In preparation for christmas

Old Dec 19th, 2003, 03:34 PM
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In preparation for christmas

Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 - Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer Committee for consideration.

December 7 - Debug Windows 2000

December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 - Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.


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Old Dec 19th, 2003, 03:34 PM
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December 17 - Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of Jesus.

December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
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Old Dec 19th, 2003, 03:44 PM
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Thanks for the laugh!!!
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Old Dec 19th, 2003, 04:50 PM
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Too funny!

You might have to replace one of those days with "Make decorative pillows for jail cell in case of conviction".
 
Old Dec 22nd, 2003, 03:03 PM
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Michelle NYC, we like the same kind of jokes!
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Old Dec 22nd, 2003, 03:29 PM
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Hey!!!! I posted this first!!! Just kidding, of course. I actually was surprised, given the "hurmor" on this site, that I hadn't seen it posted yet. I know there is some sort of variation of this list out there which is supposed to be even funnier. Maybe someone can find it...
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