gruezi

Maybe <i>enjoyed</i> is the wrong word...but I have found these posts to be very heartfelt and interesting. Especially from ferryann and Thin who really shared from the heart.

I think of the lounge post about passionate love and so many of the answers there just didn't seem to be &quot;real&quot; to me - not that I doubt them - just not in mine or anyone I knows experience.

Into each life some rain must fall - and into each relationship too.

ferry - I just think there is no perfect relationship and each one has it's own stuff to negotiate.

Keep communicating with your husband and perhaps look for the family connection you so desire in your friendships. I also have some deep disappointments with the in-laws and my own birth family... Over the years I've tried to create family from my friendships and it really helps.

If you and your husband enjoy travel together, know that this is a special part of your relationship! I love my husband, but he isn't my favorite travel companion. He can be a bit grouchy and tense when away from work and home and his routine! I, on the other hand, have always lived for my vacations. I'm actually a lot more pleasant when I travel. I do a lot of solo travel and it really is an essential part of my happiness. I require the freedom and solitude like some people require breathing.

If you really are often quite a bit down, then do think about counseling and perhaps medication. It sounds like you had a difficult youth and those scars can run deep and last a lifetime...there is so much available to us today to heal these depression causing feelings.

Regarding the religion - I guess I'm a fallen Catholic as well. I find my sense of what I prefer to call &quot;the divine&quot; in good people and in the beauty of nature, art and music. It is a solace in hard or sad times to have a place you can take yourself where you feel some sort of positive spiritual connection to the universe. It doesn't have to have anything at all to do with religion though...

Well, since I am Catholic, I guess I should confess that sometimes I find the fastest way to the divine is through a good piece of chocolate

best wishes,

gruezi

MomDDTravel

Gruezi,

How funny... I too found the thread in the lounge hard to stomach for some reason. It is not that I do not love my spouse. I do - very much - but something about it rang untrue.

My dh was so grouchy last year in Europe - I had to keep telling myself &quot;do not let this spoil this dream for you&quot;...as I had dreamt of Europe since I was a teen. I was to go backpacking across it when I was 18 and got pregnant and married instead (different dh).

I told dh that on our upcoming trip to France in December I am concerned about him being unkind and not enjoying it. We shall see. He is a very routine person and honestly just is not called to Europe in like I am.

I am taking dd alone in the spring of 09 (after we come to see you! LOL)... not solo but perhaps it will be a different kind of a trip.

I resinated with your comment - being alone is like breathing ... that is me.

Bozama - I am so deeply sorry to read of your sons struggles. I pray you have a lovely time with your daughter this summer. Hugs.

Dawn

suze

If I am depressed I can't get it together to travel. The effort is too much.

But I certainly do use foreign travel as a distraction from every-day life and a window into finding some greater adventures.

travelfan1

Oh my...I just found this thread and not only am I able to find superb travel information on this forum but therapy too! Ferryann - thank you for having the courage to post the question. I, too, use trips to give me something to look forward to...and our next trip is a long way off........

I will also admit I have some issues with my personal life and often questioned whether I was using travel to escape reality...which, of course, doesn't work since my flights have always been roundtrip.

Could it be an age thing...the older you get the more you need something to look forward to? Or maybe Jasles is right and we're looking for peace and fulfillment...in fact, he may be right on.

markrosy

It is very difficult to escape this train of thought in the UK. Generally, at best our weather could be described as crap. Generally, crap weather is depressing....... so yes a few Ryanair jaunts a year does wonders for your sanity.

Longer trips for us mean wildlife. You can keep all that non-prescription dope. Try swimming with dolphins or rays in the wilderness.

Had a strange conversation with our Italian hosts at an agriturismo in Tuscany. They holiday in Mallorca because they like .....the change!?!

gruezi

Dawn,

I wondered if you were the same Dawn who cheered me up last night Did you just change your name?

Sounds like we have a few things in common.

My husband is a very good man and dedicated to me and my children, but we are very different. He respects me and supports me and I work on doing the same. Actually, he is very handsome and we have lots of passion for each other if you mean sex, but I'm not always passionately in love with him in the way some on that thread said they are with their SOs. Some days I'm passionately frustrated with him!

He was a real cranky pants in Spain but he doesn't think so! I have learned when I travel with the whole family, stick to a resort with sports, a beach or pool, and bring my books and knitting and something sexy to wear The European city thing works better without the whole family. Thankfully, my oldest daughter has grown into a wonderful travel companion so I feel blessed in that regard. The younger daughter is not quite there yet...

I haven't found discussing his behavior on the trip in advance helps my husband. Sort of gets him mad in fact since he thinks he did enjoy the trip he may have just ruined for me. After 20 years of marriage I have finally decided just do certain types of trips with him except on rare occasions. The key to him is to include lots of exercise (which I hate) and stay in a very nice hotel even if he complains about the price. He thinks he'll be happy anywhere, but he won't. Pick one spot and don't move around much and never, never, never get him in a rental car driving around a new locale...big mistake!

Okay Dawn, I don't want to steal ferry's thread but you are fun to talk to!

gruezi

FainaAgain

FerryAnn, do you have any friends? Can you go on a trip with them while your husband is visiting his relatives, or join a tour group?

StCirq

Hi, ferryann:

There's lots in your post I can relate to, though I've never been depressed. I sure used travel as an escape, though, and I did find that perfect little village in France as an antidote to various stresses.

At some point, though, I had to deal with what was REALLY the problem, and you may have to, too. Let's just say that for me, nothing was more difficult than facing my demons and taking the actions necessary to get rid of them, and nothing has EVER been so rewarding.

There's a lot of pain and sorrow in your post. You should take care of that and get some help beyond patching things up for awhile through travel (though that's good, too). If there is one thing I have learned it's that life really is too short, and you DESERVE to be happy in it.

karens

&lt;&lt;After 20 years of marriage I have finally decided just do certain types of trips with him

We do that. My husband and I are very compatable on domestic trips - we both like exploring cities and love to hike, mountain bike, etc. National parks, etc. work perfect for us. (But...hiking bores the kids, so we have to take that into consideration on family trips).

We're not as compatible in Europe b/c I love art museums and I could spend hours there, while after about 10 mins. he's asking when we can leave. I realize it's not fair to expect him to enjoy tagging along with me - just as I wouldn't be happy accompanying him to things I'm not interested in. So I've been on two solo trips to Europe and in about a year, am planning on my 3rd. In the meantime, though, we have put together 2 European family itineraries where we all have something we look forward to - and we split up, too.

I'm not depressed, but travel can make me seem bi-polar. I'm really not as high strung as I can appear when doing some travel-related things.

My M.O. is that I love love love planning trips. Then one week before I start worrying - what if something happens to the house; will the Dog be OK at the kennel; what if our plane is delayed. I also am now used to sleeping in a quiet bedroom after moving to the 'burbs, so sometimes noisy hotel rooms aggravate me. (I'm the one asking the clerk: can I have a quiet room, away from the ice machine and elevator, etc. I know I sound pathetic and high-maintenance). And - if I'm traveling without my kids, that ups the worry quotient considerably.

Then add the weird thing that the house MUST be clean before we leave (even though it isn't often clean while we're actually LIVING here).

Once I get on the plane, I stop worrying about almost everything. Then when I get home, I get depressed b/c my regular life seems so boring.

We went through a stressful time with my young son a few years ago and people ask me how I got through it and I always say: my gym membership and my husband's FF miles! When I am away I rarely worry about anything at home, and that is great. And even though making everyone in the family happy can be challenging, I love the togetherness we have during a family vacation.

&lt;&lt;&quot;why do we get all this life if we are not going to use it?&quot;

Great quote.

Best wishes to all of you. This life thing isn't so easy all the time.

Iowa_Redhead

I look at travel as less of a depression relief, and more as a reward. If I can just get through this last term of school without beating my head against the wall, I get to go to Europe.

Travel gives you something to look forward to and something fun to plan. Instead of planning your weekend around chores, errands and trying to sleep in for once, you get to plan what you'll do in Italy. Travel gives me a chance to recharge; instead of worrying about classes, work and what the crazy neighbors will pull next, I get to worry about not getting sunburnt. A gallon of sunblock or a trip to somewhere cold and my worries are done.

suze

ferryann~~ If you are truly clinically depressed you should see your doctor. There are things that can help these days. If you mean you are really depressed in between trips, not just a little every-day sad or bored or whatever.

MomDDTravel

Yes Gruezi,

Yes! It is me - Dawn. Actually all that talk about sharing too much made me realize that I should not have my email address as my screenname. When you google my &quot;name&quot; all the Fodors posts come up!

Anyway - we ARE married to the same man... 14 years plus later it is still steamy in the bedroom (or where ever TMI I know!!) So, NO that is not the passionately in love I am speaking of either.

Dh is YOUR dh - he loves any trip that includes the beach, water sports, a good gym and yes, frankly an over priced room that he will complain about the whole time but love every minute of! We both were a tad spoiled when traveling with his company was we were often put in Presidental Suites in lovely resorts in tropical locations.

Funny thing? I was always itching to leave the resort and go and check out the area. We were in Cancun and he was content to hang by the pool and have a drink or two and I was going stir crazy. I went and rented a jeep from the place in the lobby, came back and announced that I was driving out to the ruins for the day and would see him at dinner. He LOL (a little) and said &quot;Who do you think you are- Laura Croft? (Angelina Jolie movie where she is pretty much an action hero LOL) and said you are NOT driving through the jungle in Mexico BY yourself to see some ruins.

We compromised and went to Talum &lt;sp&gt; which was not as far... that is a just a small snap shot of our differences.

I guess I should stop telling him what a grouch he was last time in Europe? He was just so honestly odd - almost like he resented the entire thing. I was in my glory! Museums, ruins, culture... I do believe he thinks I am a tad nutz
:-?
What is funny is he will say - I did too enjoy the trip...but would have been happy to NEVER go back. Did I mention he just said AGAIN...are you sure we cannot just go to Tahiti in December (when we are going to Europe...)

So... I am planning the trip with dd. I have no idea how she will hold up. Truth is her consitution is not that strong. I am hoping by being at the school for 3 weeks in one place she can hang.

In order to get through Amsterdam and Germany I have to move at a decent pace though. We shall see...

I have not dared to tell dh yet that I am toying with staying longer in Europe in Jan. ... I am seriously afraid a blood vessel might burst.

Like your dh, he is loyal, loving, a wonderful provider, a great Dad, supportive in SO many ways - we just disconnect on travel.

And yes, sorry Ferryann - we do not mean to highjack!

Best,
Dawn

cybertraveler

KarenS,
I am so like you! The refrigerator must be clean, laundry all done, desk all cleaned up, everything perfect when I leave, even though it's not that way when I live here!

&lt;&lt;&quot;why do we get all this life if we are not going to use it?&quot;

I agree- Carpe Diem-life is not a dress rehearsal!

Fra_Diavolo

Hell no. Depression is where it's at. The happy people are fools.

caladrius

I haven't traveled much yet, but I'm sure it'd help, getting away from my job and family for a while, if only for a week. Though I'm planning on solo trips in the future, and hoping that it helps me grow up at least a little. If not, well, at least I'd gotten to see something new and enjoy a new experience.

DAX

What a thread ferryann, I feel terrible for you and others who travel due to your unresolvable suffering. I can absolutely empathize with your need to escape as you seem to feel trapped and helpless in your situation.

IMHO, an escape is good as long as the problem is being dealt with at the same time, otherwise the escape will turn into addiction which only further removes the individual from real life.

To be honest with myself, I have been travelling to Europe 4-6 times per year so this thread got me thinking seriously why. Am I depressed? My wife loves to travel as well but not as extreme as I do, so to get my dosage, I also travel with anyone else who's willing and I tend to extend my stay after a work related seminar on my own. That said I can only enjoy travelling for 1 to 2 weeks, it drives me crazy to travel beyond that, because I crave to get back into real life where I can have a more meaningful effect on others and thus regain my more purposeful normal existence.

As wonderful as it is, travelling feels like a floating existence where I just observe, consume, absorb, and inhale everything. I need to exhale back into real life. I get as much exhilaration on my first day back after a trip as the first day I start my vacation. It's like a vacation from the purposeless floating existence. Anyone can relate to this? I think I just enjoy flip floping the environment around me or maybe I'm so depressed and bored that I need to escape from my escape.

lanejohann

i guess it depends on whether your depression is coming from an external or internal source..ive heard of people going away after a break up and when they get back theyre still single and still facing the house alone- trip can often just exacerbate the feelings of aloneness- id be careful what destinations i was picking and avoiding the romantic ones

it's a bit risky to rely on a trip to give you some distraction from a depressed state and hope that it will be the solution because lots of people come back feeling depressed after the trip has ended anyway...often your problems are there waiting for you as you unpack...
i really admire people who take 'that trip' when they have been diagnosed with something terminal - i still think of that lady who had breast cancer (on a european vacation i took once)- she was being so brave and optimistic but was in a lot of discomfort and her husband broke down one time under the strain of keeping up appearances that all would be well...haunts me...
mind you, theres plenty of research to suggest that women, especially, feel great when planning and looking forward to a trip...so there's got to be some merit to it..and it does bring couples together ( as long as theyre in agreeance as to where they want to go etc)
i think everyone needs to have something to look forward to - depressed or otherwise...
somewhere i read that we should all have at least 4 breaks a year...one major one and three weekends away...
sounds reasonable!

tedgale

DAX: Your attitude seems very healthy. The key words in your post are:

&quot;real life where I can have a more meaningful effect on others...&quot;

&quot;travelling feels like a floating existence where I just observe, consume, absorb, and inhale everything...&quot;

Obviously, what matters to you in life is: purpose, meaning, connectedness.

NOT MANY MEN get to your level of maturity:
* They pursue pleasure and sensation rather than happiness.
* Or they pursue power, which is emptier still.

Even fewer men get to the point of recognizing, giving a name to -- and honouring -- the needs you've articulated.

Travel as much or as little as you like. You're doing fine. A little bored and restless perhaps -- but fine.