rubies

Here's an etiquette question:

My (romantically involved) friend and I are traveling to Europe soon, and we're staying with friends. Originally, we were going to stay in a hotel, but our friends insisted. One particular friend has also insisted on being our tourguide in the Netherlands, taking off from work our entire trip and scheduling our every waking moment.

Any thoughts on how to ask her to "tone it down"? As this is our first trip to Europe together, and we had already presented this as a semi-romantic trip (although staying with friends certainly isn't), I'm not sure what else we can do.

Thanks,
Rubies

suze

Tell the well meaning friend and host that you need some time alone together, you would like some time not on a schedule to explore and relax, that they don't need to miss so much work on your account, and lastly get a hotel if you feel you need to. No one can "insist" on where you choose to stay, it's your vacation.

cigalechanta

I say stop it in the bud.
We stayed one night with friends in Provence but never again, the wife tried to orchestrate every hour. We now stay nearby in another village and have visits with them because we do like them but the savings because of staying there is not a good option for us who like to get up when we want, travel where we want, eat when we want and where.

LoveItaly

Hi rubies, you might want to try this. Thank you friend for her generous hospitality but tell her/him that neither you or your friend are good at sleeping the whole night through and consequently often wake up, turn on the TV etc. Explain that due to your sleeping habits that you will all be more comfortable staying in a hotel. Be firm..it is your trip.

You could also tell your friend that you certaily want to see her/him but due to the lack of time you and your friend have to spend together at home due to work or whatever that you both really need some quiet time to explore the Netherlands on your own. Explain that you do not want a schedule and you want to be able to sleep in when in the mood and to just wing it every day. I am sure your friends in the Netherlands mean well and are no doubt thrilled to have you visit but it is your trip and being honest will be the best otherwise none of you will be happy and you will feel like you have wasted your time and money.

Consider this..what is the most important to you two? Having a romantic trip or giving into friends and ruining your vacation?

Dukey

As usual, my view will be in the minority on this but I do NOT think you should lie about your feelings to these "friends."

Either suck it up or tell them point blank that you need some "down time" and the proposed "pace" is too fast for you.

If they are really your "friends" they will understand. If you'd rather be deceitful and harbor a lot of resentment then say nothing.

knoxvillecouple

Dare I suggest that you tell your European friends that you wish to explore your relationship with your romantically involved friend a bit and would feel more comfortable in an alternative accommodation? So ... instead of saying that you get up in the middle of the night and watch TV (???), you get up in the middle of the night and do other things!

KC

P.S. Even folks in their 60s like their privacy, ya' know!

TommieG

Just be honest now! Say that you appreciate all the effort they are doing, but tht you would also like some time on your own. It would surprise me if they would not understand.

freeman0819

Yes, it certainly won't be too romantic if you are all together every hour of the day.

Might I suggest that you plan to "meet up" on certain days to go touring together, or a few meals out of the whole trip. Also re-iterate that this is a romantic trip, so you'll need some alone time.

carylspall

We NEVER stay with friends or relatives until last year in New Zealand when we were travelling with friends who had relatives in NZ. Never again! We saw so little of Auckland because we were always hanging around for our hostess (who took time off work and appointed herself as tour leader )to get ready. When we did get out it was nearly lunchtime and she had all these jobs to do and we had to follow! Aaaargh!! It drove me mad!!!!
They only had 1 bathroom so I found that difficult. I value my privacy too much.
Don't ruin what could be a great holiday - get a hotel!!!
Life is too short and holidays too precious to be spoiled.

kerouac

Even when my brother and his wife visited last year in Paris, they made it clear that they would spend half the time at my place and half the time at a hotel, and we all found that this worked out perfectly well. We still saw each other every day while they were at the hotel, but we weren't constantly getting in each other's way or disrupting private plans -- and of course I certainly didn't need to go to the Louvre, the Orsay, the Eiffel Tower or any of that stuff with them.

bellastarr

I alos don't agree with the post who suggested that you make up some story to explain your desire to have some some alone together. I have run into similar issues staying with friends in Italy, and I strongly feel that a friendly, yet honest and straightforward approach is always best, and in the long run is more likely to have a good result.

Your post convinced me that your friends have your happiness in mind, so you can define your needs to them in a friendly way and then be sure to spend some of your time with them to honor the friendship.

My mother is a bit like the poster who thought making up a story would be more "polite", and because I grew up in that atmosphere, it took me many years to find a better way to explain my needs clearly to others without feeling guilty. And I've learned that friendly honesty is best.

Clifton

One way to go, if you're not comfortable with confrontation: Instead of saying you don't want to stay where she wants and do what she plans, which she'll probably see as evaluating her or her choices, privately take her into your confidence (ok, so even if it's only partly true). Tell her on the sly that your romantic partner doesn't know it yet, but you were surprising them with a very romantic trip with lots of private walks, secret dinners and a room with atmosphere, etc. The only way for her to help you, which is what she actually appears to want to do, is to help keep the secret. So now she's *in* on on the plan, except in reality, it's *your* plan, not hers.

hetismij

Just be honest. Explain that whilst you appreciate their help and kindness you would like to spned some (mosT) od the time as a couple, exploring at your own pace. Say that any suggestions they can make of palces to visit are welcome, and indeed a couple of days out with them will be much appreciated, but that you'd really rather spend the time together. You hope they understand.
If they are real friend they will, and if they get huffy then they aren't the friends you thought they were.

Clifton

Ah, I've read down more - something I usually do first - and see there have been some variations of my suggestion already.

Anyway, as long as there's truth in the presentation, I don't particularly see the value of the head-on approach vs the soft sell. Friends might be a bit controlling sometimes, but it doesn't mean they don't have the best of intentions. She's just excited that she's going to get to spend time with you and that she has something to share. People like feeling needed, but can get a little greedy with it sometime. Nothing wrong with being gently understanding about it for the sake of a friend's feelings, as long as you don't sell yourself short in the process.

ira

Hi R,

Is the tour-guide friend the same as the staying-with friends?

If not, you can tell all of your sets of friends that you have to schedule other people as well as them, and can't stay with them the whole trip.

You then have time with each other and with friends.

Enjoy your visit.

rubies

Thanks, everyone, for the varied suggestions. After reading through, I think being honest is the best way to go, so I've emailed her and thanked her for her efforts and planning, but also said we'll be fine on our own for several of the days with a handy guidebook or two (that I've already been pouring over) and a map and suggested not taking off of work to follow us around on our leisurely itinerary through Amsterdam. If we get there and feel too cramped in her and her partner's place, then we'll go the hotel route.

And yes, this particularly excited-for-our-visit friend is one that we're staying with.

Again, thanks so much!

Viajero2

I am w/Cigalenta: Stop it in the bud. There nothing else to do with a clueless friend but to be open and honest. I say clueless because you would have to be to even attempt to get yourself so involved in the midst of a couple's vacation. On that note: was it something you said to her that may had given her the impression?

I have to say, sadly this situation is more common than it should. Some years back, I MENTIONED to friends that we were going to Spain and the next thing I learned is that they are asking us when are we flying in/out of Madrid because they have decided THEY will be joining us all 10 days! A younger me was not wise enough to "grab the bull by the horns"; I just went along. While it all turned out OK, the right thing to do was to SPEAK UP, which is what I encourage you to do. Choose the right words, no need to be harsh, but you need to be open and firm. First thing to do, though, is have your own plan drafted out, including hotels.

suze

rubies, sorry but I disagree with your approach. Here's my thinking...

It will be MUCH more difficult to move out once you arrive and have spent a night or two in their home. At THAT point I can see why they would take it personally... that you feel "too cramped" and don't like spending so much time with them.

If you have arranged a hotel in advance, then it is not any reflection on them or their home, it's about you having privacy for a romantic vacation.

Linda431

All great suggestions. Just pick one that you feel comfortable with.

I use a variety of this scenario:

"That is so nice of you to offer to show us around. I can't wait to see Amsterdam. Would you be available on Thursday and Friday afternoon? We've made some plans of our own for Saturday."

dperry

I don't know how long your visit will be, but you may want to consider spending half of the time at your friend's apartment, and the other half in a hotel.
Since you've already implied you want this to be a romantic trip, they should understand this.