A Joke
Sep 25th, 2005 | 01:30 PM
#122
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 9,922
Likes: 0
"Does anyone else get that blond jokes are not only racist but sexist?"
- Of course they are, but that's the point, and nobody but the literal-minded takes them seriously. That's the point of a joke, isn't it? My blonde wife enjoys them, but then she appreciates that jokes exist in a kind of parallel universe in which bizarre things unconnected to reality occur.
(What's next? Will we have activists campaigning to ban the Coyote and Roadrunner cartoons because they encourage mistreatment of animals?)
Anyway ... one St Patrick's Day a few years ago a Sydney radio station invited local Irish listeners to get their own back on their tormentors by phoning in any "Australian jokes" they wanted to share. I remember this one in particular:
There's this English guy who's desperate to become Irish - not just an Irish citizen, but Irish to the core. He consults every authority he can find, to no effect, until a friend tells him about an eminent Harley Street brain surgeon who may be able to help. He secures a referral to him at the first opportunity.
The surgeon explains that his desire is not at all unique, and in fact he can perform an operation that will have the desired effect. However, it will involve removal of one quarter of the patient's brain. The guy gives his consent with alacrity. "Whatever it takes, Doctor - I'm so desperate to be Irish, that's a small price to pay", he says with feeling.
A few weeks later the deed is done, and the patient comes out of the anaesthetic in his hospital bed to see a rather glum-faced surgeon seated beside him. With some embarrassment, the surgeon explains that due to an error on the part of one of the junior surgeons assisting, not one quarter but three quarters of his brain has been removed.
The patient is silent for a moment while this sinks in, then slowly exclaims "Fair dinkum?"
This caller won the day's grand prize.
- Of course they are, but that's the point, and nobody but the literal-minded takes them seriously. That's the point of a joke, isn't it? My blonde wife enjoys them, but then she appreciates that jokes exist in a kind of parallel universe in which bizarre things unconnected to reality occur.
(What's next? Will we have activists campaigning to ban the Coyote and Roadrunner cartoons because they encourage mistreatment of animals?)
Anyway ... one St Patrick's Day a few years ago a Sydney radio station invited local Irish listeners to get their own back on their tormentors by phoning in any "Australian jokes" they wanted to share. I remember this one in particular:
There's this English guy who's desperate to become Irish - not just an Irish citizen, but Irish to the core. He consults every authority he can find, to no effect, until a friend tells him about an eminent Harley Street brain surgeon who may be able to help. He secures a referral to him at the first opportunity.
The surgeon explains that his desire is not at all unique, and in fact he can perform an operation that will have the desired effect. However, it will involve removal of one quarter of the patient's brain. The guy gives his consent with alacrity. "Whatever it takes, Doctor - I'm so desperate to be Irish, that's a small price to pay", he says with feeling.
A few weeks later the deed is done, and the patient comes out of the anaesthetic in his hospital bed to see a rather glum-faced surgeon seated beside him. With some embarrassment, the surgeon explains that due to an error on the part of one of the junior surgeons assisting, not one quarter but three quarters of his brain has been removed.
The patient is silent for a moment while this sinks in, then slowly exclaims "Fair dinkum?"
This caller won the day's grand prize.
Sep 25th, 2005 | 03:15 PM
#123
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,177
Likes: 0
Oh my, L84SKY! Indeed, I could have used
a relative as the 'butt' of the joke -
or myself as I am both blonde and female. Luckily, my self-esteem is
healthy enough to allow me to enjoy
blonde jokes (cute one, Neil) - p'haps
'twould be better if you literally
'lightened up'.LOL!
Sep 25th, 2005 | 03:27 PM
#124
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 45,322
Likes: 0
llamalady, For quite awhile I was "blond" several years ago. I was teased with this joke. Q. Do you know why when the blonde opened up the refrigerator she stood there with the door open for an hour staring inside the fridge? A. Because the orange juice carton said concentrate!
Told to me by my neighbors fun 10 year old son. I loved it!!
Told to me by my neighbors fun 10 year old son. I loved it!!
Sep 25th, 2005 | 10:19 PM
#129
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 34,738
Likes: 0
Most jokes are about men anyway!
You know, they start with <i>This guy walks into a bar, or this guy went to the doctor</i>...or how about this one.....
<i>How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.</i>
They are JOKES ! The point is to laugh, not to take it personally.
You know, they start with <i>This guy walks into a bar, or this guy went to the doctor</i>...or how about this one.....
<i>How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.</i>
They are JOKES ! The point is to laugh, not to take it personally.
Sep 25th, 2005 | 10:24 PM
#130
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 9,922
Likes: 0
That reminds me - did you hear the one about the Polish blonde, the rabbi and the Christian Brother who ... no, better not.
Let's pick on someone else for a change and get closer to a European theme, albeit in questionable taste:
Two gendarmes are strolling along the beachfront one summer evening when one stops, points and says "Do you see what I see?" His companion peers across the sand and sees what appears to be a couple making love. They descend upon them and the first gendarme says, "Right, you two - do you want to be charged for committing an act of public indecency? On your way!"
The man gets to his feet and begins to protest bitterly at this infringement on a Frenchman's sacred liberty. Meanwhile the second gendarme has noticed that the woman hasn't moved. He examines her closely, stands and says, "M'sieur, you're in a great deal more trouble than mere public indecency. This woman appears to be deceased!"
The man is gobsmacked. "Dead? Dead, did you say? My God ... I thought she was English!"
Let's pick on someone else for a change and get closer to a European theme, albeit in questionable taste:
Two gendarmes are strolling along the beachfront one summer evening when one stops, points and says "Do you see what I see?" His companion peers across the sand and sees what appears to be a couple making love. They descend upon them and the first gendarme says, "Right, you two - do you want to be charged for committing an act of public indecency? On your way!"
The man gets to his feet and begins to protest bitterly at this infringement on a Frenchman's sacred liberty. Meanwhile the second gendarme has noticed that the woman hasn't moved. He examines her closely, stands and says, "M'sieur, you're in a great deal more trouble than mere public indecency. This woman appears to be deceased!"
The man is gobsmacked. "Dead? Dead, did you say? My God ... I thought she was English!"
Sep 25th, 2005 | 11:28 PM
#132
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 444
Likes: 0
everybody who has posted here has obviously not a clue about forum posting etiquette. This is a forum for posting questions/reports about EUROPE. Please have a look at the following which should guide you
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/posting.php
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/posting.php
Sep 26th, 2005 | 04:17 AM
#134
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 304
Likes: 0
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks and could not come to an agreement. He would settle for any pickup truck, but his wife wanted something small and quick so she could get around town better. Everything that she looked at and liked was out of her price range.
Finally, in frustration, she said, "Look, my birthday is coming up in a few weeks. Surprise me with something that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds of less..."
For her birthday, he bought her a new bathroom scale.
Funeral services are pending.
Finally, in frustration, she said, "Look, my birthday is coming up in a few weeks. Surprise me with something that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds of less..."
For her birthday, he bought her a new bathroom scale.
Funeral services are pending.
Sep 26th, 2005 | 04:49 AM
#135
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,749
Likes: 0
"And Scarlett, when was the last time you heard a blond joke that wasn't about a woman."
Two blonde guys who work for the city were busily working along the sidewalk. Two old men sat on a bench and watched them. One blonde guy would carefully dig a hole while the other watched. Then the second blonde guy would carefully fill in the hole with the dirt. This went on and on, repeating the process about every 10 feet. Finally the old man on the bench couldn't stand it any longer. He went over and asked the guys what they were doing. "Planting trees" was the answer.
"Huh? What trees".
"Well, usually there are three of us, but the third guy is sick today. He's the one who is supposed to put the tree in the hole."
Two blonde guys who work for the city were busily working along the sidewalk. Two old men sat on a bench and watched them. One blonde guy would carefully dig a hole while the other watched. Then the second blonde guy would carefully fill in the hole with the dirt. This went on and on, repeating the process about every 10 feet. Finally the old man on the bench couldn't stand it any longer. He went over and asked the guys what they were doing. "Planting trees" was the answer.
"Huh? What trees".
"Well, usually there are three of us, but the third guy is sick today. He's the one who is supposed to put the tree in the hole."
Sep 26th, 2005 | 06:07 AM
#136
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 2,004
Likes: 0
A blonde guy walks into a bar and sits at the end of the bar. He notices an old bottle and picks it up. Immediately, a genie appears and tells him he can have anyh two wishes granted.
So the guy says "I've always yearned for a glass of beer that would always be full."
His wish is granted and he downs the beer, whereupon it is immdeiately refilled.
The genie says "Sir, you still have a wish left, what'll it be?"
The guy says "Gee, that one worked so well, I'll have another just like it>"
So the guy says "I've always yearned for a glass of beer that would always be full."
His wish is granted and he downs the beer, whereupon it is immdeiately refilled.
The genie says "Sir, you still have a wish left, what'll it be?"
The guy says "Gee, that one worked so well, I'll have another just like it>"
Sep 26th, 2005 | 07:54 AM
#137
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 183
Likes: 0
All my American friends please don't hate me for this one. But it is funny...
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead
the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a tragedy".
" No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a
great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. The President searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet
voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by
a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be a tragedy?"
"Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy,because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't
be an accident either".
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead
the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a tragedy".
" No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a
great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. The President searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet
voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by
a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be a tragedy?"
"Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy,because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't
be an accident either".
Sep 26th, 2005 | 08:08 AM
#139
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 183
Likes: 0
This one is some what travel related - and just to say that I am Irish and can take a joke!
747 bound for Dublin is somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean. Captain comes on the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are experiencing trouble with our number one engine and we will have to shut it down. No need for worry, however I'm afriad that this will add an hour on to our journey".
Journey continues and a 10 minutes later the captain announces "Eh Ladies and Gentlemen I'm afriad that the problem has spread to our number two engine. We will have to shut that one down also. No need to worry though, we have four engines and can fly safely on the remaining two. However this will add a further hour to our journey"
About 10 minutes later the passengers tense up as the Captain is heard nervously on the intercom once more "Ladies and Gentlemen, em... don't know how to break this to you all, but it appears that we have to shut down number three engine. Don't worry though, we can fly safely on just one engine, but we will be a further hour late arriving into Dublin".
At this Seamus turns to his wife and says "Jaysus Mary hope to God nothin' happens to that last engine, or we'll be up here for ever."
747 bound for Dublin is somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean. Captain comes on the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are experiencing trouble with our number one engine and we will have to shut it down. No need for worry, however I'm afriad that this will add an hour on to our journey".
Journey continues and a 10 minutes later the captain announces "Eh Ladies and Gentlemen I'm afriad that the problem has spread to our number two engine. We will have to shut that one down also. No need to worry though, we have four engines and can fly safely on the remaining two. However this will add a further hour to our journey"
About 10 minutes later the passengers tense up as the Captain is heard nervously on the intercom once more "Ladies and Gentlemen, em... don't know how to break this to you all, but it appears that we have to shut down number three engine. Don't worry though, we can fly safely on just one engine, but we will be a further hour late arriving into Dublin".
At this Seamus turns to his wife and says "Jaysus Mary hope to God nothin' happens to that last engine, or we'll be up here for ever."
