sorry for the typos: the mention of neighbors having babies or facing other life upheaval events was what I meant.

OK, one more remark and it's about baby showers: I have noticed of late how group gifts which used to be things like car seats or diaper service, have shifted to cam corders(at the request of the mother to be).Jeez....

Pam SF: I am glad I am not invited to your events! a camcorder??? that is ridiculous.
Money in the mass card/sympathy card is only something I have personally done a couple of times. Just recently a young cousing (late 40's) died and left behind a child. The dad is a deadbeat dad and grandma is caring for him. We put money in the card to help grandma rather than an elaborate floral arrangement.
On thank yous, I make my girls write thank yous to everyone especially the grandmas. I think it is rude not to formally acknowledge a gift. Sometimes we don't even get a phone call thank you from a niece or nephew. I don't even know if they recieved my gift. I agree that the younger generation is lacking in some of the basic manners in life.
I was just recently at school party where one child actually said that his bag of candy prized sucked. So, there is rudeness everywhere. I am just glad I have nice kids and they seem to have nice friends!

What in interesting thread!

In Buffalo, you give gifts at the shower and money (usually cash) in a card at the wedding. You will only see a few wrapped gifts at a wedding, if any at all!

Weddings are always held in a hotel banquet room or banquet halls. Many are held in Knights of Columbus halls or the Dom Polski lodge, etc. There are very few weddings with less than 200 people.

Maybe it is an ethnic thing. This are has a very high concentration of Italian, Polish, Irish and German and most are Catholic.

Cash wedding gifts are not necessarily big like some others have mentioned. $200 in a card would be for someone very close, like a God child. Most people I know had their weddings paid for by mom and dad, so I don't feel the need to make HUGE wedding donations, although I'm not a cheapskate, either. It really depends on who it is, but like I said, mom and dad still pay for most weddings around here, so whatever money the bride and groom get goes straight to their pocket!

Receptions are generally in the evening. Afternoon wedding receptions are unusual here.

What I find amusing that the next fw weddings I'm invited to are for people who are close to 30 or over 30, own homes and live with their future spouses already, and mom and dad still throw an elaborate wedding. My next door neighbor's daughter is getting married in October, and she's having over 400 people!!!

Different strokes for different folks!

Oh, and yes, you often put money in mass cards at wakes.

This is an interesting & timely (for me) thread. We are attending a wedding next Sunday. Wedding probably w/be around $50,000 (northeast price). It is the son of a friend, and I'm hoping that $300 is enough. In this area, $200 is the "going" price.

When I got married, a good gift was $25; and a great gift was $35!

Today the cbsnews.com web site has wedding gift tips from Vera Gibbons Kiplinger's Personl Finance. In part she says

"Whether you're going to a lavish country club wedding or a low-key wedding at a local hotel, Gibbons says it shouldn't have anything to do with the gift you choose. A nice gift just needs to be thoughtful - not equal to the $300 plate."

What she says about the amount to spend but that no amount should break the bank:

"Here are some suggestions:
Co-worker and/or distant family friend or relative: $50-$75
Relative or friend: $75-100
Close relative or close friend: $100-$150"

I live in CA and find the "cover the plate" idea to be strange. I base my gift on what I can afford and my relationship with the couple but would not exceed $100. If a couple wants to throw a really nice party and invite their close friends and family to the event it does not obligate me to spend a certain dollar amount. It's like sending out invitations for a party and then asking your guests to bring food or drink.

I'm learning so much here that I have to ask more questions..

What about parties? Not showers, but parties honoring the engaged couple in the months before the wedding?

Here couples are often entertained at a number of parties-- cocktail parites, barbecues, etc. Usually several couples (either friends of the parents or the couple) go together to host these.

As far as showers, it's unusual for a bride to have more than one, and it is usually an afternoon "tea shower" held at someone's home. The hostesses, bride, her mother, and mother of the groom greet guests at the door, and refreshments are punch and party pick-up food, but served on your prettiest platters!

The gifts are usually sent ahead (our gift shops deliver), and are displayed at the party for everybody to admire.

Is this sort of entertaining common in other parts of the country?

Hey Suze, you and Vera Gibbons are my two new best friends. I wanted to say "Amen, sister!" as I read your post

Byrd, your post made me think of something. In my neck of the woods a family member was not supposed to host a wedding shower. They usually did so but with a surrogate - mom's best friend, etc. and mom did all the planning. Is that true elsewhere?

OWJ and I had lunch together. It was great to meet a Fodorite in person! (Loved the Italy honeymoon pictures). The owner of the Italian restaurant (originally from New York and then Chicago) confirmed what so many of you have said about cash at a wedding, particularly in her experience with Italian and Cuban weddings. Who knew? Obviously, not me. My apologies if I offended anyone in my surprise as a whole new wedding world unfolded to me on this thread! We ARE a melting pot in this country, aren't we?

As a N.Y. bride I recieved cash and checks galore. In the south it could problably be considered tacky. Boy am I glad I got married in N.Y.!!!!!!!!

It's generally not expected to give gifts at engagement parties. I've seen many people start to put "no gifts please" on engagement party invitations just so people won't feel obligated to give a gift. I think that it's great b/c it increases the chances of more attendance when people don't feel that they have to bring something.

I think this rule applies for barbecues, mexican fiestas, etc.; no gift is technically expected if it's not a shower. I live in Louisiana so that may be the case for just my area though. I think that wedding guests are getting overwhelmed with the excessive amount of showers that brides have these days, and I think perhaps that these more informal (read: no gifts expected) events are becoming more common instead of showers.

I do find this thread quite interesting because it has highlighted these regional variations with respect to gift giving. I've never heard of sending money with condolence cards for funerals. We usually send flowers down here. Also, in Louisiana most people have cocktail/buffet receptions instead of more formal sit down receptions. That could be because we tend to gravitate to the open bar down here in LA!

>As a N.Y. bride I recieved cash and checks galore. In the south it could problably be considered tacky. Boy am I glad I got married in N.Y.!!!!!!!!<

Woohoo, aren't you just the cash cow?

I have spent the better part of the evening reading these posts. It is very timely for me because a dear friend's daughter is getting married this summer. Being from NY State, I knew we would be giving cash, just not sure how much! (I'm still on the fence here...) Usually the gift registry information comes in the invitation around here, but none with this one.

My son was married 2 years ago this month. They received a mixed bag of gifts, from too much money (my brother) to too many lovely things from the china registry from a friend, to lots of smaller gifts. All were greatly appreciated, as these kids really started with very little. The guests numbered about 100, and I have no idea the price of the wedding. Our own expenses were for the rehearsal dinner (wedding party and spouses, parents and grandparents), 2 hotel rooms for 2 nights; I offered to pay the florist bill; and finally, my dress/shoes and tuxes for my husband and other son.

My mother's family is from the south, and I am very familiar with the church wedding and reception in the hall with iced tea and punch and sandwiches in place of our open bar and dinner.

I laughed at seetheworld's post about what clothes to wear, as that is the only thing I am sure of about for the upcoming wedding! My only question re the wardrobe is: will my legs be tan enough to go without pantyhose with my little black JonesNY dress??!!

Sorry I couldn't join you for lunch, Starr. I feel so bad about being so touchy about OWJ's post that it might be better that I wasn't there. I'd hate for her to meet me and think of me as the twerp who can't chill out.

May I ask where you ate? I love Italian and would love to try someplace new.

Lunch was good but it would have been just fine if you had been able to join us. OWJ is delightful. The restaurant is Casa Nuova (I know, sounds Mexican!) on Hwy 9 north of McFarland. Tony and Maria own it and I was a weekly diner when I used to live there. They are New Yorkers who also lived in Chicago. They owned two other restaurants in Atlanta but bought property in the "country" and sold and moved the restaurant north as Atlanta grew north. Try it sometime. I'm going back in mid-Sept because Tony is making my favorite - Tres Leche cake for a regular's birthday.

AlisonM:

Try using Air Stocking. It's wonderful. It is a "spray-on micro-fine silk powder." I got mine at Sephora, and it comes in 3 shades. Love it!

Somehow or other I do think the context of our larger type of Catholic Ethnic (usually Northern) wedding has been a bit "altered" in interpretation on this thread. I have never heard the term "cover the plate" as such, but we "know" that the "village" takes care of its traditional young. You do know that the American immigrant from Europe, Cuba, South America, Mexico and other places as well (Phillipines especially) use the wedding as one function of neighborhood, cultural and religious identity. In my youth I went to Greek, Polish, Italian and Lithuanian weddings that routinely lasted 2 or 3 days in Chicago. They were not as formal in rules as the weddings held today, but they almost always included family traditional dances or ceremonies, like the Italian apron tie. Kids attended, and they literally slept on piles of coats in the "coat" room. I remember them well. They gave you Italian beef sandwiches to bring home in big brown bags with the wedding cake. It was an affirmation of the entire lifestyle beginning again.

In other words, we don't really have weddings with 200, it's more like 500- REALLY, if the truth be told! Over time they are actually getting smaller. We tended to group together in US cities originally and have these special festivals or events (religious feasts as well-there are several I can think of- like our July 14- Lady of Mt. Carmel)besides the weddings. We have huge parties for Communions and Confirmations too, bigger than for any Graduation. It is assumed you will graduate, and graduate again- not something you are glibbly rewarded for. You may get religious medals or other things of like nature for the sacremental gifts.

And as far as our own Italian weddings- if you do not feel like giving more than what you might gauge as appropriate, that would never be held against you. NEVER. There really is no "right" amount. There is a totally different emotion involved with this giving, and it is hard to explain in a WASP American context. But do not be concerned that you have "ooped". You haven't.

You see this same spirit as well when the Mexican girls "come out" with their huge party at 16. That is very similar.

You never need to feel like you did the wrong thing- but please, please do RSVP.

And yes, there are places where people are tight, neighborhoods are tight, and people know people over long, long periods of time and that is why 500 is not an exaggeration. My oldest son's was an entire farm community as well and had about 515 at the reception. The reception was in two barns on the grandfather's farm.

We don't get married on a whim.

And Buffalogirl, the ones by me are not having the parents foot the entire bill by any means. As most brides/grooms are closer to 30 than 20 now, they have taken a whole lot of it on themselves by me. I have one on this June 25th and she is paying for almost all of it by herself, as she has been a nurse for about 3 years. He already has a condo and the only thing her parents are paying for is the honeymoon trip. That is much more the norm by us than parents who foot the entire bill- although it does happen.

It's very joyful and this wedding on the 25th is going to be a blast. Every grandmother, mother, girl, baby will dance. We don't even know what cheese straws are, we have whole cheeses. LOL!

And the Polish ones are the killers. You need marathon man stamina. They put vodka bottles on the table and no one ever goes home. I've never lasted one out.

Wow, I didn't know that people put the registry information with their invitations. I received little cards from the stores that I registered at for my wedding, but I just assumed that no one really sent the registry info with invitations. In Louisiana we think that's a little too overt in suggesting that someone gets you a present.

The area in the Midwest where I grew up it was totally unacceptable for any family member to hold either a bridal or baby shower for a family member. This continues there today. Friends of the bride or her family or the grooms always go together and a group of them have a very nice shower. Same goes for baby showers. So, it was a big shock to me when I moved to CA and every bridal shower or baby shower was given by the bride or Mom to be's own family. I have been here a long time now and don't think anything of it as I just know different areas do different things but it was strange at first. I also was shocked by the first "Money Dance" at a wedding I attended out here. That was never done in the area where I grew up and it really seeemd tacky to me since I had already given an engagement gift, a shower gift and a wedding gift. I still haven't gotten used to that one, but it is always done out here. So many things in this country are the same and so many things are different. Guess that is what makes it a great country.

This is such an interesting thread. Having lived in CA (the SF Bay Area) all my life I have been exposed to all kind of engagement, wedding, baptism, 1st communion, confirmation, funeral etc. customs. In that the SF Bay Area has people from everywhere the customs depends on the families.

The Italians - yes cash is given - over and above the weddding present.

Funerals. I have never heard or known of anyone sending cash to the deceased family. It seems to be the custom to donate to a charity in honor of the deceased. And of course among Catholics there are the mass cards where a donation is made to the church. And there are times where a bank account is set up when a family has had a terrible tragedy and perhaps needs financial help.

I have noticed the last 20 years or so that young people are not sending thank you notes. That is so sad. But I am referring more to Christmas/Birthday presents. But sometimes it is even true with shower and wedding presents. It seems that their parents have not taken the time to teach the basics in proper manners. Or if they did the children did not pay attention to their parents instructions.

Starrsville, I wish I could have been at the luncheon with you and OWJ. How wonderful that you two got together. Isn't she a love?

I think living where I do that I have been exposed to all kinds of customs (Italians, Mexicans, Portugese, UK, Asian, Russian, Midwest, Southern, EastCoast etc.) that I do not feel there is any "right way" to do things. There are just different customs. Hopefully we can all just respect each other and at the same time not feel pressured to spend money when we do not have it.

I grew up in a blue collar neighborhood in Detroit. Most of the weddings we have attended are Polish or Italian, usually Catholic. The wedding ceremony is typically in church with the reception in a banquet hall in the evening with dinner, dancing, and drinking. One or more showers are given and especially among my Polish friends it was quite acceptable to have the mother and/or sisters of the bride give a shower. Gifts, as opposed to cash, are expected at the shower and it's not unusual to invite some of the older ladies from the church to the shower but not the wedding. For the wedding itself, either cash or a gift (from the registery or not) is acceptable and gifts are typically brought to the wedding. For close friends or relatives a gift is more common or if cash is given one would give a larger amount.

A Polish Catholic friend got married some years ago to a man who's family (although not really him) were Baptists. In trying to find a compromise between the 2 cultures, they rented a banquet hall with 2 floors. Dinner was served on the lower floor and there was dancing and the bar on the upper floor. The bride and groom hoped that his family would stay and socialize downstairs after dinner, while her family went upstairs for drinking and dancing and the bride and groom would mingle between both floors. It didn't work out all that well, the Baptists left immediately after dinner.

I haven't been to many weddings in recent years, but I would probably give $50 for a wedding where I didn't know the couple well, irrespective of where the wedding was held.