plaindot

Hello there, I'm new here and I have a question regarding some possible cultural differences. I know very well this can be generally case by case basis, but there's a chance something I could miss as a whole, so any answer will be very appreciated.

The question is how diplomatic/direct French people are in saying no in general? I know French culture is pretty polite and there are certain indirectness/diplomatic ways in refusing something. I am just afraid I might be committing a cultural faux-pas/overstepping boundaries without knowing.

I will be travelling to Europe for 2 months and will stay in France for 7-10 days (mostly Paris and other places) before going to other countries.

The problem's background : Last year I worked with someone for 5 days and we become really good acquaintances. We kept in touch very occasionally, and around October last year I got news that I might be travelling to Europe (France + Germany) to attend some events. He offered his place for me to stay, which I graciously accepted and kept it in the back of my head, because I am used to couch-surfing.

Now a few months later the plans has been finalised (albeit very last minute) so I sent him an email to ask a few questions regarding the event (since he will be working there also), also asked if he could recommend decent inexpensive places for last-minute reservations (because I wasn't sure/was hesitant if I can ask directly if his offer still available). He said I could stay at his place if I want to, otherwise I can try a few places he suggested.

I'm an Indonesian and unfortunately we Indonesians can be quite indirect in saying no, so based on that I am just trying to avoid committing cultural travesty, considering I often read French people are very private and all things considered, we are not that close either.

For the record I have done this type of thing a few times in USA and Canada but I can understand if the culture is pretty different in Europe especially.

I am sorry if the question is quite strange, I am just concerned and would gladly just go and book a place, but would be great to understand more just in case for future interactions in general.

Thank you!!

kerouac

I am sure that you are welcome to stay at his place if he said so. Otherwise he would have given you a far-fetched reason that it was not possible -- plumbing emergency, other unexpected houseguests, etc.

plaindot

Is that so? I might be just applying some of my own culture, some Indonesian/chinese would still offer their place even if they're not actually 100% into it and will give several options to go somewhere instead as a very indirect way to "refuse" (can be quite confusing/maddening/went over the head to some, even to myself at times).

Just afraid it could be the same way in some other cultures without me knowing!
Thank you for your reply.

Gretchen

Be sure you are comfortable doing it, and accept--maybe saying "if you are sure, I'd love to come stay". I agree that if he didn't want to, he'd have given you the hotel names only, saying "something".

nytraveler

If the person was not willing to have you stay theywould not have renewed the offer - but just provided info on inexpensive places to stay.

It's true that europeans may be more formal in social situtions than americans are used to - but I'm not aware of any reluctance to be open about personal preferences for something like this. If the person had not immediately renewed the offer I would assume it was one of those "stay with me when you visit" and they assume you never come - but this does not sound like that.

I would just be very clear when yu wold like to stay before you arive exactly how long yo ou move on to other lodgings (I think staying 10 days would definnitely be pushing it - 3 or 4 days seems more appropriate.

plaindot

Definitely not more than 4 days, that will be overstaying their welcome. Thank you for your insights! I am just paranoid, not wanting to accidentally disrespecting anyone

Thank you everyone!

kerouac

The French do not often make this sort of offer, so when they do -- and they repeat it -- you can count on their sincerity.

The result can be great or not so great, depending on how the lodging is set up, if there is a whole family with kids living there, etc. But that part is the same in every country.

bilboburgler

From experience getting invited into a French person's home is pretty much a coup. Over many years of business there I've only managed it a few times, so I thing this is a very sincere offer.

StCirq

If a French person has invited you to stay, you are welcome to do so. No French person I have ever known, and I have known hundreds, would ever invite you if they didn't absolutely mean it. Period.

Whether you want to take them up on the offer is another matter entirely.

dulciusexasperis

I admire your obviously genuine desire to make sure you do not commit a 'faux pas'. There are a lot of people who wouldn't be that concerned.

I agree that the offer by your acquaintance sounds genuine and you should accept it as such without fear of offending. In fact, having made the first offer, your asking about other places to stay could have been seen as YOU not wanting to stay with the person. LOL.

plaindot

Thank you everyone! I am glad that French culture seems to be way more direct than Indonesian/Chinese's

Dulci: I just wasn't sure if it's okay to re-ask about his offer since months have come to pass, he could have less space or unable. I am glad he is okay with it because I think this can be a more immersive experience than staying in a hotel.

Thanks a lot for your replies everyone, it really helps!