To my fellow Fodorites:

I’ve been reading these boards for years, and after careful planning I recently took the trip of a lifetime.

First of all I want to apologize for putting this post on more than one board before doing a search, but I think you will agree my experiences are universal.

This being a special trip, we decided to splurge on the Sandals in Jamaica. I’ve always wanted to go to Jamaica. The Sandals brochures were dazzling and I really wanted an all-inclusive. I didn’t want to try to figure out the currency exchange all the time and I didn’t know how much money to bring. $300? $500? Traveler’s checks? Would my ATM work? Who knows. The other reason I picked Sandals Jamaica is I heard it’s possible to swim with dolphins there.

Finally it was time to leave. When we got to the gate I decided to follow some of the tips from you kind people and try for an upgrade, so I told the gate attendant it was my birthday. Didn’t work. I settled into my seat and took out one of my favorite men’s magazines, but then some enormously fat man sat down next to me and lifted up his armrest! His hot girth spilled over onto me. I leaned over and told the man that not only is his weight unhealthy, but it’s costing American taxpayers a fortune to subsidize. When he saw the pack of cigarettes in my pocket he became enraged and claimed it was ME who was running up the healthcare costs. The nerve.

I asked the flight attendant to move and he graciously (maybe a little too graciously, if you get my drift) escorted me to another seat ... next to a young mother with a two year old and an infant ... and she was breastfeeding both of them! How rude. Couldn’t she go to the bathroom to do that? And why bring children on a flight or to restaurants anyway? She was probably planning to drop them off at the daycare center for the next week, so what did she care.

Before leaving I did some clothes shopping. Based on my reading of posts by New Yorkers and others, I settled on a new black shirt and a black pair of slacks. I had also read that comfort is important, so I bought a new pair of white tennis shoes. We arrived at the resort and headed straight for lunch. Man I was sweating. We were seated next to a French couple who immediately knew we were Americans. The man was drinking a lot of wine and chain-smoking and soon started complaining that the spread of American culture is vile. I tried telling him that if it weren’t for the US saving his ass during WWII he would be living like a poor East German. I decided not to listen to him anymore and took out the salami I had brought for my pet monkey and started eating it.

I went to my room for a nap and wasn’t sure whether or not I should lock the door. Finally I decided I would lock the front door but leave the balcony door open. Even though Sandals is an all-inclusive, I had requested a refrigerator in my room to keep some beers. I figured it was easier than going over to the bar, and if I had any extra I would bring them with me on the flight home. Stashing brew in your room is a tip I hadn’t read about on Fodor’s but let me tell you, it works. Plus I figured these bartenders get enough tips from tourists for just handing them beers and premade drinks so I could save some money there too.

After my nap I decided to take my pet monkey for walk, but it was getting dark and I was worried about crime against tourists.

Things weren’t going well. I began to have doubts about travel and the Fodor’s travel boards ....

Funny, Jim.

Ya shoulda gawn to Herwhyee.

Jamaica?
Shoulda gone to Branson, Jimbo.
You missed out.
There or Gatlinburg TN.
You can sweat all ya wants and fit right in.

This is hilarious. Thanks Jim.

Well, did you go off property to the most expensive restaurant in Jamaica? And order the best steak & bottle of wine on the menu? I bet there were little kids there who ruined your evening out, weren't there?

Jim, why'd you have to go and mention M*NKEYS????? That was the kiss of death for what *could have been* a wonderful thread. Sheesh - haven't we taught you anything?

Thanks for your feedback. I clearly made some mistakes, as noted about the wine. Someone else pointed out that if the m-nkey was in my room he would have drank all the beer!