I firstly must apologise that this idea is a little vague, but I would like some opinions and advise.

Background:
We are due to get married at Simambili in May (spending 4 nights) then go on to spend 5 nights at Rocktail Bay in Kwa Zulu Natal, then off to Phinda for 4 nights. We have been thinking a lot about how to include family and friends in our celebration as none will be in attendance so have decided to host a meal at a restaurant or hotel and possibly a party afterwards.

We will provide the meal and drinks that go with the meal – a bit like a wedding but without the vows! I will ask my closest friends/family for their opinion but will wholly appreciate an unbiased opinion where one will not feel railroaded into agreeing with my idea (i.e. you guys!). I would like to ask our guests to donate money instead of buying us gifts so that we can donate this money to a worthy cause in South Africa.

My questions:
I would like to know if you would expect to buy a gift for a couple if you are not witnessing the actual vows/feel like part of their wedding day. I don’t know what the etiquette is as we don’t know anyone who has ‘eloped’, and although we plan to provide a meal with drinks, would this be enough for one to contribute something? I’m sure a lot of people would be happy to donate to charity, is there anyone out there who would not? I appreciate all comments/views.

If everyone is happy with this arrangement, is it the best idea to open a new account and use a cheque book to donate the money? Will I have tax implications (I am UK) or other obligations that I would need to think about?

How do I find out who I would like to donate the money to? Ask the camps I’m visiting? Do you know of anywhere in SA that accept charitable donations that I could take a look at?

This really is an idea in its infancy and I don’t know how/if it will work out, but we would like to give back something to a country that will host our wedding and give us life-long memories and will appreciate any feedback you give. I will obviously research this more intensively but knowing what valuable information and extensive personal experience that has passed through here I thought it would be a good place to field our initial questions.

Thanks for reading this long post.

mancfi: I am definitely not any kind of etiquette expert so keep that in mind. I was invited to a wedding before that had "In lieu of gift please make a donation to your favorite charity" and it listed 2 of their favorites as further suggestions. I think it would be appropriate for your to put something like that on the invite for your reception "In lieu of gift please consider a donation to ..." and then provide the info for your chosen charity.

Along those lines I don't think you can expect for everyone to make a check to you and then you make the donation and take the tax deduction unless it is a small group of very close friends and family. It is actually easier for you and better for the charity if each party makes their own donation, in this manner more people actually become connected to the charity and hopefully decide its something they want to support over time. This approach also helps with your first issue of what you should expect for attending a meal without the wedding ceremony -- your guests can decide that by choosing how much they wish to donate or to not contribute at all, whatever they think is appropriate. Personally I would make a donation without thinking twice about it.

There are many charitable organziations in South Africa to choose from. Some general areas off the top of my head to consider would include:
1) education -- getting involved with a local school
2) health related with AIDS likely being the biggest issue
3) wildlife conservation
4) economic development within a township community

I would recommend giving a little thought to what issues concern you the most and then have your travel agent check with the lodges before you travel and see what connections or recommendations they have for charities in that area. Doing the research ahead of time may give you the opportunity to visit a school or clinic for example while you are there so you can see first hand what you are working for. In that case you may be able to include a photo in your invite or include it as part of a slideshow or photo album from your trip available at the reception.

Hope that helps -- that is a great itinerary and I wish you well with your wedding trip!

The practice that Pred mentions is becoming quite common: at a funeral I went to recently, a similar suggestion was made to the mourners...please make a donation to such and such a charity instead of giving a floral tribute. A very sensible suggestion, as flowers can be expensive and don't last very long, so they're often a waste of money.

John

I'm certainly Ms. Etiquette, but there are plenty of books on the subject of weddings in the 21st Century to be found in your local book store. There are also websites that specialize in weddings (from soups to nuts).

It's not unusual these days for people to wish wedding gifts in the form of
1) downpayments for a home
2) for the honeymoon

and these subjects are covered in books and on websites, both pro and con. You may want to post this question on such a site (sorry, I can't provide a link to a site), that a Google search can probably find. Maybe even a column in your newspapers... they must have a "Dear.... column"

Wishing to have wedding gifts in the form or go a donation is very admirable, but I'd suggest you have the complete certification that the organization/charity is legitimate and worthy; guests will want to know this isn't a shady request. And, once you've certified the charity, provide this information in the invite to your guests (whether they attend the reception/dinner). I've found that family and friends who would give gifts whether invited or not, or whether they attend a ceremony in your home area or elsewhere, will give a gift.

Cash or checks in lieu of flowers or another toaster, towels, dinnerware, etc. are not at all unusual. People have been donating to charities (as Cancer or Heart societies, local religious institution) for years, as flowers don't have a long shelf-life.

Check out the resources that specialize in out of the ordinary wedding gifts and how to handle.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

A couple of thoughts ...

First, I am getting the idea that you think some of your guests might look at gift-giving as an exchange for the meal and drinks you'll be providing. Don't worry about that; people give wedding gifts because they want to express their happiness for you, not because they feel they owe it as payment for your hospitality.

Second, I know etiquette experts differ on the subject of requesting monetary gifts. If you decide to go ahead, don't be disappointed if some of your guests decline to contribute. Lots of people have special charities of their own, and may prefer to channel all their charitable giving to causes that they are devoted to, rather than one that you've chosen.

I'd second what others have said about choosing the recipient and thoroughly checking out their bona fides.

Best wishes to you both for a beautiful wedding, a lovely post-wedding party, and a long and happy life together! Starting out in Africa is truly wonderful.

Preditorbiologist, Sandi and Celia, your replies are much appreciated and I will obviously be bookmarking this page as the advice is clear and practical and the opinions on ettiqette most useful.

I will take the advice of referring my guests to a charity as opposed to gathering the money myself as it would certainly relieve any pressure all round.

Preditorbiologist, I think it would be a great opportunity to see if we could visit somewhere whilst in Africa and take information back with us to share. I know Phinda have some information on their website but will need to look at it in more depth. I have had a very busy week but am trying to put in as much research as possible into looking for a suitable charity and it's a good job I have plenty of time as there are loads that seam so worthwhile supporting.

Sandi, I am not quite certain what you mean by getting complete certification that the organization/charity is legitimate and worthy. I know charities in the UK have registered numbers, do you mean I should quote this number on the invitation? I would imagine that perhaps there is a body that regulates charities that I could contact for verbal/e-mail confirmation of its validity?

Celia, thankyou for your thoughts, I shall certainly keep them in mind when finding the right words to put on the invitations to ensure that guests don't feel obliged to donate if they are not comfortable doing so.


Thankyou also for the best wishes, it will be our first trip to South Africa and we are so looking forward to it that I almost forget sometimes that it will be our wedding too! Of course any other comments/advice to add are very welcome.

mancfi -

First, forgive me for the typos in my last post. I really should proof. But you seemed to have understood in spite of this. Thanks.

As in the UK and here in the States, reputable and responsible organizations/charities that collect money report to some overseeing body. Whether they receive certified numbers, I can't say, but when searching out a charity, those who donate like to know, as example, how much of their money goes to the charity vs to administration.

Even with this, we can all atest to news bulletins of funds wasted that never find their way into the hands of the people who need them. Here in the States, there were issues galore about contributions made to the 9/11 Funds, Katrina, even the Tsunami.

You get the picture. So, I'm sure there is a governing body in South Africa that validates charities within their borders. It might take some research, but you should inquire of any charity or organization that they provide you with a contact for verification.

Whether people donate a few dollars (any currency for that matter) or hundreds/thousands, they want to know it gets where it's supposed to.

Keep us posted on what you decide. And, congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

Thanks Sandi for taking the time to reply again. I will certainly keep everyone posted as a thankyou for your kind advice.

Hallo mancfi
I was the G manager of Simbambili for a couple of years and know that they have a vegetable project sponsored in the neigbouring villages. Unemployment in this area is as high as 60% and the project currently employs many people educating and training them in agricultural and business skills. This in turn goes a long way in alleviating poverty as the project sells their fresh produce to the surrounding lodges. You can find out more by contacting Simbambili directly if you would like. You could not have asked for a better wedding venue than Sim and can be guaranteed that the staff will exceed your every expectation Congrats

Thanks for the info Jaco, it sounds like a great, worthwhile project they have at Simbambili. I have looked at their website but none of the links work for me. I will e-mail them nearer the time for further info and to perhaps see if we could spend some time seeing how the project works. Simbambili does look wonderful - what a fantastic place for you to have worked!