Please help

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Jan 8th, 2005, 04:56 PM
  #1
davsaz
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Please help

I am home right now and my husband has spent the whole day berating me, belitting me and accusing me of saying things I didn't say, and that I am crazy. I don't know where to turn. Can anyone recommend a link. Everything he does is reflective of what I have read about the emotionally abusive spouse. I try to stand up for myself but he says that he will drive me to to a doctor for help. He twists things around. Please, can anyone help?
 
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Jan 8th, 2005, 06:18 PM
  #2
 
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Well , I actually double checked to see if this was your first post , perhaps some kind of Troll post . Perhaps not . You need to contact a friend , your minister , family etc. I feel badly for you , but we are strangers on a travel site , not suited to give the best advice in this area . I am sure a general net search would yeild lots of advice . Good Luck , Faith
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Jan 8th, 2005, 06:32 PM
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Wow, if this is for real, I would be looking for the exits. There is no way anyone deserves treatment like that. Some men like to demoralize their women so they feel superior, or perhaps he's using it as a front for extra-curricular activities with other women. Be careful, you must take care of yourself first. Life is too short to be unhappy. Good Luck!
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Jan 8th, 2005, 07:09 PM
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I had to read your post several times. I too read some of your previous posts. Apparently you have teenage kids and I am sorry you are so unhappy. NO ONE should be this unhappy. I don't think any of us here are qualified to recommend anything along this line. You need to talk to someone quick. You sound very desperate and I wish one of us could tell you the right thing to do. My first reaction was to say get the hell out of there!
I hope you find what you need. Do not stay in an abusive relationship. It is not good for your children either. (even if it is just you getting the abuse) Your daughters will assume that is the way they should be treated. Too much said already. I felt compelled to respond, but you definitely need to talk to a friend, parent, professional person, etc.. best wishes...
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Jan 8th, 2005, 07:26 PM
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When I was very young, I was married to a man who said I was the one who needed help.

I agreed to speak with a psychiatrist with the stipulation that he would have to go too - separately.

The doctor told me that yes I was crazy - crazy to stay in an abusive unhealthy relationship that was clearly wrong for me.

It gave me the strength to leave, and I have been deliriously-happily married for 15 years to my soulmate found after I left my ex.

Counseling will help you find your strength and your path. We'll be thinking of you...

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Jan 8th, 2005, 08:19 PM
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I also was married to a very abusive man (well he was 22, I was 20) He verbally abused me, berated me, called me names, but in front of people, he treated me like a princess. No one knew my secret, until the one day he hit me. I ran to the bedroom, locked myself in, and he proceded to try to knock the door down. When he could not he got a tool of some kind and swore to me when he got in he would F****g kill me. Luckily, my puse was in the room, I climed out the 2nd story window, onto the roof of the garage and got the hell out. I was afraid to tell my family, so i slept in the car in a church parking lot that night. I left with the clothes on my back and a nickel in my wallet, and never looked back. I had to borrow the money for a divorce....

Anyway, that 1 year marriage was a long time ago, but I refused to be treated that way and knew I was not born to be someone's whipping post

The link is this....your spirit. Get out of that house. There is no proving him wrong, or standing up for yourself in his eyes. I am sure he thinks you are crazy- he is sick not you, this is your life, not your life for someone to mistreat you. You deserve to be respected and loved.

PS, After leaving my first husband I had a wonderful life. I travelled, experienced different careers, which would not have been allowed, and after 15 years of being single, I got married for the 2nd time to a wonderful man. All of which would not have happeded if I decided to stay with my first husband.

Your life is waiting.........you be the "selfish crazy one" this time.
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Jan 9th, 2005, 10:01 AM
  #7
davsaz
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Thank you. I am sorry for posting on this board, but o, this was not a troll or a joke...I frequent these boards and as well as a college search board...but I knew my husband would never read this board, or the DR topic.Thank you to those who have replied....I know what you have said is the right course, and it has alway been in the back of my mind. I just need to get things in order to leave. Thank you so much for sharing your stories...it gives me stength and conviction.
 
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Jan 9th, 2005, 10:31 AM
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Remind yourself that you deserve to be treated well , life is so short . you know the correct path to follow I am sure , it takes strength . Be strong . Faith
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Jan 9th, 2005, 11:57 AM
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I have worked in a counselling centre with many women (and a few men) in your situation.

Friends, family and pastors are all very well to talk to, but the best and most understanding and help will come from those who have been there, know what it takes, and can answer (or ask) some very practical questions.

For example, how do you prepare to leave emotionally and financially ? Where do you go that first night ? Do you take your kids with you or not ? What about future child custody - how do you beat the charge of 'abandonment' if you leave them behind or 'failing to provide the necessities of life' if you take them with you ? What information and evidence should you compile before you leave regarding family assets, so you don't lose everything in the divorce ? How are you going to support yourself ? What will your 'story' be for family and friends ? And so on.

Does your community have a women's centre, an interval house (shelter for abused women) or similar resource ? Call them first and ask for referrals to the services and support networks you will need. They will respect your confidence and you will find strength in the fact that you are not alone...as you are already finding out from the other responses to your question on this board.




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Jan 9th, 2005, 12:18 PM
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I don't mean to seem harsh, but IF harsh will save your life, I'll risk it.

If your husband is as controlling as he seems to be, you can bet your LIFE that he is reading these posts.

Four own sake and for your children...get out now.

This is not an appropriate forum to ask for help...yet many women have been forthcoming in sharing their pain. But it'a not our job...it's your's.

If you're smart enough to compose a message here, you're smart enough to know where more immediate help might be available.

Don't let those who have reached out to you worry about your safety. IF we don't hear from you again...what are we to think ? Only YOU can make the right choice. I pray that you will.

Marion

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Jan 10th, 2005, 03:41 AM
  #11
davsaz
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I want to thank everyone for their concern. I am not in immediate danger. I have been in this "emotionally abusive" relationship for close to 20 years. We actually have a meeting with a counselor slated for Tuesday evening. I think I just needed confirmation by outside sources that leaving is probably the best thing to do. (I spent Xmas '03 with out him, New Years 03-04 without him, and I ate Thanksgiving dinner this year by myself. He and the kids had dinner with his family. I am strong, financially secure (well, sort of) and I spoke with a friend that went through similar stuff.I am going through...
Please don't be suprised If you see me posting in the future about vacations. As of now, I have airline tickets to Barbados next summer (I can go with the kids and not him). I am going to take this one step at a time. (thanks for the info on child "abondonment", I hadn't thought about that....I visited a realtor yesterday, and found out what my options are for leasing a condo, and breaking a lease...if need be. I also searched out condos that are on the market for sale. I am trying to put this all into perspective so that it is done properly. I appreciate everyone who replied. From each message, I gained new insight and advice. I will be OK. He is not violent. I have sat down with my daughters and explained that this is not how a wife should be treated...so I think the message is getting across to them. My oldest will be off to college next year....
Thank you all and I apologize once again for posting this on a travel message board....it's just that I was so depressed Saturday evening, and I needed to reach out to someone. You are all wonderful.
 
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Jan 10th, 2005, 03:51 AM
  #12
 
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While you say that you are sure he will not read this post - be really careful. If he feels things are getting out of his control, he may feel the need to "spy" on you - watch your computer, cell phone, etc. records and histories.
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Jan 10th, 2005, 04:03 AM
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You have no need to apologize to any of us , Sounds like you are taking the right steps . Good Luck , and be happy . Faith
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Jan 10th, 2005, 10:13 AM
  #14
 
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Yes No need to apologize. We all wish you the best of luck and a happier future.
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Jan 10th, 2005, 10:59 AM
  #15
 
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Dearest davsaz, please email me at [email protected], I have some information for you that will help. Hang in there!
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Jan 10th, 2005, 12:41 PM
  #16
 
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To davsaz...

It's the harsh voice of reason here again.

I think you should change your screen name, and/or stop posting here for awhile.

Your posts bring out the best in some...but they also bring out some of the *crazy ones*.

Fodor's is a public forum, and as such they cannot control who might access your information...let alone who might read what you have said.

I urge you to take care and be careful....and to seriouslly consider answering to any private email address. You simply do not know who might want to help and who might be dangerous.

This was written with concern and care...not as judgement.

Marion
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Jan 10th, 2005, 01:15 PM
  #17
 
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This thread is a testimony of how many genuinely caring people there really are in our world! No advise from me, as the previous posts have given excellent guidance. My favorite was, "Your life is waiting." What a powerful statement.
God bless you as you see your way through your situation.
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Jan 11th, 2005, 06:10 PM
  #18
 
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davsaz, I hope you know how to delete items in your history file so he can't track where you've been on the net. Also, if he's really into investigation there is software that allows someone to read even deleted files. Please be careful. I worry if he gets wind you are leaving you may see a side of him you don't want to see.

You don't need to apologize for posting, I hope we were helpful. I know all of us wish you the best and the new dawn of your life coming soon.

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