After much heartbreak and anguish, I called off my upcoming wedding (December) to a wonderful man. I will not go into the details but the bottom line is I had too many doubts. I returned the engagement ring and am in the process of returning the (unused) engagement and wedding presents. My ex-fiance left town to stay with his family; we live(d) together, so I am still in our apartment, handling all the cancellations, guest notifications, and so on. That seems only fair since I called off the wedding.
The issue here is that our honeymoon plans were made months ago, and are non-refundable. We had planned a month-long trip (late Dec - early Jan) to Australia, New Zealand, and Fiji, and we booked most flights and side trips (camping, diving) separately (on the internet, via phone, etc). I did most of the planning for this honeymoon, and we split the airfare and side trip fees 50/50. I would still like to go on this honeymoon trip -- I've already taken the time off and it would be very good to get away for awhile. My fiance has not mentioned the honeymoon, and I don't know when he's coming back to town. I'm about to sign the lease on a new apartment so we won't have to deal with being under the same roof when he gets back. It's already very difficult to talk to him or reach him at his parents' house.
What should I do? I want to take this trip. We'll only get about 20% of our money back if we cancel. I'm wondering if he's planning to take the trip as well??? He won't tell me much at this point. Should I send him a letter with a check for 50% of the cost of the trip, and just go?

I have tried to be as mature as possible about this whole thing. We did not get engaged impulsively; we were together for almost two years. I did not have an affair, nor did he -- I simply had a change of heart. I returned the ring, cancelled all the vendors, am sending handwritten notes to the guests, and returning the gifts. I'm also trying to find a new place to live and get over the pain of ending this relationship. I could use this time away from prying eyes but I honestly don't know how to handle it. Please give some (sincere) advice. Thanks.

You really need to ask him. He could be thinking the same thing.

Just ask him what he wants to do about the trip. If he says he has not made plans or is not interested, you should pay him back for his share and go. There is no reason why he should not be reimbursed for a trip he is not taking.
I agree, that the best thing to do at this time is leave town. Wait until the fuss dies down.
Good luck.Kate

Take the trip. You have already paid for the tickets, cancellation would be a big waste of money, the destination is a place that you wanted to go... so go for it.

Perhaps the time away might be good for you, change of scenery, the rush of travel, etc. Don't worry about what people say, take care of yourself and consider the trip "therapy" for you.

Send your sig other the check for 50%, and if he was planning on taking the trip as well then tell him you'll split the cost of an extra hotel room at your destinations with him and be a good sport about it.

Good luck to you Karen. Hope your situation gets better, and if you take my advice I hope you are looking forward to a wonderful travel experience.

It will be difficult but in my opinion it's imperative that you talk to him directly to confirm his plans/desires regarding the trip. I recently broke off a relationship with a woman that I'd dated for nearly a year. We did not live togethre and marriage was not in our plans but we did have a Cozumel trip planned for a few months later. I offered to pay her for the prepaid hotel costs and go by myself (the only portion of the trip that had already been paid for - we were each using our own flier miles for the airfare). She was very upset but after mulling it over for a week or so decided to go ahead and make the trip on her own, as she had already gotten approval for the vacation time. I'll go separately in January. Your situation is obviously more complex and thornier but you owe it to yourself and to him to discuss it. Perhaps he wants go by himself or even go with someone else. It would seem that he deserves to have that choice, especially since he was the "dumpee" and not the "dumper". It's not just the money issue - there is the issue of consideration for his feelings, which are undoubtedly already hurt regardless of how valid your decision was.

Good luck and best wishes on whatever comes next. I spent an entire year in a relationship that seemed fine but seemed to be missing something (couldn't quite put my finger on what wasn't right). A month later I was introduced to a friend of a friend almost by chance. We have hit it off in a way that's nothing short of remarkable. I'm now in the midst of a blossoming relationship that's quite unlike anything I've experienced since I was in my early twenties (in a good way). Considering the fact that I'll soon turn 47, that is nothing short of remarkable - it can happen to any of us when we least expect it!

Karen, listen to everyone here (especially Owen - his post really seemed from the heart). I would certainly be brave and call him, he deserves a chance to discuss this with you, it isn't really fair that you would get to be the one to decide what to do about the trip, especially since you planned it together. Also, you can't expect him to know what you would like to do if you don't tell him (and who knows, maybe he's thinking that he would like to go alone or with a friend?). Anyway, although this is a tough time (for both of you) you were smart to call it off it there were any doubts; to have gone ahead with the wedding would have been a great disservice to both of you. Best of luck to you both.

You're concerned about "honeymoon etiquette"?? Whew! Re-adjust your lens. Talk to the guy & figure this out! You don't need us! I don't know what you need but you will not find the answer here.

WOW!! If this is not a troll she makes me feel good. I thought I had problems.
Contact Dear Abby!!!!!!

Troll or not, she would have really had problems if she had married him! Better that they are sad now than for the rest of their lives!

Karen,

You've gotten excellent advice here so far. Make it right with Mr. Wrong and then jump on over to the Fodor's Australia board and ask Liz and the other friendly Aussies to give you travel advice for a single woman, first time in their country. Good Luck!

Speaking for the guy, I would personally not be surprised if he would be extremely upset with you taking the trip anyway, whether you refunded his half of the money or not. If you want to get away, you may wish to consider changing the location. Otherwise, he may be very, very upset. Even more so than you've already made him.

i agree with above post. it will really show thru as being rude and selfish if you go ahead with the trip without him... it really emphasizes the point that you don't care about him and his feelings, and all this time it was really just about u and not u two as a couple. he may even accuse you of planning the trip knowing you were going to call off the whole thing before the marriage...
just my opinion...

Troll school is certainly turning out a better-trained group of graduates than it used to. But didn't they teach you that Australia, NZ, and Fiji are not in the United States?

Although I can see your point about wanting to take the trip (not loose your money and waste your vacation time). However, If you call him up solely to discuss your plans about taking the trip, It is hard to say how someone on the other end would take that. If anything I would contact him and ask HIM what he wants to do about the trip, get an idea of his feelings before you tell him what you are going to do with it. Regardless it sounds like you need a neutral person to talk to about this whole thing. Good luck and hope it works out.

You have probably done enough (and thought enough) about others' feelings over the last days and you have obviously been very conscientious about making sure that others know about where you are at emotionally, explaining how and why countless times that this happened, and catering to the dissapointments of others. I am very sorry and sympathetic for your position, but it appears to me that you have been very honest and true to yourself and to your ex mate even if your words were not what he wanted to hear.

Given this, and the fact that the cost of what seems to be somewhat of a dream vacation for you is a sunk cost, perhaps it is now time for you to do a little catering to yourself. As long as you have gotten the work portion of your tragedy finished, I think you should get out of town and take your vacation without any guilt.

I think you should contact your ex, be honest and sincere, tell him you will refund his half but also tell him that regardless of the misfortune of your relationship you have planned this trip and really need to get out of town.

Take care of yourself and make the most of your time away to recharge your batteries.

Karen,

Although you might have been the initiator of this, I'm sure that at the heart of the matter you are feeling just as dissapointed about having to say those words to him as he was to hear them. Tell him you have done your best, taken care of business, and since the trip is practically bought and paid for (and since you seem like you really want to take it) then TAKE IT! Of course he should get his share of the cost back, but you should be somewhat firm with him that despite his dissapointment you need to get away. You've taken care of your interpersonal responsibilities, now take care of yourself. Much love honey, be true and with time things will get right. Wen

I think most all of the replies here have been honest and straighforward. There isn'tmuch to add, but I will. I would just say, I wouldn't let anyone make me feel guilty for taking the trip without him. I think you deserve it, and what you did took great courage. It takes courage to have the forsesight you had, to make a better future for the 2 of you without one another versus making a mistake which could have ruined both of your lives. Of course speak with him and let him decide what avenue he would like to take pertaining to those honeymoon plans. You have done o.k. so far listening to your own heart, so just continue to do that I am sure you will be fine. Good luck.

What a remarkable thread, mostly reasonable responses for once. Perhaps this is a response to karen's original post, which I think shows remarkable honesty and maturity in dealing with a very difficult and potentially awkward situation.

I agree with the posters who said that since your fiance was the "dumpee" that he should make the call regarding the use of the honeymoon reservations. I expect that his state of mind is such that the last thing he wants to do is to go solo on what should have been his honeymoon trip.

So I'd recommend that you objectively bring up the honeymoon investment as just another one of the arrangements that needs to be settled, point out that you both would lose a lot of money if you just cancel, and then present your offer to buy out his half.

Regardless of whether or not this is a troll, I can't believe you are all sympathetic to this woman. If she was truly forthright with her feelings all along, it wouldn't have come down to cancelling the wedding a couple weeks in advance. She was obviously deceitful and unresponsible, just think of all the deposits which would be forfeited. I hope this guy has a lawyer representing him.

I guess you have never heard a womans choice is to chance her mind have you? I have to disagree, many people for many reasons need to change there mind. It is not anyone's business as to why it happened. Only she knows the real reasons. It isn't right to pass judgement on her for her reasons. That is not her issue on this forum. She didn't ask for sympathy only how to handle an awkward situation. For all you know she may have found out something she couldn't live with or a million different things. Who knows and that is not anyones business but hers. Do not judge others.