Tourgoddess2

After more than 25 years, here are my best ones:

New York woman watching the sunset in Mallory Square, Key West: This sunset is wonderful; does this happen every night?
---------------------------------------------------------

Woman to tour guide at the Athabasca River bank after watching her husband go off on a white water rafting trip: No, I won't go back to the hotel with you, I'll just sit and wait here for him to return.
--------------------------------------------------------
Mississippi gentleman at SeaTac before flying to Alaska: Where do we exchange our money?

--------------------------------------------------------

American woman traveling through the Canadian Rockies:
How much does that mountain weigh?

Tour guide answer: With or without trees? (Or with or without glaciers?)

--------------------------------------------------------
The following is my funniest personal story by far:

Two New York ladies discussing the Scottish kilt uniforms at the Banff Springs Hotel:

Woman 1: What's that hairy thing hanging between his legs.

Woman two: I think it's called a scrotum.

British gentleman overhearing the conversation: It is only a scrotum if one has X-Ray vision; it's called a sporran.

cindysafari

While we were in Italy, a family walked by with two very small children, about 3 years and 4 years....our friend said, "Can you believe that? As little as they are and they are speaking Italian like it's nothing! Where did they learn to speak italian like that!"

PaulaRussell

I lead art tours in Italy. Last time I was there an American couple stopped me on the street and asked me how to get to the Sistine Chapel. When I gently told them that since it was in Rome, I would suggest they go by train, they left in a huff, after telling me they would just find someone else to ask since I obviously didn't know my way around Florence.

westseek

While taking a tour of the Pearl Harbor Memorial in Hawaii, I overheard an older man explaining the significance to his young "trophy" girlfriend. After his explanation, she asked, "Did anyone get hurt?" (Sadly, a TRUE story.)

atalanta

I was driving along the turnpike and got that lower bowel rumble that signals disaster. Fortunately there was a rest stop not much further. I went into the restroom and, knowing it was going to be nasty, found the stall the furthest away from the door way in the back with nobody else around. It was nasty. As I was getting ready to leave the stall, I heard voices in the stall next to me: "Mommy, it's stinky in here." "Yes," the mom replied, "it sure is." I had to fight not to laugh.

MissPrism

Many years before the Channel Tunnel existed, I was at Victoria Station with a friend.
The public lavatories had signs "Ladies" "Dames".
"Oh", quoth she, " that must be for Americans".

More recently I was on a London river boat and sat opposite a group of Americans.
One of the women asked, "What happens when the London Eye gets to the top?"
One of the men, catching my eye said, "It turns over".
"Oh my, and the Queen rode it!"

I and the naughty American remained sober as judges.

G_Hopper

SFR_DANIEL wrote:
<i>At a conference in California I was navigating through the day's luncheon buffet, which was a make your own taco experience. I was looking for the ground beef, salsa and sour cream, but one of my fellow travelers had a more urgent question. He stopped an employee, pointed at the frijoles and asked with a very worried face, 'Are these vegetarian beans'?</i>

Many refried beans are made with lard.

prr761

On a cruise ship...the wife of a couple heading for the pool mentioned that it was time for the free ice cream buffet. The husband replied "Do you think I want to waste all that time standing in line for anything?" Sounds like a busy, stressful vacation to me!

atp2007

Years ago in Italy we were surrounded by an American tourist group overlooking Rome when one of the woman whined to her husband "Well Harold we have a lot of beautiful bridges in our country too!". My Brit wife repeats that one a lot.

Recently in Sydney we watched a gut taking pictures of the Opera House from the Botanical Gardens, when his wife asked him "Well have you taken the mandatory 1,000 pictures of the Opera House yet?"

After touring NYC all one morning one of our exhange students asked me, "So when do we get to the oart with all the tall buildings?". At first I was annoyed that she had not been paying attention, then realized that compared to Chinese cities, NYC is no longer that impressive.

BetsyAnn

Years ago in Acapulco my husband decided he wanted a cheeseburger for lunch. He asked the waiter to bring him "a hamburger with cheese on it." A short while later the waiter brought him a hamburger and a cheese omelette. When my husband explained that he wanted cheese on the burger, not a "cheese omelette," the waiter said, "well why didn't you just order a cheeseburger?"

docjean

Overhead in the Accademia Gallery in Florence Italy ... A female US tourist looking at Michelangelo's David said loudly to her tour guide "Where all men in Roman time built like that?" A man that was most likely her husband smiled and suggested that he was built like that but she ignored him.

ireland2

At Blarney Castle it started to hail, my friend who found Ireland to be "magical" started to collect the little hailstones and put them in her purse,she thought they were crystals falling from the walls. She came down to the ground level and asked "Did you get any of the crystals?!?!?!?!" Couldn't believe it when she found her purse wet!!!!!

lukehead

This from my mom (well educated and well traveled but on occasion a little loony): It was the early 50's and Mom was attending a convention in Quebec City. Daddy was at home taking care of the my brother, sister and me. She dutifully sent a picture postcard of Chateau Frontenac to her family in Michigan detailing her wonderful experience, explaining it was "almost like being in a foreign country". Mom died many years ago but we still have that postcard in a family scrapbook. She was able to laugh at herself.

One for the geographically challenged: A friend spent her college summers working for a AAA travel center preparing "Triptiks". Her favorite request was for a woman planning a trip from Detroit to Boston and wanting a routing that would include a stop at Yo-si-mitty (Yosemite) Park. She was hoping that she could make the drive in 3 days.

SusanSDG

Obnoxious woman on Vatican tour, was in Rome once before:
Sistine Chapel (I'm in awe), "I've seen it before";
Pieta (I'm weeping), "I've seen it before";
standing outside the front doors of ST. PETER'S, interruots the guide to ask, "Who is that hanging upside down on a cross?"

Giovanna

Lukehead's post reminded me of something that happened years ago. I was working for the summer (still in school) for Continental Oil Company's Touraide Headquarters. A postcard size itinerary request could be picked up at any Conoco gas station. It would be filled out, mailed to Touraide then then personalized maps marked, showing the requeted trip itinerary. I'll never forget the request someone made to go to Albert Turkey. It took a while but we finally realized he wanted to go to Albuquerque.

daveid

I heard a yell one day in this Cafe Toilet, a girl waitress rushed in and came out laughing, then the guys girlfriend went in, I asked the waitress what the problem was and she took a while to explain as she was laughing and Thai, she said the guy had caught his willy in his zip, after 10 mins and a bit of argghhhing, the guy came out all red and swaeting, he realised people knew by then and was embarrased but laughed also.

sheenaghp

we were taking a tour of Talum Mexico. As we walked along ,the guide, who's English left a lot to be desired coupled with the fact that he was sporting a brand new set of braces said" We are now about to see the second largest reef in the world." One of the tourists said in a stage whisper"Oh Edna, he says wea are about to see the second largest priest in the world"!

tejana

A few years ago DH and I were in Rome when the American football playoffs were going on. The Irish bar around the corner was advertising that the broadcast of the game would start at about 10 pm, so we showed up about 9:30 and joined a table of delightfully rowdy Brits that had been watching a soccer match. Trying to strike up a conversation, DH says to the guys "so have you been watching football all day or just soccer?"

Mucky

This should be made into a book !!!!
Now that would be a good holiday read.

Muck

laverendrye

Many years ago in Salzburg, I was visiting Mozart's birthplace when a group of American tourists came in with their Austrian guide. As he showed them around the room, he pointed out Mozart's own clavichord, which he proudly noted was the very one "which your President, Harry Truman, played." As their tour continued, he outlined Mozart's life, concluding with an account of his burial in a pauper's grave. This prompted one of the group to ask: "If he was all that good, how come he wasn't rich?"