This is not a fabricated story and I am no troll. Let's just get that out in the open.

I have very, very dear friend whom I have know literally my whole life. She and I have been best friends growing up and were in each other's weddings and a real part of each others lives. I love her dearly and I know she loves me. We have shared many good times together and many bad times as well. I would trust her with all my worldly goods.

But I just absolutely despise traveling with her! She turns into some combination of Beavis and Butthead and the girls from Simply Fabulous. She comes up with all of these ideas about travel and most of them sound like great fun. A girl's weekend she calls them. We'll get two or three others who are interested and then the struggle begins. Sherry will decide on the dates of travel, mode of travel, and travel destination and invariably one or two drop out because they can't make their schedules fit. Does Sherry can or compromise? No, not at all. She also plans activities while we are at our destination - up at a certain time - breakfast - and then power shopping, which is fun too, but not at the same old Gap, Abercrombie, Crate and Barrels where you see everywhere. Museum, maybe? No, that will take too long and I want to go back and see those shoes again before I decide if I need to go back and try on the dress again to see if it goes with the shoes and if it does, then I'll go buy the shoes, go buy the dress, take them back and try on to make sure I won't have to return them. Now, is everyone ready for sushi? I say no, but you all go ahead. I'll look after myself. Noooooooooooooo. We must go as a group. Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

The cycle has once again reared its ugly head. I saw her at church and she mentioned several of us going to a favorite destination which is within driving distance. She has wanted to stay at this particular place for sometime but can't afford it unless she gets at least four to go along. I don't think I am quite over the last trip and I think I'm going to decline this trip.

So, opinions, please. Should I tell Sherry that I can't get off work, my husband doesn't want me to go, I have a previous commitment to have elective surgery during that time, etc. etc. etc. or should I just come clean and be honest and tell her that I just don't think we are compatible traveling companions. She wants to zig when I was to zag. I enjoy a nice glass of wine with my dinner and she is a teetotaler, sniffing at me in displeasure.

She is also the one who held my hand when my dad died and was with me when my mom died two years ago. She has brought soup to my house when I've been too sick to raise my head. She's a good friend and I love her, but I don't want to travel with her any more.

Give me an opinion here please.

With reluctance, I suggest lying. She has been, and obviously continues to be, too much a part of your life. I would have been easing out of that dependency, but then I'm a guy....

Must admit, the first thing I thought was "lie to her." And I'm a woman, so I don't think that's just a "guy" reaction!

Of course, lying would be an easy way out for now, but this same problem will no doubt arise again and again until you address it. So, it may be that you have to a pretty frank conversation with her. Not blunt, but frank in an upbeat sort of way (if that's possible). I wouldn't necessarily say that you're not good traveling companions, but maybe something like, "Sherry, I've decided it would be a fun thing to have a vacation in which we don't go to any places we've been before--so no franchise chains, no Gaps or Crate & Barrels. And there's the [insert name] museum I've been dying to see. Now I know you don't care for museums, so you should completely feel free to do your own thing while I'm at the museum."

I know you've been through a lot with your friend, and of course that matters a great deal. On the other hand though, that's no reason for her to be making all of the decisions on what you do during your vacations. It's time to put your foot down and say no, I won't go back to Nine West. Say, I'm going to this museum and you can join me if you want. Drink your wine and enjoy it thoroughly!

You could be honest and tell her that, while she is the dearest of friends, you and she are just not compatible travel companions. If she asks why, just tell her what you've told us.

Or you could tell her you discussed the problems you are having with her, with strangers on a message board, because you are too lame to figure this out for yourself, then maybe she won't want to travel with YOU anymore and your problem will be solved.
Hope this helped.

Just write to me.

Rae - why don't you say that since she always spends so much time planning everything and that you've always been grateful for that, this time she deserves a break and you're willing to have a go yourself.

I think Liz had the most constructive suggestion -- just be honest, but gentle. No need to over-generalize "We are not compatible travelling companions." Just explain that you don't enjoy the same travel activities (chain-store shopping) as she does, and that while you are very close, you are two different people, who happen to have different taste in taveling activities. Suggesting some separate times (she shops while you go to a museum) might work, if she can understand that you just don't want to join her in every activitiy.

She has a big blind spot here! Since she seems to have proposed the upcoming trip primarily so SHE can afford to go (i.e., sharing housing costs), she is being a bit selfish and you shouldn't feel bad about not participating.

I appreciate all of the constructive replies. I was not necessarily asking anonymous people to deal with my situation, I just believe that it is helpful to have some level of objectivity.

Thank you.

I can sympathize with your plight. I have a relative who disagrees with everything her church travel group does. Nothing suits her.
I found out via the backdoor that the others plan a schedule they know she will not like, then when she says she is not going, they pull the real agenda out and fine tune it. Sneaky, but effective because her pattern is well known.
(I don't know what would happen if she agreed to the original schedule. Probably cause all sorts of backing and filling.)

So playing off of that ploy, why not accept a trip but on the condition that you will go ONLY if x, y, and z are done as activities or visited as places.
If you set the terms of the agreement firmly, and don't waver, perhaps you can effect a little behavior modification.
In other words, she goes on your terms or you don't go at all. If that does not deliver the message, then the receiver is dead and there is no hope for future modification.

Surely you can go places on your own. Your friend does not attach shackles to you does she? I would go where I wanted, and she could follow or fall out.

I count my blessings because my travel companion is great. She is well organized and enjoys the experience.
My only gripe has been that I cannot get her involved in the planning enough.
Last year I handed her the guidebook on Munich and said "You plan it." She did, and planned very well. I got to follow along and enjoy the sights for a change.

Gee Rae!!!!! - Are we talking about the same Sherry? One of my best friends name is Sherry and we have the same problem. Shopping together was not our thing. We have done everything together. Weddings, Godmothers, funerals etc.

My Sherry has a problem with control in her family. She has none, so when she is with the girls she takes charge - do you know something? We let her, we bitch and mone,, but we also know what the situation is at home.

Our Sherry drinks, only when she is with the girls, so we get her a little tippsy and tell her what a control freak she can be.

I realize this is not the same in your situation. It does sound like there may be a control problem with her and I would coddle her and shut up and go or if it is as painful as you say, lie to her.

Now, if she is a control freak when it comes to everything than tell her the truth and put her in her place.

Maybe one of your friends who is not as close to her should do the dirty deed.

I wish you luck. I hope this is not the same Sherry, we do have a friend named Rae. Happy Prosperous New Year.

PS - If you have children, why don't you take one of them with you on your next trip (gee! no babysitter) than you can do your own thing.

My vote is to be honest with her. If you just make an excuse this time, what are you going to do next time? At some point, you will have to be honest, and it would be better done sooner than later. If she is a true friend, she will understand your feelings.

On the subject of travel companions, when I was married, we had a couple we used to go on vacations with. It was great, but we got some ground rules out of the way BEFORE we went. If anyone wanted to do something the others didn't want to do, everyone was welcome to do their own thing. For the most part, we did do things together, but . . . for instance, in Cayman she wanted to go to the botanical gardens which I had no interest in and I wanted to go to the spa and get a massage which she had no interest in -- so she dropped me off at the spa and she went to the gardens and picked me up at the spa on her way back. We both had a wonderful time and really enjoyed the trip. We made several trips together and I have met them at destinations since my divorce and we have never had a cross word or bad feelings on any trip so far.

I think anytime anyone travels with people who are not immediate family, there should be some agreements before the trip is begun.

No offense, but you need to get a spine. If what you are saying is true, you have had a not-so-great time on a lot of the vacations you have been fortunate enough to go on. I don't know about you, but for me vacation time and the money associated with them are too important to me to WILLINGLY and KNOWINGLY not make the most of them. If this makes sense to you, look out for yourself just a tiny bit more and look out for Sherry just a tiny bit less.

freewoman has it almost right. Where she limited it to anyone not family, I'd extend her caveat to ANYONE that you travel with:

Anytime anyone travels with SOMEONE ELSE, there should be some agreements before the trip is begun.

Rae, if she is such a dear friend, I wouldn't confront her, I'd just say that as we have different interests why don't we split the trip 50/50 according to our interests: one day we go where she wants to (shopping, live with it!) and the next day a museum of your choice (sure she'll survive!). Just be firm on going where YOU want to 50% of the time.

The next the talk of travel comes up, I would simply tell her how much fun she is and all the good things you like about her, and then tell her that your travel likes and dislikes are far too different than hers. Tell her you respect what she wants to do on vacation (shop, drink), but that your travel wants are different, and you'd prefer to travel with your husband and, perhaps her, once in a while. If she's that good a friend, she'll get over it. I have a friend since childhood with the same relationship (Godparents to each other's kids, stand up in each other's weddings, etc., but in no way could I travel with her!!!

Don't listen to the negative responses you get from people - there are a lot of world travelers here that have experienced many different situations. Good luck.

Why don't you make it a couples getaway, assuming that Sherry has a boyfriend or husband and then to piggyback on to Mel's idea tell her that since she does all the work for the "girls" weekend you'll take over for the four of you. I wouldn't tell her your dilimma because I bet her feelings would really be hurt and nothing is worth destroying your feelings for each other.

Rae, your question has been bothering me all day. I repsonded before. I am very courious as to what kind of relationship you and Sherry have. Does she have kids or a husband. These are all factors that you have to take into consideration. Have you ever had an argurment? There are some great responses here and unless you know more about the person - there is no black or white answer. I hope you make the right choice and don't ruin a life long friendship over a silly vacation. Friends and family in my estimation are precious. Forget about it now and have a Happy New Year.

PS The reason why this is bothering me is because I lost a very dear wondeful friend over a bad vaction decision on my part (and my husbands). It is killing me and eating me up because once something is said, it can not be taken back. (this is not our friend Sherry)

Rae, I truly feel for you on this one. I am facing a similar problem. If you figure out how to tell Sherry, let me now.

Some months ago I went on a beach vacation with a friend (and co-worker) and I thought we had talked about what our plans were before the trip. She kept saying how "flexible" she was. Turns out they were different.

She wanted to go, go, go and I wanted to be lazy. The problem was I was the one who drove so I had to take her where she wanted to go. And if I didn't want to go, she would whine and gripe to make me feel bad. The main problem is that she wouldn't SHUT UP. She even admits she talks to much. But if you try to nicely get her to be quiet, she pouts. I came home feeling exhausted.

We've since gone away for just a weekend and I can handle her for that time span before wanting to kill her.

The problem now is she wants to go to Europe. There is NO WAY I am getting into that one. I don't doubt that the police would find her body floating in the Atlantic somewhere because I'd have tossed her off the plane. But how I am going to gently explain that to her is my ultimate worry.

I'd enlist others to join us, but they can't deal with her incessant chatter either.

i guess i would just say i can't go at this time every time she plans a trip, period. no explanations, no giving in. she should catch on eventually without you confronting her and hurting her feelings. if she is really your friend, she will accept your excuses.
this is one of the reasons i choose to travel solo.