Funniest Thing Heard Someone Say While Traveling Anywhere

We were staying on a farm in the lake districe in England and another guest asked us if we knew when we booked the rooms that we would not be in town!!

While in The Alamo in San Antonio, the man (American) behind us asked his companion, "now who was it that died here?"

At the registration desk for the mule ride down into the Grand Canyon a person asked:

"Is there a meal car on the Mule Train?"

Overheard in the Maui airport: A traveler who was mildly irritated about the lack of timely delivery of his luggage exclaimed, "oh shooty-darn." We use this term frequently now at our house and have to hold our sides from laughing so much. Maybe you had to be there....

Texan in front of beautiful Degas masterpiece in Paris museum, steps close to view it, steps back to view it, says to wife, "I don't know, it's still fuzzy to me."

Small country town in Romania in 1973. A young woman on the tourist staff of our hotel befriended us and insisted on showing us around. (More interesting than desk work, and a good chance to practice her English.)

We became quite close over several days and talk eventually touched gingerly on political matters. Looking carefully around the cafe to see who might overhear, she confided to us in a whisper, "I, too, am a revolted one!"

We could not laugh then, because it was obviously a very serious matter, but this has been a catch phrase for us for 30 years.

And another, really my favorite: Tourist overheard on the street in Florence asking local earnestly, "Dove the railroad station?"

A shopkeeper in the Southern Italy resort town was showing me an emerald ring, she kept saying "it is emerald, but hard, hard". I went back in the store everytime I passed to look at the ring, and everytime she said "it is emerald, but hard, hard'.
The last day I was in town, I just had to buy that ring, now whenever I wear it I think it is an emerald, but hard, hard.

Overheard at the Washington Monument, circled by flags whipping smartly in the wind: "How do they get the flags to fly all in the same direction?"

Overheard in a street market near a vendor selling something advertised as the "miracle ironing board...."It's only a miracle if the clothes iron themselves..."

In Seward, Alaska, USA. It was July 2002
A big group of tourists from a cruise ship shoping for gifts and one man asked "Do you take US money?"

Setting: outside the Mezquita mosque in Cordoba, Spain.
Adolescent #1 (to mother): I heard that this was built by the Mormons.
Mother: That was the Moors.
Adolescent #1: Who were they?
Adolescent #2: Something to do with Africa, I think.

I was once stopped outside St Paul's station and asked where the cathedral was!

Admittedly the person did have the grace to look embarrassed when she did as I advised and turned around.

The site of ancient Olympia, 1986, and an old Dutch woman pointed to the broken column drums on the ground and asked, "Are they wheels?"

We lived in Italy when I was a child and we spent month long vacations camping through Europe, usually getting by on what my parents refered to as "Tonto-French" or Tonto-German" since no one spoke anything but phrasebook sentences. One of our favorite family stories was when pulling up for petrol in France my Uncle told the attendant we wanted "Vin litre" (instead of 'Vingt" twenty litre ) and the man looked at him and said 'Monsieur, French men may run on wine, but French cars do not."

In Florence many years ago we were camping. There were an American couple camping next to us. They worked at an Embassy in Spain. My wife asked the woman it they were going to go to the Straw Market. The woman responded that she didn’t really need any straw.

In Amsterdam while taking a canal tour, we were sitting at the rear uncovered part of the boat. There were two English middle class couples sitting next to us. When the guide announced that we were passing by the Anne Frank house, one of the ladies asked the other “I saw, who was Anne Frank?”. The other answered, “I really don’t know, but I think that she wrote a best seller or something”.

This is a most wonderful and amusing thread!

Years ago we were on a day tour of the ruins of an ancient civilization and the tour guide pointed out that they practiced necrophilia. One of the ladies in the group asked one of the men in the group what that was. He said it was having s-x with a dead person. She said oh, how awful. He said oh you get used to it after a while and looked at his wife.

We all laughed so hard that our tour guide wanted to know what was so funny.

Standing in line for the Uffizi in Florence, next to an American couple.

The wife was looking at a picture of one of Michael Angelo's cherubs in her guide book. She said to her husband 'Look, Michael Angelo!’. He replied 'Is that Michael Angelo?'. She said 'No, it's one of his paintings.'

He thought about it for a while before replying 'Michael Angelo? Who is that guy?'

Not funny as in "ha-ha", but funny as in "mighty peculiar":

Upon hearing that my wife is an actor, a German woman asked, "So. Zer are lots of Chews in zee see-a-tre?"

This was in 1994, not 1934.

Not necessarily true, but,

Two couples sharing a table (one couple not native English speakers) and the conversation got onto the topic of children.
English speaker: "Do you have children"?
"Alas, no. My wife is impregnable".
Puzzled look.
"I mean, my wife is inconcievable".

Last June while staying in Beilstein on the Mosel, we made acquaintance with a couple from Hannover. One evening it happened to come up that my wife and I had lived in El Paso, Texas for a while. They had two questions: First, did our cars have to have special tires to drive on the "dirt tracks" in El Paso? Second, how many oil wells did we have and did the pumping noise keep us awake at night?

I wish I had oil wells making such noise.

We were staying at a small hotel in Paris that had a small tour group there. I asked one of the ladies..."S'il vous plait, parle vous anglais." She answered me by saying , "no, I'm from New York".

I did not hear this I said it.

On an early trip to Europe, just getting used to speaking French, we were in Strasbourg. Hotels were in very short supply because the European Parliament was meeting in town. Turned down in a number of hotels I was led by one of the rejecting proprietors to our "last shot".He was kind enough to call ahead to this hotel.

When we arrived the reception desk was surrounded by clamoring young people seeking a room. The proprietor, who resembled a bearded Maurice Chevalier, looked up, saw that we were older folks and beamed you must be the people who I was called about. He gave us his last room, provided invaluable information on where to eat, park, shop, etc.

After dining at a great restaurant he recommended, and having a glass of wine or two, I wanted to thank him in French. When my wife and I returned to the hotel I looked him in the eye and opined: "Monsieur, vous etes tres jolie!" With some aplomb he stepped back allowing me to quickly correct to "Monsieur, vous est tres gentil!"

An American Gentlman at a castle in Germany to the tour guide:
" Now are we in Germany or Austria?"...*sigh*
British B & B owner at breakfast to an elderly American Lady "Madame, would you prefer coffee or tea?"
American Lady: "coke"
B & B Lady(somewhat put out) "I will see if we have any"
American Lady:"And DON'T forget the ice! What DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE AGAINST ICE?"

A while ago, in Toledo, on a tour that took us into El Greco's house where a few of his paintings still hung. Man with wide flowered shorts pseudo-whispering at loud volume to his wife: "Where are the originals? Where are the real paintings?" She kept saying, "shush, Harry, that's the beyooteeful paht of this, that's them!" But he was unconvinced and finally asked the patient tour leader, "Where are the real paintings?" She was confused, so he added, "do you have them in the basement or what?" Pause. "You wouldn't just put them out here for anyone to swipe, would you?" She gave him a short statement about the ability of the Spanish to trust people, and we moved on, while his wife chattered, "see I TOLD you, Harry, that's the beautiful part of it......"
I don't believe the paintings are still hanging in that house, perhaps because of Harry's dire warnings.

Hi
This one is true.
Viennese waiter to American (me).
Would you like coffee?
Yes, danke.
Viennese or American?
What is the difference?
For American coffee, we take 1/2 cup of coffee and add hot water.

Ok, it was ME who said this. I was in Holland and the weather should have been warm but it was cold and windy. I made the comment of "it sure is windy here." In the land of windmills. I gave myself a D'oh for that one.

Powell, could you translate your French statement for the non-French speaking people like me. I'm sure your comments were wonderful.

I'm home today with two sick kiddos... should be on the Australia board planning my trip but thought I'd jump over here for a change. This thread is crackin me up! Y'all just made my day!

Let me help w/Powell's French (which completely cracked me up!):

Vous etes tres jolie = you are very pretty
Vous ets tres gentil = you are very nice, kind.

Loving this thread -- thanks all!

The most stupid thing I heard is what I personaly said. In a beer tent at Oktoberfest I bumped into a very big German man who had about 4 full steins of beer in his hands, and beer spilled all over him. In German I told him what I thought was "I am sorry". He got mad and started threatening me. When I got back to the table with my German friends they told me that what I really said was "that's too bad" and could be taken as an insult. The whole table was laughing at me!

I was filling water bottles up at the spring down the lane from our house in St-Cirq, and a van with several Americans drove up the hill and screeched to a halt. Down came the front windows and out popped a huge head with a cowboy hat. "Look y'all!!! It's a French peasant woman! Hand me the camera!!" And a large guy in Hawaiian shirt, shorts, socks, and sandals jumped out of the car and started filming me with a videocam. The others jumped out and huddled around in a semi-circle watching me pump water and talking about how the kids back home were sure going to be thrilled to see real French peasants on film, and wondering out loud if I had indoor plumbing. I was SO tempted to start talking in English to them, but decided it was better to maintain the charade. My kids still refer to me as a French peasant.

My mother came to the US from Italy and was trying to buy a colander but didn't know the american word for it. After many attempts trying to explain what she wanted, in desparation, she said you know- "Macaroni stop-Water go ahead"!

some of my favorite inflight announcements from southwest airlines:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face."

"If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

At the Citadel in Halifax, Nova Scotia, last summer, the guide was telling us that it was originally built as a defense against the French in the French and Indian War and then was reinforced twice, once in 1774 against the American colonists and again in 1812 against the Americans. An older American man behind me said, "Why in the world would they want to defend themselves against us?"

Not any one thing, per se, but I crack up over the fact that when we're in France, my husband gradually acquires a French accent (when he's speaking English, that is!).

I love "shooty-darn"!! May I borrow it?

I was told that my grandfather who immigrated here from Italy got a construction type job when he first got here...long before he spoke English. One day he was sick and wanted to leave so he said to the foreman, "I'm sick, you go home."

Not the funniest story, but one that has been told many times in my family!

While in Egypt at the oldest Christian church in Cairo, our guide said the church was built in the year 240. Someone asked, "Was that B.C. or A.D.?"
Our guide replied, "It's a Christian church. Think about it."

A conversation I overheard in a cafe in Florence between passengers on a cruise ship in town for the day "The waiter said I was a 3 star passenger on a 5 star ship!"

My daughter got a good laugh over a woman at the Tower of London yesterday who said "Excuse me, Mr. Beefeater!"

St.Cirq, that's my all time favorite Fodorite story - I've actually repeated it many times (but I did like the bit mentioned on an earlier thread where one of them said: "Do you think she lives in that cave?").

While standing in line to get to the desk at the airport one couple joining another man called out "Got everything?'

Answer "Nope couldn't find the wrench haven't got the sink"

An Italian man in Florence asked me if I was American and when I said no that I was from Canada his reply was "No!?! Well why not? You are so close to the Americans anyway! You all should just be Americans it would be easier"

Quite honestly, I still don't know exactly what he meant by that!

On a trip to Paris a few years ago, my wife, my kids and I were all trying to figure out what the familiar-tasting, round white potato-ish looking vegetable on our plate was (in a Lebanese restaurant in the latin quarter). We were all stumped until my wife said "I'm not sure what it is, but it has been soaked in beet juice". Duh, who knew that beets are white not red in real life.

OK, this one is classic.
My co-worker was @ an Oktoberfest celebration getting into the groove, ya know. The waiter then came around and began to drink orders. When it came to her, she calmly asked for...Bud Light!

Texan to his wife in a charming hotel just outside Paris trying to complain because he needed a longer bed to fit his height--but Honey, I cain't talk to these people, they all speak French!

Not heard, but seen. A somewhat chubby pre-teen wearing tie-dyed short shorts with Peace! emblazoned on her rear end. What was her mother thinking when she put those on?

Great thread! Of course you may use "shooty-darn," Elle. We use it all the time at our house.

In a very rural area of Washington State, my husband heard a woman indignantly telling her friend about an argument the night before with her husband: "And I told that HAMHEAD..." We laughed and called each other that name the rest of the trip.

Another SW Airlines goody: In the event of an emergency, put on your oxygen mask first and then help your child or anyone with you who is acting like a child.

While at a meeting in a US city, we were being introduced to a woman who hadn't met any of us. After passing the time of day, she commented to our friend from Hawaii, "You certainly do speak good English!"

I hope the Fodor's censors will let this one pass 'cause its a true story. In the very early days of the 'net we booked an apartment in Paris that had a brand new website. The French version was wonderful but the English description of the apt was very loosely translated and priceless as a reault
" Beautiful apartment: holds 4 for sleeping: three stoves! very clean: shits changed twice in the week".

The censors let it pass! That's a classic.

Personally overheard while living in the cruise ship port town of Ketchikan, Alaska:

"Can I use US stamps on this postcard?"

From a just arrived passenger off a 2,000+ passenger ship standing on the dock: "What sea level are we at?"

And to prove it's not just Americans who are geographically challenged a very dear English woman was recently very surprised when I told her Alaska part of the USA.

Overheard at an ATM machine in Delft shortly after the conversion to the Euro:
"You'd a thought if they were gonna go ta all that trouble ta change ta a different kind of money they'd a changed ta REAL money!"

Not something that was said but rather something I read.

On a hopper plane from Atlanta, GA to Florida - the steps had been folded up into the plane when a man came running with a cooler out to the plane. I thought, "oh great, the pilot forgot his lunch." They placed the cooler in the front of the aisle and carefully turned it around - a big label said "Human Eyeballs for Transplant."

We were in England and were buying tickets to tour a manor house. Seeing the breakdown for ticket prices included a discount for seniors, he asked the booth attendant "What is a senior?--meaning what age. The attendant replied, "Why, it is an elderly gentleman, sir."!!!

St. Cirq--love your story! To the poster who accused you of embellishment--that is NEVER necessary in telling stories of Americans in Europe. Truth is funnier than fiction!

I love being a OAP in England!!

Funniest thing I've heard..while waiting to go thru the Vatican...Bruno from Philadelphia...well that is my guess... " Does the Pope really live here??"

Just a couple of weeks ago, on the plane which had just landed at Stansted (one of the smaller 'outer London' airports). As we taxied back to the terminal, we passed a large green, 'fake', shell which resembled an aeroplane, and was clearly used for practice for cabin staff or the like to hone their skills. An aussie behind me said to his wife, "Hey! have you seen the SPACE SHUTTLE over there?". We couldn't help but laugh.

No doubt somewhat travel-weary, on our way into the Notre Dame in Paris, we overheard a woman say to her husband, "let's go inside" to which he responded, "nah, it's just another church".

Great thread

We were boarding the tour bus after a stop at Stonehenge. A burly guy in a flowered shirt was balking at getting back on & saying, "I've been hearing about it & I'm not leaving here until I see it for myself." The poor frustrated & confused guide asked, "See what, Sir" & the man indignantly replied, "the Summer Solstice, that's what."

On another trip, we stopped at a lovely little guesthouse in the Swiss Alps. The young waitress struggled in very broken english to help us with ordering our evening meal but when we went up to our room, she cheerfully said, "Goodnight, ya'll." I (being from Texas) said, "Ya,ll? Where did you learn your english"? She replied, "On Dallas" (the TV show)!

Just remembered another. Boboli Gardens in Florence, 2 older American female tourists, looking up at the Medici insignia over a gateway: "Just look whose balls are up there!"

Last year whilst in a French Hotel we ran out of the little plastic milk containers, you know the ones that hotels provide with tea making facilities. So I asked the receptionist chappie in my bestest French for some more Lait (= milk) unfortunately I pronounced it "Lait" and not "Leigh".
He disapeared for a few mins and came out of the storeroom with a smile and a 60W lightbulb.....it raised a chuckle !!
Muck

We were at the Louvre admiring Michelangelo's slaves. A man in the background who was looking for these sculptures told his wife, "These aren't Michaelangelo's, these were done by some Buonarotti fellow. Let's go."

We laughed all day over that one.

I must add another one of my family's Tonto Spanish advneture in Europe when I was a child. We pulled up to a camp ground in Spain and my Father decided he didn't want to pay until he saw the campsite, so he told the woman at the front office in Spanish that he would pay but only if he could "look at her insides". Needless to say she didn't let us in.

We're military, stationed in Germany. We have Euro style license plates, but a NATO symbol instead of european union symbol, and USA instead of a one or two letter european designation. We drove from Germany to France a couple of years ago, and as we pulled into the parking lot a car followed us in. We were talking in English as we walked up the sidewalk and the man behind us asked in halting English " you didn't DRIVE from the US, did you??"

This anecdote is not what was said but what was thought (by me).

In Provence some years ago I lost a large dental filling. Our hosts took me down a dark alley to the village's dentist. There was a crowd in the outer office. I took a seat and noticed a large piece of dental equipment, circa 1945. It was shaped like a tee with wires coming down. At its base was a pedal. I shuddered remembering that in olden days when you went to the dentist he had to step on the pedal to bring up electricity.

Happily it was there as an antique not an advertisement and the dentist thenprovided remarkably good service with modern equipment at a fair price.

An American asking us as Europeans - which train to take at Atlanta airport. When we said: no idea, he told us that we should, as we had a lot of Underground trains in Europe.

'Drove from the Netherlands to the south of Belgium once when we got lost in a small town in the French speaking part of Belgium. Luckliy enough, there was this mighty looking hair-dresser standing in front of his business, enjoying a quiet moment in the evening sun. My friend, always bragging about how good his knowledge of the French language actually was, roled down the window and started conversation with the words:
"Bon soir, monsieur le coiffeur" ("good evening, mister hairdresser").
The guy looked into the car and answered:
"bon soir, monsieur le touriste" ("good evening, mister tourist").
My friend, realising he had used a rather strange expression to greet somebody with turned red, roled up the window in a hurry and hissed "Oh d*mn, drive, go, GO!" .

When in Merida, Venezuela I was sitting reading a book on a bench. When a forward, attractive woman asked if she could sit with me I replied in Spanish:

Si Te Quiero (Yes, I want you)
instead of
Si Tu quiere (If you want)

she went away in hysterics and it clicked for me three minutes later.

We were lost in Paris, looking for the Louvre. We saw a family of five approaching and stopped and asked them if they could help us find the Louvre. They were wonderful and gave us tips about how to do a quick tour and save time. We thanked them and then the man asked "How did you know we were American?" I laughed and said "The Whatsuppp? t-shirt gave you away."

My favorite story is not mine, but a former professor's.
He was in the army, posted in Germany in the early 50's. He had always wanted to visit Paris, and finally got a weekend leave. He spent an enjoyable weekend there, and after the visit, it was time to return to the base.
After searching and searching for the train station, he realized he was lost. And so, he stopped an elderly gentleman and asked him where it could be. He clearly was not pronouncing it very well (le gare-- "luh gahr"), because this elderly gentleman looked at the younger man dressed in his army uniform and said,
"Monsieur, la guerre est finie!"

Hi

Neither of us was travelling, but I had a car accident 2 weeks ago in Montpellier.

The american lady who hit me said " I'm real grateful I hit someone who speaks English !".

Funny, and not so funny for me ?

Peter
http://tlp.netfirms.com/expat

Whilst stood on the Airport observation balcony waving mother in law off on her holidays, my wife noticed the plane had a large tanker parked alongside, this tanker had 'BP AIR' written over it.
Looking quite puzzled she asked "do they have to pump the tyres up everytime it lands" !!!

Muck

I had to revive this topic because I just remembered a taxi trip in London two years ago my friend from Texas told the driver we wanted to go to 'St. Pancreas' station, not 'St. Pancras'. He found it amusing but polietly choose not to correct her.

I'm friends with someone who works as a tour guide in Rome. I accompanied him in February with a small group to the Vatican Museum and St. Peter's Basilica. In St. Peter's, one of the women in the group asked me if the Basilica was ever filled with people. I told her when special Masses were celebrated, this happens. She asked if everyone has to stand, and I informed her they bring some chairs and kneelers in, and she asked where they're stored when not in use! (????)

BC

I told this one on another thread. In the first few years going to France, I found it very difficult to pronunce the name of places. Our hotel was one of them. It was in Arles, a very famous old one called "Nord Pinus" after many frustrating attempts one day, I blurted out we were staying at the north penis.

Last year in Capri, my husband and I were in a gift shop when th owner started singing in Italian and an American tourist screamed out "THAT IS SOOO BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE TO HEAR ITALIAN SINGING" Anyway she went on like this while she made her purchase. After she left, the owner laughed an said, Avete visto quella signora quando ho cominciato cantare, "lei vi siete fusi come burro nella mia bocca" (did you see that lady, she melted like butter in my mouth). We both cracked up.

I think I've told this before here, but here goes: a friend who had been to private school in Switzerland before I met him in college (in Texas) met me at a restaurant in Paris.

He (the worldly one) asked the waitress: Ou est la salle de bain? (where, literally, is the bath room--not toilettes as is the custom)

She responded: Pourquoi? Vous voulez prendre un bain? (Why? You want to take a bath?)

HAHAHA! I loved it!

Second story: in an Acapulco restaurant at the table next to us, the guy ordered "the toreadors." (I believe the menu said "tornedos.")

On my first trip to Venice, we had lunch just after arrival and boarded a vaporetto. We were sitting in facing seats, having a nice conversation with our Italian host, when we heard some not so suble tones coming from behind. "Imagine that! Here we are on the Grand Canal in Venice and it doesn't even STINK." We later found that they were doing their day in Venice, coming from Montreal to take cooking courses in Florence.

On a French train heading to Spain, a middle-aged man from Kentucky was traveling with his elderly mother. Thirsty, in his southern drawl he asked the French porter, "Por favor, where is the agua?"

My first time in Paris I dumped my bags at the hotel eager to get out there and experience the city. I managed to be able to order myself the first of many crepes. As I was leaving, filled with confidence that my high school French had flooded back, I sang out as I was walking away. "Merci, Bonjour" The guys behind the counter burst out laughing. We all couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes. I still get a bit red thinking about it.

On vacation in Yellowstone, an elderly lady told herself (very loudly) "KNOCKERS UP" so she would have good posture for her photo and not show how gravity had set in.

Different continent, but while we were visiting the Great Barrier Reef, our charter boat stopped on a small island (really more of a sand bar) to allow passengers to do some snorkeling.

One woman from LA pointed at the diminutive island and exclaimed, "THAT'S the Great Barrier Reef??!?!!"

On the mountain at a Colorado ski ressort, a mother was overheard carefully explaining to here two young sons who were surprised at seeing a couple on telemark skis on the downhill slope: "Now those skiers are called 'telemarketers'!"

Overheard from 2 american/canadian backpackers as the train pulled into Lausanne station:

"Lausanne - is that the french name for Lucerne?"

Andre

ttt

In Scotland, at the loch in which the Lock Ness monster resides: my little sister, "When's he going to come out?"

Last Sunday I was walking home from Yerba Buena Gardens in San Francisco, and a European pair asked me "where is SFMOMA" pronouncing SFMOMA as one word! Never thought the serious museum of modern art can sound so funny!

I was on my second semester of studying abroad in Spain, when a new batch of students arrived. One of the new American arrivals asked about the taxis in Madrid, "How come some of them are free and some of them cost money?"

Obviously, Spanish 101 failed to teach her the difference between "libre" and "gratis"!!

Palermo, July 2001. Walking around a small parish church festa. Local brass band playing, colorful flags flying, fragrant food stalls and people eating, dancing and socializing everywhere. A voice rises above the din and says "You know Sugar, it don't get more Eye Talian than this." Turn to see Sugar and hubby both clad in tight Bermuda shorts, new white tennis shoes, fanny packs and tee shirts bearing the name of a large state that will remain nameless.

I work at a state information center and have heard some interesting things, but this one takes the cake. A lady came in and asked if we had any ducks in our town. I said that we did and directed her to a few of our lakes and parks that have lots. She then informed me that the town she had stayed in last night did not have any birds and she wanted to have birds put in that town for her next trip.

on a tour to Southern France,two women from D.C. thanked everyone in "French" - by saying made worse because one of them sounded like Phyllis Diller when laughing and she always laughed when she spoke her "French word"!.
Not really funny - but interesting --
I've overheard this one many times from tourists who regale you with all the places they have been, trying to impress you, and yet they ask why do Europeans eat so late as if it's a shock and then order cappacino after dinner at 10 pm.

sorry - omitted words while correcting - the women said mercy for merci in their very best French!..

When my husband asked the desk clerk at a hotel in Portugal if he had a non-smoking room available, the reply was, "Sir, no one HAS to smoke in the room if they don't want to!"

In Sicily, I overheard one of the hotel guests ask the desk clerk if she could have access to her things in the hotel safe later that evening.
He responded, "No!"
She then asked, "When can I get my things?"
His response, "Oh, any time."

These are hysterical. I have two. My two friends (both American) were studying abroad in Germany with me. While there we "studied" alot of other languages. They were in the Berlin tourist office and asked the girl behind the counter "parlez vous Anglais?" Needless to say the german girl was very confused! Same two friends, one is VERY conservative. We were visiting a friend in northern Germany and we made up a house party of about 12 (besides his family) so the two bathrooms/showers were in high demand and we had to plan things carefully. One of the male friends went to my conservative female friend and asked her "will you take a douche tonight?" meaning of course if she was going to shower. But being American that isn't the first thing that came to mind. I dont' know what was funnier - her face, or then trying to explain (nicely) to a mixed crowd of boys and girls what douche meant in English (it ISN'T in the German/english) dictonary!

Here on the NorCal coast, one of the most frequently asked questions by tourists is "What time of day do the whales come by?"

That one always cracks us locals up!

by the looks of some of deez damn posts, y'all got somethin against us Texans!

seems y'all envy our big wallets and big ____s!

We were in Florence and met a couple from Australia who kept complaining about the food and asked us where they could find a good steak!

In a restaurant in London, 3 ladies from Brooklyn were looking over a map of sites around the city. One exclaims very loudly "Pall Mall! It's about time we found a decent shopping mall. We need to check that out!"

On a trip to Florence, I was sitting in Pza. Della Republica with one of my British firends. We were enjoying our drinks and watching all of the people. An Italian man introduced himself and sat down at our table. He was smitten with my friend. Feeling overly confident, he started showering her with compliments by telling her that she looked exactly like a famous Russian ballerina. When she asked him which one he was referring to he said, " You know, da one who used to be a man". My friend turned to me and said, " I - have just been insulted by the ugliest man in Europe!" We laughed until we cried. I guess the guy got up and left, but we did not even notice.

ttt

Here is some great stuff from a couple of years ago.

This one may be apocryphal, but it was told to me as true: husband and wife arriving at Winchester Cathedral - "OK honey, you do the inside, and I'll do the outside".

One I definitely heard for myself at an café in Venice. Four well-upholstered South Africans discussing diets. First one of the husbands argued that because they lived at some altitude (up on the Veld would be my guess), the relative lack of atmospheric pressure was bound to make them expand (!). Then one of the wives said she'd switched to margarine instead of butter on her bread, to which the other wife said (and for some reason it sounds funnier in the Sith Iffrican accent): "Ach, Ah NIVER it brid! But when Ah dew, I ALWAYS hiv butter on it."

Another Oktoberfest one. We were a group of students from all over Europe, and at the end of the table there were a few American girls. When all of a sudden Village People's "Y.M.C.A." started and the whole hall got up on their benches to do the little dance, one was shouting "They know this song over here!" Duh!

One year when our children were small we decided to drive to the West Coast of Canada. We drove in our 6 year old Chevie station wagon thinking nothing of it.

The Rockie Mountains have some amazingly long hills and on the way up Roger's Pass an older couple driving a lovely new car came alongside us....we all had our windows rolled down and we clearly heard the man say to his wife: "See I told you we didn't need to buy a new car to take this trip!"

We laughed for miles! Our old car took us out and back that 6000 mile trip and we continued to drive it another 6 years before putting it out to pasture (we did buy a new car for long trips about 3 years after that trip west though)

I was in Venice once when there was a vaporetto strike.

There was a notice up that there would be a reduced service because of "turbolenza sindacale"

I heard an American girl explaining to her friend that the boats weren't running because the water was too rough.

This is a hilarious thread.

Two contributions from me:

*Many* years ago, in the USAF, stationed in (West) Berlin as a translator (read: spy), asked to support the annual Open House at Tempelhof Airport (where the USAF was billeted) by answering questions from our German visitors who would be on-base to gawk at the airplanes and other military hardware on display. For that particular event, one of the largest transport planes was supposed to fly in for tours by civilians, but the flight was cancelled due to bomb threats phoned in the previous week. Result: a lot of publicity about a plane that wasn't there to view.

So that's the background. The conversation between me and a Berliner, as follows:
Berliner: Why isn't the C5 here?
Me: Es tut mir Leid, es ist wegen der Touristen (translation: "Sorry, it's because of the tourists.") I meant to say "Terroristen", but didn't get all the syllables out! Result: one baffled Berliner.

More recently, again in Berlin --

Riding in the upper deck of the notorious Bus 100, which for the price of an ordinary ride gives one a tour of the tourist highlights of the city, albeit an unguided one. Seats in the upper deck are, of course, at a premium, and the seats right in front are a supreme prize.

Anyway, a group of 4, either American or Canadian, visitors gets on, and miraculously manages to claim the two frontmost benches, and their panoramic vista of all the sights. Excitedly, one of the group asks the others: "Which side of the bus do you think will have the best view?"

Eye-rolling from all the other English-speaking tourists ensued.

Fritzrl

On a guided tour through Hohenschwangau the guide point to a door and said it led to the King's toilet. One perosn asked what the other people in the castle did to find a toilet when they needed it and the guide said that even the servents had toilets with running water, "after all we didn't just pee over the walls and powder our faces."

These are hysterical, I nearly spit out my Golden Grahams...

*embarassed* this is something I said...I was a junior in college...and I had been to Paris once and my friends and I were "studying" in Bath, England. We were at the ATM machine and I said after a few drinks:
"Now, I don't get this, so, I put in my American bank ATM card and it just knows to spit out pounds??"

I couldn't understand how it knew to give me pounds instead of USD.....

Not hysterical, but I was really embarassed!

I also was trying to tell a French person while I was in Paris "No, I don't speak French," and I said "No, you don't speak French"....oops! =0

As 10 and 12 year old prairie girls my sister and I thought this was hilarious. We were driving through the mountains for the first time. Our father pulled up to a gas station. the attendant looked at our licence plate and said to our dad, "Fill 'er up? Check your oil? Pry your fingers from the steering wheel?

This is actually kind of sad if you stop to think about it:
DH and I were in the Brussels Airport. There were a bunch of Americans who were attempting to get a cart for their luggage. Brussels charged 1 euro at the time. They asked an amused looking man how he got the cart, he told them, pointed them in the direction and told them the cost. The 'lead' American turned to his group and very loudly said 'What the h#$ll is a Euro'.

A very dear friend is well-known for his malapropisms, such as:

While arriving in Rome:

"Look, I think that's Maximilian's Circus!"

In New Orleans, as he and his wife were considering the purchase of a large silver epergne in one of the fine swishy antiques shops on Royal Street:

"But how high above the table is the chandelabra?" The look on the salesman's face was priceless.

These are hilarious! About six years ago my ski club went to the French Alps for a week followed by a few days in Paris. One member of our group was/is very ignorant and should be a poster child for Ugly American. Upon our arrival in Paris he was looking over a pocket-sized map of the Metro and said "It's not even in English." This is the same person who packed four rolls of toilet paper - like Europe hadn't discovered it yet? Our flight to Europe ended in Geneva, and we were going to take a bus to Chamonix. He disappeared for a while and (unfortunately) came back chuckling to himself how clever he was to have thought to change his money into Swiss francs immediately on arrival. Yes, very clever for someone who thinks they need to bring along toilet paper. The only problem was that our entire trip was in FRANCE. We left Chamonix to go to Paris in the very early morning hours, and our hotel kindly offered to open their kitchens early and prepare breakfast for us; we just had to write down what we wanted. For my beverage I wrote "the." (pronouced "tay." (Sorry, I can't find my accent mark.) Hey, I'm in France, it makes sense to use THEIR language if I can because it's THEIR country. Genius-boy looked at me like I'm totally insane and said "What is THE?" I explained that it is the French word for tea. He shook his head and said "Why would you want to do that?" Sheesh! I won't even get into his abominable taste in clothes. It was just best to pretend I didn't know him in public.

At the Vatican in 2002 -

My best friend, whom I was backpacking with following both of our graduations, turned and enthused "Isn't it cool to be here in Rome right where Jesus was when he started the church?"

Me - "I think you mean Peter..."

On my mother's first trip to visit us overseas my husband went to St. Maarten to meet her and escort her to our little island. This was her first time in a 20-seater Twin Otter aircraft and she is NOT a big fan of small planes.

They still had the aircraft door open when they brought the generator over to the plane to start the engines. Mom was freaking out because they were going to start up the plane with the door still open, but the real kicker was when she asked my dear husband what the big electrical thing was for.

He said that they used the generator to start the engines and her reply was "Generator! Oh my god...this plane flies on a generator and not gas?!"

Oh, one for the Texans.

My VERY southern brother-in-law upon approaching the 1300-foot long, shortest commercial runway in the world, on the island of Saba.

"Hell! We got backyards bigger'n that in Texas!"

The whole plane erupted in laughter.

Similar story to St Cirq's. In my student days I was in Aix-en-Provence in 1965. I was interested in Cezanne and knew that he had painted Mont St-Victoire many times. I decided to walk to the mountain. By this time, my clothes had gotten kind of grotty, so I had bought some cheap duds in France, which I was wearing that day. Not knowing how far a walk it was going to be, I decided to pack a lunch. So I am walking down the road and after awhile I got hungry. I stopped by the side of the road and got out my picnic: a baguette, some cheese, fruit, sausage and a bottle of the kind of ultra-cheap wine that had no label and a peel-off top. I was sitting there eating lunch when an American Express tour bus comes by. It stopped right by me. The guide had one of those microphones for telling the tourists what they were seeing. I could tell she was talking, but couldn't hear her, because the bus door was closed. But immediately several of the people on the bus looked out their windows and took my picture! Then off they went.

In 1998, at a restaurant near Rue Cler, we heard an American ask the waitress, "Can we have some le water?"

This was some years ago, so I think things have changed a bit:

Where did you go on your trip to Europe.?
We went to Italy.
Did you see Firenze?
No, but we went to Rome, Venice and Florence.

I know you will think I am making this up, but it is true!

While walking through the Louvre with two people, one turned to me and said "Do you think any of these are originals?"

I still howl when I think of it.

At the summit of the Haleakala Volcano in Maui, we were watching one of those bike-down-the-hill outfits assemble for their ride down the volcano. The guide positioned himself in front of the 20 or so riders, looked back and said: "Everybody ready? Let's get going and see what happens." Not the most reassuring guide in the outfit, we guessed.

On a flight to Venice, sat next to some very pleasant, not even slightly stupid Canadians, who may not have read up that much about their destination.

"so why did they fill the streets up with water in the first place ?"

"I have been recommended such and such a restaurant, but there is no way I am going into a ghetto afterdark"

"then we thought we would go to the Doggies palace".

Arriving in Germany for a 1 year assignment my husband was anxious to use his newly learned German so on our first trip away from our new home he stopped at a service station, went inside and in his best German asked where the restroom was, the gentleman inside said "huh" so my husband repeated, at that the attendant said in a loud voice "around the corner and to the left" in English. The look on his face was priceless.

I have posted this on an earlier thread, but it fits here. I'm the dumb Ameerican who who said this.

Many years ago, in the early 1970's, I was working for an environmental engineering firm in their Madrid Office. I started to go to a friendly, nearby, Basque bar/restaurnt to eat the wonderful seafood and to practice my rudimentary Spanish.

I noticed one dish they often served at the bar; a wonderful skewer of alternating bacon and huge shrimp that had been grilled over an open fire. It seemed to be particularly popular with young lovers, one of whom would hold the skewer while the other slid a prawn off with his or her teeth. Something right out of Tom Jones. Looked delicious!

Anyway, I kept listening for the name of the dish and, when I was confident, called the bartender over and said in my best Spanish, "I would like two ******s, Por Favor."

His head snapped up, startled, and he said, "You want WHAT?" I had mis-heard the word for the dish, and had used a very rude word, similar in meaning to the equally rude word, "Fanny", in England. The word used in the States to describe this particular part of the female anatomy begins with and "P" and ends with a "Y".

"I would like two ******s", I repeated in my bravest manner.

He turned to the crowded bar, and loudly announced, "This guy just ordered two *****s!" That got everyone's instant attention. He turned back to me and asked, "Did you want to eat those here?"

A bit confused and still innocent, I stoutly replied, "Si, Como no?" (Sure, why not?")

That brought down the house!

The guy on the next stool, who spoke English, quickly explained the reason for the hilarity. I was an instant friend of the restaurant. I could not buy a drink all night, and my order of ******s was on the house as well. pluckily, I toughed it out and ate every one of my shrimp, despite the good natured shickers of the patrons.

Every time I came into the bar after that, I was greeted with a shout. Simlar to Norm's greeting on "Cheers" -- a rousing, "Here comes our "****** eater!"

The official guide at the colosseum was a lovely young woman who spoke excellent English, with the exception that she constantly referred to Gladiators fighting with spades. This left me with a mental picture of Russell Crowe with a shovel.

My family lived in France for several years when I was a child. Everyone in the family did fairly well with the language except for my father. As a consequence we usually pleaded with him NOT to try and speak French.

At the end of a meal at a Paris restaurant one evening, the waiter asked (in French, of course) if we wanted anything else to eat. We didn't, so my father piped in with his best "Franglais" which, translated as "We have very much."

Given that apparent boast of wealth, I'm certain the waiter expected a much larger tip than he got....

I was on a tour of the Breakers mansion in Newport RI, which was built in the late 1800's. We were in the kitchen which had really high ceilings, there was a pot rack hanging from the ceiling. One man said "Oh my god, how were they ever able to reach the pots!?". The tour guide said "....ummm....a step ladder!"

This isn't necessarily funny, more like astonishing. When we were returning from Germany, the flight from Frankfurt to Phila. was packed with high-schoolers on a class trip. As we were on the walkway, things became very crowded with everyone trying to board. One girl was whining that she wanted to get on the plane and that she couldn't wait to get home. Then, she proclaimed in her high-pitched whine, "I HATE GERMANY!"

Everyone turned and glared at her. Her friends tried to shut her up but she kept at it.
Girl: "Why can't I say that? It's true."
Friend: "Because, we're still in Frankfurt."
Girl: "So? Frankfurt's not in Germany!"
Friend: "Um, yes it is."
Girl: "Nuh-uhhh!"
Some member of the crowd: "Yes it is!"
Girl: "Ohhh. Hee-hee. I was only kidding anyway."

Ugh! I'll admit, geography is not my strong suit, but I at least know what country I'm in at all times.

Scene: Anne Frank House in Amsterdam.

Woman to man (thick Alabama accent):

Lordy, would ya just look at this itty bitty apartment. How did all them people fit in here? It wayyyyyyy too small for me. Nome, I just couldna abide it. Me? I woulda gone out and found me another apartment. I guess them Frank people just didn't have enough gumption ta find a bigger place.

Pathetic, but true. Funny and also sad.

I was in a small shop in Germany and had bumped into someone. Being as polite as I knew how to be I said "Entschuldige" (excuse me)A lady who overheard this exchange imperiously corrected me with the pronouncement that the polite form was to be used. "Entschuldigen Sie Bitte!" To clarify this I asked her "So if I am walking down the street and I bump into somebody I have to say, "Entschuldigen Sie Bitte?"
"Of Course" came the stern reply.
I still wasn't convinced so I retorted, "Yeah but by the time I get all that out they will be halfway down the block!"
This prompted quite a few snickers from other shoppers.

Some of these had me in stitches!

1999 - Husband and I riding the train from Paris to Avignon, overhearing a group of American tourists who had just met and were swapping stories about Paris....."we went to this restaurant last night and I didn't know what to order...the whole menu was in FRENCH"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Mother-in-law travelling in small-town Eastern Canada saw a sign over a door for a "Subway" sandwich shop, turns for my father-in-law....."boy this town seems too small for a rapid transit system..." He's never let her forget it!!!

Alison

In the early 80s, my family spent Hawaii in Christmas while we visited my grandparents (I was in elementary school). We were visiting Honolulu from Omaha, Nebraska...just a slight change in temperature for the winter.

At a store in Honolulu, the cashier asked where we were from. When we told her she said, "I've always wondered -- why is it that snow only covers the grass?" We were a little stumped by her question, so she went on to explain, "When we watch the news, there's snow all over the grass and nothing on the streets or sidewalks!" We had the pleasure of describing snow shovels and plows to her.

Two weeks ago: Overheard conversation between pair of high school students looking at view of the US Capitol from the Washington Monument.
Student1: There's the White House.
Student2: No, it's the Capitol.
Student1: They're the same thing.
Student2: No they're not.
Student1 (to passing teacher): Mr. Jones, the Capitol and the White House are the same thing, right?

Entertaining two teenage foreign exchange students here in California, we did as much as possible to share with them occasional slices of Americana. From watching television, they knew our American fascination with automobiles. We had recently purchased a new convertible with four seats. One of the students suggested that we take them " ...to a drive-by movie."

This wasn't funny at the time...

I was 18 and in Paris, doing some early sightseeing alone about 7 AM one day. I admit I may have been...overdressed, and probably rumpled as well, since I sleep poorly on trips. Walking along, I saw a young American couple. The guy stared at me, then gave his girl a knowing look and said,"Fille de joie."

Of course, I wondered why he insulted me in French if he thought I was French.

About 17 yrs ago DW and I went to Quebec City and decided to take a tour. The bus stopped on the Plains of Abraham and the guide proceeded to tell us the story of the Fall of Quebec. After his spiel we were given a few minutes to walk around and take in the sights. We overheard the following Q&A between a classic Yuppie couple from NY and the bus driver:

Yuppie - "So this was the battle where the British took Canada from the French?"

Bus Driver - "Sadly, yes"

Yuppie - "So, when did they get it back?"

Bus Driver - "Not yet."

(In German, "Bitte" can mean either "Please," or "You're welcome," depending on the context.)

In a Frankfurt hotel restaurant, I told the busboy, "Danke," when he filled my water glass. He gave me a dazzling smile and replied, "Please."

Okay, not really funny, but I thought it was so darn cute that he was as proud of his inadequate English as I was of my inadequate German.

A conversation between my Mom (Jean) and her friend, Marge, on their first airplane ride ever in the early 1970's (both in their 50's at the time).

Marge: "You know, Jean, I've been watching that cloud over there and I think we stopped. We haven't moved at all in the last few minutes."

Jean: "What???"

Marge: "Oh, that's why! Look, there's another plane. We must have been waiting for them to pass."

My brother was on a tour in Bratislava with a childrens choir. They arrived at their 8 storey hotel, and there was a large neon sign outside advertising a lap-dancing club, complete with a girl wrapped around a pole. One child behind my brother commented to the child beside him that he hoped there was a swimming pool in the hotel. The reply was ; "I don't think so, but I see they have something much better." My brother waited with some trepidition to hear what it might be. The child continued "I see they have a fireman's pole"

So I can claim to speak a few languages rather fluently, but French is NOT one of them!
While traveling in France, my family and I drove through Dijon. We were not really sure where to buy some of the famed mustard.
My younger sister and I hopped out of the car in front of a small shop (we thought) and ran in to ask where we could find some.
When we walked in, we realized very quickly that it was not, in fact, a shop- but rather a bar. Since we had already walked into an establishment that was not accustomed to tourists- uninvited- I realized I needed to at least say something... so in my bravest voice, I said what I thought was "I would like to buy mustard". The crowd of older men just looked at me, bewildered.
My sis and I turned to leave, embarrassed. It wasn't until I got back to the car that I realized I had just announced that "I love mustard" to a crowd of strangers.

: )

In my mangled Italian, I ordered fish gelato instead of peach. The proprietor thought it was pretty funny.

Fish gelato? Yeuk!!! I've just read this entire post and my sides are hurting. Prompted me to relate two things from years ago which have stayed with me. I was in the Tourist Info office in Hong Kong when a woman came in and said to the young woman " We have to meet a Mr Wong here in Hong Kong. Do you know him?" Also years ago we were on a train in London when two policemen got on and arrested two young English guys. Soon after two railway employees sauntered through the carriage which only seemed to contain tourists and one said cotemptuosly " Where are all the English people?" An elderly American man yelled out "They're all in jail!" The whole carriage fell apart.

And a female poster to Thin,
"Love you, but hate your mouth."

Author: AnnaSC
Date: 06/08/2005, 03:57 pm
We will be traveling to Mykonos in July, and would like recommendations on what to see and do there during our three day stay. Restaurant recommendations would also be appreciated- we enjoy fine dining! Thank you so much.

Author: ThinGorjus
Date: 06/08/2005, 08:56 pm
Well, if you're gay, you go there to get laid. I'm not kidding. My ex-husband, Tom, slept with half the island whilst we were on holiday (which is why we are now divorced).

My husband and I were wandering the back streets of Sultanahmet in Istanbul looking for a laundry. My husband asked a man in the street who was playing soccer with his son, about where to wash our clothes. The man looked at him funny and pointed the opposite direction.

After asking another local and getting the same look, we stopped in front of a restaurant and a woman came out. In English, she asked us if she could help us. My husband responded in Turkish (why, I'll never know) and she laughed.

Turns out my husband wasn't asking "Where's the laundry?" but was asking "Where can I wash my dresses?

This thread just gets better and better. I think it should be topped every six months so newcomers can add to it.

I took my mother to England (her first trip to Europe) when she was 80. When we visited Salisbury Cathedral, they had a collection box for donations, with an explanation of how expensive it was to keep up the interior. As we sat there gazing up at the soaring Gothic interior, my practical Jewish mother said, "They ought to lower the ceiling. It would cost less to heat."

Two weeks ago, in London, during dinner at the Sherlock Holmes Pub, an American guy at a nearby table ordered "fish and chips, and I'd like the chips fried, please." I shared an eye roll with another tourist over that one.

Oh Marilyn, LOL, your practical mother. That is a good one!!!

Yes, LoveItaly, she really had me speechless there. It flashed through my mind to try to explain to her the whole concept of Gothic architecture and medieval Christianity, but I gave that idea up real quickly.

A British tourist to her husband as we walked up to a Tuscan hilltown:

"why do they put all these towns at the top of a hill, don't they know that some of us have bad knees?"

Perfect, SeaUrchin. Something my mother might easily have said.

In Ireland, my cab driver explained to me that the reason for the potato famine was that the gov't was being forced to send all of its potatoes to Britain, not because of crop problems!

kjenn, that might be funny if it weren't so sad. Using a natural disaster to foster, promote and perpetuate anger and hatred is one of Man's most vile traits.

Listening to American southerners in a Provence shop say, as they left:

"Merceee Bowcooo!"

Powell, If you heard those Southerners in Provence in 1998, I do believe I know who they are.

I had lectured our group of five couples on how to translate southern manners to French, with some hilarious results. Think Pepe le Pew with an Alabama drawl.

Byrd of the Alabama TG (travel group)

Year 1997, Place Kalkan - Turkey :
Kalkan is a steep downhill location by the sea, an English Couple stopped us on the little streets going down, " Where the harbour might be ? " we look at each other and look back towards to the mountain and pointed out if you walk downhill for another minute you are at the harbour ! Physics are not changing in each country isn't it

While we were in Florence last year David was getting a "cleaning" and the bottom part where you can go around appeared (from the front) to be blocked off. After standing in awe for a few moments, I turned to my husband and told him "I guess we can't go around and see the back". Two older very nicely dressed men who were obviously a couple must have overheard me and one turned to me and said "Oh yes sweetie, you can - its the best part" and then they both started to giggle.

I can never think of our trip and seeing the famous statue of David without invisioning those two gay guys telling me how nice is butt was. (Well, they were right!)

I'm not sure it's the funniest thing anyone has ever said while traveling but it made a waiter and the other staff at a restaurant giggle in Budapest. Plus an older woman stop in her tracks to correct me.
I had practiced with Hungarian language tapes before going but I didn't quite get "koszonom" I was saying ko-so-nome
and the woman took my face in both hands to guide me to say "ko-sur-nome".
When I asked what I had been saying she wouldn't tell me. I still don't know if it was just nonsense or offensive.
When I was telling someone this story back home, they replied, "she must have been an English teacher."

This wasn't that funny but almost sad.
I live in San Diego. One day I was out in the East County (20 miles from the ocean) a Chinese man flagged me down and asked for directions. He told me he needed to get to a boat. We were standing right next to the freeway on ramp going west and I directed him to it. He and his wife then had a lively discussion and he asked me if I was certain. Well, duh! I showed him on the map. The wife had a lot more to say. The man thanked me and they got in the car and promptly bypassed the on ramp heading west and took the one going east. I've always wondered how far they got until the realized I wasn't trying to lead them astray. Maybe they had a good time in Arizona.

My husband is jealous that he has to go to work while I'm sitting here laughing my head off!
A favorite Alaskan story is of the tourist who asked: What time do they turn on the Northern Lights?
On our recent trip to France, my husband (who refused to go to French classes with me) was trying to use some French. He told the waiter "J'ma appelle vin rouge". (My name is red wine). The waiter said (in English) "I've heard worse". (forgive my spelling)

My BIL, Ian while biking through France had his bike break down. An older fellow with an even older truck stopped to pick him up. The man spoke no English, so Ian kept telling him how nice he was in French. The man seemed to be getting agitated, so Ian figured he'd offer him so money for his time and gas, etc. At this point the man quickly dumped him in the town they just arrived in, and zoomed off. Later that night Ian found out he had been saying over and over "You are so pretty", than had offered him money. No wonder he was nervous.

Another one: BIL was biking in France, and wanted a hair dryer, so he went down to the front desk to ask for it. He had looked up the words he needed, so he used his them while miming blowing his dry, complete with high pitched noise. The receptionist raised her eyebrow, and replied, in English, "Sir, you just asked me if you could have some hot wind for your horse"

wilsonlisa

i want to say LOL!! but i'm supposed to be working so i'm trying to stifle my laughter!

The receptionist raised her eyebrow, and replied, in English, "Sir, you just asked me if you could have some hot wind for your horse"

Lisa
The tears are streaming down my face. I would love to go to France with Ian purely for the entertainment value.

The stories are so funny, you guys want me fired! I laughed till I cried.

Here is my contribution, a part of my Swiss report:

The tour guide who’s English is just enough for the tour, tries to explain the thick toilet paper: we recycle. We used previously used paper and cardboard and make it toilet paper. A man’s voice from behind: “after you, madam?”

And one more:
Imagine my surprise when I turned the TV on and the Golden Girls spoke perfect German! The next day the same channel showed “The Newlyweds” Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson spoke English, and the show was subtitled. I know why: nobody would ever believe Jessica would be ever able to master a foreign language!

When I recently told my mother and mother-in-law (separately) about an upcoming cruise to Hawaii, incredibly both had the same reaction. They both said "Aren't they having trouble there? Is it safe?" and then were both so surprised that Hawaii was one of the 50 states!

I should have added they are both in their late 80's!

A friend of mine swears that this is a true story.

She was sitting in a riverside restaurant in Budapest.
A large rat suddenly strolled across the floor and an American tourist screamed, "Eek, a rat!"
The waiter said soothingly, "Don't worry, Madame, it is a tame rat. It's name is Mitzi".
"Hi Mitzi", smiled the tourist.

This may not be as funny as if you were there...

In Ireland, the conversation, company and fun you have in a pub is called the 'craic' (pronounced crack).

I, having been to Ireland before, and having researched LOTS before our trip, knew this, but my parents, who were visiting Ireland for the first time, did not.

When we chatted with the manager at our hotel, he mentioned that the local pub has wonderful crack. My parents (who were both hippies at one point) looked at eachother with eyebrows raised, and then looked at the manager, wondering (yes, they were, I asked later) if Ireland was so open about it's illegal drug culture. I hastily explained the true meaning, and we ALL, including the manager, had a good laugh.

A friend of mine told me about a conversation he overheard while riding the Tube in London. Two young women were discussing their respective dates of the night before. One of them exclaimed "...and his chopper was enormous!" Actually, more like "...and 'is choppa was eNOHmuss!". My friend let me know that, according to the rest of the conversation, they were not discussing this guy's Suzuki, Harley, or Norton.
Everytime I hear someone say "enormous" with particular emphasis, it brings a smile.

A truly surreal moment:

Sweet-old Brit couple, in the Murano glass museum and looking out a door into a small courtyard with small garden:

He: "Oh, well, we're outdoors now."

She: "Oh, well, then, so we're not indoors anymore, are we?"

I tried to see if they were being at all humorous... not a whisper of a smile.

In the mid seventies we were in Dublin and on our second night in a bed and breakfast place we asked the woman running the place if we could have a shower. She looked at us with wide eyes and said " But you had one yesterday!"

I was recently working in Lithuania and we were having a meeting involving a couple of male Lithuanians and a female interpreter. At one point my colleague, in a bid to make his point but forgetting where he was, stated " I don't know why you're having a problem with this concept, it's easy-peasy!"
We couldn't understand why the interpreter had a stunned look on her face and the Lithuanians were smirking. The interpreter refused to explain what the problem was and it was only later that one of our female colleagues, after some research which may have involved the buying of strong drink, got an answer. She would only explain it by stating that the word 'peasy' sounded like a Lithuanian word for a part of the female anatomy which is associated with cats!

Similar story to Miss Prism's rat tale:
Friends were in Sanur (Bali) restaurant when one of the women spied a rat running across the rafters. Usual female screech brought forth this gem from the owner: "Don't worry, not our rat - next door's rat".

By report: An old lady off a cruise ship docked in Sydney (Australia) last December, to a waitress: "Honey, is it always so hot here in winter?"

Her friend, trying to come up with a suitable tip: "And can you tell me what 10% of Australian dollars is? I'm sorry, but I can only figure 10% of American dollars!"

This one I can vouch for: in Hanoi, a young man of Vietnamese appearance (albeit suspiciously pudgy) asking us in pure Tennessean, "Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me if it's all right to drink the water hereabouts?" When I emphatically advised against this he nodded. "Thank you. I guess that explains why I've been feelin' a touch queasy these last few days."

Hi

Sat in a hotel bar somewhere in the US mid west -

Middle aged US lady : How do you guys live with the war in Europe ?

My wife (misunderstanding) : No, it's all over, 1945, Germany lost

Middle aged US lady : NO ............ Iraq

Peter
www.the-languedoc-page.com

OK - this probably isn't funny to anyone else, but it still brings tears to my eyes!

I met up with my parents at a campground in Virginia Beach. Once their camping neighbors found out that I was from Williamsburg, they came over to talk about the wonderful time they had in our town. Their most favorite experience was the drum and fife corp, but they pronounced the e which is normally silent. So we sat there and split our sides trying not to laugh as they said "We loved the drum and fifE corp so much. The drum and fifE corp was our favorite. The fifE is so pretty..." etc. etc. etc. I swear they said fifE 20 times.

Now, in hindsight, I realize we should have politely corrected them, but we didn't.

We still call it the fifE corp today.

man utd to win trophy this year

--My 6'7" hubby from Alabama got into a verbal altercation with a waiter in Austria over pronounciation. Hubby conisders himself BEER EXPERT, writes beer reviews and so on...He had practiced his ordering phrases over and over in German. Everything he asked for, the waiter corrected his German and would answer rhetorically, "Vas iss das Bock beer?" "Vas iss das Vise beer?" I speak a little German and I swear I couldn't tell a difference. Finally, after getting worked up into a nervous state, my hubby, upon receiving the final bill said, "Grassius." Sigh...

Several years back at Hampton Court outside of London when the Concorde flew over just under the speed of sound someone asked our tour guide "Why would Henry VIII build his castle right in Heathrow's flight path." The tour guide, in full costume, totally lost it and could not stop laughing.

I was eating breakfast in a posh hotel in Sydney, Australia. The couple next to me looked like savvy business travelers, and judging from their accents, thoroughly American. The man was reading from his morning paper that Joe DiMaggio had passed away. He then quipped "Joe DiMaggio lived in San Francisco.. I didn't know he was gay!"

An American in an Irish B and B asked if he could have a fried egg without the yolk.
Landlady surprised: Why would you want a thing like that?
American: Because of cholesterol.
Landlady: Sure, we don't have that sort of thing in Ireland.

On the flight over to Germany, the big screen TV flashed flight information such as temperature, air speed, distance to destination, etc. It did so in English and German. The German word for airspeed is something like "gershwundigkeit ubergrund," which I am told literally means "air speed over ground" (please ignore the hideous spelling).

Anywho, the word stuck in my head and my partner's head for several days. Whilst in a Munich elevator along with several Germans, my partner loudly blurted out "gershwundigkeit ubergrund!" They looked at her and me as if we just fell out of a tree.

This might qualify as more pathetic than funny, but when we were visiting DD in Siena she told us the following story...

A group of students with AHA were on tour at the Sistine Chapel and one of the girls looked down at her sandals and said, "Oh, my toenails look SO CUTE!"

We were visiting the huge gothic cathedral in Speyer Germany. When we walked through the front doors and first took in the vista of all that empty space our friend from Okloahoma said, "sure would hold a lot of hay."

Years ago my companion was a well known comedian in the US, so take this only as his ("Jewish") humor.

We were walking around Sacre Coeur looking at the gargoyles, I said, "I wonder what they mean" and he quipped "that is what they think of the Jews."

Another time we were standing on a mountain looking out to sea in South of France and I said, "look at all that water" and he said "and that is only the top!"


(To this day I smile when I see gargoyles thinking about what he said [you can fill in any word really] and come to think of it I think of his sea quip often too)

ttt for a TravelTalk greatest hit.

I have a few treasures, too many to mention from my dad:
- On a bus, upon hearing some of the stones at Stonehenge came from North Wales - "why are we seeing rocks from no where?"
- One summer in Vegas - "120 degrees in the shade? No wonder people gamble!"
- In Palermo - "Why doesn't anyone speak English here?"
- all over Italy, Spain and France - "gracias" for "thank you", never mind that I corrected him with grazie, grathias, merci.
- same trip - would ask someone in English if they spoke French, and then force me to ask them in French his question (I never caved in to my dad's request).

In Segovia, plotting our trip to Portugal, my dear friend from college looks at her Euros and exclaims suddenly "Oh, look how pretty this coin is! I wonder what country it's from. It says here Port-u-g-a-l." I asked her to repeat it a few times, she didn't understand, and I finally clued her in.

At the Monterey Aquarium, a friend of mine exclaims - "Wow, there sure are a lot of fish in here!"

Oh, I forgot my favorite, not said while traveling, but while planning a coworker's lifelong dream of going to Venice. She's deathly afraid of planes ever since what happened 2 blocks away, 4 years ago yesterday - "Can we drive or train to Europe?"

I heard that Britney Spears, in replying to a question about her trip to montreal (from Hollywood), said that she really enjoyed traveling abroad.

Driving lost through the streets of Toronto, pulled to the curb to ask directions. The reply from the young man of the couple approached was "We're from America, we don't know sh--".

Uncle of mine living in Palo Alto Cal.for 50 years, born in Enkhuizen , The Netherlands,worked for HP.He returned to the netherlands the first time after moving to california 25 years later. He bought a jacket he still wears, now for 30 years.After this occasion he returned several times to Enkhuizen. he always goes to the harbour , looks at the boats, especially one particular boat,previously owned by his family and walks up the pier. last year a supplier of his at HP told him, knowing my uncle is dutch, he bought a boat in Holland and transported it to the states, and put a photo of the boat, shot in Holland ,on the cover of his catalogue. He would send the catalogue as soon as possible. On the cover was the boat of his family, on the end of the pier stood a man with the jacket he bought 30 years ago............
what are the odds...

In Austria the mayor of a village has cried out for help on TV.. the nameplates of the village always get stolen by english and american tourists

the name of the village is "fucking"

A German friend of mine once witness a tour bus stop nearby him in his home city. Out jumped a middle aged american couple heavily burdened with bags and cameras.

"Honey! You take the Churches and I'll take the Castles!"

While travelling with a german speaking friend of mine in Austria we stayed once in a beautiful inn near the Danube river. They had a special during that part of the year so we were told that we would get the room for a low price of 100 Euros.

After a nice dinner and a good night sleep we had to leave early so I went downto the desk and requested the bill. A few seconds later my friend came walking down the stars, still yawning, and dragging his suitcase. He approached the desk, took one look at the bill and exclaimed shockingly in german: "211 Euros!! We are not paying that! Do you think you can swindle us just because we are tourists!"

The hotel clerk paused for second and calmly told my friend that he had been looking at the room number.

Overheard at Mycenae while looking at view from the citadel:
Mrs. Tourist: "It is really dry and barren here."
Mr. Tourist: "Well, it would have been a lot greener when this place was built, because it was nearer the Ice Age."

I just love this - almost like "america's funniest video's" or the movie & tv "bloopers" Fortunately, I'm alone at work so my cries of laughter are not disturbing anyone...!

In Sepphora in NYC: Having had about 5 mins discussion with sales assistant:
She: Where are you from?
Me: Sydney, Australia.
She: Wow, your English is really good.
Did you learn it at school?
Me: Mmm - yes.

On a trip to Southern California we were at the San Diego Sea World. There you can buy frozen fish if you want to feed the dolphins yourself. A young kid behind us asks his mom: "Are these fish real?" Mom replies: " I´m not sure. I´d guess so."

This isn't a travel story, but just happened yesterday and I can't resist sharing.

We were having treats at work for someone's birthday. One of the men said, "What flavor are these almond bars?" (duh!)

Person attended a bingo session in the "Gaeltacht" - a part of ireland where Irish is spoken as the daily language. He was delighted that "they called the numbers in Irish, but wrote them on the board in English". Think about it!

Cod, I beleive you!!

Working in San Francisco, originally from Russia. A co-worker from Fiji asked me, seriously, if in Russia people use the same math as on Fiji and in SF. She didn't mean Roman numbers, no. She really meant math.

"I was once stopped outside St Paul's station and asked where the cathedral was!"

I can beat that. Some years ago, I walked out of my hotel in San Antonio, crossed the street and leaned up against a wall while I looked at my map to see where the Alamo was. I asked a passerby where I could find the Alamo. He looked at me with a straight face and said, "Mister, you're leaning on it."

In my defense, anyone whose been there would agree that it is a lot less impressive than you'd imagined.

Not sure if this counts, but I guess it would be from my mother on our first visit to Italy. She asked me if the bath towels were actually tablecloths as they looked like tablecloths and were as large as them too. It was at a 2* hotel outside Florence where we were accomodated by Globus Tours.

Another fav story of mine happened while I was in Taipei, Taiwan. I was talking to a friend on my cell in English when couple of Americans (obviously there to teach English) my age passed me by. They overheard my conversation and did a double take, whereupon I overheard one kid say "Wow, we sure are great teachers. No accent on that one!" I cracked up for days whenever I called home to NY, where I was born and raised.

TTT

Ex-husband, an Aussie on visiting a bar in SF asked for a rum and coke (a favourite 70's tipple in Oz). Three time the perplexed barman asked "pardon, sir?" and three times request was repeated. Finally barman shrugged, disappeared, then returned with glass of rum and piece of cake.

Hey Pat, if you ex was from your current "neck of the woods", he'd have been asking for a "Bundy & coke" wouldn't he ? LOL
Rum .... my Mum was a "near tea totaller" but made the booziest puddings,Christmas & B'day cakes you could imagine. None of that watered down muck for her - she always insisted on OP, AND commandeered the very best whiskey (better than whisky, she reckoned) & cognac for them.

Overheard (not by me) on the Luas (tram) in Dublin.

Kid 1 - "what are you getting Liam for his birthday"?
Kid 2 - "Mmm not sure, i was thinking of gettin him a book.
Kid 1 - "But he already has a book"!

My husband & I went into a pub in rural England. Hubby went up to the bar and asked the young barmaid for a pint of beer and an Irish Coffee for me. The barmaid's response "Oh I don't know where the coffee comes from"! We laughed for weeks afterwards

Travelling in France at a pizzeria, a waiter, who we knew and had dealt with pleasantly before, responded to my request for a menu with modest impatience:

"Please, I speak English but I do not understand it"

I was working at a travel desk in the Hilton Hawaiian Village in the 80's, when a very irritated man brought a crumpled napkin over to one of the other agents. He kind of tossed it at her and said, "well, what are you going to do about this?!" Upon opening it, she found a rather large dead palm roach. She asked the man his name, calmly looked it up on her manifest, and then announced to him (and everybody else in earshot) that she didn't see anything at all about pets being allowed in his room on the manifest.

o.k. this is something someone almost said, but it is true. on a side street in Le Marais in Paris, an old man was leaning out an open window on the second floor, wearing only a sleeveless undershirt on top, holding one of those big bowls of cafe au lait in two hands and talking to another old man in the street. it was a postcard type scene. my mother turned to me and said "look at that man, would you believe I was just about to say this is just like it would be if we were in Europe?". love you mom.

At the recent Pompeii exhibition at the Canadian Museum of Civilization, a guide was explaining to a group that Mount Vesuvius erupted in 79. A woman turned to her husband and said: "We were in Hawaii in 79, why didn't we hear about this?"

On our first visit to Paris I was supposed to buy a baguette(bread) in a bakery, but instead I asked for a barrette, which rised some laughter. It means a priest cap!

In March we were in Venice, at the Museo Correr. In one German gallery my husband noted the number of paintings by Pittore Tedesco, an artist he'd never heard of. That's because "pittore tedesco" is Italian for "German painter."

Well pehaps not the FUNNIEST but certainly sticks in my mind. Traveling in the late 80's in England. I met a funny woman from Missouri. Canadians were wearing maple leaves on everything to show everyone that they were not from the United States. They would tell you this with giant grimaces. The funny lady from Missouri said "why don't they make if really difficult and take of the levys"

This was funny and embarrassing

In Hawaii this summer every time my sister had to ask for directions she treated anyone Asian we were talking to like they just got off the slow boat from China.

I likey go to airy port
I think I spit food out laughing at this one.

Generously the people approached by us laughed along, as we held our eyes in our hands also laughing. My two nephews on the trip with us.

And for the two of you who haven't heard these Southwest Airlines gems..

Overheard during flight attendants' opening announcements:
'For those of you travelling with small children on this flight, we are SO sorry...'
and
'We remind you this is a non-smoking flight and it is a federal offense to tamper with a smoke alarm in the lav...For those of you who really must have a cigarette, we ask that you climb out on the wing and hey, if you can light it, you may smoke it!'

Husband and I and my mom were in Denali on the 8 hour wildlife tour. During the long rough drive we saw Grizzly's and their cubs, just born Dahl sheep, moose and about every sort of wildlife.

As the tour was heading back and things were a little quiet the bus driver asked if anyone had any questions...one older gentleman asked "how do they get all the animals back into their cages at nite"...

I thought my hubby was going to choke...The bus driver just rolled his eyes and kept driving! LOL
Janet

Scene: waiting in line to check in to a New York City hotel late at night. When the nice-looking American family in front of us reaches the front desk, the father politely announces to the clerk: "We're the Jones family, in room 315, and there's a naked man from Argentina in our room."

A few years ago, DH's sister and brother-in-law stayed with us in Paris for three looooooong days.

One evening we took them to the Tour Eiffel and bro-in-law, the bumpkin who travels mostly with his big, opinionated mouth - said,

"In five years they'll have trouble finding people who speak English to work on the Tower."

Some years ago, after just returning from a European trip, we ran into one of DH's old flames at a party.

We told her about our trip and mentioned that the dollar was pretty weak at that time.

She said, "Yeah, I know. I am going to Hawaii in a few weeks, and I'm really worried about that!"

DH's excuse for dating her, (25 years ago) .....'she was an arobatics instructor'

DUH ... who's the dumb one, she could do them, I can't even spell it ... aerobics!

Thanks to whoever ressurected this one again! I'm laughing harder than ever!

merci,
mom

Here's a recent one I heard upon landing in Las Vegas and on our way to the gate. Over the intercom, the flight attendent says, "Sorry for the bumpy ride to our terminal. It's not our fault. It's definitely not the pilot's fault. It's the asphalt!"
Get it?! I thought that was pretty funny.

Towards the end of our viewing the Vatican exhibit at the world's fair we were stopped in front of the Shroud of Turin.

Our then 12 year-old daughter said in a loud voice,
"I'm sorry but none of this impresses me".

I was studying German in a small town in Bavaria. One day I was out in the countryside taking a hike and lost my way. Feeling confident in my speaking ability, I approached an old farmer and told him I was lost. His response was so confusing to me and spoken in such a dialect that I retraced my steps instead of trying to find the way. Back in class on Monday, I told my story to the class. The teacher couldn't stop laughing. Seems that instead of saying I was lost, spatially, I'd actually told that poor old farmer that I was lost, spiritually. The teacher assumed the farmer was directing me to the closest church.

Am telling on myself, but plead that I was deliriously ill!! In a small emergency room in Southern France, I tried to explain that I had "poisson ivy" No, no, I recanted - I did not mean fish ivy!! I then tried "le jardin" while miming digging in the ground, but the doctor kindly explained that I would survive and not need to be buried in the garden. Fortunately, Prednisone is the same in any language and we finally came to a happy meeting of the minds!!

in BCN:
18-20ish girl: "Oh my God. That is a hooker." (pointing to a hooker).
her friend: Don't point. You will have to pay for that.

in Marrakech:
Guy at a juice stand to me "Yoo hoo! Hello how are you i'm fine."

in Siena:
My mother: Claire, where are we going?
me: I don't know. I've never been here before.
mom: But you said Italy was a lot like Spain.

Don't know what happened there - sorry bout that

Ok really weird posting problem - looks like I've posted twice, but havn't at all....anyway:

A friend and I recently went visited a National park to do some hiking and selected a trial called "the wood bufflo trail". We kept having to go off into the bush to circumnavigate bison hanging out right on the path.

Up to my neck in thistle, I turn to my friend and say:

"well, I guess this is what we get for choosing the "wood buffalo trail" in rutting season.

She looks at me soulfully, an assortment of twigs sticking out of her hair and replies:

"I thought maybe the trail was shaped like a buffalo".

Silly bug.

Cheers,

Murphy

My boyfriend is half Belgian and can pass for a Frenchman. When we travel to France, people always stop him and ask him questions in French. He doesn't speak a word. So, this one time, we were traveling on the Metro and someone asked him if he spoke French, "Parlez-vous francais?". He replyed in his best French, "No, vous parlez francais." Which means, "No, you speak French." To this day, it makes me laugh.

Many, many years ago in Cozumel (before it became a big cruise ship port) we overheard a woman repeatedly whine "I want to go to chicken its" over and over again and louder each time. It took awhile to figure out that she meant the ruins Chichen Itza. She couldn't figure out how to communicate what she wanted other than to talk louder. So now on vacation "I bet she wants to go to Chicken Its" has become code to for someone being whiny or complaining about people not speaking English.

This is a great thread!

I was in Florence in 2004 with 3 friends (former friends actually, since the trip we havent spoken at all....it was a nightmare!)

As we were shopping around the market, one of my friend's wanted to purchase a nice leather purse. She started bargaining with the vendor, but was offering him a price obviously lower than what he wanted to accept. He kept telling her this was top quality italian leather...which it was. One of my other friend's decided to chime in her two (embarassing) cents and said "This isn't good quality, I grew up in an Italian family I think I know my leather"!!!
I couldn't believe it, I was so ashamed to me with her. Could you believe the nerve of some 21 year old punk Canadian chick telling an Italian leather vendor IN ITALY that she knows more about leather than he does???

Totally mortifying.....I'm sure you can all imagine why we no longer speak! LOL!

Layla

Just this morning, on the bus to work. A little boy and his grandfather got on and sat behind me. They'd obviously just returned a hired car or van, and grandfather was explaining about returning it filled up with fuel: "If they give it to you with a full tank, you have to return it full; or they'll fill it up for you, but they'll charge you"

Little boy: "Like a rhino?"

And bless his heart, grandad said without a beat:

"No, that wouldn't be good for custom, if the man leapt over the counter and charged at the people, would it?"

A young (15 or so) American boy to an older companion whilst admiring the Statue of David in Florence:

"You know - it's amazing that they made this without the aid of laser guided cutting equipment"

When our son was about 12, we stopped off one weekend on our way home from the Kenai River to Anchorage to watch the Bore Tide. Turnagin Arm has one of the highest bore tides in the world. Unfortunately, when you are on a high embankment above, and looking down on a 6 foot wall of fast-moving water it doesn't look all that tall. Our son piped out to the crowd, "I see why they call it the 'boring' tide".

In Costa Rica my friend and I were at a bar and she said to me "I hope they play some Sean Paul"
And a guy who had tagged along with us from our guesthouse also from Canada
asked "What's Sean Paul, a shooter?"

riiight.....

Overheard in an outdoor cafe at the Marina Grande in Capri....Two men, obviously American and boorishly comenting loudly on passersby, yell out to the waiter (pronouncing very slowly and deliberately), "How-a do-a you-a say-a police-a in-a Italian?" To which the waiter calmly replied, "Grazie," and walked away. I spit out my drink I was laughing so hard.

Background: "Blaues Wunder" (blue miracle) is the name of a bridge at Dresden, built about a century ago and considered a miracle of engineering at that time. The bridge was painted blue, but in the long run the colour has faded to a pale turquoise.

We were standing at a viewpoint on a hill high above the bridge (Loschwitzer Höhe, for those who know Dresden) when a mother with her five vear old son arrived.
The little boy asked, "Mama, what is the Blue Miracle?"
Mother: "The green thing down there."
(She started laughing herself a second later.)

While on a walking tour in Amboseli National Park--the Maasai guide mentioned that the track in the ground was from the elephant dragging his trunk; blond about 18 asked where he was taking it!!! My companions and I could hardly keep our composure.

This is a great post!

Was in Florence last year...visiting the Boboli Gardens...here is an excerpt straight out of my journal...

"At one point I walked by a group (British) and there was this little stairway leading up to this little statute, and someone in the group said 'Someone should go up there to see if there is anything worth looking at'.

Suffice to say I was rather stunned....this little stairway was right at the top of the path, above the main fountain..and when you turn around back towards the stairway you just came up..the entire palace and all of Florence is spread out below you....

see if there is anything worth looking at......

uh...yeah

Ok Travelbug - I give up. Who is Sean Paul?

Sean Paul= Reggae-esque singer/rapper.

I don't know how I ever missed this thread. I have been laughing soooooo hard! About 12 years ago I was in Manaus, Brazil with 4 preachers and their wives on a missin trip. One of the wives had been a career missionary in Africa. I was a travel agent at the time and had done alot of research on their customs and what not to do. (I was just a regular person on our trip...meaning I was not married to a preacher nor had I ever been a career missionary), After we had checked in at our hotel the wife who had been a missionary tried to obtain a face cloth from one of the housekeeper. When she thought the housekeeper understood what she wanted the gave the OK sign with her index finger on the thumb. In Brazil, the OK sign meant middle finger in Brazil. When she realized what she had done, she turned so red with embarassment she looked purple. She then commented that she never even used the OK sign back home in the USA. By the way...she never did receive any face cloths either.

ttt

American gentleman in the Dublin, Ireland zoo taking a picture of a raccoon, says knowingly to his wife, "I just want to get a picture of this one in its natural habitat Dear!"

Just today I was thinking of an incident (thanks to a comment on another board) and than tonight I see this thread.

We were on an island in the Carribean (I don't remember which one, maybe Jamica). Anway we were at a great funky bar/cafe. Everyone was having predinner drinks. Two American couples came in and one of the men obviously had already had a lot to drink. They ordered beers, he had a Bud or something. They had a couple of rounds. Everyone noticed them as the tippsy guy was quite loud and irritating. Well he had a fit and a half when it was time to pay because he said he was getting ripped off because his beers was twice as much as the other beers. The poor waiter got all flustered. One of the men at another table (American group) said something like "hey buddy, you ordered an imported beer that is why yours cost more". The drunk slammed his fist on his table and roared "IMPORTED HELL, I DRINK THIS BEER EVERY NIGHT AFTER WORK, THIS AIN'T NO IMPORTED BEER, DON'T GIVE ME THAT SH*T!" The other American gentleman said "well yeah bubba, except you AIN'T AT HOME AFTER WORK NOW. In case you haven't noticed you are NOT in the good ole USA. So shut up and pay up". The entire room broke into laughter and applause. The drunk's buddy quickly paid the bill and they were outta there, lol.

Sitting in the airport in Boston waiting for our flight to be called...BF and I overhear man talking on his cell phone saying with great assurance: "Yes, we CAN roast your nuts."

Getting my hair cut shortly after returning from a trip to Europe earlier this year. Hairdresser asks about the trip. One highlight I mention is finally returning to the Louvre in Paris after not being there for many years. I mention that we, of course, stopped to see the Mona Lisa and that it was great to see her again. Hairdresser says, "I suppose it's a little different every time." Hmmmm... I reply, "No but she IS in a different room from where I saw her the first time." Hairdresser: "So, is it a show? Kind of like a musical?" Had to choke back laughter since she did have scissors in her hand!

Years ago, before my first trip overseas, I was talking to a woman I work with. I said how much I wanted to go to Europe and felt England would be a good start. We both work and live in Massachusetts. She mentioned that her sister-in-law was thinking of going somewhere but the SIL would rather go to Hawaii. Besides "She wouldn't want to go all the way to England. That's too far away." LOL! I had to use my primitive artistic skills to draw a map of where Massachusetts is in relation to England and Hawaii.

LeeParis

My parents can be quite wicke4d when there are american tourists about.

A conversation they had in venice went something like

Dad: are you sure this is amsterdam
Mum: Of course I'm sure, look canals, boats, tourists - amsterdam
Dad: But we seemed to drive an awful long way, and it seems a bit warm
Mum: well amsterdam can be warm, where else could we be? Look lots of water, people speaking foreign - amsterdam.


I'm not sure I find it funny but they certainly did at the time.

Not really traveling, but at a Harvard-Dartmouth football game. A father and son were coming out of the men's room and another patron said to them, "At Dartmouth we are taught to wash our hands." Without missing a beat, the father said, "At Harvard we are taught not to piss on out hands!"

On a recent trip to Paris, I took my girlfriend to see Sacre-Coeur (her first time). We decided to take the long walk up the steps, and when we got close to the top she asked, "Why are all these people sitting here waiting?"

Evidently, she thought that the tourists facing away from Sacre Coeur were waiting for a bus...

I told her to turn around and enjoy the view!

While in Beijing ended up eating in a restaurant called Moscow Bar eating russian food listening to a chinese band singing Rocky Mountain High by John Denver! We couldn't contain ourselves!!

Thanks for the laughs!

We were checking into our hotel in Costa Rica a few years ago and there was a German couple ahead of us.

Herr Gutschmidt asked the Costa Rican desk clerk "Is it safe to drink the water here?"

To which the clerk replied "Of course it is; Costa Rica is not Mexico."

OK, so my brother called me the other day and gave me some rough details on his TDY. He said something along the following, "OK, I can't be 100% sure about my plans, but let me see what my itinerary looks like." Being the goofy brother that I am, I responded with "It's probably paper with alot of words. Maybe 8-1/2 x 11."

A code phrase for stupid tourists was coined many years ago in my family -- and when I say many years ago, this was after a transatlantic sailing of the steamship Liberté from New York to Le Havre, followed by the boat train (a steam engine back then!) from Le Havre to Gare Saint Lazare in Paris. I was all of 6 years old. My family shared a compartment with an American couple who had also been on the ship. As we rode through the Norman countryside, the woman exclaimed in amazement, "They have COWS here!"
Ever since then, whenever we see a stupid tourist, no matter what the nationality, somebody always says, "they have cows here!"

Overheard at the Barbacan centre in London. As you may know English bacon is different, ie, thicker, less fatty and not generally cooked to a crisp as in the US.

Two Americans:

"Hey that bacon at breakfast was great"

"Yeah, but they don't even bake it, why don't they call if fry-on?"

I was traveling with a group of Americans. We were walking along the tower bridge and one of the women said to her friend "It is so fun to hear African Americans speak with a British accent"...

Not exactly on topic, but I was trying to buy a "bottle of water" in Santa Monica, with my English accent, and was getting nowhere.

Exasperated I resorted to asking for "abaddlawadda" which acheived the desired result.

A young American girl about 14 was crying on the street in Paris. Her tour guide came up to her and said, "Don't you want to see the Louvue Museum?"

The girl said, No!

"Don't you want to see the Notre Dame Cathedral?" said the tour guide.

The young girl said, No!

"Well then, what do you want to do in Paris," said the tour guide.

The young girl responded, "I want to go to the Hard Rock Cafe and get T-shirts."

Wally, that's not funny; it's typical.

A very drunk friend: Let's dance until we're 40!

We were at Disneyland and overheard a 6 year old screaming in hysterics at her mother, 'THERE'S NOTHING FUN TO DO HERE!!!!'

A German friend of mine sent a junior employee to the train station in Stuttgart to pick up a visiting American who spoke little if any German.

The American got in the car and did not fasten his seatbelt, which is required. In fact, part of the belt was sticking out of the door.

A policeman stopped the car and said to the driver: Ihr Beifahrer ist nicht angeschnallt. The American passenger looked at the driver for the translation.

The driver turned to his passenger and said: He (the policeman) says you need to be fixed.

abgeschnallt = buckled up

A few years ago, we (unfortunately) ended up sitting beside an older and obviously North American (not sure if they were Canadian or American) couple at a little pizzeria directly across the street from the Colleseum in Rome - the entire meal they complained about the food in Italy. The highlight (or lowlight, depending on your point of view) of the conversation: "they can't even make a pizza properly here!"

Not exactly a travel story - last night at our neighborhoud pub, the waitress explained that she only speaks english, but when she's on vacation in Puerto Vallarta and has had a few drinks, she can speak "Mexican" fluently. She also, when explaining what wines were available to my wife, said that they had "chardonnay, Jackson Triggs (a brand of wine), and house white". We asked if the house and Jackson Triggs were also chardonnay and she replied indignantly "it's Jackson Triggs, not chardonnay" (this is like saying "It's a Ford, not a truck!").

We were at the New Orleans Zoo looking at the tapirs (kind of a huge, black sleek pig that weighs about 500 pounds). A local family wheels their stroller up a few feet away from us, peruses the tapirs, and the wife says to her husband, "What's that ooglie-booglie?" and the husband says, "I don't know, but it looks like good eatin'!"

My friend and I were in a bar and overheard a military guy asked a girl where she is from. When she responded Scotland, he said "you must really love that movie 'Braveheart'." We thought that was so hilarious. Later that evening he was standing next to us at another bar (he didn't know we were near him at the first one) and chatted with us. After we found out he was in the military my friend said "you must really love that movie 'Saving Private Benjamin'" (purposely combining the serious war film and the comedy with Goldie Hawn). He got the most horrified look on his face, like we just insulted something sacred and said "You mean 'Saving Private Ryan,' yes I do. I was dying inside.

I love this thread. Here is my story: I was riding a train in France and the seats in my train car were facing the rear of the train. A couple from Texas boarded the train and the blonde wife asked the conductor, "Is this train like going to go backwards the whole way?"

We were at Fiumicino Airport in Rome and someone getting on an Alitalia flight was angry that the personnel were speaking Italian.

My first post. Have had a good giggle & decided to join.
Some years ago I overheard an American woman after she had snorkeled on the GBR for the first time. She approached a crew member and asked, "how long did it take you to make it?" Apparently she thought that the reef was made from chicken wire & a very resilient type of paper mache!The crew member replied that it had taken quite a while!

As I will soon explain in my travel report...overheard something funny, and "roll the eyes" at the same time.

Standing in line for tickets to the Pitti Palace in Florence. Husband and wife (southern US accents) saying to the ticket agent "We want to see some art". "Is there art in here?"

Uh...yeah.

Standing in line at Santa Maria Novella waiting to buy Eurostar train tickets to Rome for the next day. Group of four Americans (again southern US accents). "Just tell him that we want the pronto train to Rome". Pronto train? I don't think they have one of those.

I whispered to my friend that I bet $20 bucks that they will be on our train, in our car...what's the chances? You guessed it. They were sitting right across from us down to Rome. Too funny!

I guess it wouldn't have been as funny if they had had California accents, right?

Really enjoying this thread! I have several to contribute.

In 1982 during a trip to Europe I was going to see Schonbrun Palace in Vienna with my girlfriend. As we approached the Palace my girlfriend kept insisting that this couldn't be Schonbrun Palace because it was yellow. According to her Palaces were white.

During a ski trip to Lake Louise I asked the waitress what kind of wine they had. She replied they only had local wine. I was very happy to be able to try some Canadian wine and ordered some. She returned with a mini bottle of wine. I examined the label and asked her,"Since when is California part of Canada?"

Years ago I was driving my sister to her college roommate's house in Collinsville, IL. They were going to drive to SIU together the next day. Since we were so close to St Louis I suggested driving over to see the Arch. While I was parking the car I heard my sister ask,"Why are there so many cars with Missouri license plates?" I said,"St Louis, Missouri. Get it?"

And my favorite: About 25 years ago, just after Margaret Thatcher had been elected, my cousin had two young men from Manchester, England visiting her. We took them around and showed them the sights of Chicago. In an attempt to make conversation I askd the men,"So what do you think about Margaret Thatcher?" My cousin said,"Who's Margaret Thatcher?" I said,"Kathy, Margaret Thatcher is the Prime Minister of England." My cousin brightly replied,"Oh, you mean she took over Churchill's job." The men totally lost it!

22 years ago at an airport zomewhere in India. a very gullible young man saying goodbye to some friends, and every second word was "cosmic". He had met some guru in ragged robes and believed all the new-age nonsense the trickster had told him.

While visiting family in Buffalo, NY, a friend of my cousin's asked me what language we speak in England.

Changing some money long ago in Hong Kong. The girl counted it..."six, seven nine, eight". I said; "eight, nine" but she insisted on 'nine eight'.

Something someone else overheard from visitors to Windsor Castle: "It's a nice place but it's a pity they built it so close to the airport." (Heathrow)

I was in Montreal and a taxi driver asked where I was from. I said I was English, he responded "From Toronto?", I said no, his next guess was Vancouver.....

Unfortunately this happened right here in my hometown. I was in a small shop, admiring some beautiful African baskets on display. The owner, noticing my interest, came over and explained how the baskets were from Africa and were made by African men. Having traveled extensively in Africa and having lived there for a while, I found this interesting, as in my experience most African basketwork is done by women rather than men. So I asked her which country the baskets were from, and, looking at me as if I were the stupidest person she'd ever seen, she said, as slowly as if she were talking to a three-year-old, "Af....ri....ca."

Unfortunately some of the funny things said were from my friend whom I was traveling with. We are both Canadian.

Walking in Rome, we turn the corner where we see the Pantheon. And my friend says, "Wow it is so odd how this big building is just built amongst other peoples apartments and stuff" I replied, "Umm, the Pantheon was here before everything else. These apartments were built around the Pantheon."
She was like "Oh, I never thought of that"

Then later in the day she said that she found Mexican to be much easier to understand than Italian.
I love my friend but I did have a good laugh at her expense.

First overseas trip, Paris, took a tour around the city in a 9-passenger van. Another American couple in the van had already spent two weeks in France. The husband commented that he was "totally churched-out."

The driver of the van was a very charming and amusing young man who was more than happy to critique the architecture of the city. He explained to us how much the citizens of Paris hate the new opera house using a mix of English and rather colorful French terms.

We pulled into a parking space in front of the Louve and received info about the museum, history, contents, etc. As our charming driver was exiting the parking space, he backed into the car behind him. The car was occupied by a very chic looking French woman who proceeded to honk her horn and yell out the window. Our driver simply drove away explaining that this is what is done in Paris--no problem. I love the French!

I was on a cruise in 2005, and opted to do one of the shore excursions to an animal sanctuary in Belize.

On our way, the bus had to pull over because of a big cycling race being held that day. We watched as a small group of 4 or 5 cyclists whizzed by, followed about 10 seconds later by the main pack.

A man who had been asking dumb questions all day piped up and asked, "Why is the first group ahead of the second?"

The whole bus lost it.

Once several years ago I told someone in Hawaii that I was from New Hampshire. She asked me how I like the United States and how long was I staying in America.

When I explained NH was a state it was in New England, she was only more confused and said I didn't know New England was in America.

Another "Americans being geographically challenged", I'm afraid...

On holiday <vacation> in Florida, I was chatting to a lady in Ocala, FL; she asked where I was from...

- "England", I answered

- "Is that far?"

What is it? About 4,500 miles, 5 time zones... no, not that far, really...

topping for smiles

Many years ago...in my high school days I went on a group tour with one of my teachers and about 20 other students. This was my second time to Europe, but it was the first time for many of my classmates.

As we were walking to the Eiffel Tower one of the boys turned and asked me (with a serious look on his face) "Is it the same time at the top of the tower as it is here on the ground?"

Apparently he didn't get the concept of time zones just yet!

Not such a stupid question,

In accordance to Einstein's theories, being further away from the centre of the earth, the top of the tower will have a higher rotational velocity caused by the turning of the the planet.

As such, relative to someone standing on the ground, time will pass more slowly at the top of the tower.

On their descent, the person at the top of the tower's watch will be behind that of the observers on ground, albeit imperceptibly. They will also not have aged as much.

In my next discourse I shall explain how time bends around heavy objects.

It's been a while since my last contribution...but as we all know, the more you travel, the more stories you get.

This past summer on our Baltic cruise, I heard the following:

London Heathrow: Wow, they really do speak with those cute accents here!

Leaving the Ice Bar: I don't understand why they won't let us take the glasses as souvenirs! (um...because it's made of ice, it's summer, and it'll melt so it's pointless?)

St. Petersburg, Russia: We can't be in Russia. Where are all the guys with the furry hats? (maybe because it's summer?)

Berlin in late June: Wow, there sure are a lot of soccer fans here...

And lately, from my friend's wife, who touts herself as extremely well traveled: I want to go Bern, Germany.

No matter how much a Swiss friend of mine tried to correct her, she insisted Bern was in Germany...at least they speak German there!

Years ago, while travelling with a lady friend, and visiting a family in Yorkshire, England, we had to catch an early train, and as we were acending the stairs to bed, our host, Clive, said "so shall I give you ladies a knock up in the morning"? We stood transfixed, not knowing what to say back to him and he looked as us like "duh?" , I'm waiting for an answer. Learned later that it means "shall I knock on your door in the morning?" Whew...!!

Years ago on a L.A to Melbourne flight a lady asked "have we refuelled in flight" Well I guess it is a long flight!
At Agrigento,Sicily, a man stating loudly " It,s just another pile of rocks and dust!"
After arriving in London we decided our B&B wasnt up to scratch,so after 1/2 hour we checked out. The manager asked us "Have you used the Bed?"I was horrified then,but now I can laugh!
This is from our Scottish friends..true story. A teacher decided to have a morning tea to meet all the new teachers. She had invited the new Indian Language teacher. Just as everyone was arriving,the hostess's black labradour hid under the table. As she started to pour the drinks the dog sat on her feet,she said "what do you want Blackie?" The Indian teacher replied "I'll just have coffee like everyone else"
These are just a few!

My parents were visiting friends in Arkansas and went to a restaurant for lunch. My father ordered a sandwich and told the waitress he wanted "beaucoup mayonnaise" on it.

The waitress said, "Oh, sir, I'm sorry, we don't have that brand. We only have Kraft."

Okay, here's one I almost forgot...A taxi driver from Cambridge told us that he once had a Pakistan man get in his cab and yell "quick, take me to yummca!" The driver said, "I know this town like the back of me hand, but couldn't fathom where Yummca was, so I ask him again but he just kept yelling "Yummca, Yoummca". So I gave him a pencil and pad of paper and said, "please write it then". He very impatiently wrote: YMCA.!!! then kept yelling "Yummca."

Not strictly for "Heard abroad"

I was taking part in a Italian themed Murder Mystery recently. One of our friends who was playing a French character, tried out the french phrases he remembered from school. He repeated "My name is library" several times, despite being told what it mean't insisting WE were wrong.
Also when everyone was asked who they thought did it. He replied "I think I did it, but I don't know why". We found out a few days later, his pamphlet stated "You are the Murderer", but he never reveiled it as he wanted to appear smart by getting it right.

On a trip to Barbados with family, on our arrival at the apartment, we were warned about the drug problem they had there. It didn't really worry us, but kept it in mind. We dumped our luggage and went for a quick walk to get our bearings. On our return a large gent with a strong local accent, was trying to give us some a strip of, what my dad thought was, drugs. We spoke to the landlady later and found out the porter was trying to give is complimentary mosquito tablets. Embarrassing for everyone!

On our first plane journey as children, we were given sealed, folded up wet-wipes. Not knowing what they were and seeing the picture of a lemon on the side, I told me sister they were like mints. She opening one and popped it in her mouth, and immediately spat it out. Kids are cruel sometimes, but its not always intentionally.

Both from a trip to Disneyworld during the 25th anniversary celebration in 1997:

As we were about to enter what is now Tarzan's treehouse (obviously a man-made "tree")--gazing up--says to her companion, "My goodness, how old do you think that tree is?" (hmmm, I think, maybe 25 years?)

We stayed at a sprawling resort called Dixie Landings, which had 8-10 different buildings, each with a name, and about four bus stops. One woman on the bus did not know which stop to get off at, and shared her confusion with the driver. He asked the name of the building in which she was staying. "It's the Winn-Dixie." Snickers all around the bus (name of a grocery store chain in the South, for those not familiar).

Having lived in Alaska for 10 years of my life, I've been asked a multitude of dumb questions. Some of the most common:

Did you live in an igloo?
Is it really dark all the time?
Is there snow all year?
How do you like being back in the States?

I just have to open this one up again.

We just returned from a trip where I was chatting with another American woman about travel. She said they had just returned from Puerto Vallarta but she kept saying over and over PORTA VALLARTA (pronouncing the Ls).

Later my husband and I were commenting...didn't she ever watch Love Boat because they went there every week and pronounced it correctly? Also, a friend commented, Didn't she hear them announce the name of the place when they docked...oh 20-30 times?

It was hysterical!

My friend was teaching me some danish while on a weekend in Copenhagen.
she taught me, among other things, loosely pronounced "yai tayle ich dansk" (i dont speak danish).
anyway we were in a shop later and this drunk old man turned to me and started speaking in danish. I responded with my new phrase. later with other danish friends i recounted the story-
that i'd mispronounced a little and said (loosely pronounced) "yai teule ich dansk" ..they looked shocked and told me i'd said to the man "i don't tolerate danish". lucky he was drunk.

Atop the Space Needle in Seattle: "Is that Japan?"

At the Detroit-Windsor border crossing in July, in a car with Texas plates and skis on the roof: "I thought it was winter in Canada".

At the desk in an Atlanta hotel, talking to a couple from New Mexico: "May I see your passport?"

Me, in France (like Elle's husband, back in 2003): speaking English with an Inspector Clouseau Frenchie accent.

Last week at work I called Fedex to schedule a pickup and confirmed the co. address including "Juneau, Alaska". To which he responded, "Oh, Iet me transfer you to international"!

He kept apologizing profusely during the rest of our conversation.

RE: At the Detroit-Windsor border crossing in July, in a car with Texas plates and skis on the roof: "I thought it was winter in Canada".

Now, THAT is funny!!

England? Is that part of London?

My youngest son (23) had a hard time adapting to the different language while in Paris last year. While at an English-style pub watching the Superbowl, he was in a conversation with a young lady from Australia at the bar. After some time of her speaking with her accent, he said to her, "I'm sorry but I only understand English."

Two more...

First one: I (long ago - at age 6 years) was in Tennessee staying at a hotel and there were a group of Saudi Arabian men in the lobby, yelling at the desk clerk - Don't give us no static! For years, that was a catchphrase in our family

Second: I am the red-faced one here - Right after my husband and I moved to Germany, we visited Munich, Dachau, & Hohenschwangau. I didn't speak much German at the time, and it was about 10 pm, and I was exhausted (new baby wasn't letting me sleep much). We had stopped for dinner and there had been a waitress that spoke really good English. We couldn't find a hotel, so we went back to the restaurant to ask if she knew where one was. She wasn't there, so I decided to ask the bartender (one of those places that becomes a bar when meals aren't served). I completely lost all of my German, and so I just took out a map of the town, said hotel, bitte? and made a 'sleeping' gesture (laid my head down on my hands to the side). The bartender cracks up and says Nein, Nein....and shows me his wedding band. I was so embarrassed I just left.

Oh Heather, you hussy, that is so funny!

When we were living in Lousiana we were planning a trip to Montreal. I went to the local library and asked if they had the Fodors or Frommers books about Montreal. She said they did not but they did have a nice video series about California. ????? I passed on that!

Katy

In texas someone asked where I was from and I replied great britain, and he answered, wow your english is good!!

We were sitting in the Louvre on banisters by the winged victory. An Italian mom ran after her small son and started yelling at him for running away, waiving her free hand in a very Italian way. Suddenly she switched to very bad, broken English, still yelling and waiving. Since this was clearly not a "teachable moment" for learning languages, she must have decided that yelling was not correct behavior in Paris; she have decided to pretend she was American since they have no manners anyway.

In Paris last summer, we went with a visiting friend for a walk on the Left Bank. We stopped in at a church (St Sulpice, I think), where a group of tourists was looking at a shroud. Our friend snickered when she heard a fellow Brit ask "Is that the shroud of Turin?" Um. No, check your boarding pass. You're in Paris.

Half an hour later, though, it was our friend's turn to say something silly. As we crossed over from the Left Bank to the Right Bank, marvelling at the sunset view of Notre Dame, she blurted out, "Wow. That's amazing. Someone should write a book about that." Um. They have. It's called the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

My family had a going-away party for me in 1999 when I was moving to Switzerland. One of the guests asked me if I would be taking Swedish lessons once I got here.

Maybe me, in Italy, getting a yeast infection--TMI, I know (for the Brits, this is the same as "thrush). At the pharmacy trying to get my point across (my Italian is ok, but I don't know medical terms!)..at the pharmacy saying "femminile problema..lievito"

LIEVITO?? that's how you say yeast, all right, but..that refers to yeast used to cook bread.

Finally another customer who spoke english overheard and died laughing, explained the situation to the pharmacist and to me, and we all laughed.

And yes, I then got the medication I needed.

crazy!

"If I could find a really good 'Winnie-the-Pooh' book, I'd buy it." This on the streets of New York!

This happened a couple years ago while visiting the Chess Board Mesa, Zion NP in Utah . http://www.worldofstock.com/closeups/TAU3808.php
The informative panel in front of it describes how and when the horizontal and vertical lines were formed, and a couple is reading it. She asks: “so which lines are horizontal and which ones vertical?” He answers right away, with his arm going from left to right: “These are vertical”…then with his arm going up and down “And these are horizontal”

Sitting on the steps of Sacre Ceour in Paris, overhead two young things from USA persusing brochure of Southern Germany and planning the later stages of their trip:
1st young thing: "Do we want to go to this New-swan-stine castle built by this mad king they talk about in here?"
2nd young thing: "No, I heard he just copied the one in Disneyland."

Crossing from Canada back to the US, the border officer asked my father-in-law where he was born. In his heavy Polish accent he answered "I am borun frum Brooklyn." The officer didn't answer and let us through.

Nothing real funny to post, but just an aside here to Kate W - that actually is a copy of the Shroud of Turin in St. Sulpice. Last September I made my way to the church (sans sister who wasn't feeling all too good that morning) and on the left as you enter St Sulpice there is a display of both the front and the back of the shroud.

Twoflower, that's amazing! But, having taught high school classes since the dawn of recorded history, I'm not surprised.

this wasn't actually on vacation, but upon returning. I was showing my aunt pictures from the Galapagos and she looks at me very seriously and asks, "so, who feeds all those animals?"

Where do people get these ideas?

A small group of people cut in front of the rest of us in line for Sans Soucci Palace in Potsdam. I think they are part of a tour group but am still a bit upset. The elderly, very British man behind me says to his 3 other very British and elderly companions: "Must be French".

An American woman remarks while looking at a piece of modern art in Berlin's Neue Nationalgalerie: "If you gave a monkey paper and some crayons, I think they could have made this".

I was in a restaurant in Paris and before the meal I needed to use the ladies room. I was so busy looking at the different entres and platters on the tables as I wound my way down the aisle of carpet that I didn't pay attention to where I was going. Suddenly a waiter came up to me and said very gently, "The lady coming toward you; she looks familiar, no?" I looked up to see myself staring back in the mirror that covered the entire wall. He then pointed me to the restrooms.:">

Victims of the generation gap: We're leaving a lake at a state park in Texas when we hear an old, pot-bellied gentleman holler to his friend (in a stereotypical Texas accent), "Bo-ob, can you hand me mah thongs?"

An old thread but still nice to read and smile;
Here are two:
I am Turkish and live in Cappadocia;

One e-mail I received: We are American and Canadian citizens wishing to come to Turkey, do we need passports ?

in my Answer: For sure you do, even it was not for Turkey I believe to go out of your own country you will need one.

Ballooning is big activity for Cappadocia and balloon companies do offer shuttle pick up service passengers from their hotels....

Just got a question: We will be staying in Sultanahmet in Istanbul, what time would you pick me up for a balloon ride ?


People might be lossing their feeling of how a country can be large or small and asking naive questions are also makes us smiling and I am collecting those for a small book in the future

Please share yours too......

Happy travelling and cheers,

Murat

Murat
How funny! I look forward to your book!

Good ones

While standing on the roof top of our Athens hotel at night, looking a the beautifuly lighted Acropolis, we heard an American tourist yell "What is that Thang?"

When my sister and I were fairly young, our family drove by car to Mexico from Montreal. We drove through Chicago and then headed south to Dallas, somewhere on the road we stopped for snacks at a small store. The lady asked us where we were from (most of us had heavy Swedish accents, father a light British accent). However since we said Montreal since we were living there at that time. The lady said poor you, which we thought was strange and then proceeded in showering my sister and I with candies, no charge. We were very puzzled but as we were leaving relized the lady thought we lived in igloos in a land of perpetual snow.

Murat I paricularly like the one about the pick-up in Sultanameht, Cappadocia is very far away. I loved my visit but unfortunately the weather was not good the 2 days I was in Cappadocia, maybe I will be back one day so I can take a balloon ride.

Resurrected!! Sounds like fun so here goes.

On a flight from New Orleans to St. John's, Newfoundland my partner and I are wearing little red poppies in on our coats for Rememberance Day, November 11. Flight attendant asks what they are and we tell her. She then asks where we are from and we say Newfoundland, she repeats "New Finland" in a very sweet southern accent. "My God, you all will have a long flight to that country... its in Europe, right."

We were on the train in Germany and a mom must have told her young son something... all we heard was him yelling "NEIN-O NEIN-O NEIN-O NEIN!!" Apparently it was something he did not want to hear!!

We still get a good chuckle over that today!!

overheard at Niagara Falls, Canada by a teen girl commenting to her boyfriend "are the falls real or man-made?"

Oh, that reminds me of a couple!

I wasn't exactly traveling, but showing my photos at an art show. One was a photograph of Stonehenge I took in 2005. It had the capstones and all, of course. I heard one guy ask his companion "do you suppose those are manmade or natural?".

Other comments heard while showing photos:

Looking at a castle on a cliff: "Is that someplace near by? I would love to go see it this afternoon. Note: There are no cliffs in Florida. None. We are a swamp, mostly, with a couple low hills. The highest point in Florida is 345 feet, well inland. While there ARE some castles in Florida (Coral castle, Zorayda, San Marcos) those are all patently NOT O'Brien's Tower on the Cliffs of Moher (the 660 foot cliff they were looking at).

Atop the Space Needle in Seattle: "Is that Japan?"

Brilliant - love it!

Picture this in Florence, Italy. My daughter and her husband in the elevator at the Uffizi Museum with a fellow American husband and wife. The woman looks over at them and asks with a loooong drawn out Texas accent: "Have you'all seen the David? Is it worth it?" I nearly died laughing when my daughter related this to me. "Is it worth it" is one of our favorite catch phrases now - done with the accent, or course.

The first thing that comes to my head is the person on a tour bus in Washington, DC, where I was the guide, who said, "What's that building over there with all the Canadian flags on it?" Duh. The other passengers took care of him. It was, of course, the Canadian Embassy.

Then there are the kids. When you go to the memorials in DC, you sometimes get the statement, "Not another dead president." Duh. What did you come to DC for?

When I operate as a tour director/tour guide, the most frequently asked question is "Where are the toilets?" People are so worried, I guess that (a) there aren't any or (b) I don't know or won't tell them where they are.

Old lady offered tour bus driver a handful of peanuts. Driver graciously acepted. 15 minutes later, the old lady offered more peanuts. After a few offering, the driver asked what's with the peanuts and the reply was "I can't eat them. I have false teeth." The driver ask why did you buy them then?
The old lady replied: But I love the chocolate coating on the peanuts.

Bording a late flight of turkey I heard a smal voice behind me asking his father "why do aircraft have seats daddy?". This level of questioning continued evry 3 or four minutes and each time the father gooed at the clever question and then answered calmly.


Four hours later after discussing the purpose of pages in books, coffee in cups, glass in windows, wind, etc etc at came the master stroke
"why do aircraft have wings?"

The subsequent question started the crying which continued to touch down.

I understand the teacher profession have a phrase "you can't beat children" but I can think of about 250 people on that flilght who might have disagreed

What am I missing here, Bilbo? What was the subsequent question, and who was crying?

I'm guessing the answer was 'so we won't crash' and the child realized that he could crash ?

Waiting to cross the street, there was a father with his little boy. The boy stepped off of the curb and the father told him to get back on the curb. No reaction from the boy. The father repeated his command firmly. No reaction. The father took the boy by the arm, yanked him up, and said with not a little anger "I told you to get back on to the curb!" The boy, crying, asked "What's a curb?"

Sad but true....... May 2006 I was waiting in a queue at the Vatican to purchase a couple of audio guides. As usual there was a range of language options and you need to tell the staff which language you speak. The next thing I heard was a really silly American lady call to her husband "honey, they don't have any in American, what should I do?" She was such a stereotype of the ugly American tourist, that it was hard to believe she actually said that. Her husband was mortified.

Heard at the Venice train station: A woman with a group of people around her telling them 'Just because I planned this trip for everyone does not mean I am in charge of you having fun!"


Johanna

I was telling a friend in Chicago that I was going to Bethany Beach in Delaware. She looked at me very puzzled and said "is there a lake in Delaware or something". I had to point out that Delaware is on the Atlantic Ocean.

The Australian expression " G'Day " (short for good day) was written on a t-shirt.

An American girl came and asked what "gee day" meant?

People in Australia got confused about my "No Kangaroos in Austria" t-shirt and want to know what it meant. They kept misreading the last word. I thought it would be such a nice conversation piece. I did get conversation, but not what I expected.

Some of these really have me laughing out loud!

My contribution:

In Death Valley, California, after an exceptionally robust winter rainfall, there will be a rare display of brilliant wildflowers covering the arid land. Visitors are thrilled to travel there to see this rare display.

During an exceptional wildflower-laden April trip, we overheard a young woman (late teens or early 20's) angrily complaining into the payphone, "Everywhere you look, there is nothing but yellow flowers! And if that's all there is, I'M LEAVING!!"

MarieLousie hope you come again for ballooning, stop by for a cup of coffee we are in the hearth of Urgup

CD I will try to do it but still need some more materials

Yet another one; I am at Goreme Open Air Museum, for those who do not know the place, a national park where early Christians lived and survived early 2nd century, with lots of cave churches, chapels and a particular one called Dark Church with great frescoes and you kind of read bible looking at pictures;

I small group of Turkish teens and family looking at the walls a little uninterested and a young girl stated, so what they draw here are just some pictures and to see those we pay extra admission, give me some paint I do better ! I was speechless and trying to keep silent wanting to tell parents to teach them something of the cultures we inherited. or maybe I should offer some paint to her to show us her skills

Cappadocia is a name of a region in Turkey. Many people coming to the hearth of it stop their car and ask "sorry but can you tell us where is Cappadocia ? So I talk about Cappadocia to some Turkish persons and Cappadocia is in Turkey they asked we hear a lot about Cappadocia and wanting to join a tour there but do we need a visa to get there ? I could not speak for a while......they were thinking it is elsweher in Europe

Happy travelling,

Murat

We were in Yellowstone or the Tetons, on a boardwalk in a fairly wooded area full of buffalo during mating season. Rangers had warned the tourists that the buffalo might charge upon a group if threatened. My brother and I were delighted by the sounds of huffing and grunting, even though we had not yet seen the herd. But when we came around one corner, we saw in front of us, a small group of tourists huddled together and a whole lot of buffalo.

A large male buffalo was standing on the boardwalk about 20 feet in front of them, staring them down, huffing and grunting, and basically blocking continued passage on the boardwalk. My brother and I joined the group, who were quietly discussing just what to do. The fear was palpable. A young boy clutched his father's hand while watching with all seriousness. He looked up and said, "Daddy, I'm not afraid, I'm a Christian! and God will protect me!. Dad replied, "Tell that to the buffalo."

Did Buffalo listened ? what happened after

Here is something funny that is travel-related but NOT something stupid said by an American abroad.
Some clever folks at Mitchell Airport in Milwaukee hung an "official" sign overhead just past the security scanners. It says RECOMBOBULATION AREA.

While on a tour of L.A. the guide pointed a great Sushi Buffet except he pronounced it "Soshee Boofet", my mom, husband, and I were in tears we laughed so hard and 5 years later it still makes us laugh.

This classic forums topic is featured in a blog post on the site today (and in tomorrow's newsletter). An editor brought it to my attention recently because she thought it contained so many laugh out loud stories. If you have a story to add, I'd like to hear--I'm in the mood for a little chuckle.

The blog post: http://www.fodors.com/news/story_3408.html

I don't have a really great one off the top of my head but I was asked some months ago while standing at the corner of 52nd and Broadway which direction Times Square was in. This tourist was facing south at the time and it was at night--all I could think to say was "Go towards the lights"... Not a really dumb question I guess but it just struck me as funny...

In a room of statuary in the Louvre there was a Pieta by some obscure medieval artist. A woman with a strong Texas accent said (loudly) to her husband, "Hey, that's the same statue we got in our living room back home! Remember, the one we bought in Rome?"

Uhh, no, I assume that one is a copy of Michaelangelo's Pieta in the Vatican.

At a conference in California I was navigating through the day's luncheon buffet, which was a make your own taco experience. I was looking for the ground beef, salsa and sour cream, but one of my fellow travelers had a more urgent question. He stopped an employee, pointed at the frijoles and asked with a very worried face, 'Are these vegetarian beans'?

Also heard while leaving a cruise ship in Skagway, Alaska: Woman pointing at the sky and seeing a hole in the clouds..."Is that the hole in the ozone?" And similar to what another contributor heard ..."What elevation are we at?"

We were in Iceland, a thousand years ago and the rental car season was over, so we took a tour outside of Reykjavik. The tour guide gave us the obligatory numbers and history inlcuding its volcanic origions. The landscape is such that the astronauts used to train on the terrain since it most like that of that moon on Earth. The tour guide asked if there were any questions.

A baritone sourthern voice boomed from the back of the bus, "How much does this bus weigh?"

I was in the middle of London in Trafalgar Square and two U.S. tourists walked up with a map - the man had an Hawaiian shirt, tan shorts, black socks held up by those little sock suspenders and hard soled dress shoes - the woman had on a flowered dress and an enormous hat. The man approached me and asked "Whare's TrafoulJER Sqwar?" I'm from the U.S., but was so embarrassed, I responded in an Italian accent and said "here ees Trafalgar Square..." He turned to the woman and said "Marge, doesn't anyone speak English in this Godforsaken country?"

Back in 1997, we were planning to fly to Maui. The day before our scheduled flight, the pilots went on strike. Luckily for us, President Clinton stopped the strike. Aboard the plane on the way to Hawaii, the flight attendant asked our 9-year old son, "Aren't you glad you're going to Hawaii?" He answered, "Oh yeah, we almost didn't get to go, but our President George Washington stopped the strike."
The flight attendant glanced at me, confused. I shrugged my shoulders and said, "California Blonds."

Back when they still served food aboard planes, I took a morning flight from L.A. to Las Vegas. They served something that resembled Egg McMuffins. A woman sitting next to me pushed her sandwich to the outer edge of her tray, saying to the flight attendant, "This isn't kosher."
The flight attendant carefully lifted the top of the muffin with one hand and used her long nails to grab the bacon, yanking it out of the sandwich. "Voila!" she exclaimed, pushing the sandwich back toward the woman.

After more than 25 years, here are my best ones:

New York woman watching the sunset in Mallory Square, Key West: This sunset is wonderful; does this happen every night?
---------------------------------------------------------

Woman to tour guide at the Athabasca River bank after watching her husband go off on a white water rafting trip: No, I won't go back to the hotel with you, I'll just sit and wait here for him to return.
--------------------------------------------------------
Mississippi gentleman at SeaTac before flying to Alaska: Where do we exchange our money?

--------------------------------------------------------

American woman traveling through the Canadian Rockies:
How much does that mountain weigh?

Tour guide answer: With or without trees? (Or with or without glaciers?)

--------------------------------------------------------
The following is my funniest personal story by far:

Two New York ladies discussing the Scottish kilt uniforms at the Banff Springs Hotel:

Woman 1: What's that hairy thing hanging between his legs.

Woman two: I think it's called a scrotum.

British gentleman overhearing the conversation: It is only a scrotum if one has X-Ray vision; it's called a sporran.

While we were in Italy, a family walked by with two very small children, about 3 years and 4 years....our friend said, "Can you believe that? As little as they are and they are speaking Italian like it's nothing! Where did they learn to speak italian like that!"

I lead art tours in Italy. Last time I was there an American couple stopped me on the street and asked me how to get to the Sistine Chapel. When I gently told them that since it was in Rome, I would suggest they go by train, they left in a huff, after telling me they would just find someone else to ask since I obviously didn't know my way around Florence.

While taking a tour of the Pearl Harbor Memorial in Hawaii, I overheard an older man explaining the significance to his young "trophy" girlfriend. After his explanation, she asked, "Did anyone get hurt?" (Sadly, a TRUE story.)

I was driving along the turnpike and got that lower bowel rumble that signals disaster. Fortunately there was a rest stop not much further. I went into the restroom and, knowing it was going to be nasty, found the stall the furthest away from the door way in the back with nobody else around. It was nasty. As I was getting ready to leave the stall, I heard voices in the stall next to me: "Mommy, it's stinky in here." "Yes," the mom replied, "it sure is." I had to fight not to laugh.

Many years before the Channel Tunnel existed, I was at Victoria Station with a friend.
The public lavatories had signs "Ladies" "Dames".
"Oh", quoth she, " that must be for Americans".

More recently I was on a London river boat and sat opposite a group of Americans.
One of the women asked, "What happens when the London Eye gets to the top?"
One of the men, catching my eye said, "It turns over".
"Oh my, and the Queen rode it!"

I and the naughty American remained sober as judges.

SFR_DANIEL wrote:
At a conference in California I was navigating through the day's luncheon buffet, which was a make your own taco experience. I was looking for the ground beef, salsa and sour cream, but one of my fellow travelers had a more urgent question. He stopped an employee, pointed at the frijoles and asked with a very worried face, 'Are these vegetarian beans'?

Many refried beans are made with lard.

On a cruise ship...the wife of a couple heading for the pool mentioned that it was time for the free ice cream buffet. The husband replied "Do you think I want to waste all that time standing in line for anything?" Sounds like a busy, stressful vacation to me!

Years ago in Italy we were surrounded by an American tourist group overlooking Rome when one of the woman whined to her husband "Well Harold we have a lot of beautiful bridges in our country too!". My Brit wife repeats that one a lot.

Recently in Sydney we watched a gut taking pictures of the Opera House from the Botanical Gardens, when his wife asked him "Well have you taken the mandatory 1,000 pictures of the Opera House yet?"

After touring NYC all one morning one of our exhange students asked me, "So when do we get to the oart with all the tall buildings?". At first I was annoyed that she had not been paying attention, then realized that compared to Chinese cities, NYC is no longer that impressive.

Years ago in Acapulco my husband decided he wanted a cheeseburger for lunch. He asked the waiter to bring him "a hamburger with cheese on it." A short while later the waiter brought him a hamburger and a cheese omelette. When my husband explained that he wanted cheese on the burger, not a "cheese omelette," the waiter said, "well why didn't you just order a cheeseburger?"

Overhead in the Accademia Gallery in Florence Italy ... A female US tourist looking at Michelangelo's David said loudly to her tour guide "Where all men in Roman time built like that?" A man that was most likely her husband smiled and suggested that he was built like that but she ignored him.

At Blarney Castle it started to hail, my friend who found Ireland to be "magical" started to collect the little hailstones and put them in her purse,she thought they were crystals falling from the walls. She came down to the ground level and asked "Did you get any of the crystals?!?!?!?!" Couldn't believe it when she found her purse wet!!!!!

This from my mom (well educated and well traveled but on occasion a little loony): It was the early 50's and Mom was attending a convention in Quebec City. Daddy was at home taking care of the my brother, sister and me. She dutifully sent a picture postcard of Chateau Frontenac to her family in Michigan detailing her wonderful experience, explaining it was "almost like being in a foreign country". Mom died many years ago but we still have that postcard in a family scrapbook. She was able to laugh at herself.

One for the geographically challenged: A friend spent her college summers working for a AAA travel center preparing "Triptiks". Her favorite request was for a woman planning a trip from Detroit to Boston and wanting a routing that would include a stop at Yo-si-mitty (Yosemite) Park. She was hoping that she could make the drive in 3 days.

Obnoxious woman on Vatican tour, was in Rome once before:
Sistine Chapel (I'm in awe), "I've seen it before";
Pieta (I'm weeping), "I've seen it before";
standing outside the front doors of ST. PETER'S, interruots the guide to ask, "Who is that hanging upside down on a cross?"

Lukehead's post reminded me of something that happened years ago. I was working for the summer (still in school) for Continental Oil Company's Touraide Headquarters. A postcard size itinerary request could be picked up at any Conoco gas station. It would be filled out, mailed to Touraide then then personalized maps marked, showing the requeted trip itinerary. I'll never forget the request someone made to go to Albert Turkey. It took a while but we finally realized he wanted to go to Albuquerque.

I heard a yell one day in this Cafe Toilet, a girl waitress rushed in and came out laughing, then the guys girlfriend went in, I asked the waitress what the problem was and she took a while to explain as she was laughing and Thai, she said the guy had caught his willy in his zip, after 10 mins and a bit of argghhhing, the guy came out all red and swaeting, he realised people knew by then and was embarrased but laughed also.

we were taking a tour of Talum Mexico. As we walked along ,the guide, who's English left a lot to be desired coupled with the fact that he was sporting a brand new set of braces said" We are now about to see the second largest reef in the world." One of the tourists said in a stage whisper"Oh Edna, he says wea are about to see the second largest priest in the world"!

A few years ago DH and I were in Rome when the American football playoffs were going on. The Irish bar around the corner was advertising that the broadcast of the game would start at about 10 pm, so we showed up about 9:30 and joined a table of delightfully rowdy Brits that had been watching a soccer match. Trying to strike up a conversation, DH says to the guys "so have you been watching football all day or just soccer?"

This should be made into a book !!!!
Now that would be a good holiday read.

Muck

Many years ago in Salzburg, I was visiting Mozart's birthplace when a group of American tourists came in with their Austrian guide. As he showed them around the room, he pointed out Mozart's own clavichord, which he proudly noted was the very one "which your President, Harry Truman, played." As their tour continued, he outlined Mozart's life, concluding with an account of his burial in a pauper's grave. This prompted one of the group to ask: "If he was all that good, how come he wasn't rich?"

On our first trip to Venice we purchased a handcrafted mask. We were concerned with getting it back home safely. The young woman clerk assured us it would be all right because she was putting "boo-bell" wrap around it.

And on the island of Burano when trying to decide the amount of lace to purchase for my seamstress mother, the shopkeeper began measuring the lace and describing how much one would need for the collar and "leaves" of a blouse.

Read this one on a restaurant menu in Montalcino: Aromatized chicken chest with potatoes and onions pie

Before leaving for Newfoundland, a co-worker asked DH, "Do they drive on the same side of the road over there?" & "Do they speak English?" .....groan!!

Laffing my socks off!! Still good after all these years. One old, old new.

In Paris, my friend's first trip so I let her choose what she wants to do. "Let's go to the Louvre today." After half an hour, she whines, "I don't want to waste any time looking at a bunch of old stuff."

At Juno Beach a couple of weeks ago, a couple was setting up housekeeping next to me. Tables, umbrella, chairs, coolers. I closed my eyes. She says, "You're not going to put your chair on the blanket are you?" He says, "Of course. You know I hate sand."

G_Hopper, many thanks for posting:

"SFR_DANIEL wrote:
At a conference in California I was navigating through the day's luncheon buffet, which was a make your own taco experience. I was looking for the ground beef, salsa and sour cream, but one of my fellow travelers had a more urgent question. He stopped an employee, pointed at the frijoles and asked with a very worried face, 'Are these vegetarian beans'?

Many refried beans are made with lard."

Many people also don't know that jello is not vegetarian - read the ingredients.

Last October, shortly before our 10 hour nonstop Seattle-Frankfort flight arrived in Frankfort, this announcement came over the intercom: " Will the passenger going to San Francisco please contact airline staff at the gate when we arrive in Frankfort".

Several years ago I saw this "enticement" on a website for a b&b near Lake Bohinj, Slovenia. "Free dental cheek in privat ambulant".

While studying for a year in Paris years ago, I went to London with an American friend for a few days. After touring the Tower of London, she wanted to eat at a McDonald's because she felt a bit homesick. When she asked a policeman for directions, he replied, "I thought you just exported that sh&t. I didn't realize you actually ate it, too."

A group of church women were discussing plans for the next funeral dinner that would held for some family in the church. One younger member asked innocently, "And when will that be?"
Ozarksbill

I just came across this great thread. But I'm confused by the entry by Emjoy on Mar 10, 03 at 11:19 PM:

"... when pulling up for petrol in France my Uncle told the attendant we wanted "Vin litre" (instead of 'Vingt" twenty litre ) and the man looked at him and said 'Monsieur, French men may run on wine, but French cars do not'."

I'm confused because the French words "vin" (wine) and "vingt" (twenty) are pronounced exactly the same.

OK, now I ought to contribute one.

On my first trip to France in 1960, a girl in my group wanted to send a package home. Wanting it to arrive quickly and not go by slow boat (a possibility in those days), she wanted to request a "rapid delivery". Not knowing the word for "delivery", she looked it up in the dictionary.

You can now almost guess what happened: she came up with accouchement, which means "delivery", all right, but in the sense of "delivery of a baby". She went up to the window in the Post Office, and asked in a rather loud voice for un accouchement rapide.

A very brief smile flickered across the attendant's face, but he quickly controlled himself, and replied, guichet onze ("window eleven"). This sent her across the room, where she repeated her request to his friend at window eleven, and which point the entire room burst into laughter.

We have friends in Spain and they speak English and we speak Spanish and no one knows what the hell is being said. One day our friend said, "We bought a two-bedroom condom."
"Very impressive," I said.

A thousand years go we were befriended by students in Barcelona. One night one of the Catalans asked in English, "Is that the sun or the moon?'
"I don't know," I said, "I have only been in Barcelona a week."
The same night, same group one of them said in Ebglish they had to take the tub home. We were puzzled until we realized their English professor was British and they needed to take the tube home.

Here's one that happened in exotic ... Boston! I was there.

It was outside the Boston Aquarium, where there's an outdoor exhibit of some animals. This was surrounded by a large crowd of people, including many families and children. Thus quite a few people were rather upset when an approaching man, just getting close enough to see over the heads of the crowd to observe the animals, called out what seemed to be that most powerful of obscenities known as "the F word".

Just before someone punched him out, though, he continued speaking in French to his family, which was bringing up the rear, and it was evident that whatever he had said, it was not intended to be in English.

The animal exhibit outside the Boston aquarium, as some of you may know, is a tank of harbor seals. And "seals!" is what the man had called out to his family, only in French:

      Phoques!       (The final s is not pronounced.)

A French word that has been amusing adolescent students of French for centuries trips up a French tourist in Boston. Actually, he was never aware of the stir he had caused.

The Latin name of the harbor seal is Phoca vitulina.

In Avignon at an outdoor restaurant, with perfect southern twang: "Do you have pitchers of beer? You know, pitchers?" (with hand gestures).

Years ago my friend and I took our young daughters on a vacation to Puerto Vallarta. We spent an afternoon playing on the beach at Playa Mismoloya, and then decided to have a bite to eat at one of the palapa restaurants lining the water's edge. My friend took her daughter and my two girls into the bathroom to wash up, and when she entered the bathrooms, she saw a lovely long tiled tub with a faucet at one end and a drain at the other. She told the girls to hop in and she would wash the sand off them. Just as she was spraying water on them, a man came in, and in horrified Spanish managed to let her know they were in the men's room, and the "tub" was actually a urinal.

Needless to say, this has become a family legend, always bringing laughter when recounted.

At our B&B in Alaska (Bell in the Woods B&B): One morning, I awoke to find that our water heater was broken and there was no hot water. I called the plumber and hoped he could fix it before any guests woke up to take a shower. Later, during breakfast, I was worried, so I bluntly asked my guests if they'd had good showers that morning. One man said, "Yes, but it is quite cold water, isn't it?" I apologized and told him that I had tried to have the plumber fix it quickly. He looked puzzled for a minute, and then he said, "Oh! And I thought the showers were cold here because this is Alaska!"

We took our son to France for the 1st time when he was 7. I tried to get him interested in a children's French phrase book, but he wasn't enthusiastic. We were in a park one day and there was a group of children about his age, kicking around a soccer ball. He was very excited and went over to see if he could join them. He came back quickly and announced in a shocked voice:
"Mom, those kids all speak French!"
I replied, "Well yes, we are in France...".
He exclaimed rather indignantly:
"But do they have to speak French ALL DAY LONG?!!"

ellenbw, SO cute!....leave it to a little kid to come up with such a good one. I'm sure he was thinking that would really be something to have to speak French all the time.

I do a lot of tour work in Washington, DC, with groups. If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me "What's that?" when he was standing in front of the Lincoln Memorial. . . . They usually realize they have made a really stupid remark immediately afterwards. My answer is always, "It's the Lincoln Memorial" with no disparaging remarks. Hey, I'm a tour guide and have to be nice to my guests.

The classic London silly question is "Why did they build Windsor Castle so close to the airport?" Someone actually said that on the plane once when we flew over. I was on personal travel.

On cruise ships the classic silly question is "What time is the midnight buffet?" I don't think they get enough to eat.

Well, this thread is for Europe and this doesn't happen in Europe, but it does feature Europeans!

I used to work as a tour guide in the old town of Quebec City, and because site I was showing (the Citadelle) had not only a Canadian regiment but also one of the residences of Canada's Head of State (governor general), we'd mention Canada's monarchic system quite a bit. I realised I should have been more precise with my mentions of "the queen", as I was asked at the end of the tour by a French lady if I was talking about the Queen of France... I know the old town is historic, but we did not keep a monarchy following people that were beheaded more than 200 years ago...

There was also one time when a french lady wanted to know where to go to see the Ice Hotel, in july (note - the ice hotel is only solid during the winter!)

And finally, one American man who tried to convince me during a 5min monologue that Quebec should indeed separate itself from Canada (there is a movement of independentism here) and would be better off with the USA, that Canada was crap, French language unnecessary, etc. In a Texan accent. To me who is French-Canadian. He was lucky the fact that I was in uniform kept me from giving me a piece of my mind!

I would love to make a book like this - due credit given to the sources of the stories, of course. Anyone game?

I was thinking a NYT article. I bet it would make the "Most Emailed" list.

A tourist agent on a Windstar cruise commented on some of our unusual travel destinations. When we told her that we went to these places to see total eclipses of the sun, she was astonished - & asked - "Where else do they hold them?"

I've got some that are funny. Let' see. I live in Texas and all time we get others, especially Europeans who have no concept of distance or geography. One Brit couple wanted to know if they could drive on over to California for the afternoon and go to Disney World and be back in time for dinner. Me thinking " Yeah, you can drive across the USA and be back for dinner" but I politely replied "No, it would be too far." An Irish woman wanted to know if New York was near Dallas. I asked two Austalians how they enjoyed Florida, they said we never went to Florida, just Miami. We also get, I don't know how many, that come over here and are shocked that the women don't look like Dolly Parton with big hair and rhinestones, the men aren't wearing cowboy hats and boots with a 6 shooter on their hips, we don't live on ranches and ride horses everywhere and it's not like the TV show "Dallas." Yes, JR Ewing and such are FICTIONAL.

In Avignon at an outdoor restaurant, with perfect southern twang: "Do you have pitchers of beer? You know, pitchers?" (with hand gestures).

Actually there are a number of places in Avignon that do!

Your women DON'T look like Dolly? Well, I'm never going to Texas then.

On a Gray Line bus tour of Toronto, the American family in front of us asked when the Canadian War of Independence was. They seemed a bit surprised when they were shown the Queen's face on a $20 bill. And were told she was still the Queen of Australia too.

Dolly Parton is one of my favorite philosophers. She once said, "I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde."

Most women can't afford to look like Dolly, who once remarked, "You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!"

Texans themselves can be mistaken about distances. I live in Massachusetts, and we once had a group visiting from Houston. They had a free day between meetings, so they rented a car to do some touring. Someone suggested visiting the Old North Bridge, where there's a national park at the site of the first battle of the Revolutionary War. You know,

By the rude bridge that arched the flood,
Their flag to April's breeze unfurled,
Here once the embattled farmers stood,
And fired the shot heard round the world.

Anyway, one of the women from Houston took a quick look at the map, and said, "Yeah, we ought to have time to do that in a day." She handed the map to someone else, who began giving instructions to the driver. After about fifteen minutes (they started in Waltham), the navigator said, "OK, we've arrived."

The original map reader yelled, "What! Let me see that map! Where's the scale on this thing?" The map showed all of Massachusetts, about 120 miles (190 Km) wide (that's the long dimension). When she realized how small it all was (on a Texas scale), her mental wheels started turning. "Oh my God," she said, "we can go to Cape Cod. We can go to Cape Ann." And then, as the size of it all sunk in, she said, "We can go to other states!"

And they did. They drove to Cape Cod, and they drove to Cape Ann (completely the opposite direction). They drove into New Hampshire, and through it, and had a lobster lunch in Maine. I guess when you're from Texas, it all doesn't amount to much distance.

- Larry

kerouac- don't rain on my schmear campaign. It's my little nasty judgmental comment and I'm sticking to it.

Having grown up in Miami, I can understand the Texans' attitude, Larry. It takes a good 5 hours or so just to get out of the state (unless you're on a boat to Cuba!), so being able to do something like that (much less another country, like in Europe) is bizarre, exotic, and downright exciting

I now live in Gainesville, which is only 1.5 hours from Georgia, and it still seems strange to go to another state for a day trip, but I've done it.

We were in Fort Snelling, MN during an unbearable heat wave. We only had a couple days so we began the tour in spite of the heat and felt so sorry for the young people working in authentic costume of the period (1800's? or earlier?).

As we progressed through the buildings we came upon a man who was sitting and his wife was trying to get him to move on. As we walked past him I heard him say to his wife; "I can't go on. My skin is leaking."

It was so perfect for how you felt I still laugh when I think of him.

I second the comment about distances when you are from Texas. I had a friend in Houston who wanted to visit another friend in LA - they looked at a map to plan the trip, and realized that the halfway point was El Paso - still in Texas.

ps - I often think about what the singer Joe Ely says about the West Texas landscape: "If you stand with your feet flat on the ground and look out, you can see 50 miles in every direction. If you stand on a tuna can you can see 100 miles."

True story... 2 of my colleagues were working in England and decided to go to York for the weekend. They visited York Minster (cathedral).

Colleague 1: Wow, this must be from like the 5th Century BC!
Colleague 2: Well, I think they waited until Christ was born to begin building it.

OK, I'm down to June 8, 2005, will have to continue tomorrow. Got some glances at work, why is it I laugh and then cry

I was on an American Airlines flight that hit bad weather and had to be diverted where we sat on the runway for hours. The plane was originally headed for Dallas. People were tired, tempers were short. Finally the guy beside me says with a lot of exasperation, "If they can't land in Dallas, why don't they go on to Ft. Worth?!" I looked at him and said, "It's the same airport - Dallas/Ft. Worth." Poor guy just turned all red and said "Oh."

Our Portuguese friend who worked as a maitre'd on Royal Caribbean cruise lines once told us that one of the passangers came up to him on the first day of a cruise and asked " time is the midnight buffret?"

Mom and I were driving back in to the States after attending a wedding in Ontario, Canada. I was coaching mom on the border stop, so she didn't get flustered and say something that would upset the Canadian border patrol.

Me (pretending to be Canadian B.P.): "What was your business in Canada?"
Mom: "We've been to a friend's wedding."
Me (still pretending): "Do you have anything to declare?"
Mom: "It waas a wonderful wedding!"

I will preface this by saying that both times I've been in France I've had excellent experiences with the people there. So, not bashing the French here...while in Paris with several other high school friends in the last 80's, one of the girls was pretty much physically attacked by dome drunk guy. She was really mad and upset. She said, "You know, they call people in Israel - Israelites, they should call people in Paris - Parasites. Cracked me up when I was 17.

When in Dublin a couple of years ago I was at the National Art Gallery. I was talking to a lovely older man, probably in his ealry 70s) who was a guard at the museum. I was asking him about the Vermeer painting they had there. He told me a Vermeer had been stolen several years ago. I asked him if it happened at the National Galley. He responded, in a great Irish brogue, "No, love, your're protected by natural born killers here!" Gotta love those Irishmen.

Talking about names for citizens of various places: these are varied and often irregular both in French and English. A French man was telling me about some of the French words on one occasion. While someone from Paris is Parisien, someone from Marseille is Marseillais, and someone from Pau is Palois.

So I started talking about English endings. Someone from New York is a New Yorker, but someone from Boston is a Bostonian, for instance. I then asked him if he knew what you called someone from Chicago.

Ah, oui, he said, un gangster! (pronounced "GONG-stair").

I guess he'd seen too many American movies about prohibition.

- Larry

Great story about the Irishman, Kathleen! I can just hear the accent...

I can't believe I forgot to put this in my TR.

When my son and I were on the London Eye, he saw a woman point to a cell phone tower and ask an older woman with her whether it was the Eiffel Tower. The older woman responded, "You can see Paris from here?"!

We were watching the final show of the evening at the Bellagio fountains in Las Vegas. Following a spectacular finish, and the last note of music, there was a momentary silence as a young man said to his friends, "Alright, let's go make bad decisions!"

Then entire crowd burst out laughing. Only in Vegas!

This story is from my parents but too good not to pass along:

My parents were on a tour of the Columbia Icefields in Alberta, Canada when a fellow tourist started to fill her bag with snow from the glacier. My parents asked what she was doing, remarking that the snow would melt in her bag. Rolling her eyes, she replied "Are you kidding me? This snow hasn't melted for thousands of years!"

I might have told this story at one time, but -

We were driving back into the US from Canada with my late FIL. He was born in Poland and although he grew up and married in Cuba and had been in the US for many years, he never lost his Polish accent.

At the border, the border guard asked us where we were born. I sunk beneath the steering wheel when FIL answered in his heavy accent "I am borrun from Brooklyn."

This was heard by about 200 passengers on a cruise we were on several years ago:

One night, in the lounge before the regular entertainment began, the cruise director was playing the Newlywed Game with four couples.

One question asked was: "where is the most unusual place you've ever had sex?"

When it was time for one young female contestant to respond, she looked very serious for a few seconds and then blurted out proudly:

"In the butt!"