Hotel brochure-isms

Jun 19th, 2001, 04:42 AM
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Hotel brochure-isms

Charming ambience: Not newly renovated
Old-World charm: Never renovated
Historic: Dilapidated
Understated elegance: Spartanly furnished
Evokes another era: Shared bath
Cosmopolitan: Little English spoken
Private: An hour from where you want to be
Warm hospitality: No air-conditioning
Cozy atmosphere: No lobby
Overlooks ocean: Long walk down to beach
Climate-controlled room: The window opens.
(Andrew Harper)
Jun 19th, 2001, 04:51 AM
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Florence, bonjour!

Jun 19th, 2001, 05:23 AM
Santa Chiara
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Thanks or the break. Very funny.

Evokes another era: no internet connections, CNN or frigobar.

Features double-paned windows: noisy beyond belief.

Secluded: Can't find it in broad daylight without a Global Positioning System.

Access to gym: half-way across town and you have to pay a hefty membership fee.

Dormered rooms: Can't stand up if you are over 5'5".

Popular hotel: All the down-scale tour groups stop here.

Unfortunately, I have stayed in all of the above.
Jun 19th, 2001, 05:48 AM
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Oh yes! And then there's:

Easy auto access - at intersection of two major highways

Perfect for families - bathrooms smell like dirty diapers

Artfully decorated breakfast room - a cellar closet painted purple

Convenient to many restaurants - above an all-night Indian restaurant

Friendly and helpful owners -- M. will ogle the wife and daughters and Mme. will talk your ear off.

Jun 19th, 2001, 06:37 AM
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Family-owned and run - whole different meaning in Sicily
Outdoor activities - upper-body workout swatting the mosquitoes coming off the stagnant water in the "swimming pool"
Nearby shops and markets - one roadside stand selling questionable mushrooms, and a bait shop
Child-friendly - the sinkholes have been covered with cardboard and "Mr. Neighbor" has been returned to the correctional facility
Colorful locals - noisy drunks on shore leave
Lively festivals - the townsfolk throw a parade for the drunks on shore leave
Close to airports - landing gear has knocked off the chimney more than a few times
Close to public transportation - the subway stop is in our basement
Jun 19th, 2001, 06:57 AM
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Cheers you guys, way too funny, but sadly I think we have all stayed in places with a few of these "charming features"!
Jun 19th, 2001, 07:11 AM
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This reminds me of when we bought our house ........ do you think the people who write hotel brochures moonlight as real estate agents?
Jun 19th, 2001, 07:17 AM
Book Chick
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Hi All!
I love this thread! A couple of more:

Bucolic, pastoral retreat: you will never find us, it doesn't matter how many maps, compasses or local people you query

Rustic: no running water, has never been renovated & never will be if we have anything to do with it

Antique furnishings: that stick of a settee will break into kindling if more than 50 lbs. of pressure comes near it

Fireplaces: because we have no central heating

Caveat, traveler!
Jun 19th, 2001, 10:27 AM
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Ohmigosh: This all reminds me of the brochure text from the first house we rented in Tuscany, a honeymoon trip we dreamed of for five years after the wedding, until we had both time and money to take it.

Once we'd booked the house (six months before the trip), we'd pore over the highly detailed and lyrical description of the property like it was poetry. I think I had it memorized.

When we got to the house, I needed all my powers of self-control not to burst into tears while the owner showed us around. Once he left, I cried.

I was naive; now I know all about brochure-isms! And I can laugh about them....
Jun 19th, 2001, 03:13 PM
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Jun 19th, 2001, 03:55 PM
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A stone's throw from the world famous champs d'elysees, the arc d'triumph, the eiffel tower and the naughty temptations of Place Pigalle stands the intimate yet sophisticated gathering place of "people in the know" the newly renovated Hotel Anvhovy.
Our 38 spacious rooms with fully marbeled toilets en suite will satisfy your dreams of the best that paris has to offer.
Our fully stocked bar guided by the deft hands of our talented barman Marcel will create apertifs to meet your every desire. A lavish breakfast is served in our charming exposed beams basement restaurant with a complete menu of rolls. croissants, delicious jams and jellies and beverages of your choice from evey part of the world.
At the Anchovy you will truly find a "home away from home" where your every need will be fullilled by our friendly and courteous staff whose only wish is to make your stay a
memorable and pleasant experience.
Our concierge staff will be happy to provide theater and railroad tickets, restaurant passes--absolutely nothing you require is beyond their capacty to provide you with perfect smiling service that is the hallmark of the famous Hotel Anhcovy where such famous celebrities as Mischa Auer, Nigel Bruce and Fatty Arbuckle spent many a happy hour.
Rates: 300ff double 245 single.

Jun 20th, 2001, 02:08 PM
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This one is good!

Any more out there??
Jun 20th, 2001, 04:00 PM
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Limited Room Service: whatever is left from the breakfast buffet
Jun 20th, 2001, 04:49 PM
Brain Trust
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"Sunny Locale"
You're going to bake like a roasting chicken, as we have no awnings, no fans, and don't even ask about A/C

"Breezy Terraces"
The winds are similar to hurricane gusts, or conversely, see "Sunny Locale" above, as natural breezes will be as close as you get to A/C

Jun 20th, 2001, 05:02 PM
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If you can admit to the guilty pleasure of watching the movie "European Vactation" you'll remember Chevy Chase standing in his matchbox size Paris hotel room saying with all innocence, "Gee, Honey, the room doesn't look at all like this picture in the brochure."
Jul 6th, 2002, 10:43 AM
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