy about it - I just smiled, drank more wine, and realized that she only gets to see the kids for such a short time in the summer....moaning about an extra few hundred dollars wasn't worth it.

So - if you enjoy having your brother along as a travel companion - then certainly inform him of your trip, but you need to be very clear that he is responsible for all his costs. And make sure the hotel reservations are in separate names so you get separate bills - minimizing the chance of you getting stuck with his.

If he only travels because of you, obviously he's just not into traveling.
I don't understand why you paid for his room while he was in the restroom.
Apparently, you didn't mind all that much. When and if he suggests he wants to come with you then tell him he still owes you for the last time.
And quit being so quick with your CC, for goodness sakes! He's an adult.

http://winace.andkon.com/pics/dnftt.jpg

Well, there is inconsistency in dates of travel between this post (Sept) and her other post (March)...

haha.. nothing to add to the OP (its all been said very nicely).. but i'm just wondering mcnyc.. is that the Fodor-icon for 'troll'? If not, it should be. lol

If this is a troll, then please tell us what the "Fodor-icon" is for the people who bite??????

I used to be such a pushover on stuff like this and my brother was always taking advantage of that. We never traveled together (and perhaps never will), but I finally got sick of it and said "Listen, this is BS. Either you do A B and C or I just can't do this anymore." And he totally got the picture and wisened up. I mean, it is your brother. Are you afraid of him? I would present it jokingly. . . something like "Hey, you can totally come! But, remember how you never paid for a hotel last time? No go for this trip."

first of all, I do or did not "air my dirty laundry" on this website (fidel). I just wanted to know others opinions maybe someone had similiar situation that could offer helpful advice about traveling with others. It can be a problem maybe its not a widespread problem but that doesn't mean it can't be discussed. Isn't that the whole point of a message board...
thanks for all your advice

I'm big on the straight-forward approach myself. Here's two ideas:

#1- If you want him to come along, invite him, and clearly state he needs to pay his own hotel bill this time (emphasising "since we both realize you were unable for whatever reason to follow-thru on the arrangement last time & i don't want it to become a problem between us or create awkward feelings"... something like that.

#2- Stay at less expensive hotels and you decide you *can* afford to spring for his room. Again this would be made clear and agreed upon by all parties before the trip.

re-reading, I'm feeling bad about my comment. I didn't mean to imply that I thought you were a troll, orzini. IMHO you can def ask your question, and have gotten good advice. I was just commenting on the cute green 'smiley' and think it would be a good icon for trolls... for the future.

My main question, which you really didn't address:

Do you want your brother to come on your trip?

If yes, then figure something out. If no, remind yourself, you are not responsible for whether he gets to travel or not - he is.

orzini, you wrote that your brother places more importance on buying material things as opposed to spending his money on travelling, and that he wouldn't tavel if not for you taking him.

We all make choices about where to spend our money and obviously he'd rather not spend his on trips... but he seems happy to go when you are footing (at least part of) the bill.

So... either you have to tell him to reorganize his priorities and save some $$ to pay his share when going with you, or leave him at home to buy cars, or stereo equipment, or clothes or whatever material things he'd rather spend on.