We have been sorting through our necesisties for our trip starting next Sunday.

I was wondering how many half sized deodorants and shampoes others have.

Hotel Soap, no more!

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-size Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of the Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid,
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for 2 weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I wont need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I did not remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet of all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for this past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745AM and do not get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned to me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left me another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-sized Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously you maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know here you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up to date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet
- 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser
- 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser
- 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,
- 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory,
- 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet
- 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In my shower soap dish
- 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub
- 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub
- 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault to avoid further misunderstandings.

LOL My wife has whole box of those things! Whenever we have guests come to stay with us she makes a little baskets with the things and lays them out with towels etc.
She denies it but I swear she would come home with the tacky paintings too if she could!

So funny, Anonymous. I've been there. I always take my own full size bar of soap -- no telling where I could lose one of those miniatures!!

Thanks for the compliment, Patrick. As you know, I usually stick to poetry.

Anonymous, are you really taking credit for this little piece written by Shelley Berman and published in 1972?(and still under copyright in case the Fodor's watchers are watching.)

Anonymous- that was sooooooooo funny that I had tears in my eyes from laughing.....and kudos to Mr Berman for writing this piece....!!!

Hi Anonymous. Why in the world would you waste your time on complaining about all these little soaps? Have you never hear of "waste baskets"? And why in the world do I read abt. it and then bother to comment on it? Life is weird! If the thruth be known, I like those little soaps, they remind me of a nice shower away from home.

ron, as you've noticed, I take credit worldwide for everything that loses its original attribution (though as I commented to Patrick I mostly take credit for bad poetry).

II, lighten up, you read about it and commented on it because at Fodors replies accumulate for no apparent reason, just like those little soaps do!

Fine, anon, except that this piece has not lost its original attribution, http://www.shelleyberman.com/books_soaps.htm

Dear Shelly,

Great routine. As fresh now as when you first did it.

Dear Anonymous,

My lawyers will be contacting you soon.

Shelley Berman

Anon
I love that series of letters...I was sent it when I first joined Thomson about 5 years ago. It made me HOWL! It still makes me laugh out loud!
Thanks for reminding me...

IC
I don't tend to buy lots of smaller size stuff except for with shampoo or conditioner if I happen to be using a particularly large size at home...
Too much hassle and too much wastage...

Anytime you have those small extra bars of soap, shampoo, mouthwash, toothpaste, etc. PLEASE donate them your to local homeless shelter. Most shelters provide a bed and showers. However, because of funding problems, they are always in needed of personal hygene products. It's a small gesture but to some it makes their day. We all know how much better we feel about ourselves when we are clean. While you make not hear about it personally, the less fortunate will appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Great idea, Lil!

Ron, if you do a google search on a chunk of the "Hotel Soap" text, you'll see that it comes up a thousand times, mostly unattributed. I just copied the first version that was formatted reasonably.

When I saw IC's original post, I remembered this routine and that's how I found it. If only Shelley had added his first name in signing his letters, I would've recognized his justifiably famous name, as would the hundreds of other people who've "published" it online, and it wouldn't have become as generic as kleenex.

Not that I'm initimidated by your lawyers, nobody's have found me yet! But next time I Google for a piece that I remember a bit of, I'll look thru the listings more thoroughly, checking for an attribution, OK?

Sorry guys 'n gals. Thought I was starting a humourous thread, not a legal discussion.

Nobody else has piles of leftovers?

Local shelters do not want anything that has been opened, the same way bloodbanks do not want my blood because I have spent 12 weeks in UK in the last ten years and therefore have BSE.

As if it were British Spongiforme Engilitis.