Viajero2

I have to agree w/Suze: your friend could feel used (really) if in top of not agreeing with taking in her plans for your vacation (which I happen to agree with...) you end up not taking her full offer of hospitality either. I strongly suggest you commit for a couple of days stay at your friend and afterwards you lined up accomodations on your own making this clear and open well in advance. Your whole approach really has an undertone of using a friend, even if unadvertently. Be cautious, your friend seems to be a lovely person, albeit a bit clueless.

annw

I agree with Linda431's approach. I would say, accent the positive, the time you want to spend with them vs. emphasizing what you don't want: "here's when we will be available and hoping to spend time with you" (give days/eves/times you want to spend with them).

If they press you, you can go on to mention it's important that you also have some unscheduled time together and plan to do so, but will work around their schedule/work/own needs.

BTilke

Since moving to Europe, we've had a steady stream of visitors who enjoy our company (we hope!) in addition to free bed and bath. And we are happy to show them the sights and the basics of the mass transit system, best shopping/dining areas, etc. And if they are openly uncomfortable on their own, I'm fine with being their companion.
But to insist on guiding them around all day long for their entire trip? That is simply weird and more than a bit controlling. We love it when our friends tell us they've made plans for the day. We're relieved, not offended.

Speaking as a hostess, I would prefer someone stay in a hotel for a few nights before staying with us rather than afterwards. It does seem a bit insulting (even if it's not intended to be) to stay with someone for a few days, then decamp to a hotel...in the same town...unless it's for a specific reason (for example: staying with us during their free time, then moving to to a hotel for a conference).

Luvly76

Rubies- I feel you have led this friend on and given vague responses. You should call her back, let her know the days you will see her, be specific. My cousin (whom I had not seen in 15 yrs) was very vague about her trip. I took 3 days off to show her around, well, I only saw her when I drove 2 hours to pick her up and she left while I was in the shower (she knocked let me know she was going over to my aunts house 2 blocks away. I never saw her again. She thanked me for picking her up from her home in Mexico via email...2 months before her trip she emailed DAILY on where she wanted to go and I kept asking her where she would stay who she wanted to see and visit, she never gave specific answers so I assumed she would hang out with me. Was I wrong! So please explain to your friends clearly what it is you wish to do. Maybe they feel since you are visiting where they live that your trip revolves around them and they only have the best intentions.

L84SKY

Tell them you'd really be more comfortable in a hotel but would love to spend whatever amount of time that you're comfortable with, going around with them.

msdotliz

I agree - tell them you would rather stay in hotel, but will spend some time with them. We stayed with friends for 10 days. They were having marital problems and we were dying to get out on our own just to get away from their fighting. I told my hubby never again. We compromised this year by going on a cruise in Italy and meeting up with them for a few days after. That was just perfect.

Gina_07

Definitely book the hotel BEFORE you get there and let them know about it. That will also give you more freedom when you are there. My friend and her family stayed with friends in Switzerland. The apartment was large and comfortable, the kids got their own bedroom etc. However, she was exhausted after the trip, since, as she admitted, they never had a chance to relax and just be on their own.

Once you are there, you will have to worry about telling them that you want to move to a hotel and you want some time on your own. It may not work out easily. You will have to worry about this during your flight and during some of your stay there. Is that what you want to do on a vacation?

I think there are some really good suggestions above about how to explain it to your friends. As difficult as it may seem, it is a lot easier to fix it now. Just do it, listen to me, you may regret if you don't. Good luck!

suze

I stay with a friend in Switzerland, and have done so 5 trips now over the past 10 years.

I feel very strongly that you need to committ and stay with your friend's fo the entire time (no matter how it turns out at their apartment) or book a hotel and let them know your plans in advance.

To stay with them, then decide to move out, is incredibly rude and an abuse of their kind offer of hospitality.

Christina

I agree with that. I think you should just be honest, there's nothing wrong about that -- sounds like you did that okay. But to stay in someone's place and move out if you don't like is incredibly rude, I agree. I don't see any way you can explain that, it sounds really rude. If you are telling this friend you are staying there, and then after a couple days say you want to move out, that's really insulting. Make up your mind up-front so there is no question of the plans, or expectations. Sounds like this friend is really glad to see you, but also the organizer/planner/mother hen type or whatever, and wants to plan everything. Given that, I don't see how you could move out without insulting here. I'm not that sensitive about this stuff, but if I made special plans and arrangements and prepared my house for someone for a certain time, and they accepted that invitation, then left in a day or two by saying (basically) they couldn't stand to be with me, I don't think that could easily not be a blot on the friendship. Unless you have already stated those terms up front (we may leave if we don't like it) and everything is okay with that. Given your original post and you being talked into thing you didn't even want, that seems unlikely that you've said that, though.

fall06

Other people in this thread seem to think that (a) having sex is for everybody a quiet event that doesn't wake up the whole house and (b) having sex is something you can schedule for nights when you are alone, rather than with friends.

My experience of people in in the Netherlands is that they are very open about sex. I would tell my friends that I want to be with my sweetie.

You're spending a huge amount of money to go on this trip, so get what you want out of it. If you really want to include other people in your plans, you might invite them to join you in some touristy activities you k