Well, how often do the other grandparents visit? If both sets of grandparents live out of town and you are staying for a week every 3 months and the other grandparents visit for a weekend twice a year, you are definitely overdoing it! I'm a firm believer in the "equal time theory" When we first married we moved far away from both our parents and always planned equal time for each. We now live close to my parents and about 5 hours from my wife's parents. Because my parents see the grandkids about once a week (we usually spend Sunday afternoons together go to lunch and then back to parents house for several hours) we spend every holiday with my wife's parents. the first time my mother mentioned something about at least seeing them sometime on Christams Eve or christmas day, I quickly reminded her that she has "bonding time" with the grandkids every week and my wife's parents only saw them Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas and usually one visit during summer vacation. She realized how good she had it and has not opened her mouth since.

That you are seeking the opinions of strangers would indicate that you do not have the sort of relationship with your kids that renders you welcome to stay in their home that often for that long. Didn't you teach your kid to have manners? It would seem obvious to everyone that you are not receiving an invitation to come and stay "there in the house with them" for five days at a time. Bet they're on the phone to Dr. Laura for advice as to how to stop these visits without hurting your feelings. When I was the parent of my folks only grandchild, they came to visit pretty much whenever they liked. My husband and I both enjoyed their company enormously, and their babysitting services. And, my son adored his granny & grampy. BUT, they always called first to ask if the days would be convenient for us. Even if they weren't, we'd explain and tell them they were welcome anyway. They were fully able to entertain themselves if we had plans during their visit. So, it sounds to me like you're a huge imposition and probably not all that welcome if you can't discuss the matter with the kids. If you have no idea whether or not you're welcome in your own kid's home, I'm guessing you're NOT.

I must say there are some really low-down, nasty, surly people inhabiting this particular board. However, I will answer with a couple of comments anyway - of course, I discuss this with my children. They've always said they wanted frequent visiting because they want my grandson to have close family bonds. He only has one other grandparent whom he sees twice a year for a couple of weeks each time because he lives cross-country. I like to discuss subjects with strangers simply because they ARE strangers, not involved in my life in any way, and can be very objective. And of course, I always ask if a proposed visit is scheduled at a good time for them, or if they'd prefer us to visit another time instead. I'd never just say, "I'm coming whenever..........." or just show up! I think a lot of young Americans are so selfish when it comes to parents - you don't want them around until you NEED something from them - the we should drop all, and be at your beck and call, both emotionally and financially. Thank God, my children are not like you, thinking only of your own lives and nobody else's!

My Father-in-Law is a whining, scapegoating, lazy, boring pain in the caboose. The less I see of him the better. Lesson of the story for grandparents- if you are kind, interesting and loving without trying to domineer your ADULT child and his/her spouse, you will probably be more than welcomed to visit. If you have my Father-in-Law's characteristics, you will not be wanted. And one last thing. Mother-in-laws tend to be very critical of their Daughter-in-Law's household management. That drives Daughter-in-Laws up the wall and makes the visit unpleasant for her. Before you criticize your Daughter-in-Law, realize that you are hurting them by your mean tongue.

Kate: You said, "thinking only of your own lives and nobody
else's." That seems to be exactly what YOU are doing.

Think back to your own in-laws: would you have liked them showing up so often, staying so long, and explaining child-rearing to you?

G'mom Kate, you are right, there are a lot of seriously spoiled brats on this forum.

I, too, have an Asian (not "Oriental") in-law (sister-in-law) and it's quite clear that she shares with her parents a very strong sense of family. Even though they are 3500 miles apart, she takes her entire family to see them (they are too old to travel) twice a year at a minimum. She always invited our mother-in-law to stay for long periods of time as long as she was alive. But even more remarkable was that my amazing sister-in-law also took in first her husband's mother, then later her husband's sister (who each lived alone) when they were going through the hell of chemotherapy.

Obviously, this is extraordinary, but I mention it because it shows that she is "coming from" a different mindset from that of most American daughters-in-law, and perhaps your own daughter-in-law has a similar outlook.

You still, however, should probably broach the subject with yours, or at least with your son, and ask something like "would you be offended if we weren't able to come visit quite so often?" -- because their answer will give you a clue to how they feel about how often you visit. And there's also the question of how often they can visit you -- with children and jobs, they are less "portable," but at some point they have to take some of the initiative as adults -- it's only right, and it "balances" the visiting issue.

Otherwise, don't let the crabby, soulless carps here bother you. Some people may have poor relationships with parents or in-laws, but only the short-sighted, self-centered ones go to the trouble of lashing out at all mothers-in-law. If they have any brains, they know that not all mothers-in-law (or mothers) are evil; and if they have any grace, they won't make assumptions about you.

Where is it written that parents are put on earth to please children and cater to their needs for the rest of their lives?

Where on earth is it written that there's something wrong with calling someone "Oriental", anymore than if you'd call someone an American. I'm sure that G. Kate meant no disrespect; I am from the ORIENT, and if you want to call me "Oriental", that's cool. Talk about looking for something to pick on somebody for!

I, for one, do not like "Oriental." I'm a Korean-American of Asian descent.

I am more than happy to be politically correct and in fact try to be, but this is the first time I have ever heard "Oriental" is not corret and "Asian" should be used. I always thought the two were interhangeable. Can someone explain why calling someone from the Orient, Oriental would be derrogatory. Or why its any different than calling someone from Asia, Asian. If you really wan to be technical, the old Soviet Union and now various countries including Russia are in Asia. would you call these people "Asian", I doubt it. When I say I'm going to get "Asian" food for dinner, technically this could mean, I'm ordering out Russian. On the other hand when someone is referred to as "Oriental", it is clear what area of Asia they are from (maybe the exact country is not clear, but area is) similarly when I'm getting Oriental food, this is much more speific. I can understand if a derrogatory term is used, but no one here has said "Oriental" is derrogative or why they don't like it.

The explanation I heard years ago regarding the use of Oriental vs. Asian is that Asian refers to a person or people and Oriental refers to an object or objects. So oriental ceramics, furniture, etc. is correct, while people are always referred to as Asian.

Yup, Asian is correct. Using "Oriental" to describe a person will brand you as a hick.

To be safe, use the following:

Black American = African American
Oriental = Asian or Asian American
Indian = Native American

Of course, if you have more specific information (e.g. Korean), you can go with that. Oh, and the fact that one member of a group does not object to a particular term does not mean "anything goes." Just use the accepted terms and you'll never have a problem.

Do you know how little I care what people want to be identified as? If you're so politically correct that you sit around and worry about whether someone will call you Asian or Oriental, or whether someone thinks you're African-American or Black, I believe you'd best go get a life! Get over it - there are people with cancer; now if you were one of them, you'd have a problem!

My parents live 300 miles away and my in-laws live 700 miles away. I have my parents' only grandchildren and my in-laws' youngest grandchildren. Unfortunately this distance means that visits are typically of a several day duration. And yes, we all do get tired of each other. We're all glad to see them go home or go home ourselves.

The aside to all this is that we, as the busy working parents, don't have the time to pick up and head out of town as often as my parents can come to visit. Actually their visits are less disruptive of our routines than our visits to them.

The other problem is that, in 13 years of marriage, my in-laws have only visited twice. We've invited them repeatedly, but they're "too old" to travel and it's "easier for (us) because we're younger." With a 700 mile trip, their points are valid, but we also see them only once or twice a year.

Is once every 3 months too much? It depends on your relationship. I know you and your DIL have the disagreements about child rearing. Please make sure you let her know that you think she is doing a good job in spite of her methods being different! It'll take the sting away from the spat.

I sure wish I could see my grandparents one more time.

Ross.

I don't see anything wrong with Grandmother Kate wanting to ask a question to get the subjective opinions of a bunch of strangers - this is the kind of question that if she asks friends and relatives, she's likely to get the answer they think she wants to hear.

And the question isn't really related to travel, but the responses are (mostly) quite interesting; there's a huge variety of answers. My husband & I have 2 young children; my folks live 1000 miles away; his live 2 miles away. We want our kids to have as much time with their grandparents as possible; they obviously get a lot more time with one set than the other. It sounds like you are handling the frequent visits very well, in terms of what I would hope for: you're holding up your side of visit, in terms of treating for meals or preparing them, taking care of the house, etc., and giving the parents some "alone time." Two things you might do: when you make plans for your visit, call and say something very open-ended, like "We'd like to come visit the weekend of XX, is that a good weekend for you?" That way, they have a gracious out if that weekend is not good, because of other plans, or whatever. The other is, my opinion is that grandparents have a right to provide treats and to treat their grandchildren in a more indulgent way than the parents of the grandchildren do, on the theory that it won't wreck the kids. However, if you are with the grandchild often enough, and provide a set of rules that is different from the parents often enough, it might start behaviors that the parents don't welcome. I interpret your reference to "mini-brawls" in a positive light, and hope it was a semi-civilized (at least) discussion of how to raise children, with you recognizing that the parents have the final say, but that grandparents get "credit" for being the grandparents. Lastly, as your grandchild gets older, you might suggest a night at a hotel WITH the grandchild. Both my children treasure their occasional overnight stays with grandma and grandpa, and a stay at a hotel could be your equivalent to that. (Also, since we have 2 kids, it gives us parents valuable special time with the kid not at the grandparents'.)

While I treasure visits with both my parents and my in-laws, I hate univited guests regardless of who they are. I would be irate if ANYONE called and as the previous poster said "We like to ome visit the weekend of XX." That is inviting yourself for a visit and very rude. On the other hand if I called and invited the parents down for XX weekend and they said yes they would like to come, I would bbe counting the minutes until my guests arrived for a fabulous visit. I agree with someone who posted earlier and said parents should visit as often as they are invited. Its not the number of visits. If I invite inlaws 20 times a year they are not imposing as they are INVITED. However the same applies if I only invite them 3 times a year.

Angie, asking if it would be convenient to come XX weekend is not rude, it's thoughtful. It allows someone to say, "well, that's not going to work, but how about YY weekend, or maybe in the spring after school's out" or whatever. And it allows BOTH the guest and the host to plan according to their own convenience.

Waiting for a specific invitation from some people can mean you'd never see them, esp. relatives. My DIL is always saying "you know you're always welcome," but she never, never extends a specific invitation. After waiting for one for quite a while, I finally learned to say, "we're thinking of coming the second week of...." and her response is always, thankgod, "oh, terrific, we look forward to it," unless it won't work for her and she always tells me if it won't. I've invited them here as well, but it's hard with 3 small children -- so if I had kept waiting for that invitation, I'd never see them.

Both people are obligated to exercise cordiality and thoughtfulness, where sons, daughters, in-laws, and grandchildren are concerned. If you're going to get "irate" about these things, putting your rigid expectations ahead of people's desire and need to see each other, you're going to end up with very few visitors -- but maybe that's the idea. With your attitude, if you have kids, expect them not to want you around once they're out of the hosue.

"Abby" I'm not sure why you seem to think angie doesn't want guests just because she feels guests should be extended an invitation before they visit???? I actually agree with Angie but for different reasons. I personally do not want my inlaws to visit because I believe they are a harmful influence on my child. Both inlaws are heavy smokers. While they do not smoke in my house only outside, they see nothing wrong with a cigarette in one hand and baby in the other. If I say something they will say "Oh, I forgot" and put out the cigarette or say they see nothing wrong with it but. . . .if I insist . .. furthermore my FIL is a heavy drinker and we do not allow alcohol in our house, we drink but not in the presence of the children. As you an imagine there are several sources of friction here. The grandparents do not have a "right" to see the children but should see them by invitation. Yes in a very few states, there is such a thing as "grandparents' rights" and gps can atually petition the court for a visitation schedule but this is rare and NOT in the state I live in! I do try to extend invitations every now and then but for short periods of time and on the terms and rules we have in our house.

Americans whose ancestors are moroccan, tunisian, egyptian,... are also African Americans but they're not black. PC is sometimes not very accurate.