Airlines Announce Major Changes
Apr 1st, 2006 | 02:36 AM
#1
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Airlines Announce Major Changes
The U.S. Airlines are announcing major changes.
Northwest Airlines is changing their name. In a recent poll, 99% of those responding knew the airline as Northworst. Said a Northwest (or Northworst) spokesperson, it only makes sense to call the airline what most people know it as. Besides, he said, we will only need to change a few letters.
Many of the foreigners flying on American Airlines International were not aware that earphones were $2 extra and beers were $5 so American Airlines will be placing ATM’s on their 777’s. There will be a service charge of $50 for using the ATM and the maximum withdrawal will be $10. Also, due to an increase in marijuana brownies and Gateraid bottles, American will be announcing on all flights that is against company policy to eat food or drink beverages not served by a flight attendant. The price of the snack pack will be increasing from $4 to $40 and a coke will now be $5.
To reduce costs, U.S. Airways will be making their own video. The video will start with a flight attendant saying, “the captain has not turned off the fasten seatbelt sign, please return to your seat,” followed by the captain saying, “it is illegal to drink alcohol unless served to you by a flight attendant,” followed by the air marshal saying, “Don’t even think about queuing for the toilet or you will be shot.” The video will repeat every 30 seconds for the entire flight. Said a U.S. Airways spokesperson, why pay expensive royalties for Bambi or Directv, when you can make your own entertainment.
If you check the United Airlines web site you will see some great prices. However, these prices do not include the “mandatory seatbelt usage fee.” Said a United Airlines spokesperson, we have fixed the glitch and after the user types in their credit card number, they will be made aware of the $400 “mandatory seatbelt usage fee.”
Delta Airlines, once the high-class airline of the south, will begin charging for alcohol in Business/First. Said a Delta Airlines spokesperson, there is nothing wrong with a Sangria over San Francisco, an Amaretto Sour over Albuquerque, a Fuzzy Navel over Ft. Lauderdale, a Gin and Tonic over the Grand Canyon, a Highball over Houston, a New York Slammer over Penn State and a Pina Colada over Philadelphia, but this business of sip, sip, sip for free in Business/First has got to stop. Drinks will now be $10 and will be served in plastic shot glasses. Featured will be everyone’s favorite wine, “Boones Farm.”
Continental Airlines, the airline that flies all of the single-isle 757’s to Europe is trying to break their own record. Starting next month, the airline plans direct service from Newark to Sydney, Australia, on a 757 aircraft. Said a Continental spokesperson, we helped out the military flying the troops to the Middle East. The military will now help us out by conducting mid-air refueling off the coast of California and the South Pacific. Since jet fuel is very flammable, the “fasten seat belt sign” will be kept on during the entire 24-hour flight. All airline seats will be equipped with their own toilet and drinks will be $5.00. When questioned if people might feel uncomfortable using the toilet when sitting next to a perfect stranger, a Continental spokesperson replied, “Well, there always is Qantas.” Continental will be bringing back the amenity pack in Coach Class. Everyone will receive three squares of toilet paper in an envelope.
After the U.S. airlines changed the luggage rules, it appears that the "Naked City" in France is again becoming a popular destination for Americans. (Afterall, all one needs is a toothbrush) U.S. Airlines will now be checking everyone luggage and charging for each item packed. Coats are $10, jackets are $5, jeans are $5, dress pants $4, boxer underware $3, briefs $2 and thongs are $1. Be sure to arrive at the airport at least two days early as the lines are long due to this change.
And finally, British Airways announced that it would soon be offering non-stop service from London to Kalamazoo, Michigan and Melbourne, Florida. Several U.S. airline executives were seen scratching their head saying, “How can we be expected to compete with an airline that offers free beer and wine in coach.”
And if any of these items have you a little surprised, you may want to check the date this was posted.
Northwest Airlines is changing their name. In a recent poll, 99% of those responding knew the airline as Northworst. Said a Northwest (or Northworst) spokesperson, it only makes sense to call the airline what most people know it as. Besides, he said, we will only need to change a few letters.
Many of the foreigners flying on American Airlines International were not aware that earphones were $2 extra and beers were $5 so American Airlines will be placing ATM’s on their 777’s. There will be a service charge of $50 for using the ATM and the maximum withdrawal will be $10. Also, due to an increase in marijuana brownies and Gateraid bottles, American will be announcing on all flights that is against company policy to eat food or drink beverages not served by a flight attendant. The price of the snack pack will be increasing from $4 to $40 and a coke will now be $5.
To reduce costs, U.S. Airways will be making their own video. The video will start with a flight attendant saying, “the captain has not turned off the fasten seatbelt sign, please return to your seat,” followed by the captain saying, “it is illegal to drink alcohol unless served to you by a flight attendant,” followed by the air marshal saying, “Don’t even think about queuing for the toilet or you will be shot.” The video will repeat every 30 seconds for the entire flight. Said a U.S. Airways spokesperson, why pay expensive royalties for Bambi or Directv, when you can make your own entertainment.
If you check the United Airlines web site you will see some great prices. However, these prices do not include the “mandatory seatbelt usage fee.” Said a United Airlines spokesperson, we have fixed the glitch and after the user types in their credit card number, they will be made aware of the $400 “mandatory seatbelt usage fee.”
Delta Airlines, once the high-class airline of the south, will begin charging for alcohol in Business/First. Said a Delta Airlines spokesperson, there is nothing wrong with a Sangria over San Francisco, an Amaretto Sour over Albuquerque, a Fuzzy Navel over Ft. Lauderdale, a Gin and Tonic over the Grand Canyon, a Highball over Houston, a New York Slammer over Penn State and a Pina Colada over Philadelphia, but this business of sip, sip, sip for free in Business/First has got to stop. Drinks will now be $10 and will be served in plastic shot glasses. Featured will be everyone’s favorite wine, “Boones Farm.”
Continental Airlines, the airline that flies all of the single-isle 757’s to Europe is trying to break their own record. Starting next month, the airline plans direct service from Newark to Sydney, Australia, on a 757 aircraft. Said a Continental spokesperson, we helped out the military flying the troops to the Middle East. The military will now help us out by conducting mid-air refueling off the coast of California and the South Pacific. Since jet fuel is very flammable, the “fasten seat belt sign” will be kept on during the entire 24-hour flight. All airline seats will be equipped with their own toilet and drinks will be $5.00. When questioned if people might feel uncomfortable using the toilet when sitting next to a perfect stranger, a Continental spokesperson replied, “Well, there always is Qantas.” Continental will be bringing back the amenity pack in Coach Class. Everyone will receive three squares of toilet paper in an envelope.
After the U.S. airlines changed the luggage rules, it appears that the "Naked City" in France is again becoming a popular destination for Americans. (Afterall, all one needs is a toothbrush) U.S. Airlines will now be checking everyone luggage and charging for each item packed. Coats are $10, jackets are $5, jeans are $5, dress pants $4, boxer underware $3, briefs $2 and thongs are $1. Be sure to arrive at the airport at least two days early as the lines are long due to this change.
And finally, British Airways announced that it would soon be offering non-stop service from London to Kalamazoo, Michigan and Melbourne, Florida. Several U.S. airline executives were seen scratching their head saying, “How can we be expected to compete with an airline that offers free beer and wine in coach.”
And if any of these items have you a little surprised, you may want to check the date this was posted.
8-)
Apr 6th, 2006 | 02:39 AM
#6
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Joined: Jan 2005
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Glad to hear you liked it, FainaAgain.
I worked a year on that one. Which one was your favorite? I always wondered if Continental was going to serve "beans" on that flight. Oh, I hope not.
I've already got one ready for next year.
I worked a year on that one. Which one was your favorite? I always wondered if Continental was going to serve "beans" on that flight. Oh, I hope not.
I've already got one ready for next year.
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