Cutthe

Selfish is NOT selfish. Nowhere in the marriage vows is the phrase "I promise to love, honor and vacation with your parents". If the parent is easygoing and the son or daughter in law enjoys spending their vacations with them, great. But if it is a strain, people will grow resentful.

If Selfish is working 50 weeks a year, why should she give up one or two of her very precious vacation weeks to be miserable, and not enjoy the company of her husband alone? Let Selfish's husband take his mother on vacation, then take another vacation with his wife. End of problem.

Not doing so sends a message as to who comes first in your life, and if you want to have a successful marriage it should be your spouse, not your parent.

selfish

AMEN!! This deep down is exaclty as I feel when the rubber meets the road!! I also feel the marriage specifically state that we "forsake all others' and cling to one another. That is how I feel I work all year, a professional woman, and I don't see why I should have to take vacations with my MIL. I will also be a MIL next year. I suppose it will be interesting to see how I respond in years to come. To Debbie, I hope this has shared some insights and discussions on your original question. Everyone has different personalities, and if one is close with there families and it is o.k. to choose to vacation together. If I were my MIL I would feel out of place. I would feel uncomfortable with my son and his wife. If it were me!! That is just how I am. IF you have children maybe they can babysit one p.m. while you and your husband go out alone. That would be nice. Also at my age I don't consider a vacatin where I have to cook. I would rather stay home and then cook when I am on vacation.

xxxx

Selfish if he would desert his mother in her hour of need he would desert you too. Anyone that has been involved successfully for 10 minutes understands this. I have been happily married for 20 years and how they treat their mothers is how they will treat you. No one is saying she should be place above you they are all saying she should not be dismissed at a very needy time. A good son would understand this. After all that work do you really only get 1-2 weeks?

marge

Whoa! How did we get from the concept of taking one's MIL on a vacation to the notion that someone would "desert his mother in her hour of need?"

I think xxx is being a bit over dramatic. If MIL is truly in her "hour of need" I think a hosptial would be more appropriate than a vacation.

I also think you're missing the point that you can be a wonderful SIL or DIL the remaining 51 weeks of the year and yet not take your MIL on vacation with you. It's not an either/or proposition.

I also notice that no one is really discussing the costs involved here. If you're taking a trip involving airfare, you have now just increased your costs by 50% for that, and you've also doubled your hotel costs. For many people, that's just beyond their budgets.

I've also notice that many of the posters who state that they take their parents on trips also have children along. IMHO that makes it a different scenario, because at that point it's already a family vacation, and it can be a benefit to everyone. But when it's a romantic trip for two, that seems to be a whole different issue. Just my 2 cents.

Lee

I must respond to "rodonvaction". If you had bothered to read my entire post, you would have seen that I grew up taking vacations with grandparents and enjoyed them greatly. I also grew up in the same town as my ENTIRE family--grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. We saw each other constantly, sometimes more than once a day. We even vacationed with all of these family members together, so I was not deprived of that type of "family" experience.

My spouse and I do not live in the same towns as our parents. Therefore, we are expected by both sets to do all the visiting. This becomes quite difficult and tiresome at times, since my spouse and I both work full time jobs. We work hard and actually enjoy the company of one another and actually enjoy being ALONE. Since we are willing to spend many weekends a year and major holidays visiting family, I don't think we are missing out on anything if we chose not to vacation with them. As I mentioned in my earlier post, some in-laws (and blood relatives, for that matter) are not pleasant at all times and are not good travel companions. For those of us in such situations, we are not "missing out" or being rude and selfish by not vacationing with these people. Stop being so self-rigtheous just because you and your dad like to be together so much. What works for some families doensn't work for all. It is often better to have short visits with unpleasant family members than to spend long periods of time being miserable with them.

WoW

I betcha wish you hadn't asked. I hope your MIL is not a fodorite!!

Kari

Beth - thank you so much for your suggestions. One of the reasons we are doing Disney again, is we bought FL Resident Season Passes this year. So, we want to try to get use out of them. I actually homeschool my 13 year old and 3 year old, so I am very interested in the educational part of an East Coast vacation. We will be finishing up a 2 year study of US history in May and I thought we could end it with a 2 week trip up the coast. I haven't told my mom yet. I am thinking of surprising her with brochures and reservations for her birthday in March. Anyway, thank you for taking time out to offer some advice.

xyz

I guess I was absent that day in school, but what is the "educational part" of Disney?

selfish

To WoW that is pretty funny--I would have some "explaining" to do then wouldn't I?? Well she is not computer literate so I feel I am pretty safe on that call. To xxxx-I receive 4 weeks vacation however we travel only 2 out of the 4--that is the situation.

marge

So tell me more about this homeschooling deal. When I went to school, our field trips consisted of seeing the Statue of Liberty. Had I only know that if Mom had homeschooled me I could go to Disney. I guess I was underprivileged.

ttt

ttt

cutthe

xxxx, "Desert his mother in her hour of need"??? You've got to be kidding. You've got the makings of a great martyr in you, I'll give you that.

I've been happily married for almost 20 years too, and get along great with my MIL. Probably because she wouldn't dream of moving in on our vacations, even though she is a widow. She has always said that a good mother doesn't interfere in her children's life, or vacations. We see her often, for dinner.

Wow, In her hour of need! Now that's funny!

Selfish

Yes this is pretty funny! Her Hour of need. C'mon, she isn't at deaths doors. Perhaps her entire life has been an Hour of need.

Rodonvacation

Lee you said your vacation with Grandparents was great because they knew how to do things on there own. Sounds to me like they were not involved in the family vacation fully. If they wanted to do things separately that is fine but for you to see this as the reason why the trip was successful says to me that you did not fully appreciate them. My grand parents were with us pretty much all of the time and if they were missing from a dinner to go off on their own one of us kids wanted to know why. Would never say this private time was integral to the success of vacation. We grew up including the grand parents the way we would siblings in all of the vacation not just the days we felt like being noble. No not everyone can involve the g's due to personality and dysfunctions but to say we had fun because they could do things without us sounds a bit exclusive.

Rodonvacation

Lee just want to bring up the point for people who dismiss their parents. In the scenario where You get four weeks vacation your MIL just lost her husband and is upset wants to spend time with son, you decide on ignoring mothers loss and having your own life because you are entitled to this, I see that as dismissive and extremely selfish.

Righteous me? I guess when someone chooses a path that makes them look kinder, caring, giving, righteous is what we look like to people who could give a shit. Glad not to be another carbon copy couple who can only think in terms of the each other or the nuclear family.

selfish

Well Rodonvacation, you may raise a valid point. However, to correct she did not just loose her husband it was 10 years ago!! She did however, just loose her companion. Either way it is a life of losses irregardless of the time element. I had her Sat. for dinner, and to an over 55 community to look at homes. Every Friday p.m.they have a social covered dish. She shuddered at the thought of attending a function such as this unless we went with her. Now C'mon rodonvacation, doesn't she share any resonsibility for improving her own lifestyle versus complaining of being alone but not wanting to do anything about it?? I am sorry but I think it is unfair for us to meet all of her needs.

selfish2

Rod, Good, You are such a wonderful person you can take my MIL on vacation. Oh, and let's make a bet on whose marriage lasts longer, mine or yours, that is if anyone could marry a man who puts mommy first.

selfish

Now why didn't I think of that--Rod you are so good why don't you take her on vacation. I would suppose her 22 year old grandaughter is also selfish for not wanting to spend last NY Eve with her grandmother. She told me she wanted to go out on a date with a boy she did not want to spend it with her. grandmother. I suppose that is also wrong of her. She needs to make friends, and stop making her family feel guilty.

yyy

Question for selfish: Does your husband have any siblings? Unless he's an only child, responsibility for your MIL should be a shared thing.

Frank

Selfish why are all of these plans for grandmother in your hands. Sounds like your husband is the yuts here.