Hello, and welcome to the column where I advise you whether or not to go somewhere.
Should you go here? Glad you asked. I’ll dig deep, and ask questions like: What is this place? What is happening here? Do I like this? Will YOU like this? Should anyone go to this place? Should this place cease to exist??? Let’s find out.
Where is this?
What is this?
Oh boy. This is the World Championships of Santa Clauses (or “ClauWau”) and it is an annual event signifying the opening of the ski season at the Samnaun ski resort in Switzerland.
What is happening here?
So glad you asked. It’s 32 teams comprised of a bunch of people dressed up like Santa Claus competing with each other to be the best Santa Claus, by doing things Santa Claus has never actually done in anything ever. They do things that test their physical endurance (because everyone knows Santa is a known regular Olympian), snow abilities (??), and other “Santa skills,” such as climbing up things (???), racing each other on little sleds (???????), and driving snowmobiles two at a time (???????????????????????). You know–all of the things Santa is known for doing.
I’m sorry… What?
It’s a bunch of Santa Clauses competing against each other for 6 hours at a ski resort.
What in the heck is this, dude.
IT’S THE BEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
(Sigh) Go on, I guess.
GLADLY. It starts on Friday, November 24, where the Father Christmases take part in training sessions. Then there’s a party. On Saturday morning, they meet and take a group photo, followed by brunch. Then it’s the competitions, baby, and they last 6 whole hours.
I can’t believe I’m asking this but… what happens in the Santa Claus contest?
This year, there are 5 events. First, the Santas decorate a Christmas tree. Then, all four Santas Clauses on a team climb up a fireplace one right after the other (just like what happens on actual Christmas, when Santa comes to your home and climbs up your chimney like a weird criminal, and then three other Santas arrive to follow after him). Then there is a relay obstacle course using “winter sports equipment” and everybody slides around everywhere (again, like Santa does). AND THEN, all the Clauses ride a mechanical rodeo reindeer and try not to fall off of it (??), and finally, drive snowmobiles while trying to catch a gift with a fishing net (????).
I… I have no idea!!!! Isn’t it wonderful?
That makes absolutely no sense. Why would a gift be moving, and why would Santa need to catch it with a fishing net?
I don’t know, dude! Maybe it’s windy! I don’t know! I love this!
“The World Championships of Santa Clauses combines my two favorite things: saving money and hundreds of Santa Clauses in one place.”
Why would someone go to this?
Uh, well, this answer seems pretty obvious, I don’t know, maybe because it is the greatest thing ever in the world? Why wouldn’t you want to watch an actual stampede of Santa Clauses clamoring after each other, sometimes while riding snowmobiles or climbing up a wall, one right after the other? There are 128 of them, and they are jazzed the heck up. Personally, I can’t think of anything more worth going to. Also, it’s free admission, which is a deal. The World Championships of Santa Clauses combines my two favorite things: saving money and hundreds of Santa Clauses in one place.
So… I guess it’s safe to say that you would go here.
You bet I would.
Would you compete in this?
To be honest, maybe. However, disclaimer: I have absolutely no depth perception and very small arms, so my team would have to be cool with one of their teammates not being able to see and being moderately weak. Also, I can’t climb. Also, I don’t know how to walk on snow.
INSIDER TIPKnow how to walk on snow if you are going to compete in the World Championships of Santa Clauses.
What would you add to the team?
A whole lot of heart, baby. I also was awarded third place in the high jump during Field Day in the 5th grade.
That… literally does not mean anything.
That is your opinion.
Why do people compete in this?
You mean other than to celebrate the holiday season, and have some good, clean fun?
You can win money.
Makes sense now.
Yeah, it’s a lot of money. Like, $2,000.
Any last thoughts?
Call me if you need a teammate, and don’t care if they’re terrible at physical activities.
So… should you go here?
I would highly recommend attending the World Championship of Santa Clauses, yes.