joesorce

Since they have a tiny apartment right now, maybe they have no room for standard wedding gifts? We actually got a wedding invitation once where we were directed to the "gift registry" that was some sort of online site they had created (computer whizzes)....the gifts were actually all helping to pay for the wedding and honeymoon. We clicked on a picture of a hotel, donated $100 or something, and got back this little thank you thing because we had paid for a night of their honeymoon as their wedding gift. Or you could click on a photo of a steak to buy them a dinner etc.
If they think outside the box, with 100 guests, maybe they could figure out a way to pay for a nice wedding. In lieu of a regular wedding gift, an aunt could pay for one tier of the wedding cake....whatever.

Cyanna

I continue to be amazed and grateful to everyone - and Gretchen your apology was gracious. My point was, indeed, that they have no choice of any location that wouldn't involve travel for almost everyone, and they're trying to minimize the expense while still getting the dogs/booze/budget equation right.

And there are so many great suggestions here - THANK you all again. I'm going to track down all of them and see where things go.

If there are more, they will be very welcome.

In any case, I promise to let you know how this plays out.

yk

My next suggestion isn't going to be too helpful - BUT, 2 summers ago, we were invited to a wedding PRE-ception at a barn in NH, by one of DH's colleagues. Neither DH nor I could remember the name or location of the barn, unfortunately. They rented out the barn, the house building (which has a full size kitchen, sitting rooms, and several bedrooms for the wedding party to stay over night), and lots of open grounds.

It wasn't the actual wedding, as the couple was getting married elsewhere, but they wanted to invite local friends and family to this celebration, knowing that many would not be traveling to their actual wedding location.

It was also a pot-luck party.

Anyway, I bet if you go on google search, you should be able to find some barns that offer this, and I assume it's a lot more affordable than many historic homes.

portiaperu

I said I wouldn't post again, BUT I'm reading WSJ online and found an article discussing sleep-away camps as wedding venues, everything you need in one place in the beautiful outdoors.

See: http://tiny.cc/qvgcr

Since it's WSJ the article focuses on high end weddings and locations, but there are hundreds of summer camps in NE, and they are pretty much unused for the majority of the year.

It might be a great deal of research, identifying camps and contacting them, but I think it's worth considering.

Cyanna

Where things stand now:

They are planning a tiny gathering (just parents?), with dogs in a dog park, to exchange their version of vows and rings. The next day they plan to have the big party, without the dogs, but still on an extremely slim budget and a preference for casual.

They promise me that they'll treat the party/reception in a way that will seem still to be wedding-ish -- i.e., there will be speeches and toasts and, theoretically, no one need know they're already married -- and I hope that's so, but when no vows are exchanged publically, I know there will be questions. (But what can ya do?)

SO, I'm about to go BACK and look at everyone's suggestions and see what fits the bill for the party/reception. Grateful for all the homework you have all done. Stay tuned.

joesorce

Late spring you say? Be very careful about site selection in Late spring/early summer. Over memorial day we attended an event near Concord mass and people were eaten alive by mosquitoes.

mztery

I think their idea is lovely.
I have no personal experience but i know my sister in laws family often rents beach houses in Newport or Narragansett RI for BIG family reunions and it's been very reasonable, if oyu still need suggestions for rentals.

portiaperu

Sounds like there are decisions happening - good!

Perhaps a video of the vows could be made to share with the guests at the reception? It could include an acknowledgment of the reception guests or some words to them from the newly married couple. This might sooth hurt feelings and guests wouldn't feel left out of the ceremony.

Keep us posted, please.

travelgirl2

Cyanna - you've certainly gotten a lot of ideas here!

It must be interesting to watch your child plan their wedding, trying to let them do it themselves but wanting to provide the benefit of your experience. It sounds like the kids have a nice realistic plan, but I don't understand the part about no one needing to know they're already married? Wouldn't everyone have to know that they were already married if they are hosting a de-facto 'reception'? Why wouldn't it be okay if everyone knows they were already married?

Congratulations on this wonderful event!

Cyanna

travelgirl2, see portiaperu's post just before yours and you'll get what I'm afraid of. I've actually warned them that if people think they're NOT going to see the actual wedding event and are just going to be invited to a big-old party, they might not think it's worth the trip -- and most are coming from a distance. They may even be hurt if they feel excluded from "the main event."

The two of them argue that what they promise each other is "their own" business, so to speak, and that they are just not the kind of people to do something like that in public. So - as good an idea as the video is - I'm not sure they'd go along.

I have to respect what a 30-yr.-old and a 21-yr.-old choose to do on such an occasion, but I don't think they truly "get" how many will react - possibly a sense of exclusion or being "B list," possibly being deprived of the main reason for traveling to the party (and possibly giving gifts, although that really doesn't make any difference to the couple).

It is interesting, and at least I can offer what they know is some experience event-planning (and all the GREAT Fodorite help I have as a resource THANKYEW again!).

Just crossing my fingers they don't trip over their feet along the way -- it's an almighty balancing act, and I give them HUGE credit for not just saying "it's only and all about us, and the rest of you can just take a flying leap." Hoping to keep it that way.

portiaperu

From what you've just written it appears the couple may not understand how celebrating a wedding works. Guests generally expect to witness a ceremony, after all the couple should understand that's the point of inviting people to celebrate your wedding.

If they wish to have a private ceremony they might wait to have a reception until they have announced the wedding and given their guests the opportunity to accept or decline an invitation to a reception acknowledging their marriage. Sharing a video of the ceremony might ameliorate the news that you weren't invited. You know, "that couple has always done their own thing" kind of feeling. People will get over it.

They may be building up to a very awkward event.

Personally, depending on how close I was to the couple, I would be inclined to turn down a party invitation that required me to travel some distance and not witness the ceremony. It's the centerpiece of the event.

I can understand flying off to an exotic location, getting married, returning and having a reception. But getting married within reasonable distance of the reception might invite resentment among the guests.

Or, maybe not . . . . sometimes things work out in the most unexpected ways. And, everyone is happy.

cw

I wouldn't be at all hurt to be invited to the reception and not the ceremony. It's a win/win in my mind. They have their small private exchange of vows and I'm able to celebrate with them.

Now--to be invited to the ceremony and not the reception is a whole different story. I once went to a small home party reception after the private ceremony (although it was right after). It was quite nice, and relaxed. I don't think anyone resented not going to the ceremony. But you know your friends and I don't.

Cyanna

I hope they consider me a friend, but mainly I'm The Mother --and M. of Groom, at that -- so what do I know? Very good to have both comments, from portia (always appreciate your posts here) and cw. Tempted to direct their attention here, but then they'll know where I get my good stuff (and what I've said about them, when it's supposedly no one else's business, right?) Hmmmmm....

mztery

I think some people (maybe the older generation?) may feel insulted to be invited to a reception and not the wedding, while the couple's peers will take it in stride.

I got curious about the issue so I googled some etiquette pages - it is one option we considered many years ago - and it looks like opinions are divided about reception only invitations. Seems like more couples are wanting the wedding itself to be a smaller affair and the reception itself to be for everyone.

Are the people who might be offended friends or relatives? That might make a difference. That was the deciding factor in our decision to not split our wedding and reception - too many extended family members would have had to come from a distance and i know would have been very hurt.


Conversely, the one reception i have been to where we weren't invited to the wedding, was where the wedding WAS a destination wedding and the couple felt it was unreasonable to ask guests to pay all that money since none of them lived int he destination. SO that had a lovely party some weeks later which was VERY much fun and no one minded.
Is the couple willing to do some outreach to people to explain their wishes before invitations go out? That might help.

nelsonian

I think guests going to the reception/party will be extremely hurt if they are not told the party is to celebrate your son's wedding. Why would you even do that? Why not send out the invitations saying there was a private wedding ceremony the previous day, but we would love for you to come and celebrate this joyous occasion at our reception.

As you have said a lot of them may not come if they don't realise it is a wedding celebration. Maybe this is what your son and his fiancee want to happen.

Cyanna

nelsonian - the surprise isn't that it's a wedding reception, the 'surprise' is that there will be no ceremony along with it to which all guests are invited. Invitations will indicate that it's a party/reception to celebrate the marriage.

LittleWing

Just so I understand. They want a ceremony and a party, but are having trouble finding a venue that is dog and booze friendly and cheap. So the dogs attending is more important then family and guests who will be travelling and bearing gifts. And the explaination is 'we got married yesterday so the dogs could be there.'

To each there own. Perhaps they could get married and have a post nuptual celebration a few weeks later so that the guests don't feel like their presence was trumped by the dogs.

clarkgriswold

Women will want to witness the ceremony, men will just want to hit the buffet table and the bar. That's generally how weddings go.

Tell them to do their own thing. If someone is classless enough to be "upset" about how they handle their own wedding, it's probably the same type of person who is going to whine that they only served beer and wine instead of having a full open bar, and that they had bbq grills going instead of full-on catering. In other words, anyone who comes a long distance and expects the perfect Martha Stewart weekend is going to be disappointed no matter WHAT they do, so worry about pleasing THEMSELVES first and let the cards fall where they may. Much better to have THEIR perfect day that they will remember for the rest of their lives and everyone else is going to forget....than to have a day that wasn't what they wanted that everyone else is going to forget anyway.

And if everyone invited sees that the happy couple is all smiles, truly....all else will fall into place.

nelsonian

Thanks Cyanna sorry I misunderstood. Seems like it could work, you will probably get some of the older relatives complain, but their friends will understand what they are trying to do.

mztery

re:
In other words, anyone who comes a long distance and expects the perfect Martha Stewart weekend is going to be disappointed no matter WHAT they do, so worry about pleasing THEMSELVES first and let the cards fall where they may. Much better to have THEIR perfect day that they will remember for the rest of their lives and everyone else is going to forget..
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I think that's a little simplistic in this case. If I were a close family member or friend not invited to the wedding so the dogs could be there, I might feel hurt and I think legitimately so. It's one thing to say "It's our day" but if that's the case, then why have a reception at all?
(I'm actually not judging their decision, I think it's fine, but I think it's naive to plan a wedding and reception like this and expect that the only people who get upset are uptight jerks.)