xxx

First xxx you responded to second is a hoax.
You will figure out what works for you and your family. I have to agree with above poster though if your husband would be willing to shut out his own mother completely than he could shut you out also.

Inlaws are tough but we all figure it out one way or another. I find the years are what really closes the gap brings you closer.

canuck

I have done it both ways. My husband and I took both our mothers on a trip. We went for two weeks and they came with us and stayed the first week and then flew home together. It was ok. The mothers shared a room so there was some tension. But all in all, I'm glad I did it. I have also accompanied my son and daughter-in-law to Disney with their kids. We all stayed together in a timeshare apt. It worked out very well. Son and daughter in-law went out in the evenings and we stayed with the kids. We all sent to Disney during the day. I think that was a pretty positive experience. In both cases, the key is to give everyone their own space.I wouldn't have the moms share a room again - that was a mistake. But I'm glad I was able to do it for my mom who has since passed away.

Arabella

Am currently on vacation with my parents, and I love it. We travel at their pace and see the sights that interest them. I want them to have a terrific time as I am all too aware that they won't be with me forever. Our trips give us so much to talk about and a common point of interest.

Mommy/MIL

Hi

If you're taking your parents along on vacation you all must get along pretty well. You can't decide to take a vacation together if you don't hit it off cause that vacation is not going to heal old wounds.

We have vacationed with our children and their spouses and enjoyed it. We never share accommodations! When someone wants a different dinner, it's easier for us to give in. We can always get what we want a different time. I like being with my kids and with my grandkids. They don't always agree with me but they'll always explain their position. I respect that.

Once all of us went to Disney World and though it was hectic (there were 21 of us in 5 condos) we enjoyed doing the WDW thing together. The grandkids still talk about it. We don't take long trips together - never more than one week.

If you enjoy being together and can laugh and smile at little things - then you can have a great trip together.

selfish

To "a" yes I totally agree. In life we cannot always do what we want but we should strive to do the "right" thing. I am taking her tomorrow to see an over 55 community, and for dinner, although it is my only 2 days off for the week. Had to get that in didn't I?It is sad when people get older. They are alone, the grandchildren, are now adults and do not want to bother. Her husband died, her only son is married to me. MY husband has lunch with her several times a week, by the way. For Ruth, why do you feel I am not a pleasure to be around and "what is coming down the road?" I don't like to feel imposed upon that is just me. Beat me up on this post, if you like, I suppose we all do the best we can with what we have to work with. I will take her with us, someday on vacation. I will try and be a better DIL.

Lee

I can't believe all the people telling "Selfish" that she's being selfish. Not all mothers-in-law are a pleasure to be around for long or short amounts of time. Mine lives 5 hours away, and we always have to visit her. In our 8 years of marriage, she's been to see us once. We visit her several times a year, and often, she acts as if she wishes we weren't there. She lives alone and is very set in her ways. Because of this, it seems to cause some tension for her when people stay with her. However, when we have stayed with other relatives or at a hotel, she had her feelings hurt by that. We can't win for losing.

My mother-in-law does not enjoying going places, yet she often makes comments about the "family" taking a trip together. The two times she has been out of state to visit her kids for Christmas, she complained constantly and said she was never going again. So, when she brings up these trips, we humor her (sometimes) by discussing them a little, but we know it's never going to happen. Maybe the mother-in-law of "selfish" is the same way???

I think that Selfish is entitled to enjoy her vacations with her husband, without her mother-in-law tagging along. It sounds like they already visit and see one another on a regular basis, so what's the need for a vacation together too?

By the way, while growing up, my parents frequently vacationed with my maternal set of grandparents and those were wonderful times! Those grandparents knew how to do things on their own and get along well with others. That really is key if you want to do the "family" vacation. It just won't work for everyone.

Pam

For the last 3 years, my husband and I go on a vacation with his parents and his sister and brother-in-law. We have an absolutely fabulous time! This year it's Vegas and the Canyons. I can't wait! We also try to find places that have 2 beds and a pull-out couch to stay to save on costs. Wouldn't have it any other way.

We range in age from 32 to 70, but all are lively and adventurous, so no problems with finding things to do, they all like whatever we choose. We just have to forgo the obvious like an all day hiking trip or something extra strenuous, other than that, the sky's the limit.

just

Selfish, don't let these people make you feel even guiltier. I agree that a long weekend at a spa or somewhere relaxing, not too far away, would be fine. But why not bring her some literature on group tours? It sounds like she is simply lonely, she needs to meet people and get out more. Maybe she should take an italian cooking class, then book a cook's tour of Italy for a week or two. If she does not have health problems this would be great fun. There are many tours that cater to people over 50, or over 65, she'd probably resist this idea but ultimately I think she'd have a great time. I'm not trying to "push her off" but she has many years ahead of her, she needs to realize that life did not end when her husband died! She could take pottery classes and go on an art tour of Europe or NYC! I'm only 30 years old and I hope I am active and traveling and learning new things in my 70s, 80s, 90s. I'm no Pollyanna, that's just the kind of life I want to lead.
Sorry for the tangent. You'll be fine, Selfish, and so will your MIL, she just needs to get out there a little more.

Bill

Yes and I enjoy every moment I can with them while they are still alive. They are deserving of my respect and some fun in their lives also. I am more than happy to share my vacation time with them. I know I will never grow old and regret not doing so.

carol

I have taken my parents many times! They actually are more active then us and stay up later! Get separate rooms and lay the grounds rules before you go.Tell them if they want to do something just let you know and you'll do the same.Meaning, you don't have to be stuck to one another every minute. Plan to have dinner or breakfast with them and a couple of activities. Example,we went on a helicoptor tour and to an evening show with them.We did the beach ourselves and they went on a snorkel trip. The absolute best part is that you will always remember the trip. I am so glad I went with them a couple of times. Even though I couldn't do everything I wanted all the time! Good luck. Talk over what each of you think is fun to do on vacation. Discuss your likes and dislikes together, we said,"we like to sleep late on vacation,eat a light lunch and go to a nice dinner." We want to be on the beach during the day so if you want to go on a tour please do so.

ilisa

Well, I guess I am in the selfish group. My husband and I travelled with my parents exactly once. We were in Florida for a wedding, and we all drove to Key West for 2 nights. Never again will we travel with them again. My parents are the type that want everyone to eat when and where they want, get bent out of shape if we suggest doing things separately, and are not happy just enjoying life. An example - we were in Mallory Square watching the sunset. It was very quiet (and beautiful) and my mother stood there saying very loudly, "I can't believe we are standing here watching this stupid sunset. It's not like we don't have sunsets at home." They are agonizing to be around. They see us and our children enough that we do not feel like we have to travel with them to visit with them.

selfish

Bill, I admire you very much for feeling as you do.
To Just, that is exaclty right she is VERY LONELY!!! She has never lived alone till now. She is a total extension of all that WAS in the past. It has all left her, and I do TRULY FEEL SORRY FOR HER! She doesn't feel needed or wanted by anyone. But I am a firm believer we need to help ourselves at times. She is not very sociable. Big problem. She is 75. Excellent health. I suggested to my husband of going on some tour with an older group and perhaps she would make friends but he said she will only hang onto us. I personally think she needs to move, to many memories in the home. I am hopeful tomorrow she likes the over 55 place I take her to see. That may open a new door for her. There are many older peoples groups that travel places all over the world. She would not go without us I am sure.

xxx

we decided to ask my husbands parents to join us on a disney cruise (the 4 nighter) this fall. they rarely travel and when they do...it's only to visit family. we thought the short time away as well as the variety of things to do (either together or seperatly) would create a great get away for everyone.

what we weren't expecting was their sheer exitement in preparing for this small trip. my mother-in-law is so excited even our 11 year old daughter has started to tell her to "be patient" and has hidden her disney cruise planning book more than once. (jokingly)

we haven't even left yet and we've already had a great time with it. maybe they can join us on our annual trip to hawaii next year.....

Kari

I just took my mom to Disney with my kids and I. My husband couldn't get time off. So, we went. My sister also flew down to join us. I can tell you that I had the absolute best time with my mom and would not give that up for the world! I love her with everything that I am and know that she could be gone at any time. My dad passed away at 58 after a 9 year illness. So, those of you that think it is too much to travel with your parents should think how lucky you are to still have them around. I just this morning booked another Disney trip for December. My mom had such a great time with my kids, we just have to go back. She had mentioned earlier this week that she would like to travel up the East coast sometime in her life. So, I am thinking we should plan that for next year. It will be something we will always remember and I am sure something my kids will carry with them. JMHO!

Debbie

Thanks for all your posts, it was interesting seeing the responses. I hope we didn't make a mistake by not reserving 2 rooms, we rented a 2 br/2 bath condo in Sanibel so I hope we can give each other enough privacy. I love spending time with my parents, we live almost 3 hours from them so we only see them about once every 6 weeks or so. This will give us an opportunity to spend some 1/1 time with them and they can see my daughter 1/1 without the other grandchildren always being around. The one thing that bugged me the last time we took them along was that they had to call my sister a few times a day, I felt like I finally got my parents to myself and they had to still call her, I know that is kind of petty but it did bother me. Anyway... thank for all of the responses.

Daughter

See my post "Travel with mom" We do this every two years. Last year we travelled with his parents (9 days), they were to tired, bored, sick,etc.etc.etc. to do anything. Will NOT do that again, however, may have been the long plane ride and time zone changes. They didnot like the ocean and weather was cool. We went to the Oregon coast, which is great but not with the in-laws!!

gail

One other thought - meals can sometimes be flashpoints. Some of it is generational, some personality. Times of meals (early bird special versus later); what to eat (coffee and a bagel for breakfast on the sofa reading the paper versus the table set and being polite to everyone); do you have to have a real dinner every night (pizza or Chinese food brought in versus getting dressed and going to a real restaurant).

Also, since it is a condo, have some light discussion ahead of time about who is responsible for what. When we rented a cottage with in-laws many years ago I spent a week cleaning, cooking, smiling and seething as they sat and expected to be waited on since they imagined a hotel-type vacation. I was just the staff. When I travel with my mother, she starts cleaning up before anyone is even finished eating since she is used to living alone. Dishes in the sink overnight would be unimaginable to her, even on vacation. These are the type of things that cause stress - the fun part is worth it though, especially if you can pre-smooth out some of the wrinkles.

Beth

Kari totally butting in here but speaking as someone that can't take my mother to a dream spot any longer. Why not go some place that is more family oriented and less kid oriented. I think the East Coast trip is a great idea and something you cannot do in Winter. But there are a whole lot of other options. Not trying to over step here think your outlook is great. But it is also a great feeling to give your mom a couple of dream trips and your kids would probably learn more in a natural and or historical setting like the keys, New Orleans, South West for instance.

Have you seen the recent PBS shows on Yosimite, Yellowstone Bryce blah blah blah. Just thought I would throw that out there. If you do still love Disney have you seen the travel channel show on African Wilderness Resort. I am not sure that is the full name but it is an incredible resort with Safari grounds just outside the Resort. I would visit here if I was not going to stay.

Rodonvaction

Lee gives a fine example of how some children don't know how to give back or appreciate time spent with Grand Parents. He was not raised including grand parents and so he does not understand why so many on this thread know the joy and are trying to help selfish and others see this.

Of course not everyone comes from a healthy family where vacationing together is appropriate. But this imediate family only idea is selfish and more importantly dumb. I know instances where it does not even stop here. I know one woman in my neighborhood whose mom lives across the street alone. "I let her come to dinner twice a week" beyond that we want alone time. So mom at 80 with attending nurses!!!! eats alone all other meals. I know these people closely no disfunction just a parent who gave too much to her child with out expecting anything in return LOOOSER DAUGHTER number 2.

But you show us also Lee how you just don't know the joy of sharing the travel experience with a parent never seeing this as a child. Too bad for you and your kids.

Great Disney Movie Lilo & Stitch we took the kids and Dad to just last night. Talks about O'Hana (family) and no one in the family being left behind. I guess the message is for other peoples children.

xxx

I am half of a 20-something couple. I take my parents often on vacation with my boyfriend. It is NOT relaxing. They need constant supervision or they wander off, complain about most everything and really don't have manners in general - to me and my boyfriend or others. They don't watch where they are going so they seem to stumble constantly and can be very trying at times.
They never traveled anywhere when we were kids- no family vacations or anything because we didn't have the money. They have a limited time on this earth and I really try to "make up" for them seeming so miserable up to this point. I do think they are just a bit miserable- not exactly their circumstances.
I do get satisfaction that they are getting to see something they never would have but I do resent their lack of appreciation sometimes although I don't admit it.
I have to give my boyfriend credit for driving all the time and being as patient as he can with all the critcism he endures during these trips.
I get three weeks of vacation a year and I think that it is the right thing to do to give up 1 or 2 of them to try to please my folks. Do I think of it as paying them back for something? No - because other than a place to live and food I don't feel like they were stellar parents. I just want to make them happy and I may have a lot more time on this earth to do things for myself and I don't want to regret not doing this for my folks. This year I'm sending them on an escorted tour to Australia and I'm going to use 2 weeks for myself. (I'm not rich- I make under 60,000 a year)
I know if I had a husband that wasn't willing to travel with my folks I would resent him.