Elena

My 6 year old daughter and I will be visiting San Francisco with my younger sister, who is gay. My sister wants to stay in a hotel with a gay clientele because an old friend of hers manages the place. My ex-hubby doesn't like the idea, and says if we can't stay in a "normal" hotel, our daughter will not be going because of the "characters" she might meet. (Joint custody here!) What do you think? Thanks in advance.

YT

O, gosh, here we go ... the week's big thread. Too bad it didn't surface until Thursday. Okay, I'll take a chance and offer this comment: since you say it's joint custody, you'd better talk with your attorney, bring in the ex's attorney, and get some better goundrules established. Otherwise you'll have this ex involving himself in every decision you make. Something tells me this guy has pushed you around for years and you let him get away with it. Better start standing up or it'll be just like your marriage. I don't mean to be tough on you, but he sounds like a bully, and you nned to stop trying to appease him. Rule one, never appease an abuser. It just causes them to abuse some more. Call your attorney and don't try to handle this guy on your own. Good luck to you.

Jesica

YT...who the hell are you Dr. Laura?

Elena, be a parent! If you can't make this simple dicision on you own, you daughter's doomed anyway.

Buyer

Elena, I hope this isn't some kind of crazy troll post... just a warning you are liable to get a lot of kinda... extreme responses. Frankly if this were me, I'd be more concerned with the safety of the neighborhood that the hotel is in.. for example the "Tenderloin" district in S.F, is known for being gay but has a lot of rough edges and maybe not an optimal place to stay with a child.
If the hotel is decent and in a nice location, then why not.. I seriously doubt your daughter or you will be in danger of being "abducted or corrupted" by hostile gay people. Since I presume your daughter knows your sister, unless you bring up the "gay" thing... I doubt it will even be an issue... as to the ex-husband. You need to talk to an attorney...

me

Why can't people be more humane? She asked a simple opinion, just like thousands of other people do on this site. For God's Sake, just give your response, don't criticize. I'm sure none of us are better or worse parents for right or wrong decisions we make.

I say follow your heart.

YT

Jesica, stop and think for a moment: could it be that Elena is giving us just the surface stuff? And if I'm well off the mark, presumably Elena will tell me so. In the meantime, why not consider that Elena could be a bit troubled if she is coming to Fodors for advice ... possibly she may not have anyone aroud her to help her. We've had the same issues in our family, so perhaps I do know a thing or two. Go back and look at my advice ... I suggested she get help to deal with someone who obviously has some control over what she does ... she tells us as much. Sorry if my advice to Elena upsets you, but I was urging her to get legal help right now and get this solved. Tell me it's a stretch to believe this is an old pattern from their marriage years. Just trying to be of assistance. Sorry it makes you hot.

Bitter

Oh, this is easy.

Tell the Ex that not only are you staying at the lesbian hotel, your daughter will be bunking in the queen bed between the two women so you can have some privacy in your own room. Then sit back and watch the fun!

Oaktown Traveler

Elena:

It's not Monday but here goes...

1)Tell younger sister what your "ex"
has to say. See if she is fixed with the suggested hotel.

2) If the issue is $$$ ask your "ex" how much he wants to pitch in for a "normal" hotel. Do your research on prices first. I am DYING to know what "normal" hotel names you come up with. Post those names for other travelers who also wish to stay at "normal" hotels in SF. Would "normal" hotels have only "normal" people owning, investing and working at them?

Suggestion: Do not have that part of the discussion with your "ex".

3) I hope your DD(darling daughter) isn't privy to this type of bigotry.

Finally: Have a great time in SF. You are a wonderful Big Sister. If things escalate I am sure little Sister will do what is best for peace for her niece.

Happy Travels
Oaktown

janis

First - your ex needs to understand there will be gays in any hotel you choose -- and a few straights in the "gay" hotel. Yes - there are specific gay areas and businesses in SF - but the city is "integrated" so "they" will be everywhere.

Now for the practicalities - Your ex does sound controlling but if he has true joint custody he probably does have some say. So you need to decide which battles are worth fighting. I could see a worst case scenario in which he convinces a family court judge that you are taking your daughter into an unacceptable situation. It isn't, but if a judge says so you could lose. It is well and good for all these folks to tell you to stand up to him - but the ultimate peril is you losing to him.
You need legal advice -- not travel advice.

John

YT I have to say I think you're off base here. I'm a caring and concerned father and would not be interested in having my 6 year old staying in the parts of SF which typically have 'primarily gay' hotels.
This has nothing to do with bigotry or a desire to control anything other than her safety. The densely gay areas of SF are not generally too safe.
I think you're leaping to way too many conclusions based on the info given. You could be correct, of course. But don't decry dad's motives just based on the info given. He could be a very well meaning guy.

Pam

Elena,

Where is this hotel located? What's the name. If you give the address/name of hotel -- the more serious posters can tell you if it is a dicey area of SF.

donna

John, since you opened this book, what I want to know is if you have the statistics to back up your statement that the gay areas of San Francisco are generally unsafe, or is that based on some type of bigotry? I have been to San Franciisco several times and have stayed in several areas. Among them, I stayed at Fishermans Wharf, which had housing projects across the street. I stayed downtown near Union Square in a luxery type hotel that if you walked out the front door and turned left you were just a block away from Union Square, yet if you turned in a couple of other directions the neighborhoods were definetly questionable if not really undesireable. Yet I have been in the Castro, the biggest of the gay neighborhoods, and have never encountered anything unsafe. It's a very nice neighborhood. So is it the statistics that show that these areas are unsafe, or just the fact that a lot of gays live there?

Amanda

Elena,
What are your ideals for your daughter? 6 year olds are impressionable. Thier are several reasons why you may not wish to stay at this hotel.
1) The tension between yourself and your ex over the decision, tension that may be picked up on by your daughter (Q. Is it worth the tension?)

2) A belief by yourself or your spouse that the gay lifestyle is one that you may accept, but that you DO NOT HAVE TO teach your child is appropriate.

nota

A gay lifestyle isn't something that you should teach your child is appropriate? It will certainly be appropriate if it turns out, when this child grows up, that she is gay. Under those circumstances, any other lifestyle would definitely be inappropriate.

Jackie

reminds me of a SF hotel joke:

a neighbor asks if the paperboy has come yet and the other neighbor responds "no but he's breathin hard"

John

Oh give me a break, Donna.
You know exactly what I mean, and just to satisfy your need for 'data' I went to the crime and safety data site for the city and found a firearms violence map (not the only type of violence I'm referring to, but it's representative). Where is the biggest concentration of this type of violence? Tenderloin district and Mission (especially west toward Castro). These are the two worst areas.
What's the point? If you're visiting SF to do touristy things and you stay in the most predominantly gay areas these are either more dangerous than other areas, immediately adjacent to the worst areas, or separated from the main tourist areas by the worst areas.
You choose to read INTENT into my statements because you WANT to read that I'm drawing a connection between the gay demographic and the violence, implying that the relationship is causal.
Give it a rest. I said no such thing, and I will not let you twist things to suit your bleeding heart needs.

Gene

So it would be 'inappropriate' to discourage whatever natural tendencies my child exhibits, "notamatterofchoice"?
If she's prone to laziness, drug use, kleptomania her tendencies must be supported?
How about if she wants to join a cult like the Heaven's Gate or Branch Davidians?

Robin

Elena--

The hotel manager isn't named Anne, is she? If so, then HER straight sister and I visited her hotel and her home, although we didn't stay at eithre place, and they were lovely. Ignoring all of the political discussion here, I think Janis said it best: San Francisco is full of gays and straights, and they don't stay in neat litte packages. Your daughter will will undoubtably see something your ex wishes she hadn't--it happens in the big city! I hope everybody relaxes and has a nice trip!

Get

Wake up all you morons.
This is a troll post.
Elena is yanking your chains.
Interesting 'in your face' e-mail address for a posting about controversial gay issues "GreeksRus"

knockitoff

Its perfectly safe to stay at the Gay Hotel... just don't go in the Back Door!