noname for now.

I know this is not the place for this, but since I have been posting here for a yr. and gotten great input, I guess I am looking for .... ? don't know. <BR>I have had a marital bomb dropped on my marriage. <BR>Husband still thinks we can go on our trip together with the children, even though as he says the marriage is probably over. <BR>I have trip insur., but it does not cover anxiety conditions, or mental "illness" <BR>My real inclination is to just go with the children, but I do not think they will want to do this trip without Daddy. <BR>I have looked forward to this for a yr now,and I am so sad and confused. <BR>I know this is not the Lonely Hearts Column, <BR>Or a marital therapy board, but... <BR>Has anyone EVER been in this position before!!?? <BR>Anyone have any words of wisdowm for me? <BR> <BR>This is NOT a troll, I do not post trolls, and would never joke about a situation like this, so if you want to make rude comments, please don't. I am pretty fragile right now.

deepa

Go. A different (and more relaxing) environment is good for you and will help you see things clearly, no matter what the outcome. Good luck.

karen

Go, but if it's without your husband, change your itinerary so you're not doing/seeing the things you had planned with him.

Maira

Go. Even the change of scenery will probably help you and the kids to distract and find some comfort on the new experiences. Life goes on. If you need to rearrange the lodging arrangements and the sightseeing itinerary, do so, but do not miss this vacation, when you probably need it the most. <BR> <BR>I lost my father a month ago. I was packing for Rome. There was the option to do the trip after the funeral, but I just cancelled the whole trip. Guess what? I regretted it. After the funeral, I found myself wanting to go away for distraction in the worse way. I ended up making reservations for Spain (leaving in two weeks) and we are going to Rome in November (my Mom is now part of the plan). The point is you need this for you, do it. <BR> <BR>Wish you all the best. Hang in there, kiddo.

Kimerley

A friend was in a similiar position and went on the long planned trip. <BR>They had a lovely time. <BR>Go, enjoy the family holiday. Kid's are not dumb and will know all is not well..but a different environment away from the usual hassles may help you sought out what the "problems" are. <BR>Good luck

nancy

I hate posting under assumed names, and do not see any reason to do so here. <BR>thank you to all who have been supportive! <BR>I know life goes on, and this too will pass, but.....

leo

Even though it may be very hard, please go and try to have a wonderful time. As others have said, it may help the situation to have a change in sceanery. On the other hand it may sadly, be a last wonderful memory for your children with both their parents. I pray it does not come to that. My husband and I almost split 10 years ago, we struggled for a few years and now we are so much in love and planning for our 25th anniversary trip next summer. I urge you to really consider your children. It is so important that they have an intact family. I think it is just bull shit to break up any family for "personal" reasons. The anguish that both you and your husband feel will not go away any time soon, but it will go away. If the family is broken up it can never be put back together. I hope you have a truely wonderful trip.

pop

Do you really want to go on a trip with him? Will it be weird for all, especially the kids? The kids probably want Dad to go, but they probably think it will be like old times, etc. How old are the kids? Unless they're pretty little, I'm sure they'll be very aware of the problems. Any chance the trip could pull you back together? If not, I don't think you should travel with him. Either way could be difficult. I think he's a real jerk for doing that right before your big trip!

JoAnn

While I agree with a previous poster that this has the hints of sabotage on your spouse's part, that may be the better reason to go ahead and try to make the best out of it. Be the grown up. Who knows, this may show him a side of you that he needs to see. Let him miss that part of you as well. Oh, and Pop, you'll be mazed of the resilience of kids these days; I'll be surprised if they aren't actually the ones that will help Nancy get thru this whole ordeal. <BR> <BR>Dear, best of luck. Keep your chin up.

Judy

Hello "no name", I am so sorry. I do hope you can still go with the children, without him. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. I will say a little prayer to St. Anthony so that you may "find peace". Please feel free to e-mail me......I would love to help in any way possible, even if it is only to listen. Judy

Lisa

Firstly, let me say how really sorry am for what you are going through. <BR>Secondly, the way I see it, you have 2 alternatives - <BR> a)to go as a family and see if things will work out. Only the 2 of you will know that. <BR>b) to go on your own with your kids. If you don't you will truly regret it and you will have one more thing to resent your husband for. <BR> <BR>You have planned for it for so long. Because of my husband's work schedule, my kids and I travel a lot without him. We go on wonderful extended trips that we could not do within his time constraints. You all may feel strange at first but it is going to be strange regardless of where you are and if you are in a new situation, you will have distractions. You will also not have to deal with the stress that the situation of enforced companionship could bring. <BR> <BR>With our "grass widow" traveling that we do, I have become very independent and confident and know that I can handle many situations that my friends who cannot get as far as the airport without their husbands, cannot. <BR> <BR>Maybe, the message that you send to your kids will be, see, we can survive, we are not going to roll over and die. Our lives will carry on, maybe not in the direction that we thought it would, but Mom is strong and we have direction and continuity. <BR> <BR>Only you know your situation best, but I strongly urge you to go. What have you got to lose by going? <BR> <BR>If you do it, let us know how the trip goes, anonymously of course. It seems like you have a lot of people "rooting" for you.

sosorry

I am a very strong woman - career, hobbies, etc. but would be quite anxious if I had to suddenly go to Europe on my own with the kids in a tough emotional state so I would understand if you didn't want to go by yourself with the kids. Not knowing your relationship with your husband...if you feel this is truly over, I think it would be too hard to go away with him - set up false hopes and set you up for an even worse fall. If however you think there is a possibility of this bringing you closer together etc. then you may want to consider it. I hate to bring this up (but I've been there and done that) but if there is another woman involved and you know now or find out on your trip it could be devastating. I would forget about the money per se. and decide if you would go if money was not a factor. Also trip insurance may well cover a "severe emotional distress" situation, signed off by your doctor.

Ed

I would tend to forget whatever nonrefundable money may you have invested in the trip. At this point emotion and moving on with your life, one way or another, are the more important concerns. <BR> <BR>Only you can decide what's right to do, in concert with the kids, and your husband. <BR> <BR>If you're, say, 90% certain the marriage is kaput then forget about taking the trip with him. It might, for a variety of reasons, seem like the right thing now, but I think you'll regret it every night on the trip, it will negatively color your memories of the trip forever, and you'll regret it later. <BR> <BR>If the kids absolutiely won't go on the trip without Dad, good reason to cancel the trip. <BR> <BR>My hope would be that you and the kids can determine you do want to take the trip. I do think that would be good for you and them, and could be a good building block into the future. <BR>

Santa Chiara

Here's a thought. Presumably you will have custody of the kids, and he will be relatively free (I've been there, before, too). I think the statistic is that when children are involved, the ex-husband's standard of living increases by either 40 or 60 percent and the woman's decreases by that amount. Anyway, find a friend to travel with and leave the kids with him for the trip (if they are not too young); he needs to learn how to deal with them by himself, at least on weekends. What better time. I know how long you have been planning for the trip and how much you look forward to it. Without him along, you may find new goals and objectives in life. When I was in the spot you are now, I never dreamed I would be living in Italy, albeit 20 years later. I know it's not much comfort to you now, but you will survive this. And you are better off without someone who is so obviously mean-spirited.

Cindy

Nancy, <BR> <BR>I'm so sorry to hear about this. After reading your posts over the last year, I've really started to feel like I know you. <BR> <BR>I don't think there's much of a good answer. My inclination would be to cancel the trip and keep the kids in their routines. Travel is fun, but also stressful. Maybe chances for reconcilliation are better if stress is minimized? Hard to say. <BR> <BR>And as for hubby coming along if you decide to go, well, if he dropped the kind of marital bomb I suspect he dropped, I would definitely suggest that he not participate. It just won't be possible for you two to pretend nothing happened, and the tension will be very hard on the kids. <BR> <BR>Anyway, I really hope this works out for the best. Good luck, dear.

nancy

You all have brought tears to my eyes with your caring. <BR>I have always considered this a great site, but you guys have really come through. <BR>I *can not* tell you what these responses mean to me. <BR>I am getting a long weekend away , sans husband and children , to catsit my sister's animals. <BR>I will definitely be checking in frequently from there. <BR>Leo, we too went through this two yrs ago, but I had thought we had gooten past this, and this is a real surprise for me! <BR>I hung in there then, and plan to do so now. <BR>My children are so important to me, and to my husband, and they only have one chance to grow up. <BR>I come from an intact family, parents married 52 yrs. <BR>My husband's parents split when he was 10, and all 4 of his siblings are now divorced too. <BR>Lisa, I am a "grass widow" in another way, my husband travels away from home at least 40 % of the yr., so I know the stresses that can be. <BR>Again, thank you all so much for being such caring people, and for all your valuable and varied viewpoints. <BR>

Beth Anderson

Nancy, <BR> <BR>I am so sorry to hear of your problems. I hope for the best for you and your children. <BR> <BR>As for the trip, I say, unequivocally, go! You have been prepping for a year - studying Italian, planning, dreaming - you can't add another disappointment to the list right now. I think I would go without him, but take your kids, by all means. (that's a gut reaction - go without him, others may disagree - but if he has his mind made up and he is just going to add stress - piss on 'im! go it alone, enjoy, you know you can do it!) <BR> <BR>It might make you very sad to think about this right now, but, whatever the outcome, there will be a time when you will look back at this trip very fondly. Something you did, for yourself and your kids, WITH your kids - a bonding experience... and you made it through and you WILL enjoy yourself. <BR> <BR>Look at it like this, if this is the way it has to be, it is a new start in a bold new direction. I agree, you will be showing your kids that even with life's big disappointments, you can survive and thrive! <BR> <BR>I also think, for me, travel can be comforting, too. It just puts so many things in perspective. If something isn't going exactly as I like it at home - well, I don't need to worry about that until I get back, and, sometimes it just takes a little time away and perspective to make it seem less pressing (not to trivialize at all what you are going through - I can't imagine and I don't want to make this sound like a quick fix). <BR> <BR>I think he sounds like a bit of a control freak, or passive aggressive, or something, to drop such a thing on you before this trip. What is he thinking? Why do people do stuff like this - I had a boyfriend once disappear 6 weeks before I had to take the bar and he reappeared 2 weeks later (one month before the bar) to say he had been dating someone else for two months, and "here's your stuff"! People can be such inconsiderate jerks sometimes, ya gotta just rise above it. <BR> <BR>this too shall pass, one way or the other. as hard as that sounds. <BR> <BR>my two cents, for what it is worth. <BR> <BR>good luck, dear, it WILL be ok. <BR> <BR>Beth

janice

Dear dear noname, <BR>My heart is broken for you - I can't imagine your hurt right now. My advice: depending on the ages of your children - go on the trip with them. If they're big enough to carry their own luggage, they will be old enough and mature enough to be a huge help and comfort to you on this trip, and the confidence you will gain from accomplishing this on your own will be useful to you in the future. As another poster very sadly pointed out, your standard of living might drop as a result of this, and you might as well have a wonderful trip now, while it's planned and you can go. And don't for a minute doubt how much help your kids will be - children tend to live up to whatever's put on them, and if they know you need them, they will be there for you in ways you never expect. <BR>Keep us all posted on your choices, and your progress. Many of us are behind you, no matter what choice you make, and will be praying and hoping for you.

Lynn

For what it's worth, my advice would be to go, for your kids. This could very well be the last trip you take as a family (I am so sorry for your troubles), and the final opportunity for your kids to enjoy having both mom and dad around.

pam

Can you carry on with your plans to go, and then if he decides not to go, oh well? I hope you will go. Let him stay home, with you and the kids thousands of miles away and unreachable. Italians will embrace a mother with children and that might make you feel good, too. I would hope you have a good time with your children, making memories that all will cherish, whatever exactly they turn out to be. It could also be a time for you & the kids to grow closer, and as some other poster wrote, to pull together and realize you will all be ok. I hope you go on this trip. I went thru a divorce ten years ago, and I wish you weren't having to deal with this, but you WILL be OK. Hang in there.