Fellas: help me: Is he just a lying dog?
Jan 24th, 2001, 08:53 AM
#21
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When I met my boyfriend, he had not been on a trip by plane in over 30 years. We went to Europe, he loved it & so did I. We have been married just over a year and have gone out of the country 3 times and on trips in USA 6 or 7 times, not sure.
Anyway, my point is, I didn't change and he didn't change. We both just found out something new about ourselves and each other...we are travel-aholics.
Try a trip, he might like it. If he won't go, go with out him to find out if he really minds and may cause problems in the future. Make sure he knows how much it costs, be honest now so you won't have to live your life lying to him or keeping secrets.
Anyway, my point is, I didn't change and he didn't change. We both just found out something new about ourselves and each other...we are travel-aholics.
Try a trip, he might like it. If he won't go, go with out him to find out if he really minds and may cause problems in the future. Make sure he knows how much it costs, be honest now so you won't have to live your life lying to him or keeping secrets.
Jan 24th, 2001, 09:27 AM
#22
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A friend of mine has been in a committed relationship for about 14 years - his significant other has no interest in traveling. My friend loves to travel. My friend is very unhappy.
The love of travel and actually doing travel is very important to me - when and if I meet that significant person - travel will be a required, shared interest. I couldn't think of anything more frustrating / depressing than being somewhere incredibly beautiful and not being able to experience/ share it with that special someone. Even more important though is his outlook on life compared to your outlook on life. Personally, I'm not interested in someone who doesn't realize there is a HUGE, BEAUTIFUL world out there to see first hand. It's the little things that can wear one's soul down or build it up, day to day.
The love of travel and actually doing travel is very important to me - when and if I meet that significant person - travel will be a required, shared interest. I couldn't think of anything more frustrating / depressing than being somewhere incredibly beautiful and not being able to experience/ share it with that special someone. Even more important though is his outlook on life compared to your outlook on life. Personally, I'm not interested in someone who doesn't realize there is a HUGE, BEAUTIFUL world out there to see first hand. It's the little things that can wear one's soul down or build it up, day to day.
Jan 24th, 2001, 09:50 AM
#23
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Hi,
I have not read the whole post, sorry if this came up already...
I think the more important thing is, even if he cannot become a travel-nut like you & all of us are (and I hope he does) - will you still want to go with just your girlfriends, and, will he have a problem with that?
Will you feel guilty going alone/with friends, or resentful because he didn't want you to go alone or with friends (if that happens)?
Beth
I have not read the whole post, sorry if this came up already...
I think the more important thing is, even if he cannot become a travel-nut like you & all of us are (and I hope he does) - will you still want to go with just your girlfriends, and, will he have a problem with that?
Will you feel guilty going alone/with friends, or resentful because he didn't want you to go alone or with friends (if that happens)?
Beth
Jan 24th, 2001, 10:36 AM
#24
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Tell him the following JUST ONCE and then do it:
Travel matters. It's fun. I'm going.
You can come -- and I believe you'd enjoy traveling with me very much --- or you can stay home. If you stay at home, I'll take it that NOT travelling matters more to you than I do. You don't have to come on every trip, but this time you do.
Travel matters. It's fun. I'm going.
You can come -- and I believe you'd enjoy traveling with me very much --- or you can stay home. If you stay at home, I'll take it that NOT travelling matters more to you than I do. You don't have to come on every trip, but this time you do.
Jan 24th, 2001, 11:04 AM
#25
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This is like politics. I cannot for the life of me understand how James Carville and Mary Matlin can be married and come from such different points of view. Nor can I imagine being involved with someone who is not interested in traveling. It's part of the whole package. I have met plenty of nice, thoughtful, kind, yadda, yadda, yadda men who simply don't want to leave their Sunday afternoon football games, much less the country. No thanks.
But careful what you wish for. My significant other pushes the envelope on travel even more than I do. But that's what makes it exciting. I just cannot even imagine being with someone who doesn't have the curiosity, the spark, the initiative to get out there and see it all.
But careful what you wish for. My significant other pushes the envelope on travel even more than I do. But that's what makes it exciting. I just cannot even imagine being with someone who doesn't have the curiosity, the spark, the initiative to get out there and see it all.
Jan 24th, 2001, 01:30 PM
#27
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Shanna, I had to threaten my husband with "Look, dear, I am buying two tickets, your name or someone's name is gonna' be on the other...who's name shall it be?" He knew I was serious, and since that trip, we've returned to Europe many times. I say buy the tickets!!!
ps. You have my sympathy. I escorted a group of my clients for a week in London. They too had husbands who were not interested in a trip. We had a marvelous time and I am planning the next trip to Paris for another group.
Only my husband knows what he's missing!
Good Luck and GO!!!
ps. You have my sympathy. I escorted a group of my clients for a week in London. They too had husbands who were not interested in a trip. We had a marvelous time and I am planning the next trip to Paris for another group.
Only my husband knows what he's missing!
Good Luck and GO!!!
Jan 24th, 2001, 03:23 PM
#28
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Shanna~
Did you EVER dream you'd recieve so many honest and personal responses to your question?
I scrolled down and STOPPED when reading Mark's reply- He is dead right. We are all different and thus offering different pieces of advice... but I have to agree with Mark.
I have been traveling internationally for 12 years, and have constantly struggled between having the freedom to go at my own pace to where I want to go...and then sitting on the most incredible mountain top in Africa overlooking wild animals roaming in total freedom, rosy pink sunsets behind the Eiffel tower, sunrises from the bows of sailboats in Fiji- and realized I was there without any one to 'share' it with.
My point is, that 'I' have 'chosen' to spend my life exploring, learing and passionately feeling connected to these places. There is NOTHING worse than 'hoping' someone will take a trip with you and change. If someone is ALREADY doing this on their own, it is "IN" them...already.
I broke down on several occasions and took boyfreinds with me who normally stayed at home, did the NFL 24-7 (which on some weekends IS fun!)and never initiated their own journeys into life or other cultures. The result of these trials? I came away with the phrase, "No company is better than BAD company."
I'm not trying to be cruel, but why am I falling out of my chair because the oysters and champagne in Paris are heavenly when the guy across me is saying, "It's only food."
There are TOO many wonderful men out there who could and would share your passion for going to Europe, who would stop and look at the same books as you do and say, "Wow, we should go" all because the photographs are amazing.
Life is too short to wait on the person in front of you to change, too many people like you are looking for YOU!
So, I am perfectly content to keep doing what I love and enjoy- one day I'll look up and somewill will be right beside me doing the same thing on his own, and our roads will meet.
It is SO important to me, my soul and spirit, that I couldn't think of reliving the frustrating / depressing event of being somewhere incredibly beautiful and not being able to experience/ share it with that special someone.
Go with your heart...what you know is 'you'...
And Kudos to all those that DID have ment urn around and go....you opened a world up to them!
Wendy
Did you EVER dream you'd recieve so many honest and personal responses to your question?
I scrolled down and STOPPED when reading Mark's reply- He is dead right. We are all different and thus offering different pieces of advice... but I have to agree with Mark.
I have been traveling internationally for 12 years, and have constantly struggled between having the freedom to go at my own pace to where I want to go...and then sitting on the most incredible mountain top in Africa overlooking wild animals roaming in total freedom, rosy pink sunsets behind the Eiffel tower, sunrises from the bows of sailboats in Fiji- and realized I was there without any one to 'share' it with.
My point is, that 'I' have 'chosen' to spend my life exploring, learing and passionately feeling connected to these places. There is NOTHING worse than 'hoping' someone will take a trip with you and change. If someone is ALREADY doing this on their own, it is "IN" them...already.
I broke down on several occasions and took boyfreinds with me who normally stayed at home, did the NFL 24-7 (which on some weekends IS fun!)and never initiated their own journeys into life or other cultures. The result of these trials? I came away with the phrase, "No company is better than BAD company."
I'm not trying to be cruel, but why am I falling out of my chair because the oysters and champagne in Paris are heavenly when the guy across me is saying, "It's only food."
There are TOO many wonderful men out there who could and would share your passion for going to Europe, who would stop and look at the same books as you do and say, "Wow, we should go" all because the photographs are amazing.
Life is too short to wait on the person in front of you to change, too many people like you are looking for YOU!
So, I am perfectly content to keep doing what I love and enjoy- one day I'll look up and somewill will be right beside me doing the same thing on his own, and our roads will meet.
It is SO important to me, my soul and spirit, that I couldn't think of reliving the frustrating / depressing event of being somewhere incredibly beautiful and not being able to experience/ share it with that special someone.
Go with your heart...what you know is 'you'...
And Kudos to all those that DID have ment urn around and go....you opened a world up to them!
Wendy
Jan 24th, 2001, 08:31 PM
#31
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There is another positive possibilty. I have been married for 25 years and my husband have travelled to Japan (several times) Bali, Singapore and our first trip to Europe last year with China in the planning for Oct this year. In EVERY ONE of these cases my husband has sat on the couch while I have picked the countries, provinces, towns, hotels, sights to see, rail passes and things to pack. I show him things and he says "that sounds good" and continues with his newspaper. Having said that - he gets up on the morning of the trip, off we go and he always has a fantastic time! With the Europe trip I wasnt confident that he even knew which countries we were going to visit but he assured me he knew (or didnt care) He says I always do interesting things and he doesnt need to know anything "he'll see it when we get there"
Could this be a happy ending for you perhaps? good luck - Gayle
Could this be a happy ending for you perhaps? good luck - Gayle
Jan 25th, 2001, 02:42 AM
#32
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I may not fall off my chair over divine oysters (I'll pass, thank you), but I nearly toppled when I read (several postss up) that suggested compatability test of "papering a small bathroom together." Lordy - if many couples tried that, marriage might go out of vogue within the decade! I know mine (now 35 years) likely never would have happened!
I'm among those who think that being compatible travelling partners is a pretty prime requisite for a happy life together...so do take some kind of trip together, even if you don't hop the pond right off. My spouse is much like Gayle's (just above) - never really takes the initiative on our travels (tho he'll express interest). I do ALL the planning etc, but he joins me in the enjoying. And our many travel experiences/mem'ries are an important part of our overall relationship. Whatever, Shanna- congrats on landing someone who's 'otherwise divine'! I hope it works for you.
I'm among those who think that being compatible travelling partners is a pretty prime requisite for a happy life together...so do take some kind of trip together, even if you don't hop the pond right off. My spouse is much like Gayle's (just above) - never really takes the initiative on our travels (tho he'll express interest). I do ALL the planning etc, but he joins me in the enjoying. And our many travel experiences/mem'ries are an important part of our overall relationship. Whatever, Shanna- congrats on landing someone who's 'otherwise divine'! I hope it works for you.
Jan 25th, 2001, 03:28 AM
#33
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Gayle, Arjay
From your postings, it reads like both of your husbands are lazy-assed guys. I dont mean any offence honestly, it's just the way I see it.
Is it the case that your husbands dont do any of the planning because they know you'll do it for them? I dont think it's necessarily a bad thing that one person does most of the planning but the other has to at least have some sort of input.
Shanna, it's possible - many things are. Don't give up on the guy just yet, he's maybe just overawed about a new strange country. There are worse things in a man than an unwillingness to travel. Much worse.
From your postings, it reads like both of your husbands are lazy-assed guys. I dont mean any offence honestly, it's just the way I see it.
Is it the case that your husbands dont do any of the planning because they know you'll do it for them? I dont think it's necessarily a bad thing that one person does most of the planning but the other has to at least have some sort of input.
Shanna, it's possible - many things are. Don't give up on the guy just yet, he's maybe just overawed about a new strange country. There are worse things in a man than an unwillingness to travel. Much worse.
Jan 25th, 2001, 04:05 AM
#35
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Tony, I think you were a bit harsh. Some people are better trip planners than others. It doesn't mean their husbands are lazy! My husband and I have the same sort of arrangement (and he's not lazy). We both come up with places we'd like to go, then I figure out the logistics and make all the plans. He just doesn't have a mind for details like I do. Besides, I enjoy planning trips and he doesn't. He enjoys traveling but I'm the travel fiend. Works for us!
Jan 25th, 2001, 04:12 AM
#36
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Shanna, I met my husband when he was 34 and he had never been out of the country. That was 5 1/2 years ago and since then, not only have we traveled all over, but we moved to Europe! I definitely recommend taking a trip with him before tying the knot to see how he handles it. Go someplace a little challenging that's not 100% comfortable and easy (I'm not recommending that you intentionally make it difficult!). Hopefully he'll love it!
Jan 25th, 2001, 04:47 AM
#38
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Used to think my husband qualified for Hughes' L.A.G. designation. He left all planning for every trip to me. Then I noticed what happened when he started traveling on his own for business. He let the airline choose his flights and the meeting/conference choose his hotels, and happily lived with the consequences.
It dawned on me that at least 20% of my pleasure in traveling is planning it out pretty carefully -- finding the ideal routing, the best "gems" for lodging (according to fellow Fodorites), etc. There's a certain escapist pleasure in surfing Italian hotel websites in the middle of Jan. for a trip I'll take months from now. And these details are clearly more important to me than to spouse. He'd be happy to fly in cargo and stay at whatever Holiday Inn has room at the last minute.
So we talk over where and when from time to time, and I report my findings and arrangements back to him, just in case there's something he really wouldn't like. But yeah, I do all the work. I can get resentful when the details begin to pile up at the last minute (passport? money? housesitter?) -- but he's a go-with-the-flow person and wouldn't be nearly as upset if everything fell apart as I would be.
Mixed marriage, I guess. Like a lot of people's.
It dawned on me that at least 20% of my pleasure in traveling is planning it out pretty carefully -- finding the ideal routing, the best "gems" for lodging (according to fellow Fodorites), etc. There's a certain escapist pleasure in surfing Italian hotel websites in the middle of Jan. for a trip I'll take months from now. And these details are clearly more important to me than to spouse. He'd be happy to fly in cargo and stay at whatever Holiday Inn has room at the last minute.
So we talk over where and when from time to time, and I report my findings and arrangements back to him, just in case there's something he really wouldn't like. But yeah, I do all the work. I can get resentful when the details begin to pile up at the last minute (passport? money? housesitter?) -- but he's a go-with-the-flow person and wouldn't be nearly as upset if everything fell apart as I would be.
Mixed marriage, I guess. Like a lot of people's.
Jan 25th, 2001, 05:04 AM
#39
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Tony, I also thought your comments were a little judgmental. There are many ways to "do" marriage. One way is for each partner to assume responsibility for areas in which they have more interest and ability. For instance, if one person prefers to do all of the travel planning, and the other prefers to do all of the home maintenance, what's the problem with that arrangement?
Jan 25th, 2001, 05:45 AM
#40
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For some strange reason, I feel the need to defend the guys and gals that do not like to travel overseas. My husband is great but he has not been bitten by the travel bug like I have. I could only afford to travel abroad starting 5 years ago after we had already been married several years. I am working on my 3rd trip to Europe. He said he would only go if I wanted him to not because he wanted to. I do not want to drag someone over just for me.
Shanna - If he is otherwise divine, don't let the love of your life go because he won't travel to Europe. Mine has always taken family vacations in the states to beaches and mountain resorts and I even got him to Maui last year. I would never jeopardize my great marriage because he won't travel. I don't like to fish and hunt but he has never threatened divorce because I won't go along. Go with other family members or friends until he is ready and maybe someday he will want to go with you. I know alot of you will disagree with me but I know there are a lot of great people who just don't like to travel but we should not love them less because of it.
Shanna - If he is otherwise divine, don't let the love of your life go because he won't travel to Europe. Mine has always taken family vacations in the states to beaches and mountain resorts and I even got him to Maui last year. I would never jeopardize my great marriage because he won't travel. I don't like to fish and hunt but he has never threatened divorce because I won't go along. Go with other family members or friends until he is ready and maybe someday he will want to go with you. I know alot of you will disagree with me but I know there are a lot of great people who just don't like to travel but we should not love them less because of it.
