'Thangs to Do in Las Vegas

Old Jul 10th, 2001, 07:42 AM
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'Thangs to Do in Las Vegas

Vegas doesn't need any more rednecks.
Old Jul 10th, 2001, 08:16 AM
Dr. Bitterpants
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Dr. Bitterpants’ Thirty ‘Thangs to Do in Las Vegas - Part I

1) Shake hands and introduce yourself to each and every person who is handing out flyers for certain adult-only shows. You may wish to divulge your hotel room number ONLY to these people.

2) If a person on the sidewalk asks you where you are from, tell 'em, "Why, I'm from Smallville, Kansas! My name is Kent, Clark Kent!"

3) If a person asks if you are interested in a timeshare, hug 'em and say "Bless you, guv'nor! A roof o'er my head is what this lass needs!"

4) Walk through the casinos yelling "Mom? MO-OO-OM!?! The rent is due TODAY, Mom!"

5) Tip anybody you make eye contact with.

6) Walk through Caesers' Palace and point to the faux marble. Is it better quality than your formica countertop?

7) View the volcano at Mirage and proclaim in a loud voice "Now I don't need to see that overrated Hawaii!"

8) Ask where you can get tickets -- better yet -- ask who you can pay to see the Pirate Battle. I'm sure you'll find someone willing to sell you a ticket.

9) See how "sneeze proof" those sneeze guards really are at the buffets.

10) Go see Sigfried and Roy and after each illusion yell: -- "Hey, how did they DO that!" or -- "What did I miss?" or -- "Fake! Fake!!" -- "They really ARE the spawns of Satan!"
Old Jul 10th, 2001, 08:18 AM
Dr. Bitterpants
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Dr. Bitterpants’ Thirty ‘Thangs to Do in Las Vegas - Part II

11) Ask each casino manager, pit boss, and cocktail waitress "Pardon me, I forgot, but which mob owns this casino again?"

12) Go to Sigfried and Roy's Magic Garden. When the crowd around the white lions is large enough, walk towards the workers entrance with cans of white paint, act like you forgot your keys, and walk away.

13) Go to New York, New York casino and act like a rude and obnoxious New Yorker. People will think you are an act and part of the "experience."

14) At the Hilton's Star Trek Experience, tell fellow people standing in line that "Yeah, I'm still living in my parents basement, too." Point out a tribble in the museum and say "Look, William Shatner's toupee!" Finally, go up to the actor dressed as a Klingon and ask him if his phaser is set on "Stud."

15) At the Bellagio, pretend to pick up your RV at valet parking. Offer them an Eggo waffle in lieu of a tip.

16) Go to M&M World to match colors to the next wave of IMacs.

17) At the Liberace Museum, fake ignorance that the man wasn't straight.

18) Walk down the Strip shouting "But it's a DRY heat!"

19) Ask a showgirl if they get to close to the stagelights, do they need reconstructive surgery? (Or insert your own plastic implant joke here)

20) Pretend to count the lightbulbs at the Stardust Casino at night. When management asks what you're doing, exclaim "Dammit! Now I have to start over!"
Old Jul 10th, 2001, 08:19 AM
Dr. Bitterpants
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Dr. Bitterpants’ Thirty ‘Thangs to Do in Las Vegas - Part III

21) Ask Master Magician Lance Burton if he can pull a rabbit out of his pants.

22) Ask Wayne Newton if he recalls Central Park in fall, and give him the receipt for hemming your skirt. Also, to autograph your basketball, so you can Dunk'a Shey, Darlin'.

23) Take a fishing pole and start trolling in those wonderful fountains at Bellegio or Caeser's. Legend has it that Ol' Muddy the catfish is still around.

24) Tell people that the movie "Showgirls" was your inspiration to vacation here. That Naomi was quite a roll model.

25) Take a helicopter tour of the deserts. Bring along a shovel and ask the pilot to point out where all the cool mob informants are buried.

26) Walk up to every stranger on the street and ask "How in god's name did Sharon Stone EVER get nominated for an Academy Award?" (tip: Scorsese's "Casino")

27) Pretend to read the hieroglyphics anywhere in and around the Luxor. Appear offended and claim they are using profanity and racial slurs.

28) At any hotel you check into, ask for a smokey-smelling room with stained carpet, broken beds, clogged bathtub and view of construction sight or garbage area. Chances are, they'll mess up your request and you'll be disappointed with your jacuzzi suite and comped room service.

29) Walk through the Fremont Street experience and just look at the ground. Make people think there missing the really cool part of the shows.

30) Point out to everybody that Elvis impersonators are really imposters. Really.
Old Jan 10th, 2002, 12:39 PM
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Topping to show that there used to be humor (and a funny humorist) on this board.

And in case you missed the deleted post, Dr. Bitterpants is Mr. Killjoy. No wonder he left. NO HUMOR ALLOWED!
Old Jan 10th, 2002, 01:36 PM
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This is great! Too bad humor has been outlawed...
Old Jan 10th, 2002, 02:44 PM
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tip to the top toe tapper
Old Jan 11th, 2002, 06:01 AM
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Old Jun 25th, 2002, 04:13 PM
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Topping for the vegas-files. Please don't delete this one because it is too darn funny!
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