First, I have to say that none of the three choices are terrible compared to some you could get (like the little town where I just moved). I love San Diego and would live there over Norfolk-great weather, lots of outdoor activities, lots of things to do. I can't comment on Bangor, though I've heard it's nice. Having lived in NYC, San Diego might not be as much sticker shock for you- the cost of living is definitely much higher than Norfolk and your husband may have to live further from work. However, if you end up in Norfolk, do not despair. I just moved from there after living there for five years. For the first two years, I hated it, but then I really grew to like it. We lived downtown, and they are doing lots to revitalize the area. There's a new mall, lots of new restaurants, and a nice arts festival in the spring. On the weekends we could usually get by not driving, just biking or walking wherever. They are building a bike path to downtown. The cost of living is not high. The weather is milder than NYC, but no weather compares to San Diego. If proximity to NYC is a consideration, we used to take the train from Norfolk/Newport News to NYC. Good luck- if you end up in Norfolk, feel free to ask me more questions.

you mentioned that you lived in new york. one thing i'd mention is that san diego is a city that shuts down pretty early at night. i.e. restaurants close at 10:00. a friend who moved from new yorks went nuts cuase there was not much to do at night (other then the gaslamp which gets old). but if you like a lot of action in the evening, late dinners, theatre, etc. l.a. is only a short drive away.