Fellas: help me: Is he just a lying dog?
 

He knows I go to Europe every couple of years. He knows IT MATTERS! Oh, yes, yes, he wants to do that too! But at middle age he has yet to cross the pond. Is he just telling me what I want to hear until I hand over my footloose, carefree ways and tie myself down to him, then he plops on the couch and pops open a beer, saying maybe next year? Or can a middle-aged man be converted to a European travel nut like me? He's otherwise divine. Ladies: any first-hand knowledge?

If you can't do a test run with him to Europe, then try doing a lovely trip somewhere in the country you live in. You should be able to tell a little bit from that experience. Does he like what you like otherwise? Do you have things in common? Is it REAL? If the answer is yes and he passes the short trip test, I'd say, great, keep him!

He won't change just because you want him to.

Why is it that women seem to always want to "convert" men and then lament when it doesn't work. What you see is usually what you get. Does he plop down on the couch now? If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck..... <BR> <BR>P.S. I'm a male.

Yes - it is possible. I just took the 46 year old near-agoraphobic significant other (works at home as a writer - goes for days without talking to anybody but me) to Paris and Venice and HE LOVED IT!! He's already planning next Christmas in Germany. If you really love him, and he really loves you (like you can ever tell) it can be done. Involve him in preparation, let him make decisions etc etc and bring a suitcase full of hope.

Shanna, sometimes all you need is to get them over there once and then the bug will hit them. If not then he must be dead! How could you not love to travel, I just don't get it myself, but know that there are lots of people out there like that! I'm very lucky, my husband loves it as well as my kids, but I know families that have the same problem. Usually what happens is, the wife ends up taking lots of trips with her girlfriends, witch by the way end up being alot of fun and they hardly miss their husbands at all! As long as your guy doesn't make you feel guilty for going without him then I'd say keep him! I realize it's great to have your spouse there with you sharing those unforgetable moments, but if he's a gem forgive him this trait, it really truly is his lose.

Hard to tell. We could never really afford to go, so I had no idea that his protestations of "yes, yes, I want to" were phony. But when he was 50, I managed to drag him over (NO cooperation on his part) and almost killed him going all over so sure was I that I would never get back from his lack of enthusiasm for the planning. Since then I can't keep him away--we went to London in Sept, plan France in March and lots of places in May. You just never know. That said, I'd still try to get to go with you on a Europe trip before I tied myself down. (Or plan to keep going on your own.)

I feel your pain. I love to explore and broaden my horizons and love going to europe. My husband likes travel too, he just has a different definition than I do. He works extremely long hours (as do I) 60+ hours a week in fact and only gets 2 weeks vacation a year. He says for that to weeks he wants to go somewhere and RELAX. We always go somewhere thats not the problem. He would just prefer to go to the carribean (we have been 7 times to 4 different islands) or take a cruise (2 times) For his two weeks he doesn't want to do anything. Laying on the beach relaxing, playing golf, snorkeling for day and dinner and dancing or casino or walk on the beach at night. I know i shouldn't be complaining as we always go to luxury resorts and have a wonderful time but . . . . I love touring and going to museums and attractions etc etc. Obviously he would go to Europe if he could just lie on the beach there, but he knows if he goes with me that we will be on the move!!! <BR> <BR>Heres my solution, i have more vacation time than he does and I take one week a year to travel to europe. I go with a friend, or my sister, or mother or whoever. Granted a week isn't much but that is all we can afford with the two week carribbean luxury vacation each year!

As a man, I'd vote for "lying dog". <BR>If travel is high on your list of requirements for a companion (young, old, or middle aged), my experience has been that, while he might say so, and he might try, if he doesn't have the wanderlust from the get-go, you won't be able to change him. This advice comes from 59 years of watchin' (35 of those years married to the same woman). <BR>Look elswhere. Prioritize - you can compromise on the minor issues, but you should definitely find someone who agrees with you on the major ones. <BR>As for the previous poster's suggestion of a "test run", forget it. Marriage changes all the rules, and the test run becomes ancient, meaningless history. <BR>By the way, my wife and I have always loved traveling, and that's still a highlight of our lives! I can't imagine living with someone who's just not curious. Think about that when you choose.

I have a great husband of 23 years but I have yet convinced him to go to Europe with me. His idea of a vacation is relaxing and not looking in museums. I almost had him talked into going to London but he backed out just before I bought the airline tickets. Just go with friends and have a great time. If that is his only bad point, he is probably worth keeping.

My 2 cents (since you asked) ... If you met a "divine" man, keep him. If it turns out that he doesn't share your love of European travel, go with a girlfriend or relative or by yourself. My fabulous boyfriend's idea of a vacation is to hang by his fingertips off of a sheer cliff or go careening down a 10,000-foot mountain on his bike. That's what he loves to do and I love him just like he is. Me, I'm off to Europe again in May/June (alone for the first time) and both of us are thrilled with our vacation choices. <BR> <BR>However, if you've met a man who plops on the couch and pops open a beer and that is all he does, that isn't divine and you should move on (or travel on?). <BR> <BR>p.s. Whatever you decide, don't "hand over [your] footloose, carefree ways" to anyone. Those are terrific attributes to possess.

Two words: NFL Europe. <BR>

I advocate the "test run" trip to smoke him out. No, it is not a guarantee, and marriage is very different. <BR> <BR>But you'll get to see him under stress and jet lagged. You'll get to see if he's tolerant of the unfamiliar. You'll get to see if he's clingy, whiny or mean to the waiters. You'll get to see if you have compatible tastes in required levels of luxury. You'll get to see if he's a gentleman. It's hard to hide one's true self on a two-week trek in Europe. <BR> <BR>Then follow up with some serious marriage counseling. I'm glad I did.

What you could do is tie something into your vacation that would interest him. My husband is a theater bug (thus the bugswife), I got him to London by purchasing tickets in advance to Oliver & a few other shows that he could not see in NYC. He is also into scuba diving. I booked a trip to Israel. A few days in Jerusalem & Tel Aviv, & then down to Eilat. He dove for a week & I took side trips to Petra & Egypt. He was so happy that he devoted a few of his dive afternoons to snorkeling with me! We are now going to Austria & Nice--& he didn't even ask 'what's in it for me?!' Good luck!

If "your man" does not want to change, you will not exert too much modification influence on him. You can change you; but he is not budging unless the light dawns. You might show him the switch, but he has to do the pulling because he want to. <BR> <BR>I happen to have a terrific traveling companion. She goes where I go and seems to have fun doing it. And, yes, I do ask her where she wants to go and I review with her what I am thinking. Usually the response is "That sounds good." <BR> <BR>On several occasions in Europe we have heard couples bickering to this effect: "Why did you drag me off to this awful place. There is nothing here but museums and people who speak xyx," where xyz is the language of the country and the museums are such minor places as the Musee d'Orsay. I really don't think the trip was much fun for either the bickerer or the bickeree. <BR> <BR>I have a friend, retired psychiatrist, who trots off to England and Scotland with himself or others, but without his spouse. I asked him why once and his response was that she wouldn't take the drugs necessary for him to go with her. <BR>

Good men are really hard to find. Didn't find a really good one until I was past 50. If he is a good man and has the kindness of your best interests at heart and you just don't have the European jaunt thing in common don't let that be the determining factor. Cindy and Heather have given particularly good advice. There is a great test in pre-marriage counseling that includes the couple having to wallpaper a small bathroom together. This is a much better predictor of compatibility for the everyday temperament etc. I'm near Chicago too and Heather has an almost identical situation to mine, although I am probably much older. My guy likes jeeping down 100 foot sand dunes or snow ski racing, taking one of the motor bikes down a country road at 50mph etc. etc. At one time he HATED cities. Finally got him to go to NYC last year and he really loved it. Is enthusiastic about Europe only if there is a mountain involved, but what matters much, much more is the everyday kindness and sensibility. Try to combine one trip with something there that he really likes. Then if he doesn't enhance the trip, do the girl friend or solo thing. As Cindy said, watch how he acts under stress and to those who are in service jobs and what he's like when tired or very hungry. THAT is important. If he doesn't do too well- let him go to make someone else miserable. <BR> <BR>Still not worth giving a good one up because of something that happens every other year. As someone said, what about otherwise, other than travel? So I don't take mine to any more Modern Art Museums and he doesn't expect me to spend all my vacation time on ski vacations. Don't expect change.

Why do some of you think she's trying to change her man? He's the one that says he'll go and then doesn't. Trust me Shanna..don't give up ANYTHING you really want to do because he won't either. Maybe that could be your special time to your self or with a girlfriend.

Shanna, <BR> <BR>It matters, you say. Okay: If he isn't going to change, say 'bye, go to Europe, and find another living room to come home to. Tell him this is the plan -- not an "or else" ultimatum, just a description of how it goes. <BR> <BR>This is for all those bumps who whine about women trying to convert or change someone who is proud and protective of some thick-headedness he seems to cherish. Okay, go ahead and cherish it; and I/we'll do what we cherish. <BR> <BR>I got tired of trying to persuade, sugar-coat, cajole, compromise while he just got more "wellll, I don't knoooowwwwww" and sat on his hands. It was like trying to do CPR on a dead walrus to breathe some enthusiasm into the plan. I finally decided to keep my enthusiasm for my own pleasure and it was bloody-well his loss if he preferred the NFL (without me) to the Seine (with me). <BR> <BR>Frankly, I think he was a little fearful of a New Thing and it was all he needed to get off the pot when I arrived at the no-nonsense pronouncement that I wasn't going to travel alone and then come back and try to tell him how wonderful it was and how much he would have liked it. Too stupid. <BR> <BR>Good luck Shanne. If you let him warm the couch, he'd better be more than divine in absolutely every other respect that means anything to you at all. Never met a man yet who was, though....

PS: In case it wasn't clear, he went on the trip. Is now a travelin' fool.

I have the greatest husband in the world, we've been married 36 years, but he just is not a traveler. He tries sometimes but he does not enjoy it and then I don't enjoy it. <BR> <BR>So, we have a saying, traveling w/hubby is twice the money and half the fun. <BR> <BR>Go with a friend . . .