ucsun

LLindaC,
how were you sure you'd find happiness later on? what if it gets better and you would have missed out on something great? i guess i know i should move on...but my heart wants to betray my brain and stay. it's not easy.

i have been to europe 3 years running...there seems to be a theme. but an RR vacation is a good idea too.

mcnyc, i too was planning to go for my mba...i still will but probably for next year...where are you applying to?

mcnyc

I'm thinking of places along the eastern seaboard, and maybe Stanford or one of the UCs. Don't know yet.

Things will get better for you, really, they will. It just takes time. You have to heal yourself, but don't do anything rash (unless it's applying for an MBA this year ). I can't even imagine what you're going through, but I'm sure you already know that all of us are here for you.

Hm...Europe and RR...Land's End in southwestern England sounds great.

cchottel

My thoughts and hopes that things get better. Do you want peace and quiet to be by yourself or enough activity to be a distraction?

When I really want to unwind, I need to be by myself, I stay in US and rent a remote cabin in the mountains. Preferably with a hot tub. I take lots of books and get lots of sleep.

Though that is my antidote for stress, not heartache. Sometimes it is then better to be distracted. Only you know what is best for you, but whatever it is, I hope you to find it just what is needed.

ekscrunchy

I think the Morocco idea is great. You could stay in a great hotel with a pool in Marrakech and just chill out, take trips into town when and if you feel like it and do some shopping and good eating. Weather would be good most of the year. And you will likely meet up with some interesting people for companionship if you want it. And do some side trips if you have time and energy. Sometimes just planning the trip takes your mind off all the aches. So sorry for your pain.

LLindaC

Ucsun, I thought you had left by the way you worded it, sorry. I'm not Dr Phil here, but people seldom change. I didn't get divorced thinking I would find someone else, I wasn't even looking. Both of us weren't getting married again, ha ha.We did date for three years before marrying. 8 years later, I know what real love and happiness is. My ex claims he has changed, but a leopard doesn't change his spots. Whatever you do, I hope you are happy and find peace.

LoveItaly

jsmith, I know you mean well etc. but a bit of empathy is a good trait to have too. When one has been in love and then finds out that the person they deeply loved has used and betrayed them there is a pain that that cannot be described.

Sometimes, perhaps often, a person who is hurting needs to remove themselves from their "day to day" life and get away for a bit..to recoup and regroup..and than after that they can carry on with their life and have enough energy to volunteer their time for others in need.

I always remember a dear priest who said more than once "if you are in the midst of a violent migrane headache and next to you is a person with a cancerous brain tumor you will feel so bad for them but until your migrane headache goes away there is not much you can do to help them". So true IMO.

ucsun

thanks all.

I guess at this point i know i can't live under these situations and parameters, but i also know i have to obliterate my life...which has already been done for me. knowing i have to hurt myself is tough...staying is worse.

i have no trust left for her, but i do have love...ahhh the pains of to have loved and lost. it's all been so shocking...i guess my emotions span the gamut...i need to have the strenght to just end it. oh i need something for that...good kiwi or granny smith apple should do it.

ira

Dear UC,

Snap out of it, kid.

You're not the first. You won't be the last.

You still have your dog and your pickup truck.

ucsun

ira...missed ya. sounds like a country song.

P_M

Hi again, ucsun. Like many posters, your gender is not obvious by your name. But now that I know you're a man, I second the recommendation for a cruise, and here's why. Years ago when I was single I took a cruise, thinking it would be a "Love Boat" type of experience. (I'm female, BTW) Once on board, I noticed about 25 women for each man. At the ship's disco all the women danced together because there were no men. I still had a fine time and I had no regrets about that cruise, but the odds s/b in your favor.

But if cruising isn't your thing, then anywhere you go s/b theraputic. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you. Here's a hug. ><

Worktowander

ucsun, I know whereof you speak.

It sounds to me as if all this is very fresh news to you. If so, here's some free advice (maybe worth what you paid for it).

Stop,

Think.




Your life will be changing in many vast ways very, very soon. Making large decisions now about what to do and how to act is dangerous to that future and your future image of yourself. So slow everything down. There's no rush to do anything about anything until you adjust somewhat to a new reality.

Breathe.

In the meantime, if a quiet, reflective getaway is what you have in mind, think about Inishmor, one of the Aran Islands and among the more peaceful places on the planet. I hear the Azores hold similar appeal.

If distraction is what you seek, go to the first city on the top of your wish list.

My thoughts are with you.

alya

I don't think it matters where you go - just that you go!

From your post on another thread it appears that you've been married for 6 months, she now has her green card, you feel used and she's distant.

My understanding is that you and she have to remain married for 2 years before her GC is finalized. How used will you feel when she leaves you?

If things are bad now and you feel she doesn't care - How can things get better?????

Personally in your situation I would lie on a beach in the Caribbean and take time to think.

ucsun

i guess my problem is that she is still here with me. i have called her out on everything and now she realizes that i am not interested anymore. and she plays on my emotions to get back together...no limits to how hard she is pressing me. i guess i simply get confused and fall back into the comfortable thought that we are in love rather than i am in love. maybe i am hoping everything i know/heard has all been a misunderstanding and that it is really as good as i thought. i think i am rationalizing everything...i keep going over it in my mind so much that i start to believe myself.

thanks all...i must sound ridiculus for even thinking like i am...but i truly appreciate all your kind words. and it really feels good to know that you are all here.

mcnyc

You're not ridiculous for thinking the way you are. You're going through a very difficult time, and we can't tell you what you need to do, only make suggestions from what you've told us.

I will give you the same advice I gave my friend. You are allowed 3 months to sulk and feel sorry for yourself full time. Have some friends take you out somewhere, they have an awesome way of letting you vent, yet showing you that life is good in the end.

And while you may feel now is probably the worst time to think about your future, perhaps a little GMAT studying will focus your mind on more pleasant thoughts, but only after you've chosen a vacation place. I find that sometimes it's a good distractor for me, but then again, methinks I'm a nerd.

Mean people suck

ucsun

thanks mcnyc...you've been really helpful...everyone has been helpful. the gmat studying will happen once things settle back down...it's the right thing for me to do.

knowing what has to be done and doing it are always two different things. it is getting easier to think about...so maybe time does heal all wounds...it could be worse, but at least i am healthy and alive. and my friends have been talking to me and being supportive as have all of you.

jules4je7

ucsun -- good luck finding your place to find peace. For me after my divorce, it was a week at the Grand Canyon, with a drive up to Monument Valley and an overnight with the Navajo on a horseback riding camping trip.

Just remember, peace isn't found in a vacation, some members of the opposite sex will hurt you, and the more time you waste spinning your wheels on this one, the less time you're spending living life and potentially finding the person you were really meant to be with.

I'd save the R&R vacation and invest in a good shrink to find out why you keep going back if she's really that awful.

When you've figured that out and truly rid yourself of her, then you can go on a vacation where it'll be a vacation, not just a temporary escape.

Jules

ira

Hi UC,

>...my problem is that she is still here with me. <

Yup, that's your problem.

Whatever you do, stay out of her bed. You don't need for her to become pregnant.

Better yet. Move out. File for divorce, give her everything (except alimony) and get on with your life.

Better now than in 15 years.

ucsun

well thanks all...finally had another fight and finally brought myself to tell her i want a divorce. i guess i just have to try to get paperwork in order and not make any mistakes in getting it done.

of course, she now apologizes for everything...but won't admit to anything eventhough i know them to be true...i wish she would do the right thing and just admit it. really sad...but you know what i will learn and move on. it's about being happy...so hopefully i will find the "right one" at some point. i am a hopeless romantic so i am keeping my fingers crossed.

i_am_kane

Hi Uncsun,

I've been hanging around this board for over five years and, yes, I certainly do remember you.

The water/beach vacation sounds like a wonderful suggestion. If you are considering the East Coast, is Cape Cod/Martha's Vineyard an option.

WillTravel

ucsun, I'd say no vacation until the legal stuff is well in hand. At minimum, all finances disentangled, and the two of you living in separate places. But get an attorney as soon as possible and take his/her advice. Good luck!