Now it's Hawaii alone or not atall, don't know what to do...
May 10th, 2001, 07:17 AM
#41
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Geeze, Cindy. I hope this isn't a troll! I was thankful to see what the other Beth started earlier. By all means - GO! Take a friend if you have to, or a few good novels to read at restaurants or poolside. Clear you head and your heart and make some life changing decisions.
May 10th, 2001, 07:56 AM
#42
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Cindy, you have gotten alot of wonderful advice. Its your decision in the end. You are worth having a much better relationship than you are getting. You Need a change. Take charge of your own life. How many years does it take for us to wise up and be who we want to be? My 2 cents-get out of the relationship and find the life you want to live.As women-we can be anything we want to be! We ARE worth it! You need to be FREE-and life will be so much better!
DEE
DEE
May 10th, 2001, 09:40 AM
#44
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Ok, I want to thank you all very very much, you really helped me yesterday get thru a bad time. Here's the outcome. I called him finally at 9pm and asked what was happening with his mother. He said it didn't matter he wasn't going to Maui with me anyway. He was a jerk. My own mother called and we were talking very late. After I left message for him and said it was ok, I was going to Hawaii alone and would have a wonderful time without him, but if he didn't go and could go (if his mother's surgery was not during that time) that it was completely and totally over with us. This morning he woke me up with a call to say yes, he was going. Alright. I've got what I wanted and I'm grateful. I can't help feeling that most of you are right though. I believe he just put me thru two days of torture because he "could". I'm not jumping up and down with excitement like on Wed. I'm glad it's working out, but I am angry that he would just screw with my head/heart like that. I don't know what to say. Except thanks for all the advice, whatever does end up happening, I am very grateful to go to Maui, with or without him.
May 10th, 2001, 09:57 AM
#46
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Yeah, I get that. I am really getting that. And maybe I will stop this once we get back. I feel very angry today. But I wanted this trip with him far far too much to do it now. Just this one time -- I need this, regardless. If I sound stupid, naive, or even pathetic, maybe that's so. But it's a dream and I want it with all my heart.
May 10th, 2001, 09:59 AM
#47
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I responded early on ..wow you have gotten some good advise here Lady!If you go, it will help build your self esteem back up too, just by going ,let alone the rest..
I have to agree with the people that mentioned the control issue...that can be a deadly relationship -you sound as tho you have given up way to much of yourself already !!
I have been to Maui. It is easy to strike up conversations & meet people-tho I to will say(just cause right now you sound in a week state-most likely from dealing with HIM) use street smarts as you would anywhere, I am confident you have them !If you go you will com back more confident & ready to take more contrrol of your life -that is if you even come back
you think getting on a plane to leave with out him is hard hahahah leaving Maui will be harder--go Have fun life is to short & precious to wait ,you never know what tomorrow will bring!
I to am a mother & if it was my kids even if it was something killing me I'd say go & enjoy!!!I'd bet your mom would too! Enjoy your trip & be sure to let us all know what you do!ALOHA!!!
I have to agree with the people that mentioned the control issue...that can be a deadly relationship -you sound as tho you have given up way to much of yourself already !!
I have been to Maui. It is easy to strike up conversations & meet people-tho I to will say(just cause right now you sound in a week state-most likely from dealing with HIM) use street smarts as you would anywhere, I am confident you have them !If you go you will com back more confident & ready to take more contrrol of your life -that is if you even come back
you think getting on a plane to leave with out him is hard hahahah leaving Maui will be harder--go Have fun life is to short & precious to wait ,you never know what tomorrow will bring!
I to am a mother & if it was my kids even if it was something killing me I'd say go & enjoy!!!I'd bet your mom would too! Enjoy your trip & be sure to let us all know what you do!ALOHA!!!
May 10th, 2001, 10:04 AM
#48
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Cindy, I'm the "first" Beth who got this aspect of your question going yesterday. I can't believe how much advice you've received since then--your head must be spinning! And yes, I did go to Oahu and Cancun alone, because I wasn't seeing anyone at the time and my women friends either didn't have the money or the vacation time to go with me. I snorkeled, took tours, ate in restaurants, and lay on the beach. Tourwise, I just did whatever was available in the area that was of personal interest to me: in Oahu I went to see Pearl Harbor (it was only a four-day trip) and in Cancun, I went to 2 ruins plus another trip to a beautiful lagoon, where I snorkeled, and another tour on a boat out to a nearby island. Those two vacations were two of the best things I ever did for myself when I was single. It taught me a lot, not only about myself, but about life and what kind of relationships we pursue and make for ourselves. I'll never be sorry I did those trips; I met some fantastic people, shared a lot of laughs, and got badly needed vacations to boot!
As for the rest of it, I implore you, again, to listen to some of what people have said here and go, go, GO on this vacation. Whether or not you end up breaking up with your boyfriend is really a separate matter, though I think going ahead with the trip may very well help you decide what you want to do about him. You don't have to figure out the entire rest of your life in the next week!
I think all the people here are trying to do is get you to see that you're being abused by a self-centered, immature control freak who seems to get off on causing you heartache. The sheer number of responses you've received in the last 24 hours should tell you something--a lot of us (of both sexes) have been there, done that, and your story has struck a nerve among us. It's very, very difficult to watch someone else, even though we don't know you, putting up with and catering to the whims of someone who has only his own best interests at heart.
Without even knowing you personally, I feel I can assure you that YOU DESERVE BETTER. Don't sell yourself short and assume that this is all you have a right to expect, or, God forbid, that you'll never find anyone else who will treat you better. He's counting on the fact that you're feeling that way; it's his insurance policy that you'll always be around to take his garbage and make him feel like a "big man." People like that are toxic, and IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER as long as you're around him. You've said repeatedly that everything will be OK if you just have this vacation together--well, wake up, no vacation can fix what's wrong with this guy or with your relationship. You need time alone to sort all of this out, and going on this trip by yourself would be a very good start!
I've blabbed long enough, Cindy. The rest is up to you. Please, let us know what you decide to do, and regardless of what you decide or how it turns out, please let us know--it's obvious that there are a lot of people on this site who would like to know how the story ends! Best of luck to you in any case!
Beth
As for the rest of it, I implore you, again, to listen to some of what people have said here and go, go, GO on this vacation. Whether or not you end up breaking up with your boyfriend is really a separate matter, though I think going ahead with the trip may very well help you decide what you want to do about him. You don't have to figure out the entire rest of your life in the next week!
I think all the people here are trying to do is get you to see that you're being abused by a self-centered, immature control freak who seems to get off on causing you heartache. The sheer number of responses you've received in the last 24 hours should tell you something--a lot of us (of both sexes) have been there, done that, and your story has struck a nerve among us. It's very, very difficult to watch someone else, even though we don't know you, putting up with and catering to the whims of someone who has only his own best interests at heart.
Without even knowing you personally, I feel I can assure you that YOU DESERVE BETTER. Don't sell yourself short and assume that this is all you have a right to expect, or, God forbid, that you'll never find anyone else who will treat you better. He's counting on the fact that you're feeling that way; it's his insurance policy that you'll always be around to take his garbage and make him feel like a "big man." People like that are toxic, and IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER as long as you're around him. You've said repeatedly that everything will be OK if you just have this vacation together--well, wake up, no vacation can fix what's wrong with this guy or with your relationship. You need time alone to sort all of this out, and going on this trip by yourself would be a very good start!
I've blabbed long enough, Cindy. The rest is up to you. Please, let us know what you decide to do, and regardless of what you decide or how it turns out, please let us know--it's obvious that there are a lot of people on this site who would like to know how the story ends! Best of luck to you in any case!
Beth
May 10th, 2001, 10:07 AM
#49
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thank you. I have gotten wonderful advice here, and thanks to all of you, I would have gone alone and I told him that. you are right too about the control issue. I'd like to say, some of the other threads I've read some people have been really rude to others, but you all have been very caring and it is appreciated. Yesterday I was so so low, in tears all day at work actually. And it really really helped me to communicate with you and what you all said. I mean it from the heart.
May 10th, 2001, 10:08 AM
#50
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wow - I was writing while more was posted -By the way I am not hotmail sue just FYI- tho I will also remark in a similar fashion- No one can do anything to you, that you do not let them!!!
check into an old book By Wayne Dyer -think it was called "The Sky is the Limit". I will keep you in my prayers, that you will not be trapped in abusive relationships!God Bless & I know in Maui you will feel his presense-spend some time with yourself while you are there!!ALOHA
check into an old book By Wayne Dyer -think it was called "The Sky is the Limit". I will keep you in my prayers, that you will not be trapped in abusive relationships!God Bless & I know in Maui you will feel his presense-spend some time with yourself while you are there!!ALOHA
May 10th, 2001, 10:21 AM
#52
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sue, beth-- thanks again. I'm printing this out to read over and over again when needed. It's pretty amazing that total strangers can connect in and be so helpful and caring in a time of need. That makes me feel really good about life. As I said in the previous post-- I do believe what you are saying about my BF. It's pretty much proven by what he did last night, telling me it didn't matter when his mother's surgery was, he wasn't going anyway, and then calling this a.m. to say he was. The holidays were unbelievably horrible. But all of that is better off left unsaid. We will go to Maui together in two days and I will let you know what happened. Undoubtably, I could very well wish I had gone alone. But it is something I must do. And I meant it about keeping this on paper and rereading all of your comments in the future. It's given me much to think about, and some strength. I won't put up with his behavior anymore. Which is pretty much what I said on his answering machine at 2:45am. I do want him in Maui with me though.
May 10th, 2001, 10:21 AM
#53
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Just want to clear my good name here. some posters think i am a dirtbag, opportunist, you name it. i am good and was only offering a little help for Cindy. i hope you make the best out of the situation.
I was not trying to take advantage of the situation. clear on that everybody.
I was not trying to take advantage of the situation. clear on that everybody.
May 10th, 2001, 10:52 AM
#55
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Cindy,
I hope your boyfriend means it when he says he is going on the trip. Best thing to do is tell him (yes, tell him, don't ask) "Our plane leaves at X
X, I'll be by at XX-N to pick you up. If you're not ready, I'm leaving without you."
Just because he has said he will go, doesn't mean he is. He already lied to you about when his mother's surgery is (if she even is having surgery). If you really want to know about his mother, call her yourself. He probably lies to her too.
NO ONE deserves to be lied to. A relationship is built on trust and communication, two skills I think he is lacking. Being on your own can be scary, but being with the wrong person because you are scared of being alone is worse.
We all need personal time, whether it's in Hawaii or at a city park.
I hope your boyfriend means it when he says he is going on the trip. Best thing to do is tell him (yes, tell him, don't ask) "Our plane leaves at X
X, I'll be by at XX-N to pick you up. If you're not ready, I'm leaving without you." Just because he has said he will go, doesn't mean he is. He already lied to you about when his mother's surgery is (if she even is having surgery). If you really want to know about his mother, call her yourself. He probably lies to her too.
NO ONE deserves to be lied to. A relationship is built on trust and communication, two skills I think he is lacking. Being on your own can be scary, but being with the wrong person because you are scared of being alone is worse.
We all need personal time, whether it's in Hawaii or at a city park.
May 10th, 2001, 11:07 AM
#56
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Here's what happens to women like Cindy:
1. They lend money to their loser boyfriends. They never get repaid.
2. They move in with them, and somehow wind up paying for more than their fair share of everything.
3. They eventually get pregnant without being married. Boyfriend urges abortion. Baby is born, boyfriend continues his abusive ways, and is no father to the kid. Support is forthcoming only with vigorous enforcement of a court order.
4. His mom treats her like dirt.
I say take the trip with him. If he ruins it, maybe you'll finally say enough is enough.
Print this out, Cindy, and look at it in 3 years. See if I'm right.
1. They lend money to their loser boyfriends. They never get repaid.
2. They move in with them, and somehow wind up paying for more than their fair share of everything.
3. They eventually get pregnant without being married. Boyfriend urges abortion. Baby is born, boyfriend continues his abusive ways, and is no father to the kid. Support is forthcoming only with vigorous enforcement of a court order.
4. His mom treats her like dirt.
I say take the trip with him. If he ruins it, maybe you'll finally say enough is enough.
Print this out, Cindy, and look at it in 3 years. See if I'm right.
May 10th, 2001, 11:33 AM
#57
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Well, I agree with the "if he ruins the trip, it will be enough" part.
As for the rest, he may be overly controlling in someway, deeply demented in others but
1) he makes good money
2) we are not moving in together, he has a house with 3 dogs, I have 2 cats
3) we aren't getting pregnant period.
4) his mother is actually a very nice old lady.
But my BF is old school NY Sicilian. If that tells you anything. They aren't easy. It's a definate east coast Italian thing.
I will print it out and read it. It won't take me 3 years.
As for the rest, he may be overly controlling in someway, deeply demented in others but
1) he makes good money
2) we are not moving in together, he has a house with 3 dogs, I have 2 cats
3) we aren't getting pregnant period.
4) his mother is actually a very nice old lady.
But my BF is old school NY Sicilian. If that tells you anything. They aren't easy. It's a definate east coast Italian thing.
I will print it out and read it. It won't take me 3 years.
May 10th, 2001, 11:35 AM
#58
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As bad as he might be, you're now basically just using him because you don't want to go alone.
You would have avoided all this trouble if you wouldn't get involved w/ men this way. First rule: No nasty-nasty stuff before marriage. Find someone of fine character to marry.
I think there is a lot to what the above post says.
You would have avoided all this trouble if you wouldn't get involved w/ men this way. First rule: No nasty-nasty stuff before marriage. Find someone of fine character to marry.
I think there is a lot to what the above post says.
May 10th, 2001, 11:41 AM
#59
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I wrote one of the first posts and felt bad about the situation but not that you were a fool. Now I think that you are either a troll or a complete idiot.
By the way, did you already buy the tickets? and who paid for them? Also is he supposed to pick you up and take you to the airport? Don't you think he will stand you up? I'd bet $10 million he does!
Lastly, we spent about $7000 on a 9 day trip to Hawaii. I never would have wasted that much money on a trip with someone that I didn't love and didn't intend on staying with. I can't believe you are deliberately wasting $7000 and 9 days just to have a miserable time in Hawaii with someone you want to break up with!!!!
This is the most assinine(sp?) story I have ever heard!!!
By the way, did you already buy the tickets? and who paid for them? Also is he supposed to pick you up and take you to the airport? Don't you think he will stand you up? I'd bet $10 million he does!
Lastly, we spent about $7000 on a 9 day trip to Hawaii. I never would have wasted that much money on a trip with someone that I didn't love and didn't intend on staying with. I can't believe you are deliberately wasting $7000 and 9 days just to have a miserable time in Hawaii with someone you want to break up with!!!!
This is the most assinine(sp?) story I have ever heard!!!
May 10th, 2001, 11:44 AM
#60
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1. Making good money is nice. Very nice. But does it make sense to overlook bad character for money? Money can't buy you happiness, especially if your stuck with someone who is abusive.
2. Unless you are post-menopausal or have had a hysterectomy and ovarectomy, the only way to ensure you won't get pregnant is not to have sex. All contraceptives have failure rates.
Call me cynical or presumptious, but somehow I seriously doubt that you aren't having sex w/ someone that your ready to go to Hawaii with. And...even if your gonna tell me that your staying in separate hotel rooms... know that countless people have sucummbed to tempation when in such close proximity, even when they originally resolved not to.
3. Does it make any sense to take any trip, much less go all the way to HI, with someone you find abusive?
2. Unless you are post-menopausal or have had a hysterectomy and ovarectomy, the only way to ensure you won't get pregnant is not to have sex. All contraceptives have failure rates.
Call me cynical or presumptious, but somehow I seriously doubt that you aren't having sex w/ someone that your ready to go to Hawaii with. And...even if your gonna tell me that your staying in separate hotel rooms... know that countless people have sucummbed to tempation when in such close proximity, even when they originally resolved not to.
3. Does it make any sense to take any trip, much less go all the way to HI, with someone you find abusive?
