i have to come to the defense of the poster above who proclaimed she was happy she got married in NY...so am i!

in our circle (italian american) fairly large, rather formal weddings are typical. afternoon mass, evening reception, with an extensive cocktail hour and full sit down meal. (on the subject of food, there is more food at a NY cocktail hour than i've seen at some of the nicest weddings i've attended in MA, where dh is from)

anyway, cash gifts are the norm. without naming numbers, dh and i received enough money at our wedding to put a down payment on our house. THAT is the point....when a young couple gets married and everyone gives cash, it helps them get started off in life.....it helped me and my dh and now we go to weddings and we give cash and it helps other young couples. you receive, then you give.....

i find it interesting that a number of you have commented that you are worried you might have offended someone with your gift giving. frankly, if they are offended, do you really want to be friends with them?

we got married at a vacation destination so everyone had to travel. because of that, we made sure that most meals were taken care of and there were activities for most of 3 days. we were just happy that a friend or family member were able to travel to celebrate with us. it didn't matter what they gave us. in fact, some didn't give us a gift but we considered their airfare/hotel costs to be more than enough.

i heard about "cover your plate" rule just recently. now, does that just include the cost of food? or does it take into account the cost of venue, band, flowers, clothing, rentals (tent, tables, china, etc)? food is usually such a small part of the expense of a wedding.

as an aside, the most extravagant wedding gift i've ever seen was a $50,000 diamond bracelet my best friend received from one of her father's associates. crazy and odd! but i got to wear it at my wedding

This thread continues to amaze me. I thought the loot pinned on my friend's wedding dress was a lot of money (they spent it on the honeymoon - which was a gift to Hawaii from a family member). But, to get enough cash for a down payment - boggles my mind! Of course, it was not unusual for my high school peers to have their house finished (that there daddy was building for them) before the wedding. These weren't showy folks - just wanted the kids to have a house to start out in - with no mortgage. Simple wedding though.

there - should have been "their"

I get the cover the plate rule but its not about subsidizing the cost of the wedding - its just a rule of thumb. And the cash gifts that I've given all go for a downpayment on a house. That's how my dh and I were able to buy a house at the age of 26. You give, you get - like JJ5 has said - its a community banding together to get a young couple off to the right start.


My Big Fat Greek Wedding could have been almost any ethnic group.

This thread is so interesting that I keep reading and forget to post! Anyway, we normally do not give cash as a wedding gift. I prefer to buy something off the registry, but that is just me. Some of my friends received cash, not anywhere near enough for a down payment, but they said that mostly the cash got spent and they didn't really know on what. They were a bit frustrated at themselves for not using it to complete a china set, for example. Anyway, the cash we received at our wedding enabled us to buy a vacuum, lol! We needed one so we were happy. We did receive complete sets of china and crystal, as well as all the other usual household items, so we felt very blessed. I definitely think regions and backgrounds play a huge factor into the cash for gifts issue. It is really interesting to me since I never gave it much thought before. Next wedding we are invited to, I just might start to stress now! lol!

LoveItaly--You got my attention with the thank you notes. Our kids are not allowed to use any gift until the notes are written. Now that the kids are a bit older, it is nice that I don't even have to remind them to do it. The inlaws have never written a note as far as I know and it is so frustrating to not even know if the gift was received. Years ago a coworkers daughter got married. My coworker held all the gifts hostage until the newleyweds wrote their notes. They were done asap, lol!

Wow what a thread. And go figure I'm perusing it 15 minutes before I leave to go to my younger SIL's wedding. More on that later.

Over the past six years my husband and I have been to 19 weddings together, from Portland to Ottawa to Panama. We've seen Hindu ceremonies, sat on the floor separately at Sikh ceremonies, attended Catholic Masses, Protestant quickies... everything except a Jewish ceremony (dammit!). I've worn head scarves, evening gowns, sundresses, and even one b'maid dress that would make a Vegas showgirl blink. No, I'm not linking to pix.

I think the poster who pointed out generational and regional differences re: weddings is spot on. We're both Easterners, and with all the traveling we usually bring a check, normally $100-125. Bringing a gift in this marvelous world of airline security is a Pain. In. The. Arse. And I've had a few online registry mixups (what store gets things 100% right? NONE). Much more is spent on close family.

Do I feel bad about giving cash? Nope. I am not afraid to say that some of these weddings have been, in the words of Gene Weingarten, "ostentatious, wasteful, unseemly celebrations of self in which previously sane human beings wind up developing lifelong personal enmities over ridiculously petty things." But I like to think that our presence is appreciated, and 99% of the time it really has been. My husband has taught me one thing about friendship: SHOW UP. Anyone who insists on some "rule" that you bring a gift at all is either a fool or working for the wedding industrial complex. Just show up, and trust your gut re: what to give.

And, yes, most of DH's relatives live in the NY area, and several of his aunts/uncles wrote us checks for $1K. I was floored. When I asked what he wanted to do for his little sister, he said he wanted to do the same. I gulped, said OK, and that's what we're doing. If her personality wasn't fabulous and generous, too, I would have balked, but we work hard to afford things, and he really wants to do this, so I will not stand in his way. She and her fiance are good eggs.

But she's only getting $25 Birthday gifts from now on

Dreamer2, lol! They are out of stock on Sephora's website, I'll have to shop around. Thanks for the tip!

Oops, my bad, found the Air Stocking. My husband will have a good laugh!!

Hi mms, your post regarding thank you notes have me chuckling as it made me think back to when my daughter was 7 years old. She received an abuandance of birthday presents, a lot of them via the mail.

The next day I asked her to sit down and write her thank you notes. She got quite stubborn and didn't want to do that. She finally said "I don't want to, it is to much trouble Mommy". I responded with "oh, alright, I will write the letters for you". She looked very relieved. I than said "I will write to everyone and tell them not to go to all the trouble to go to the store, to spend time chosing you a wonderful present, to pay for it. To buy the paper and ribbon and the card. To wrap it for mailing, then go to the postoffice, to spend the money mailing it to you. Believe me, they will be so relived not to have to send you presents anymore."

Shocked silence, big eyes. Within two hours she had all her thank you notes written. And they were adorable, right down to the misspelled words. To this day she is great about writing thank you notes.

BTW, I love your comment about your coworker holding the wedding presents hostage. Too funny! Good for her.

LoveItaly--That is precious about your daughter, lol! I remember being about 18 and my grandparents pulling out a scrapbook that had all the thank you notes we had written them. It was embarrassing at the time, but I also realize how much they cherished them. After our wedding, DH had to leave for a deployment about 3 weeks later, so I had all the notes done quite soon since I was by myself. What else was I going to do? lol!

LoveItaly, that's a great story about your daughter! Just this afternoon, I was writing a thank-you note as my mom taught me.

Pat in Michigan, I have a question for you. What do people usually wear to weddings in the Detroit area? I'm going to a wedding there soon and I'm going batty looking for a dress. I haven't been to a summer wedding in ages; I usually wear suits to winter weddings, but I want to look festive for this one. Here in NYC, it seems like every store has dresses that look like lingerie.

I have a feeling that this wedding will be pretty ritzy, just from what I know of the groom's family and the fact that there will be a private wine tasting between the wedding and the reception. However, in the past I have overdressed for such occasions when outside NY.

I've been trying to find a simple sheath dress, but those don't seem to be in style at the moment. I ordered one from Talbots and I just tried it on, and it looks like embroidered upholstery. Any help would be much appreciated!

We have been to many weddings in Michigan and we have dressed up and felt we were dressed correctly. I have worn suits or St. John knits or a summery dress (depending on the time of year) and have worn dressier more cocktail style dresses if held in the evening. These weddings were all in Detroit Suburbs so don't know how it would be farther north or in smaller cities or towns.

One of the biggest surprises was when we went to a wedding in a very small farm town in South Dakota. When we pulled into town most of the men were walking all over town in farmer overalls but what a surprise at the wedding - they were really decked out. Everyone was so dressed up and looked fabulous and of course were so nice. It was one of the nicest and most fun weddings we have ever attended.

Thanks, Cali! I ended up ordering a cotton "beach shift dress" from J. Crew last night. (I also wanted something I could wear to a friend's upcoming shower). I'll dress it up with a shawl or something, if it fits.

I couldn't read all 135 posts, because I was distracted by the one that mentioned that "women from X are better than women from Y" and "CA women are the best..."

Are these adults saying these things?

From people who claim to travel, this is a very myopic view of the world.

Most of the women who attend College X are not from that immediate area.

I'm curious to know what percentage of Auburn students' or Smith students' families are from a 25 mile radius of those two campuses.

I have lived in CA for most of my life.

The overwhelming majority of people living in CA are not from CA.

How can you be so broad and general and competitive at the same time?

Sunny16, you will be dressed perfectly for a summer wedding in MI. I love things that I can dress up or down and sounds like you do too. Have a great time.

Oh, Triple, just let those comments die a timely death. I'm sure they were meant to be volatile, but thank goodness there was little attention paid. This has been an enjoyable thread. Let's not turn it into a squabble fest. The prettiest girls are definitely at the college where your daughter attends and/or where you met your wife!

I too always struggle with what to wear to weddings. The last one I attended was a few years ago and was a summer wedding. I wore a dress with a subtle, floral pattern overlaid with a creme lace. People seem to wear a mixture of light, summery, floral dresses and cocktail dresses. For evenong receptions, a cocktail dress is more common.

OK, another wedding question -- hope you all don't mind.

We just received a wedding announcement which stated there will be a wedding reception at another time. Should we send a gift? (We have never received an announcement before so aren't sure of the protocol.) If we should send a gift, do we do it now or when the reception is announced?

Thanks!

Hi Pat_in_Mich! I'm in the situation as you -- I have a wedding to attend mid-July and haven't a clue what to wear. I think a cocktail dress is in order but would like to stay away from black this time. I guess it's time to hit the mall!